Tongue Fu

Perspectives
Tongue Fu
All
Why Cant You Shut Up?

Prof. John Barkai
William S. Richardson School of Law
University of Hawaii
Thats just great!
Thanks for your concern Mom
One size does not fit all
1996 $.03 Amazon

Hawaii State Library
2004 $2 Amazon
- At School in electronic too
Tongue Fu
-a collection of techniques to
improve communication and reduce
conflict.
- will likely improve your life and
those who share it with you.
Tongue Fu
Hear a Sam Horn's Tongue Fu presentation

http://www.samhorn.com/audio/
or http://www.tonguefu.com
Kung Fu
Chinese martial art
emphasizing internal
development
to defuse, disarm
and deflect
physical attack.
Tongue Fu
Martial art of
verbal self-protection &
communication
to prevent conflicts and
resentment when you
have good intentions.
Goals of Tongue Fu
Change the way others react to
your good intentions
Protect yourself
Assumption
They & you have good intentions.
If not, you will need other skills.
Its not what you say,

but how you say it
(not 100% true of course)
"Smooth words
make smooth ways"
Japanese Proverb
The System
Words to Lose
Words to Use
Certain words cause

problems & conflicts
Lose
Fighting phrases
Use
Friendly phrases
Avoid trigger words that create resentment
instead, build rapport
Sticks and stones

can break my bones,
but words
can break my heart.
- Robert Fulghum
Sticks and stones

can break my bones,
but words
can break my heart.
- Robert Fulghum
And make me really mad too!
A few Tongue Fu tools

But out
Dont should on them
Avoid extremes
Stop defending yourself
Never say No!
Dont make excuses
If is your mistake
Make requests, dont give orders
See the issue
Get them under control
Who makes you mad?
Exit no-win disputes gracefully
Tongue Glue
Fun Fu
Fresh start
But out
Im sure
youre all really
smart,
but
I know you all

think you are
really helping
foster kids,
but
But out
Lose
But
Cancels
Hurtful word
Anchors an argument
Use
And
Acknowledges
Connects
Advances
Acknowledge, dont argue

Connect, dont cancel
AND instead of BUT

CONNECT instead of CANCEL
BUT
You did a good job, but
you get defensive when
someone gives you
constructive criticism.
You said we could work
together on this, but I
feel like you took it
away from me
You cant build a relationship

with a hammer.
AND instead of BUT

BUT
AND
You did a good job, but you

get defensive when someone
gives you constructive
criticism.
You did a good job, and,

when you can learn to accept
some help, youll do even
better and be an even more
valuable team member.
Thats a great idea, but we

dont have the money for it.
Thats a great idea, and I

wonder how we can get it
funded?
AND instead of BUT
Needlessly offending people
Dont SHOULD on people

Lose
You should have
You need to
Cant change past
Shames
Lose face
Resentment
Use
Next time
From now on
In the future
Coaches
Respectful
Shapes
Coach instead of criticize
NEXT TIME
instead of SHOULD
Mistakes are like gold in the mine.
--- Juran
SHOULD
Next time
In the future
You should have given more

thought to this before you did it.
Next time,
You should have had that

document reviewed before
sending it out to everyone.
In the future
NEXT TIME
instead of SHOULD
SHOULD
You should have given
thought to the complexity
of this beforehand.
NEXT TIME
Next time, please plan and
do risk analysis, before you
execute.
You should have had that Next time, please have

document reviewed before another pair of eyes review
distributing it to everyone. the document before
sending it out to everyone.
Avoid EXTREMES
be SPECIFIC
EXTREMES: NEVER,
ALWAYS, NO ONE
You never attend my

meetings.
You always tell me youll
be done on time, and
you never are.
Extremes get the discussion off target
SPECIFICS
Avoid EXTREMES
be SPECIFIC
EXTREMES: NEVER,
ALWAYS, NO ONE
SPECIFICS
You never attend my

meetings.
This is the second time this

month youve missed. Is there
a problem? We need your
area to be represented.
You always tell me youll

be done on time, and
you never are.
Your work was late last week

too. Please let me know in
advance if youre going to miss
the estimates.
Stop Defending
Yourself
Dont know what to say

when you are accused?
You obviously dont

care much about
me or my real family!
I can see that

you dont care what happens
to me or my brother.
Dont really say anything.

