Pd Workbook Download 2020r

Positive Discipline Workbook Jane Nelsen
The Positive Discipline
Workbook
Copyright © Jane Nelsen 2011

Revised October 2017
Illustrations: Diane Durand and Paula Gray
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be
reproduced or distributed without the express written
permission of the publisher.
Many of the activities are taken from the

Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way Manual
by Lynn Lott and Jane Nelsen.
Published by Positive Discipline

www.positivediscipline.com
i
The Positive Discipline
Workbook
Introduction
More than 20 years ago I began writing a Positive Discipline Workbook. I
did not want a boring, “fill-in-the blank” kind of workbook, so the project
remained unfinished until I decided to use the illustrations of Diane
Durand and Paula Gray. I hope these illustrations make this workbook as
much fun for you to use as it was for me to create.
Society has changed in the past 20 years—some use the term “speeded up.”
Parents feel frustrated that they don’t have time to read much any more.
Each lesson in this Positive Discipline Workbook book is short, with
illustrations to capture your interest and tell the story better than words
alone. Even though Positive Discipline parenting tools are included in each
lesson, it is my hope that this workbook will inspire you to find the time to
read the assignments in the Positive Discipline book for more in-depth
information and many more parenting tools.
You may be taking a class with a Certified Positive Discipline Parent

Educator so you can experience the activities and discussions with others.
If you have not been able to find a Positive Discipline parenting class at
www.positivediscipline.com/events, you can still learn so much by going
through this workbook on your own or with friends.
Short activities and role-plays help you “get into your child’s world.” Role-
playing is not about academy award performances, and you may feel silly
at first. However, role-playing will increase your understanding of why some
discipline methods are effective, and why some are not. Feel silly and do
it anyway, and you will see how much fun it can be—and how much
more you will learn.
Can I guarantee that you will become a perfect parent? Absolutely NOT!
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I can guarantee that you will
enjoy parenting more when you practice effective parenting tools and when
you remember that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn and grow.
What a great model for your kids.
ii
POSITIVE
DISCIPLINE
Workbook
Lesson One
What Do You Want for Your Children?
Curiosity Questions
Hugs
Dr. Jane Nelsen

Illustrated by: Alicia Diane Durand and Paula Gray
What Do You Want for Your Children?
Imagine your child is now twenty-five

years old and has knocked on your
door for a surprise visit.
What kind of person do you hope
to see in front of you?
What characteristics and life skills do
you hope he or she has?
Many parents don’t realize that the discipline methods they use
do not help them achieve what they really want for their children.
The first step in learning to be the best (but not perfect) parent
you can be is to create a roadmap to guide you to your
destination. The activity on the next two pages will help you be
clear about what you want for your children.
All future lessons will help you arrive at your destination.
Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 2

Two Lists Activity
Under the “Now” heading, list the behavior challenges you

experience now. Under the “Future” heading, list the
characteristics and life skills you hope your child will develop.
Now Future
Challenges Characteristics and Life Skills

Two Lists, Continued
Following is a list of behavior challenges (Now) and life skills and

characteristics (Future) brainstormed by parents in many classes.
They are always very similar. How many of these challenges and
goals were on your list? Are there some you would like to add to
your list?
Now Future
Challenges Characteristics and Life Skills
• Won’t listen • Belief in personal capability

• Back talk • Self-discipline
• Lack of motivation • Responsibility (accountability)
• Foul language • Self-confidence and courage
• Interrupting (risk takers)
• Homework problems • Desire to cooperate and
• Morning hassles contribute
• Bedtime hassles • Communication skills
• Lying • Problem-solving skills
• Stealing • Self motivation to learn
• Cheating • Work ethic (employed)
• Fighting • Honesty
• Biting • Sense of humor
• Whining • Happy
• Temper tantrums • Healthy self-esteem
• Texting (constantly) • Flexible
• Media addiction • Resilient
• Won’t do chores • Curious
• Defiance • Respect for self
• Strong willed & others
• Materialistic • Compassion
• Entitled • Social consciousness

What You and Your Child Will Learn
This class will help you

understand that behavior
challenges create wonderful
opportunities to teach your
children the valuable social and
life skills you want for them.
You will learn:

• Why punishments and rewards
don’t work (based on brain
research and your personal
experience).
• How to get into your child’s
world to understand what
works and what doesn’t work—
long term.
• Many parenting tools that are
empowering and encouraging
to you and to your children.
• How to be encouraging to your
children AND to YOURSELF
when you make mistakes.
For your first example of • MUCH MORE!
using a challenge as an
opportunity for learning,
Copy and hang your list of
turn the page for a
Characteristics and Life Skills
discussion of the
(from page 3) where you will see it
challenge of “not daily to keep your destination in
listening.” mind.

My Child Doesn’t Listen
When parents say their children don’t listen, what they mean is,
“My child doesn’t obey.” Wouldn’t you rather have cooperation
and motivation from within than obedience from fear, or from
a child who is learning to be an approval junkie?
When
children don’t listen If you complain that
it could be that you are your child doesn’t listen,
lecturing or making demands could it be that you aren’t
that create classic power modeling what listening is all
struggles. You say, “Do.” Your about?
child says, “Won’t,” in
words or by actions.
Children will listen to you

AFTER they feel listened to.
When your child tells you something, do you

listen, or do you explain, get defensive, or
lecture?
Do you try to talk your child out of his or her
feelings?
Do you try to “fix” your child’s feelings or solve
the problem?
Try listening.
Try validating your child’s feelings.
Try asking Conversational Curiosity Questions
(on the next page), and the Motivational
Curiosity Questions (in the Asking vs. Telling
Activity on page 8).

Stop Telling
Parents “tell” their children
• What happened
• What caused it to happen
• How they should feel about it
• What they should do about it
The root of education is educaré,

which means to draw forth.
Your lectures go in one ear and out the

other. Stop trying to “stuff in” and then
wondering why your children “tune out.”
Ask Conversational Curiosity
Instead of “telling,” try “asking”:
• What were you trying to accomplish?

• How do you feel about what happened?
• What did you learn from it?
• What ideas do you have to solve the problem or
prevent it from happening again?
Do not use the above as a script. Be sure your

questions come from your heart and fit the situation,
and that you are truly curious about what your child
thinks and feels.

Asking vs. Telling Activity
1. Find two people who will role-play with you. Family members
(including children) can have fun learning with you.
2. Prepare scripts for role-players. (See next page.)
3. You be the child. Have the others play the parents. Walk back
and forth between the Telling Parent and the Asking Parent.
Listen to their statements without responding. Just notice what
you are thinking, feeling, and deciding (while role-playing the
child).
When you finish the role-play, share what you

were thinking, feeling, and deciding (as the child) while
hearing the “telling” statements and the motivational
“asking” statements. Record what you learned.
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

Asking vs. Telling Activity, Continued
Telling Asking
1. Go brush your teeth. 1. What do you need to do so your

teeth will feel squeaky clean?
2. Don’t forget your coat.
2. What are you taking so you
3. Do your homework. won’t be cold outside?
4. Stop fighting with your 3. What’s your plan for doing your
brother. homework?
5. Put your dishes in the 4. How can you and your brother
dishwater. solve this problem?
6. Hurry up and 5. What did we decide about what

get dressed or to do with our dishes when we
you’ll have finished eating?
miss the
bus. 6. What can you do
so you will catch
7. Stop the bus on time?
Whining.
7. How can we
8. Pick up your communicate more
toys. respectfully?
8. What is your
It takes a few more words responsibility when you
to ask curiosity questions are finished playing with
(on page 7) that invite your toys?
discussion, but doing so
invites children to think
and to feel more capable.

What Were You Learning
Check your “Characteristics and Life

Skills” list to see what you were learning
(role-playing the child) while listening to
the statements of the Telling Parent
and the Asking Parent.
Telling creates physiological tension

in the body, and sends a message to
the brain to resist.
Asking creates physiological
relaxation, and sends a message to
the brain to search for an answer.
Your child is learning to feel
capable while searching for an
answer and is more likely to feel
inspired to contribute.
Journaling about your experience will

deepen your learning and help you
prepare for the future.

Connection Through Hugs
Connection before Correction is an important theme of Positive

Discipline. Children learn when they feel safe and can access their
rational brains. They can’t learn when they feel threatened.
Dr. Bob Bradbury, a Seattle Adlerian, interviewed

a father who wanted help with his 4-year-old who
often engaged in temper tantrums. Dr. Bradbury
suggested that he ask his child for a hug. The
father asked, “Wouldn’t that reward the
behavior?” Dr. Bradbury assured the father that it
wouldn’t, so the father agreed.
The following week the father described what happened the next
time his son had a tantrum:
Father, “I need a hug.”
Son, trying to contain his sobs, “What?”
Father, “I need a hug.”
Son, incredulous through his sobs, “Now?”
Father, “Yes, now.”
Son, with reluctance, “Oh all right,” and stiffly gave his father a
hug. After a few seconds, he relaxed in his fathers arms.
Father, “Thanks, I needed that.”
Son, with little sobs, “So did I.”
A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.

Encouragement changes brain chemistry and behavior.
By giving his father a hug, the little boy felt his innate desire to
contribute; and in the process felt connected and capable.

Practice and Reading Assignments (if you are using

the Positive Discipline book)
• Read chapters 1 (The Positive Approach) and 2 (Some Basic
Concepts) in the Positive Discipline book to enhance your learning.
• Notice how often you “tell” instead of “ask.” Put a dollar in a jar for
every “telling” statement you make. At the end of a week, count the
money and take the family for ice cream.
• Think about how you could have engaged in asking instead of telling
so you’ll be better prepared next time.
• When you or your child is upset, try asking for a hug. If she says,
“No,” respect that and let her know you would like one when she is
ready. Then walk away.
• Journal about what you are learning to deepen your experience.
• Start a list of Positive Discipline Tools you are learning.
• Journal about the tools you tried. How did they work? How did they
help your child learn the characteristics and life skills you hope for
him or her?
• If they didn’t seem to work, journal about that and see if you can
discover why as you keep learning.
There are not any

parenting tools that work
every time for every child.
That’s why you need many
of them.



POSITIVE
DISCIPLINE
Workbook
Lesson Two
What Is Positive Discipline?
Kind AND Firm
Positive Time Out
Dr. Jane Nelsen

Illustrated by: Diane Durand and Paula Gray
Discipline: What Have You Tried?
When parents claim they have tried everything,

write down some of the methods you think they
say they have tried:
Now try “getting into your child’s world” and imagine

what he or she is learning from these methods. Make a
list:
Turn to the next page to see if your lists are similar to what others
say they have tried and what children learn.
Lesson Two www.positivediscipline.com Page 2

What Have Your Neighbors Tried?

Discipline Methods Used What Children Learn
• Spanking • It is okay to hit people

• Yelling • Tune out (don’t listen)
• Threatening • Don’t believe you mean what
• Punishment you say
• Time-out, naughty chair • Fight/flight
• Withdrawal of privileges • Resist or rebel
• Lectures • Think about how to get even
or how to avoid getting caught
• “I’ve told you a hundred
times” • Power struggles
• Withdrawal of love • Become an approval junkie
• Praise • Must get before giving
• Rewards • Entitlement
• Over-protecting • “I’m not capable”
• Rescuing • No boundaries
• Giving in • I don’t belong
• Giving up • Give up or seek love in
dangerous places
Why do parents use methods that are not effective long-term?
Do they
lack skills?
Do they
Are
expect their
they
Do they children to control
afraid that
forget about their behavior when
if they are not
the long- parents don’t
punitive they will
term effects control their
be permissive?
of what they own?
do?

Competent Giant Activity

1. From the list of strategies “your neighbors” use, choose the one
you use more often than you would like and share it with a friend.
2. Ask your friend if she will role-play with you to help you get into
your “child’s world” by standing on a chair while you kneel on the
floor looking up at your friend. For about 20 seconds,
ask your friend to use and
exaggerate the method you chose.
3. Ask your friend to change roles so you can both
experience being the child looking up while being
scolded, lectured at, sent to time-out,
rewarded, or whatever else you chose.
4. When the role-play is finished, process
the activity by taking turns sharing what
were you thinking, feeling, and deciding—
both as the child and as the adult. Keep in mind that children aren’t
consciously aware of what they are deciding. Share what you were
thinking (as the child) of doing in the future. That is the decision.
5. Go to the page 6 and read about the 3 Rs of Punishment. Did you
experience any of the 3 Rs as the child?
6. Be sure to apologize to your friend so he or she isn’t left with
negative feelings from being scolded.
Teach by modeling: Try apologizing to your

child if you have been disrespectful. Children are so
forgiving and you’ll both feel better.

Check your “Characteristics

and Life Skills” list again to see
if you were learning any of
them while role-playing the
child.
Tips
Eye to Eye: This could mean
getting on your knees to be
eye level with a young child, or
asking your teen to sit at your
level.
Position of Respect: Notice
how you change when you
take a position of respect.
Keep remembering that you are

not supposed to be perfect, just
working for improvement.
Apologize for your mistakes and
try again.

Long-term Results
Yes, external motivators (punishments and rewards) can be
effective if all you are interested in is stopping the behavior right
now, or temporary compliance. However, punishments and
rewards do not help children develop “internal motivation” to learn
the characteristics and life skills you want for them.
The 4 Rs of Punishment
Resentment: “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
Rebellion: “They can’t make me. I’ll do what I
want.”
Revenge: “I’ll get even and hurt back, even if it
hurts me.”
Retreat:
a. Sneakiness, “I won’t get caught next time.”
b. Reduced self-esteem, "I am a bad person who
can never be good enough.”
Belief behind the Behavior

Most parents don’t understand that children are always making
decisions in response to their experiences, and that these decisions
affect them for the rest of their lives—even though they are not
consciously aware of their decisions.

Other Positive Discipline No, No’s
✓ No punishment
✓ No permissiveness
✓ No rewards
✓ No praise
✓ No pampering (rescuing or fixing)
✓ No punitive time-out (grounding)
✓ No taking away privileges as punishment
Positive Discipline is never humiliating:

no Blame, Shame, or Pain.
Punishment invites compliance or rebellion—not change.
Permissiveness teaches children, “I’m the center of the

world, and love means getting others to take care of me
and give me everything I want,” and, “I’m not capable and
I can’t survive disappointment.”

What Else Is There?

At least 52 Positive Discipline Tools
Available at: www.positivediscipline.com
These are just a few examples from the deck of Positive

Discipline Tool Cards. It helps to know that there are many
alternatives to punishment and permissiveness.
They all meet the Exercise: When faced with a

challenge, randomly pick one
5 Criteria for card from your deck. It might be
Positive Discipline the perfect tool to use. Invite your
child to pick a card also. Decide
Punishment and together which tool might work
Permissiveness do not. the best.

Five Criteria for Positive Discipline
1. Is kind and firm at the same time. (Respectful and

encouraging)
2. Helps children feel a sense of belonging and significance.
(Connection)
3. Is effective long-term. (See the next two)
4. Teaches valuable social and life skills for good character.
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are and to use
their power constructively
All Positive Discipline tools accomplish all 5

criteria. However, meeting these guidelines
may require giving up some faulty beliefs.
1. Are you sometimes too kind and then
too firm?
2. Are you too kind because you believe

punishment equals being mean and
disrespectful?
3. Are you too firm because you believe your kids will
become spoiled brats if they aren’t punished?
4. Do you become frustrated when you switch between

punishment and permissiveness and find that neither
approach works to create the happy family you want?
Positive Discipline parenting tools help you avoid

these extremes.

The Importance of AND in Kind AND Firm

Some parents are KIND, but not FIRM. Others are FIRM, but not
KIND. Many parents vacillate between the two—being too kind until
they can’t stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and
then being too firm until they can’t stand themselves (feeling like
tyrants). A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind AND firm at
the same time. (See examples below.)
Kindness Firmness
without firmness without
may be kindness
permissiveness. may be
punitive.
• Validate feelings: “I know it is hard to stop playing, AND it is time

for .”
• Show understanding: “I can understand why you would rather
watch TV than do your homework, AND homework needs to be
done first.”
• Redirection: “You don’t want to brush your teeth, AND we’ll do it
together. Want to race?”
• Agreement in advance: “I know you don’t want to mow the lawn,
AND what was our agreement?” (Kindly and quietly wait for the
answer.)
• As soon as . . . .: “You don’t want to go to bed, AND it is bedtime.
Do you want one story or two stories as soon as your pajamas are
on?”
• A choice and then follow through by deciding what you will
do: “I know you want to keep playing video games, AND your time
is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet.”

The “And” in Kind and Firm Questionnaire
Think of a recent power struggle you

experienced with a child who resisted what you
wanted him or her to do or stop doing. Describe
what happened: who said what, and who did
what—then what?
When you look at what you have written, underline what you did or
said that could be interpreted as firm, but not kind. Then circle what
you did or said that could be interpreted as kind, but not firm.
Get into your child’s world and make a guess about what he or she
was thinking, feeling, and deciding to do.
Now rewrite the scene where you are kind and firm. In the first blank
KINDLY validate your child’s feelings and/or verbalize understanding
of what he or she wants. In the second blank, FIRMLY state what
needs to be done. (See previous page for other ideas.) In the third
blank (if you think it would help) add a choice, a redirection, or a
KIND and FIRM statement about what you will do.
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
AND ____________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
(Keep in mind that the last blank may not be needed.)

Why is it so Hard?
Have you heard parenting tools you agree with, but still find
yourself slipping into old habits?
When you
KNOW better,
why don’t you
ALWAYS DO better? Because
you have
buttons—and
guess who knows
what they are?
You will find it helpful to

understand the brain to
know why you sometimes
“react” and why punishment
doesn’t work.

Brain in the Palm of your Hand

from the book Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel
Demonstration:
• Hold up your hand with your palm open.
• The palm of your hand to your wrist represents your brain
stem. This is the fight/flight/freeze part of your brain.
• Move your thumb into the palm of your hand. Your thumb
represents the mid-brain (amygdala)—where old memories
that created feelings of inadequacy and mistaken decisions
about how to find belonging and significance are stored.
• Now fold your fingers over your thumb to make a fist. Your fist
represents the cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the only place
where rational thinking and emotional control takes place—
regulation of emotions, regulation of interpersonal
relationships, response flexibility, intuition, social
cognition, self-awareness, letting go of fears, morality,
and much more.
• When you get upset, you “flip your lid” (flip your fingers up
and expose the midbrain) and act from old, irrational
emotions, and flight or fight.
To watch Dr. Siegel do a demonstration

of using the hand as a model of the
brain, go to:
www.positivediscipline.com/videos

You can’t solve a problem at the

time of conflict with a flipped lid.
Why do parents try to “correct” a Where did we get the

child when both are in a flipped crazy idea that to
lid state? make children do
• Afraid of letting child “get away better, first we have to
with it.” make them feel
• Afraid they are not doing worse?
their job.
• Afraid their children will be
monsters forever.
Children DO
better when they Take time for
FEEL better. cooling off. A great
life skill for children to
learn.
Helping children feel better does not mean pampering, fixing, or

rescuing. It means helping children feel encouraged—
sometimes by simply allowing them to have their feelings so they
learn they can survive the ups and downs of life and feel capable
in the process.

The Brain and Child Development
It is heart breaking when children are

punished for behavior that is
developmentally typical and beyond
their control. It is developmentally
appropriate for young children to
explore and test boundaries. With this
understanding, parents will know why it
is important to use kind and firm parenting tools.
The prefrontal cortex is where you know

right from wrong (morality), regulate your
emotions (self-control), and have the
ability to respond instead of react
(rationality).
The prefrontal cortex doesn’t finish
developing for 25 YEARS, so children
don’t have a fully formed prefrontal cortex.
They do not have the neurology to self regulate like adults.
That is why it is our job to model self-regulation until their
brains are able to absorb it.
Comment: The idea is not to stop from ever flipping your lid.
Unless you are a saint, you will keep flipping. The challenge is to
be more aware of what is happening sooner.
As your awareness increases, you will be able to choose
self-soothing methods sooner, and can teach your kids to do
the same.

Why Toddlers Don’t Understand “No”
Some parents think a one or

two-year old can understand
Piaget Demonstration
the word, “No.” So they slap
hands and say, “No. No.”
This is confusing to a
child who doesn’t
understand “No” at the 1. Find two glasses that are the
same size, one glass that is
same level of maturity as
taller and thinner, and one
adults. glass that is shorter and fatter.
2. Fill the two glasses that are
the same size with water until
a four-year-old agrees they
are the same.
3. Then, right in front of the four-
year-old, pour the water from
one of these glasses into the
short, fat glass, and the other
one into the tall, thin glass.
This demonstration will 4. Then ask her if they are still
help you understand why the same. She will say, “No,”
even positive time-out is and will tell you which glass
not effective for children she thinks contains the most
under the age of four. water.
5. Repeat this demonstration
They cannot with a six-year-old. She will
understand higher level tell you they contain the same
cause and effect and amount of water after poured,
are likely to develop and can tell you why.
doubt and shame.

What is the most popular

discipline method used today?
Time-out
Grounding
Jail (in your room)
Naughty Chair
“You think about what you did!”
Exercise: Pretend you have just come home from work and
your spouse greets you at the door and says, “I can’t believe you
left such a mess in the bathroom this morning. I’m sick and tired
of cleaning up after you. Go to you room and think about what
you did, and don’t come out until I say you can.”
What would you be thinking?

How would you be feeling?
What would you decide to do?
Now imagine what your child is thinking, feeling, and

deciding when sent to time-out. Go to the “Future” list on
the next page and see if you can find anything on the list
that your child is learning. Unlikely.

Check your “Characteristics

and Life Skills” list again to
see what you might be
learning as a child sitting in
punitive time-out?
Would you be thinking,

“Thank you so much. This
time-out is so helpful. I’m so
grateful that I’m learning so
much. I can hardly wait until I
can bring all my problems to
you because you are so
encouraging?”
Unlikely.
Are you thinking about revenge?
Are you thinking about how to avoid

getting caught next time?
Or, are you thinking you are a

bad, unloveable child?

Create a Positive Time Out Area

WITH Your Children
Sit down with your child to create a positive time-out area WITH
him or her. Start by explaining, “Sometimes we get upset and need
time to calm down (like time-out in sports). Let’s create a positive
time-out area. This is not about punishment, but a place that will
help you calm down and feel better. If you had a corner you could
fix up with things that would help you feel better, what would you
put in that corner?” It might include pillows, stuffed animals, books,
music, etc. Make a list of everything your child thinks would help
him or her feel better.
Time-out has a punitive reputation. You can change that by

encouraging your child to give his or her special place a special
name. Naming it increases ownership.
Feel-good place
Cool-off spot
Space
Sparkles
An alternative is to read “Jared’s Cool-Out

Space” available at www.positivediscipline.com
as an inspiration for your children to create their
own positive time-out space. Point out that most
parents are not willing to paint a wall black, but
kids will come up with other creative ideas.

How to Use Positive Time Out

Instead of sending your child to time
out, ASK:
1. Would it HELP you to go to your
“Cool-off Place?”
2. Would you like me to go with you?
3. Model this life skill by going yourself.
Alternatives: Ask, “What else might help

you right now?”
1. Put this problem on the family meeting
agenda? (See lesson 4)
2. Choose a solution from the deck of
Positive Discipline Tool Cards (or shake
to see what comes up if you have the
iPhone app of the tool cards)?
3. Use the wheel of choice. (See
lesson 5)
4. Jump on the trampoline until you feel
better.
5. Rant and rave and feel your feelings
until they go away.
Points to remember:
1. Even positive time-out is rarely appropriate for children
under the age of three or four.
2. There are many other Positive Discipline tools that might
be more appropriate for all ages.

Homework and Reading Assignments

• Read chapters 3 (The Significance of Birth Order) and 4 (A New
Look at Misbehavior) in Positive Discipline.
• Journal about the following while reading to deepen your
experience:
The most profound thing I learned was:

How I used what I learned:
I have questions about:
• When you experience a conflict with your child, take time to

randomly choose a Positive Discipline tool card. Invite your child to
do the same and decide together if one of them will solve the
problem.
Remember to
have the courage to
be imperfect. Give up
the notion that you are
the only one who isn’t
a perfect parent.


POSITIVE
DISCIPLINE
Workbook
Lesson Three
Belief Behind the Behavior
Mistaken Goal Chart
Birth Order and Sibling Rivalry
Dr. Jane Nelsen

Illustrated by: Alicia Diane Durand & Paula Gray
Not So Perfect Parenting

Positive Discipline is NOT about being a Perfect Parent. So
please let go of that notion.
You are a normal parent when:
Sometimes you feel good Sometimes you don’t like

about being a parent. being a parent at all.
I have never met a perfect parent—and you haven’t either. I know

you want to be a good parent or you wouldn’t be taking this
Positive Discipline class. Working for improvement is healthy.
Perfectionism is not. I will remind you often to stop beating up
on yourself when you make a mistake—or even many mistakes.
Celebrate your mistakes. Think of the benefits. You will have
many opportunities to practice the courage to be imperfect,
forgive yourself, apologize, and then focus on solutions.
Model what you want for your children so they can learn to
forgive themselves (and others) when they make mistakes.
They too can learn to apologize and then focus on solutions.
In chapter two, Some Basic Concepts, in the Positive Discipline
book, seeing mistakes as wonderful opportunities to learn
and the Four Rs of Recovery from Mistakes are discussed
thoroughly. Since parents are so hard on themselves when they
make mistakes, we’ll come back to this theme over and over.
Lesson Three www.positivediscipline.com Page 2

The Belief Behind the Behavior
Review:
• The primary goal of all children is to
feel a sense of belonging and
significance. Too often they form a
mistaken belief about how to seek
belonging and significance—as
explained in the Mistaken Goal Chart
(Page 8).
• “Belief” is emphasized because it doesn’t
matter what you believe—only what your
child believes.
Most parents don’t realize that there is a

belief behind every behavior.
If there is an arsonist setting fires in

your town, when do the fires stop?
(When you catch the arsonist.)
Meanwhile you have to put out the fires
until you catch the arsonist. With
Positive Discipline tools, you can put out
the fire (motivate behavior change) and
inspire belief changes at the same time.

Dethroned Child
Suppose you have a four-year-old child whose mother goes to the

hospital and brings home a brand-new baby. What does the four-
year-old see going on between Mom and the baby? (Time and
attention.) What does your child interpret that to mean? (Mom
loves the baby more than me.) This becomes a belief. What does
the four-year-old do in an attempt to get the love back? (He may
act like a baby himself, cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his
pants.)
Wayne Freiden's and Marie Hartwell Walker created Family
Songs (available at: www.positivediscipline.com) that help adults
get into the world of children and understand the beliefs they
could be creating based on their birth order. Their songs include
seven different birth order positions. Following is one verse from
the song, Number One
Oh it's hard to be number one.

And lately it's just no fun at all.
Life was so nice when we were three,
Mommy and Daddy and Me.
And now there's another.
And I don't like it one bit.
Send it back to the hospital
And let's just forget about it.

Candles Demonstration to Teach about Love
Becky was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother and was
experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes
she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born
because Mom and Dad spent so much time with him. She didn't
know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.
One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky's mom sat down at
the kitchen table with her daughter and said, "Honey, I would like to
tell you a story about our family." She had four candles of
varying lengths. "These candles represent our
family." She picked up one long candle and
said, "This is the mommy candle. This one
is for me." She lit the candle as she said,
"This flame represents my love." She
picked up another long candle and said,
"This is the daddy candle." She used the
flame from the mommy candle to light
the daddy candle and said, "When I
married your daddy, I gave him all my love—and I still have all my
love left." Mom placed the daddy candle in a holder. She then
picked up a smaller candle and said, "This candle is for you." She lit
the smaller candle with the flame from her candle and said, "When
you were born, I gave you all my love. And look. Daddy still has all
my love, and I still have all my love left." Mom put that candle in a
candle holder next to the daddy candle. Then she picked up the
smallest candle and, while lighting it from the mommy candle, said,
"This is a candle for your baby brother. When he was born I gave
him all my love. And look—you still have all my love. Daddy has all
my love; and I still have all my love left because that is the way love
is. You can give it to everyone you love and still have all your love.
Now look at all the light we have in our family with all this love." To
see a video of this demonstration called “All My Love”, go to:
www.positivediscipline.com/videos

Birth Order
In Chapter 3 of Positive Discipline, you learn how birth order
can influence the decisions and beliefs children form.
Exercise:
• Make some guesses about decisions you made as a child
based on your birth order—your perceptions of what you
needed to do to find belonging and significance in your
family. Create a page in your journal and write them down.
• Create a page in your journal for each of your children and
make some guesses regarding the decisions they are
making about what they need to do to find belonging and
significance.
Tips:
When children fight, do not take
sides. This invites
competition. Put them in the
same boat (treat them the same).
Examples:
“Kids, do you want to stop fighting or
go to separate rooms until your are
ready to stop?”
“Kids, which one of you would like to
put this problem on our family meeting
agenda?”
“Kids, I’ll take the toy until you can find a solution.
Let me know when you have one.”
“Kids, would you like to find a solution on
your Wheels of Choice”?

It is not your job to make your children happy
If you believe it is your job to make your children

happy, it is likely that they will take you up on it
and insist that you do? (“I’m entitled.”) Instead,
teach your children to be kind, compassionate,
respectful problem-solvers.Watch Connie Podesta
at: www.positivediscipline.com/videos
The story of the little boy and the

butterfly may help you understand how
rescuing children from all suffering
creates weakness.
You create weakness
by: A little boy felt sorry for a butterfly
• Pleasing struggling to emerge from its chrysalis.
• Rescuing He decided to help so he could save
• Over-protecting the butterfly from the struggle. He
• Pampering (providing peeled the chrysalis open and was so
all “wants”) excited to watch the butterfly spread its
• Micromanaging in wings and fly off into the sky. Then he
the name of love
was horrified as he watched the
• Giving too many
choices butterfly drift to the ground and die
• Making sure children because it did not have the muscle
never suffer strength to keep flying.
It is important that parents do not make children suffer, but sometimes it

is helpful to “allow” them to suffer with support (empathy).
For example, suppose a child “suffers” because she can’t have the toy
she wants. Allowing her to suffer through this experience can help her
develop her resiliency muscles. She learns that she can survive the ups
and downs of life—leading to a sense of capability and competency. The
support part is that you validate her feelings and/or show understanding.
Then skip the lectures and have faith in your child to handle it.


Your Feelings Help You Break the Code
Breaking the Code of Misbehavior?

YOUR FEELINGS (Column 2) Are your First Clues.
When you feel annoyed, irritated,

worried, or guilty, your child’s mistaken
goal may be Undue Attention. “I belong
only when you pay attention to me, or
take care of me.”
When you feel challenged, threatened, or

defeated, your child’s mistaken goal may be
Misguided Power. “I’m the boss, or at least I
won’t let you boss me.”
When you feel hurt, disappointed, or

disgusted, (often covered up with anger)
your child’s mistaken goal may be
Revenge. “I feel hurt and will get even by
hurting anyone in my path.”
When you feel hopeless, helpless, or

inadequate, your child’s mistaken goal
may be Assumed Inadequacy. “I can’t do
anything right. I give up. Leave me alone.”

Undue Attention Exercise
1. Go to your list of challenges on page 3 from

Lesson No. 1. Choose a challenge that
hooked you to feel annoyed, irritated,
worried, or guilty.
2. What did you do?
3. What did your child do in response to what you did?
4. Get into your child’s world and guess what he or she was
learning based on what you did.
5. Look at the last column of your goal chart for Undue Attention
and choose a parenting tool you will try next time.
6. Record what happened when you used a Positive Discipline

parenting tool from the last column of the Mistaken Goal Chart?
7. What do you think your child learned this time?

Misguided Power Exercise

invited you to feel challenged, threatened, or
defeated.
2. What did you do?
5. Look at the last column of your goal chart for Misguided Power
and choose a parenting tool you will try next time.


Revenge Exercise

invited you to feel hurt, or disappointed,
embarrassed, disgusted.
2. What did you do?
5. Look at the last column of your goal chart for Revenge and
choose a parenting tool you will try next time.


Assumed Inadequacy (Giving Up) Exercise

invited you to feel hopeless, helpless, or
inadequate.
2. What did you do?
5. Look at the last column of your goal chart for Assumed

Inadequacy and choose a parenting tool you will try next time.


Mistaken Goal Chart Tips
As you become more Encouraging

familiar with the parenting tools will
Mistaken Goal Chart help your child change
it becomes easier to his or her beliefs about
get into the child’s mistaken ways to find
world, and to use Belonging and
encouraging tools. Significance.
The
In the beginning,
same
some parents say
they feel helpless and behavior
inadequate (Assumed can be for
Inadequacy) when different
what they really feel goals. For
is defeated that they example, some
can’t “win” (Misguided children may not
do homework or get
Power).
dressed in the morning
because it is a good way
to get undue
attention. It could be a good
way to display misguided
power. For some children it may
be a good way to get revenge. “I
believe you care more about my
grades than me. That hurts, so I’ll
hurt you back.” It could be that a child
won’t do homework because he or she
believes he or she can’t do it good enough and
has decided to just give up
(assumed inadequacy).

Parenting Paradigm Shift
Discouragement Tool Box

Nag Yell Threaten Lecture Punitive Time Out
Boss/Control React impulsively Get Defensive
Sarcasm/Putdowns Doubt Look for Blame
Punish Criticize Shame/Humiliation
Excessive Praise and Rewards Do to Children Rescue

Impose Consequences rather than find solutions Spank
Expect Perfection Punitive Time Out
“Punishment that makes children pay for the past.”
Encouragement Tool Box
Kind AND Firm Decide what you will do
Faith in Your Child Follow Through Wheel of Choice
Offer limited choices Take time for Training Less is more
Distract and Redirect Encouragement Explore Consequences
Focus on Solutions Positive Time Out Hugs

Do with Children Special Time Expect improvement
Get children involved in problem solving Routine Charts

4Rs of Recovery Curiosity Questions Active/reflective listening
“Discipline teaches children and helps them learn for the future.”

Practice and Reading Assignments

• Read Chapter 5 (Beware of Logical Consequences), and Chapter 6
(Focusing on Solutions) in Positive Discipline. Respond to the
following:

• Notice how you feel in response to challenges you experience with

your children. Check your Mistaken Goal Chart to guess the
Mistaken Goal.
• Check the last column of the Mistaken Goal Chart for ideas on how
to encourage your child (and yourself). Check your deck of Positive
Discipline Tool Cards for more ideas.
• Just for fun, think about what you might have done to motivate your
child’s misbehavior. Journal about what you are learning.
• During a time of conflict, try pausing to randomly choose a Positive
Discipline Tool Card (if you have the deck). Invite your child to
choose one too. Journal about what happens.
Remember that there is a

belief behind every behavior
and that children are always
trying to figure out how to fill
their need to belong.



POSITIVE
DISCIPLINE
Workbook
Lesson Four
Adults May Contribute to Mistaken Goal Behavior
Your Childhood Decisions
Natural and Logical Consequences
Focusing on Solutions through
Family Meetings
Routine Charts
Dr. Jane Nelsen

Adults May Contribute to

Mistaken Goal Behavior
Exercise:
• When Children “believe” they do NOT belong, and don’t feel capable,
they may choose a Mistaken Goal in their attempt to belong.
• Notice the column on “How Adults May Contribute” in the chart
on the following page. Do any of those beliefs fit for you?
• Do you “react” out of fear that how your children behave is a sign of
who they will be forever—and create a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Mistaken Goal How Adults May

Beliefs Contribute
Undue Attention: Undue Attention:
“I belong when you pay “I don’t have faith in you to
attention to me.” deal with disappointment,”
or, “I feel guilty if you
Misguided Power: aren’t happy.”
“I belong when I’m the Misguided Power:
boss, or at least when I “I’m in control and you
don’t let you boss me.” must do what I say.”
Revenge:
Revenge: “I worry more about what
“I don’t belong and that the neighbors think than
hurts so I’ll hurt back.” what you think.”
Assumed Inadequacy:
Assumed Inadequacy: “I expect you to live up to
“I give up. Leave me my high expectations,” or,
alone.” “I thought it was my job to
do things for you.”
How you may contribute is not about blame, it is about awareness.
Lesson Four www.positivediscipline.com Page 2


Your Childhood Decisions

We have been focusing on the belief behind your children’s
behavior. You too have been making decisions, since childhood,
that influence your behavior. The following exercise will help you
understand some of your early decisions.
Encouragement/Discouragement Exercise
Think of one thing your mother or father did that invited you to feel
encouraged (belonging and significance). Write it down:
When this happened, what did you think?
How did you feel? (One word)
What did you decide about yourself and what you would do?
How has this affected your life?
Think of one thing your mother or father did that invited you to feel
discouraged (lack of belonging and significance)?
When this happened, what did you think?
How did you feel? (One word)
What did you decide about yourself and what you would do?
How has this affected your life?

Natural Consequences
A natural consequence is what happens
naturally, with no adult interference. When
you stand in the rain, you get wet. When
you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you
forget your coat, you get cold.
No piggy backing: Adults

Show empathy and
piggy back when they scold,
understanding for what the
ʺI told you so,” or anything
child is experiencing: ʺI’ll bet
that adds more blame,
it was hard to go hungry (get
shame, or pain than the
wet, get that bad grade, lose
child might experience
your bicycle).ʺ When it
naturally from his or her
seems appropriate, you
choices.
could add, ʺI love you and
have faith in you to handle
this.”
Children usually feel bad or No rescuing or fixing: It
guilty when they make a can be difficult for parents to
mistake. They want to do be supportive without
better. Piggy backing rescuing or over‐protecting,
lessens the learning that can but it is one of the most
occur from experiencing a encouraging things you can
natural consequence do to help your children
because the child stops develop a sense of
learning and focuses on capability. They learn from
absorbing or defending their own experience that
against the blame, shame, they can handle the ups and
and pain. downs of life.

Logical Consequences
Logical Consequences are different from natural consequences

in that they require the intervention of an adult. It is important to
decide what kind of consequence would create a helpful learning
experience that might encourage a child to learn social and life
skills.
Examples: The Three R’s and an H

1. If you break a window, you of Logical Consequences
can earn money to pay for
it. 1. Related
2. If you bring a toy to school, 2. Respectful

the teacher will hold it until 3. Reasonable (to everyone
after school. concerned)
3. If you miss the bus, you 4. Helpful
may need to walk.
If any of the 3 R’s or the H
4. If your clothes are not in the is missing, it is not a
hamper they won’t get logical consequence.
washed.

Logical Consequences Often are Poorly

Disguised Punishments
Rudolf Dreikurs Quotes on Logical Consequences
When we use the term “logical consequences,” parents so

frequently misinterpret it as a new way to impose their demands
upon children. This children see for what it is—disguised
punishment. (Children the Challenge, p. 80)
If logical consequences are used as a threat or “imposed” in

anger, they cease being consequences and become punishment.
Children are quick to discern the difference. They respond to
logical consequences; they fight back when punished. (Ibid, p. 79)
Sometimes the problem can even be solved by discussing it with

the children and seeing what they have to offer. (Ibid, p. 85)

No More Logical Consequences—

At Least Hardly Ever
Focus on Solutions
What is the problem? What is the solution?
I have been a Positive Discipline Parent Educator for many years,

so I was surprised and delighted that power struggles diminished
significantly when I stopped using logical consequences and
started focusing on solutions with my children.
— Kate Ortolano, Certified Positive Discipline Trainer and co-author of Positive
Discipline: A Teacher’s A-Z Guide.
Mistakes are Wonderful Opportunities to Learn.

Involving children in finding solutions is an excellent
way to help them feel encouraged and empowered.

Logical Consequences or Solutions?
Exercise: Think of a “logical consequence” you have tried.

Write it down:
• Was this consequence: 1) related to the problem, 2) reasonable

—to you and to your child, 3) respectfully enforced, 4) helpful to
solve the problem? (The 3Rs and an H of Logical
Consequences)
• Did the consequence meet all the 5
Criteria for Positive Discipline (page 9 in
Lesson Two of your Workbook)?
• Look at the list of Characteristics and
Life Skills you want for your children
(pages 3 and 4 of Lesson One in your
Workbook). What was your child
learning from the consequence?
• If you wanted to focus on solutions
instead of consequences, what
Positive Discipline Tools might be
more effective than consequences?
Write them down:
An effective logical consequence will solve the problem.

An ineffective consequence will not because it will feel
more like punishment than a logical consequence.

Family Meetings
Holding regular family meetings is one of the most valuable tools
you can use to empower your children to learn problem-solving
skills. Taking 20 minutes a week for family meetings could
create peace in homes and in the world.
Family meetings teach:

• Listening skills.
• Brainstorming skills.
• Problem-solving skills.
• Mutual respect.
• The value of cooling off before solving a problem. (Problems put
on the family meeting agenda provide a cooling off period before
focusing on solutions.)
• Cooperation. (Avoid power struggles by focusing on
solutions.)
• Accountability in a safe environment. (People don’t worry about
admitting mistakes when they know they will be supported to find
solutions instead of experiencing blame, shame, or pain.)
• How to find solutions that are respectful to everyone concerned.
• A sense of belonging and capability.
• Social consciousness. (Concern for family, others, and the
environment.)
• That mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
• Family fun. (Creates traditions and memories.)

Dos and Don’ts for Successful

Family Meetings
DO
1. Remember the long-term purpose: To teach valuable life skills.
2. Post an agenda where family members can write their concerns or
challenges.
3. Start with compliments to set the tone by verbalizing positive things
about each other.
4. Brainstorm for solutions to problems. Choose one suggestion (by
consensus) that is practical and respectful and try it for a week.
5. Focus on solutions, not blame.
6. Calendar a family fun activity every week.
7. Keep family meetings short (10 to 30 minutes), depending on the
ages of your children. End with a family fun activity.
DON'T
1. Use family meetings as a platform for micromanaging, lectures or
any form of parental control.
2. Allow children to dominate and control. (Mutual respect is the key.)
3. Skip weekly family meetings. (They should be the most important
date on your calendar.)
4. Forget that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
5. Forget that learning skills takes time. Even solutions that don't work
provide an opportunity to learn and try again—always focusing on
respect and solutions.
6. Expect children under the age of three to four to participate. (If
younger children are distracting, wait until they are in bed.)

Routine Charts
Create routine charts WITH your

children. Start with a bedtime routine.
Ask your child to tell you every thing he
or she needs to do to get ready for bed.
If your child is too young to write, take
dictation.
Children love having

pictures of
When your child
themselves doing forgets, ask:
each task so they
“What is next on
can paste the picture
next to the task. Let your routine
your child hang the chart?”
routine chart where
he or she can see it.
No Rewards
Involving children in the Rewards take away from the
creation of their routine inner feeling of capability and
charts increases their change the focus to getting.
sense of belonging and When your child gets tired
significance, reduces power of the chart, help him or her
struggles by giving them make another one.
more power over their lives, Help your child create a
and increases their morning routine chart to avoid
willingness to follow what morning hassles.
they help create.

Original Routine Charts
Four-year-old Greyson got excited about

his bedtime routine chart because we
talked about it before creating it. I told
him, “Your chart will have a picture of
you doing everything you do before you
go to bed.” A week later, we sat down at
the table and Greyson told me his list of
bedtime tasks in the order he did them.
He enjoyed posing as we then took
pictures of him doing each task, which
we then printed on photo paper. We
stapled (something Greyson loves to do)
the photos to a long ribbon, and pasted
a large number to each photo. Talk
about magic. After three weeks, Greyson
is still enthusiastically following his
routine chart for hassle free bedtimes.
— Mary Nelsen Tamborski
My almost six-year-old daughter, Hayden,

made this bedtime routine chart for Thaler,
her four-year-old brother. Thaler helped in
the discussion, but isn't into art. It took her
three days of working on it, coloring it, and
talking it over. I tried to guide her to make it
only 5 steps. The best has been where we
placed it—in their shared bathroom. They
look at it and I hear them verbalize it when
they are in the bathroom. My spouse
leaves very early so this chart has made
getting three kids out the door so much
easier!
— Julie Garside


• Read Chapter 7 (Using Encouragement Effectively) and Chapter 9
(Family Meetings), in Positive Discipline. Respond to the following:

• Start having weekly family meetings with your children who are four
years old and older. Create a Family Meeting album. It will be as
much fun going through them in later years as it is to go through a
photo album.
• Create a bedtime (and/or morning) routine chart with your children.
Bring them next week to share.
• Journal about your successes and your questions.
Just as there is no
such thing as a perfect
parent (or child), there
is no such thing as a
perfect family meeting.
However, it is worth it
to work through the
challenges because of
the valuable social and
life skills learned during
family meetings.



POSITIVE
DISCIPLINE
Workbook
Lesson Five
Review (Not so Perfect Parent and Asking Vs. Telling)
Connection Before Correction (Thermometer)
Encouragement Vs. Praise
Wheel of Choice
Back Talk
Dr. Jane Nelsen

The Not So Perfect Parent

Tips that do not imply perfection
1. Model: Become the person you hope

your children will become.
If you want your children to use
manners, use yours.
2. Make mistakes: If you never
make mistakes, start making
them on purpose so your
children can hear you say,
“Whoops, I made a mistake.
Another opportunity to learn.”
3. Be accountable: Teach your children
that it is safe to be accountable
without fear of punishment. Be aware
of and acknowledge your part in
conflicts.
4. Self-control: Work on controlling
your own behavior if you hope your
children will learn to control theirs.
Take deep breaths. Count to ten. Go
to your positive time-out.
Lesson Five www.positivediscipline.com Page 2

Review of Asking Vs. Telling

1. Write about an example of “telling” your child to do
something. Include what you said and your child’s
response (what he/she did and/or said).
2. Think about how you could have used an “asking”

statement instead of a “telling” statement. Write it down.
3. Ask a friend to role-play with you. You can play

your child while your friend first role-plays your
example of “telling,” and then role plays your new
“asking” question.
4. Process the role-play by sharing what you were

thinking, feeling, and deciding in the role of the
child while listening to the “telling” statement and
the “asking” statement. What were you thinking,
feeling, and deciding in the role of the parent?
5. Record what you learned from this activity.

Check your “Characteristics and

Life Skills” list again to see what
you were learning (while role-
playing the child) from the
statements of the Asking Parent
and the Telling Parent.
Tips:
Tone of voice: Curiosity
questions are not effective if
your tone of voice is not
friendly.
Curiosity: It doesn’t work if
you expect your child to give
you the answer you have in
mind. You have to be interested
in what your child thinks.
Remember that there isn’t just one

tool that is effective for every child
in every situation. That is why you
need many skills in your Positive
Discipline parenting tool box.

Connection and Contribution

You have learned that belonging
(connection) and significance
(contribution) are the primary
goals of children.
Making sure the message of love
gets through is one of the best
ways to create connection and
inspire contribution.
Six Ways to Make Sure the Message of Love Gets Through

1. Take time to get eye level with your child.
2. Listen first, talk last.
3. Validate your child’s feelings without rescuing or fixing.
4. Be supportive when allowing children to experience the
consequences of their choices (but don’t impose consequences
on them).
5. Allow for a cooling off period and then focus on solutions.
6. Hugs.
There are many more than 6 tools. What are your favorites?
Positive Discipline tools don’t work until children

feel belonging and significance.
(Connection and Contribution)
Make sure the message of love gets through.
Create a connection before correction.

Creating Closeness and Trust (Connection)
Thermometer Exercise: To experience for yourself how making a

connection with your child is one of the most powerful,
encouraging, and motivating things you can do.
1. Ask for a friend to role-play an adult. You be the child.
2. Pretend there is a thermometer on the floor between you. When

your friend (the adult) uses words that are discouraging, you will
move back (to the cold end of the thermometer) and when the adult
uses words that feel encouraging, you will move closer to him or her
(to the warm end of the thermometer). See scripts in Nos. 4 and 6.
3. As you listen to the adult, you need not respond with words—just
move forward or backward on the thermometer indicating your
thoughts and feelings of encouragement or discouragement.
4. Adult in an accusing voice, with a short pause after each statement

to allow the child a chance to move on the thermometer: “Your
teacher called me today. What did you do? Don’t tell me you didn’t
do anything! Why would the teacher call if you didn’t do anything?
She said you were talking in class. You know you aren’t supposed
to talk. What are you going to do about this? You can just go to your
room and think about what you did.”

Thermometer Continued
5. With each statement you (as the child) will feel more discouraged
and will move toward the cold end of the thermometer.
6. Adult, switching to encouraging words and tone of voice, and

pausing after each statement: “Your teacher called me this
morning. I’ll bet you felt very embarrassed when she yelled at you
in front of everyone. I remember a time the teacher yelled at me in
front of everyone. I felt mortified and angry. I would really like to
hear your version of what happened. Since you can’t change your
teacher, I’ll bet you can think of a way to avoid this problem in the
future. Any ideas?”
7. What were you thinking, feeling, and deciding while hearing

these statements? As you felt more encouraged, were you moving
toward the warm end of the thermometer?
8. Now go back to the Characteristics and Life Skills list. Which

statements helped you learn some of the characteristics and skills
on “the list”?
9. Write them down.
10. Journal about what you learned from this activity.

Encouragement Vs. Praise

Pretend you are a child. Read all the Praise statements below.
Notice what you are thinking, feeling, and deciding about yourself.
Then read all the Encouragement statements. Again, notice what
you are thinking, feeling, and deciding about yourself.
Praise Encouragement
1. All A’s. You get a big 1. You worked hard; you
reward. deserve it.
2. I'm so proud of you. 2. You must be proud of
yourself.
3. I'm glad you listened to me.
3. How do you feel about it?
4. I like what you did!
4. You figured it out for
5. You did it just like I told you. yourself.
6. You really know how to 5. I trust your judgment.
please me. 6. You can decide what is
7. Great! That's what I best for you.
expected. 7. I have faith in you to learn
from mistakes.
8. You are such a good
boy/girl. 8. I love you no matter what.
Praise, like candy, can be enjoyable on occasion. Encouragement,

however, should be the staple that you give to yourself and your family
every day. Encouragement allows your children to see themselves as
being capable, contributing members of the family and society.
Children like praise, and parents think they are encouraging when they
give praise. The chart on the next page may change your mind.

Differences between
Encouragement and Praise
Praise Encouragement
Dictionary 1. To express favorable judgment of 1. To inspire with courage

Definition 2. To glorify, especially by 2. To spur on: stimulate
attribution of perfection
3. An expression of approval
Addresses The doer: “Good Girl.” The deed: “Thanks for helping.”
Recognizes Only complete, perfect product: Effort and improvement: “You gave
“You did it right.” it your best.” Or, “How do you feel
about what you accomplished?”
Attitude Patronizing, manipulative: “I like Respectful, appreciative: “Who can

the way Susie is sitting.” show me how we should be sitting
now?”
“I” message Judgmental: “I like the way you Self-directing: “I appreciate your
did that.” cooperation.”
Used most Children: “You’re such a good girl.” Adults: “Thanks for helping.”
often with
Examples “I’m proud of you for getting an A.” “That A reflects your hard
(Robs person of ownership of own work.” (Recognizes ownership and
achievement.) responsibility for effort.)
Invites Children to change for others. Children to change for themselves.

“Approval junkies.” “Inner direction.”
Locus of control External: “What do others think?” Internal: “What do I think?”
Teaches What to think. Dependence on the How to think. Self-evaluation.

evaluation of others.
Goal Conformity. “You did it right.” Understanding. “What do you

think/learn/feel?”
Effect on sense Feel worthwhile when others Feel worthwhile without the
of worth approve. approval of others.
Long-term effect Dependence on others for Self-confidence, self-reliance.

validation.
Long Term Effects of

Praise and Encouragement
Praise feeds the the tip of the iceberg (good behavior),
but does not reach below the surface
(the need to belong and feel significant).
Every child wants to hear, "I'm so proud of you,"
once in awhile. As Dreikurs said, “Praise, necessary as it
is, must be used with caution or it may lead to a
dependency on approval. Overdone, it promotes insecurity,
as the child becomes frightened at the prospect of not being
able to live up to expectations.”
Encouragement helps people develop a belief in their
personal significance and capability.
Notice that the iceberg has a shape similar to a heart.

The root word in encourage is courage which is from the
Latin word “cor” meaning heart.
Thus, to encourage is to give someone heart—To give courage ...
We reach the whole heart with encouragement.

Create a Wheel of Choice With Your Child
It is important that children are involved in the

creation of their Wheel of Choice. Involvement
enhances feelings of belonging, significance, and
capability. Involvement also increases motivation to
use what has been created.
Directions:
1. Sit at a table with paper and pencil and ask your child for ideas of
what he or she could do when feeling frustrated, sad, or hurt. What
would help him or her feel better (calm down) or that would be a
solution to the problem?
2. Write down every suggestion.
3. When your child has mentioned everything he or she can think of,
show him or her the Wheels of Choice on the next page to see if
there is anything he or she would like to add.
4. On another sheet of paper or tag board, draw a big circle with pie
pieces. (If your child is old enough, let him or her do it.)
5. Ask your child if he or she would like to draw pictures that represent
each choice, or would like to find clip art on the computer.
6. When the chart is finished, let your child hang it in a prominent
place.
Laura Beth’s (and Jake’s) success story: Jake (3 years old) used
his Wheel of Choice (above) today. Jake and his sister (17 months
old) were sitting on the sofa sharing a book. His sister, took the book
and Jake immediately flipped his lid. He yelled at her, grabbed the
book, and made her cry. She grabbed it back as I slowly walked in. I
asked Jake if he’d like to use his Wheel Of Choice to help—and he
actually said YES! He chose to “share his toys.” He got his sister her
own book that was more appropriate for her and she gladly gave him
his book back. They sat there for a while and then traded!

Wheels of Choice
The Wheel of Choice
(upper left) was created by
a 3rd grade class at
Innovations School in San
Diego.
The Wheel of Choice
(bottom left) is a program
created by Lynn Lott and
Jane Nelsen. It includes 14
lessons to teach the skills
of the choices. Available at:
www.positivediscipline.com
The examples provide ideas, The bottom right Wheel of
however, the Wheel of Choice is Choice was created by
most effective when your child Paula Gray and appears in
has the biggest part in creating it. Positive Discipline books.
and the Positive Discipline
Tool Cards.
share and
take turns
ignore it
be a friend
use an “I”
ask for help
message
say what
apologize
you want
work it out
count to ten together
go to cool
off spot try again
ask them
use the to stop
mistaken put it on
goal chart the agenda
adapted from Positive Discipline in the Classroom

by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn
copyright 2010 by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott

Don’t Back-Talk Back Activity

1. Find two people who will role-play with you.
2. Ask one to be the Typical Parent and the other to be the Positive
Discipline Parent. You can play the child.
3. Prepare scripts for the parents. (See next page.)
4. Ask the two parents to stand about 10 feet apart. Role-play the child
by going to the Typical Parent and saying, “I don’t have to.” The
Typical Parent will read statement No. 1. Then walk over to the
Positive Discipline Parent and say the same thing and listen to
his/her statement No. 1.
5. Walk back and forth between the Typical Parent and the
Positive Discipline Parent and listen to the rest of their statements
without saying anything. Notice what you are thinking, feeling, and
deciding.
6. When you are finished with the role-play, share what you were
thinking, feeling, and deciding (as the child) when hearing the
statements from both parents.

Don’t Back-Talk Back Continued
Typical Parent Positive Discipline

Parent
1. Don’t talk to me that way 1. I wonder what I did to upset
young lady! you so much?
2. Go to your room and don’t 2. Wow! You are really angry.

come out until you can be
3. I need to take some time out
respectful!
until I can be with you
3. You are grounded for a respectfully. (Modeling)
week.
4. I need a hug. Please come
4. How can you talk to me that find me when you are ready
way after all I have done for for one.
you?
5. What would help us right
5. You just lost all your now—some time out or
privileges. putting this on the family
meeting agenda?
6. Maybe Military School will
teach you to be more 6. I can hear you are really
respectful of upset. Do you feel
authority. like telling me
7. How far do you more?
think that smart
7. Put your hand
mouth will take
over your heart
you?
and look lovingly
8. You will be at your child.
respectful if I
have to ground 8. Do you know that I
you for a month. really love you?

What Were You Learning?
Check your
“Characteristics and Life Skills”
list again to see what you were
learning (while role-playing the
child) from the statements of the
typical parent and the Positive
Discipline parent?
Tips:
Calm down: You may need to
count to 10 or take deep
breaths before you can control
your behavior.
Apologize: If you do talk back,
wait until a calm time and
apologize—another great
model for your children.
Too often we expect our children to

control their behavior when we don’t
control our own. We talk back to our
children while trying to teach them
that they should not talk back.

The Bridge between Challenges

and Life Skills
Remember the promise made in the first lesson that you can use
behavior challenges to teach valuable social and life skills. The
challenge of back-talk provides another example.
Imagine your child back-talking to you by

saying, “I don’t have to.” Perhaps you have a
“real” example of back talking. Write it down.
Then write about how you might “back-talk-
back?”
What else could you say?
Thoughts to Ponder
1. What are you modeling for
your child when you back
talk back?
Remembering that mistakes 2. Are you expecting your
are opportunities to learn and child to control his or her
that there is no such thing as behavior when you don’t
a perfect parent, is there any control your own?
possibility that you did 3. What is your child learning
something to provoke your from your example?
child?


• Read Chapter 10 (Personality: How Yours Affects Theirs), Chapter
11 (Putting It All Together), and Chapter 12 (Love and Joy in Homes
and Classrooms) in Positive Discipline. Respond to the following:

• Journal about the times you remembered to make a connection

before correction.
• Create a Wheel of Choice WITH your children and bring it to next
class to share.
• Consciously void talking back to your back talking child.
• Journal about a time you modeled what you want for your children.
In the next lesson you

will have the opportunity
to discover your lifestyle
priority and how it might
affect your children.
Remember to have fun
with this personal growth
activity.


POSITIVE
DISCIPLINE
Workbook
Lesson Six
What is My Part?
Lifestyle Priorities (Top Card)
Mistakes as Opportunities to Learn
Empowering Vs. Discouraging
Dr. Jane Nelsen

Review of Tools for

Focusing on Solutions
• Family Meetings
• Joint Problem-Solving
(similar to family meetings only
one-to-one)
• Involving children in the creation
of a Wheel of Choice
• Involving children in the creation
of Routine Charts
• Curiosity Questions
• Limited Choices
• Having faith in child (show
empathy and then be quiet and
allow time for your child to figure
it out)
• Brainstorm for solutions with your
child
• Each randomly choose a Positive
Discipline Tool Card and decide
together which tool might work to
solve the problem
• Connection before Correction
(focusing on solutions)
• Listen for understanding
Lesson Six www.positivediscipline.com Page 2

What is My Part?
A Few Tools for

The new Mistaken Goal Chart on Connecting and
P. 3 of Lesson 4, illustrates how Correcting
parents may help create the
• Apologize for your part
challenging behavior they
complain about. Taking • Acknowledge and
responsibility for your part can be validate feelings
done without blame, shame, or • Hugs
guilt—but with awareness that
can help you change. • Positive time-out
• Listen without defending
or explaining
Tips: • Focus on solutions
Breathe: When you catch yourself • Put the problem on the
creating a problem. family meeting agenda
Encourage yourself: Remember • Joint problem-solving
that you are human and will never
be perfect. • 4 steps for winning
children over
Model: Use the Four Rs of
Recovery from Mistakes • Make sure the message
presented on Page 5 of Lesson 6. of love gets through
All Positive Discipline tools are designed to create a

connection and correction.

What is Your Part?

(See new Mistaken Goal Chart on P. 3 of Lesson Four)
This is about awareness—not blame or guilt
Think of a time your child engaged you in “Undue

Attention.” What happened? What was your part in
creating the need for Undue Attention? What did your
child learn from your part?
Think of a time your child engaged you in “Misguided

Power.” What happened? What was your part in
creating the need for Misguided Power? What did
your child learn?
Think of a time your child engaged you in

“Revenge.” What happened? What was your part in
creating the need for Revenge? What did your child
learn?
Think of a time your child engaged you in “Assumed

Inadequacy.” What happened? What was your part in
creating the need for “Giving Up”? What did your
child learn?

Four Rs of Recovery from Mistakes
1. Recognize your mistake (awareness)

2. Reconnect (sit or stand at eye level as you
share your mistake)
3. Reconcile (apologize)
4. Resolve (focus on a solution)
Exercise:
• Think of a recent mistake you have made. (Awareness)
• Ask your child if he or she will sit next to you because you want
to apologize. (Reconnect)
• Briefly apologize. (Children usually say, “That’s okay.”)
• Ask your child if he or she will now work with you to find a
solution to the problem. (It might add some fun to this step if you
each choose a card from the deck of Positive Discipline Tool
Cards and decide together if one of them would be a good
solution. If not, choose another card, or come up with a creative
solution of your own.)
Sometimes children aren’t ready for

an apology right away. Allow some
cooling off time if it seems appropriate.


you were teaching (modeling) while
getting into your child’s world and
taking responsibility for your part?
Can you imagine a world where

people truly view mistakes as
opportunities for learning; and
blame and shame are never part
of the equation?
Can you imagine a world where
children feel safe to take risks and
see mistakes as nothing more than
an exciting part of living?
To make sure the message of love

gets through when mistakes are made,
verbalize it. Examples: “Do you know
how much I love you?” “I love you
so much, AND I need some time
out right now to calm down.” “I
need a hug. Come find me when
you are ready.”

Mistakes as Opportunities to Learn
What did you decide about

When
yourself? I am
you were a child,
what messages did
you receive about
mistakes?
What did you decide to do

when you made mistakes?
(Hide them, avoid risks, blame
others?)
How do your early decisions affect how you feel and what
you do about mistakes today?
Avoid perpetuating Exercise:

perfectionism by teaching
During dinnertime, invite
children that mistakes are everyone to share a
wonderful opportunities to mistake and what they
learn. learned from it.

Mistakes Interview
1. What are the messages you heard from your parents about mistakes
either stated or implied? Based on the messages you heard, what did
you decide about mistakes and about yourself? I am:
2. Based on that decision, what kind of behaviors do you do to either avoid

making mistakes or keep others from knowing if you do?
3. What do you think your child is deciding about mistakes?
4. Describe a time when your child made a mistake and you were
supportive and encouraging.
a. What did you do?
b. What was the result of what you did?
c. What do you think your child learned from that experience?
1) What perceptions?
2) What skills?

Mistakes Interview Continued
d. What did you learn?
5. Describe a time when your child made a mistake and you were not
supportive and encouraging.
a. What did you do?
b. What was the result of what you did?
c. What do you think your child learned from that experience?
1) What perceptions?
2) What skills?
d. What did you learn?

Lifestyle Priorities (Top Card) Activity

Lifestyle Priorities was created by Nira Kifer of Israel, and expanded by Bill and Mim Pew,
Steve Cunningham, Jane Nelsen, and Lynn Lott.
Superiority Control Pleasing Comfort
1. In the boxes, rank the packages from 1 to 4 with No. 1 being the one that would be the
most difficult for you to deal with.
2. My top card is (the box ranked No. 1) ___________________________________
3. My style is (the box ranked No. 2) ___________________________________
4. A bumper sticker (life motto) for my top card could be:
5. My best assets are: 6. My liabilities are:
7. My top card may invite from others: 8. Specific steps for improvement:

Top Card at Your Best and Your Worst

Adapted from Do It Yourself Therapy by Lynn Lott, Riki Intner, & Barbara Mendenhall
Top Card At your worst you may: At your best you may:
Superiority Take on too much and become overwhelmed Be idealistic and have a lot of social interest.
and overburdened. Be productive and knowledgeable. Willing to
Know it all and like to be right. work hard.
Look for blame instead of taking responsibility. Make people laugh.
Do it all yourself instead of delegating. Encourage others.
See others as better than, or worse than. Receive a lot of awards and prizes (or degrees
Be critical of self and others. and licenses).
Seem arrogant to others. Be a leader instead of waiting for others to tell
Try to hide feelings of inferiority. you what to do to get things done.
Never satisfied. Be very creative.
May invite others to feel inadequate and Be clear about what is important.
insignificant. Have a lot of self-confidence.
Control Lack spontaneity. Be organized.

Create social and emotional distance. Be a good leader and crises manager.
May be emotionally unavailable. Coordinate activities.
Hide your weaknesses. Be persistent.
Get defensive instead of remaining open. Take charge and bring order to chaos.
Avoid dealing with issues when you feel Be loyal and helpful. Reliable and faithful.
criticized. Obey the law.
Sometimes wait for permission. Be objective and logical.
Be critical and faultfinding. Get tasks done quickly.
May invite power struggles and rebellion. Wait patiently. Don’t give up.
Pleasing Be too apologetic, give in too much. Be friendly and have lots of friends.
Have difficulty taking a stand. Be considerate and sensitive to the feelings of
Not bother to ask others what pleases them others. Give a lot—reach out.
and then feel resentful when they aren’t Show genuine interest in others.
pleased. Be adaptable and willing to compromise.
Be distrustful and easily hurt. Oversensitive. Be a good listener and empathetic.
Not say what you want. Love easily. Really care about others.
Say yes when you want to say no. Are optimistic and usually see the positive in
Avoid dealing with conflict. others.
May deny problems. Volunteer and people count on you.
May invite others to feel annoyed and guilty Avoid creating conflict.
– and then resentful.
Comfort Be hard to motivate. Be stable and dependable.

Be idle and non-productive. Create a comfortable, relaxing atmosphere for
Take the path of least resistance. others. (A wonderful host or hostess.)
Avoid conflict and new experiences. Be flexible and easy going.
Do only the things you do well. Be good and letting others feel important.
Allow others to do your share. Be easy to please.
Worry a lot, but don’t let others know how Do what you do very well.
scared you are. Mind your own business.
Juggle uncomfortable situations rather than Be diplomatic.
confront them.
Want to be taken care of. Don’t take initiative.
May invite others to feel frustrated and/or
bored.

Empowering Vs. Discouraging
Discouraging:
Getting between young people and
life experiences to minimize the
consequences of their choices
through punishment or
permissiveness.
Empowering:
Turning control over to young
people, as soon as possible, so
they have confidence, skills, and
power over their own lives.”
Exercise:
1. Read through the empowering statements and the discouraging
statements on the next two pages.
2. To “get into your child’s world” and feel what it is like to hear
these statements, ask a friend or a spouse to say them to you
while you role-play your child.
3. Find your list of characteristics and life skills you want for your
child and review which statements will help your child develop
these characteristics.

Empowering Vs. Discouraging Statements

Empowering Discouraging
1. "What is your picture of what is 1. “I can’t believe you have
going on regarding your procrastinated again. What
schoolwork? Could we brain will ever become of you?
storm together on some Okay, I’ll do it this time, but
possible solutions?" next time you’ll just have to
suffer the consequences.”
2. “I can see that you feel bad

2. “Honey, I thought you would
about getting that poor grade. I
do your schoolwork after I
have faith in you to learn from
bought you a car, a cell
this and figure out what you
phone, and gave you a big
need to do to get the grade you
allowance.”
want.”
3. “I'm not willing to bail you out. 3. “Sweetie, you hurry and do as
When your teacher calls I'll much as you can now while I
hand the phone to you so she pick out your clothes and
can warm up the car so you won’t
discuss it with you." (A be cold when I drive you to
respectful attitude and tone of school.”
voice is essential.)
4. “I just don’t
4. I'm willing to be understand. I
available for an excused you from
hour two nights a chores, I woke you
week when we up early, I drove
agree in advance on you everywhere
a convenient time, but so you would
I'm not willing to get have more
involved at the last time, and I made
minute." your lunches. How
could this be?”

Empowering Vs. Discouraging Statements

(Continued)
Empowering Discouraging
5. "I would like to hear what this 5. “Well, no wonder. I saw you
means for you. Would you be wasting your time watching
willing to hear my concerns?" TV, sleeping late, and
spending too much time with
your friends.“
6. "I hope you'll go to college, but
I'm not sure it's important to 6. “You should feel ashamed of
you. I’m happy to talk with you yourself. You’d better shape
about your thoughts or plans up or you’ll be shipping out to
about college.” live on the streets like a
bum.”
7. "I'm feeling too upset to talk
about this right now. Let's put it 7. “How many times have I told
on the agenda for the family you to get your schoolwork
meeting so we can talk about it done early? Why can’t you
when I'm not so emotional." be more like your brother?”
8. “Okay, I’ll write a note to the

8. "Could we sit down and see if teacher that you were
we can work on a plan sick this morning, but
regarding homework that you’ll need to be
we both can live sure and catch up
with?” so this doesn’t
happen again.”
9."I love you just the
9. “You are
way you are and
grounded and
respect you to choose
you lose all
what is right for you."
your privileges, no
car, no TV, no friends,
until it is done.”

What Were You Learning?

you were learning (while role-
playing your child) when hearing
the discouraging statements and
the empowering statements.
Tips:
Breathe: Take time to think
about the long-term results of
your communication with your
children.
Make sure the message of
love gets through: Some
children think their grades are
more important to their parents
than they are. This hurts and is
likely to invite revenge. Children
often hurt themselves when
trying to get even for their hurt.
Take time for training: Your children

are more likely to make healthy
decisions if they have had practice
focusing on solutions during family
meetings, using a wheel of choice,
and creating routine charts.

A Few Points to Remember

Avoid power struggles by
respectfully sharing control.
Avoid micromanaging
children, so children
learn to feel capable.
Listen in ways that invite

children to listen.
Respectfully Focus on
Solutions and share
responsibility for your part
in conflicts.
When appropriate, kindly

and firmly Decide What
You Will Do.
Model all the skills you

want children to learn.

Co
Finding time to journal will deepen your

understanding of Positive Discipline. Often
you will gain insight just by writing about your
challenges. Remember to record your
success stories. Not only will they be a
source of encouragement, they are fun to
read for years to come.
WAYS TO GET SUPPORT
You will find continuing inspiration at:

www.facebook.com/positivediscipline
We hope you will like us.
You can sign up for my newsletter at:

www.positivediscipline.com While there, check out my blog.
www.positivediscipline.com/blog
For review, we have many Positive Discipline resources

including an online parenting class.
www.positivediscipline.com/store
As you know, the best way to learn is to teach. Consider

becoming a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator. For
live two-day workshops on Teaching Parenting the Positive
Discipline Way go to: www.positivediscipline.org/training
For the DVD training on Teaching Parenting the Positive

Discipline Way, go to: www.positivediscipline.com/training


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Positive Discipline Workbook Jane Nelsen

The Positive Discipline

Copyright © Jane Nelsen 2011

Many of the activities are taken from the

Published by Positive Discipline

You may be taking a class with a Certified Positive Discipline Parent

Dr. Jane Nelsen

What Do You Want for Your Children?

Imagine your child is now twenty-five

All future lessons will help you arrive at your destination.

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 2

Two Lists Activity

Under the “Now” heading, list the behavior challenges you

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 3

Two Lists, Continued

Following is a list of behavior challenges (Now) and life skills and

• Won’t listen • Belief in personal capability

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 4

What You and Your Child Will Learn

This class will help you

You will learn:

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 5

My Child Doesn’t Listen

Children will listen to you

When your child tells you something, do you

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 6

The root of education is educaré,

Your lectures go in one ear and out the

Ask Conversational Curiosity

Instead of “telling,” try “asking”:

• What were you trying to accomplish?

Do not use the above as a script. Be sure your

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 7

Asking vs. Telling Activity

When you finish the role-play, share what you

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 8

Asking vs. Telling Activity, Continued

1. Go brush your teeth. 1. What do you need to do so your

6. Hurry up and 5. What did we decide about what

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 9

What Were You Learning

Check your “Characteristics and Life

Telling creates physiological tension

Journaling about your experience will

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 10

Connection Through Hugs

Connection before Correction is an important theme of Positive

Dr. Bob Bradbury, a Seattle Adlerian, interviewed

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 11

Practice and Reading Assignments (if you are using

• Journal about what you are learning to deepen your experience.

• Start a list of Positive Discipline Tools you are learning.

There are not any

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 12

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 13

Lesson One www.positivediscipline.com Page 14

Dr. Jane Nelsen

Discipline: What Have You Tried?

When parents claim they have tried everything,