Find out the real issue
Ask Questions
Answer accusations
with questions
What do you mean?

Why do you say that?
What makes you think that?
Careful about your tone of voice when you say these things
Answer Accusations
with Questions
Lose
Defending or
denying
Use
Clarify first
discover the issue
Accuse someone
near you
then let them
draw you out
by asking questions
Never say No or Cant

Words to Lose
No
You cant
You cant
because
Words to Use
Sure, as soon as
Yes, right after
Shuts the verbal door in the face

Dead-end words
Shifts the responsibility for getting what they want to you not them.
Send it back to them.
Dont make excuses
When people complain

Dont explain
Take the A train
Explanations Appear As EXCUSES

If what theyre saying is basically true,
say YOURE RIGHT! (magic words)
and take the AAA Train
A= Agree:
You are right.
A= Apologize: Im sorry.
A= Act:
I will
- sometimes you dont even have to act
If it is your Mistake?
Lose
No way! I
didnt
Use
Youre right. I
should
have
Just admit it, dont try to excuse it
Make Requests
Dont give orders
Make Requests,
Dont give orders
Lose
Youll have to
You need to
Sounds like orders
Use
If you would?
Could you
please?
Would you like?
Use
Requests
Recommendations
PLEASE
instead of HAVE TO
PLEASE
instead of HAVE TO
Common courtesy isnt.
Tongue Fuism
REQUEST instead of ORDER
HAVE TO
You have to get your status reports
posted on by Friday.
You have to complete a change
request if you want that to be
added to the project.
PLEASE
PLEASE
instead of HAVE TO
Common courtesy isnt. Tongue Fuism
REQUEST instead of ORDER

HAVE TO
PLEASE
You have to get your status reports

posted on by Friday.
In order to avoid being on the

compliance report, please post the
status by Friday.
You have to complete a change

request if you want that to be
added to the project.
In order that we may provide you

with a valid estimate of the impact,
please, submit a change request.
Sense of Humor Helps!
The customers always right!

Attitude is a choice! We cant change
people. We can change our response
to them.
Learning to respond, rather than
react or ignore, takes practice!
Always keep your sense of humor.
See the issue
Dad,
you are
not listening to me
Eye Contact
Kids know that your eyes show
where your attention is focused
So do adults.

Turn Ranting and
Raving into Reporting
by
Taking Notes
Start at the beginning and
tell me what happened.
Repeating themselves?
Say, Thats right,

Ive got that right here.
What happened next?
Who makes you mad?
No one can make you angry

without your consent
-
story of the employee and boss

9 am incident
fuming all day
told spouse that night
- who is making you mad?

- who did you give a ride home to?
- who did you set a place for at the table?
Short Video by Sam Horn
No one can make you angry

without your consent
-
story of the employee and boss

happened at 9 am
angry all day
told spouse that night
- who is making you mad?

- who did you give a ride home to?
- who did you set a place for at the table?
No-win Disputes
Part of the happiness of life consists not in
fighting battles, but avoiding them.
Norman Vincent Peale
To think is to differ.- Clarence Darrow
We may not always see eye to eye, but we
can try to see heart-to-heart. Sam
Levenson
No-win Disputes
Lets agree to disagree on this one.
You know what, we are both right.
Hey, we need to remember were on the same side.
Just because we dont see eye to eye doesnt mean
we have to be enemies.
This is a no-win. Next subject.
Tongue Glue
Tongue Glue
It is better to swallow words
than to have to eat them later. Franklin D. Roosevelt
I never regretted a single thing I didnt say. Calvin Coolidge
The real art of conversation is not only to say the

right thing and the right place, but to leave unsaid
the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Anyone who gossips to us will gossip about us.
There is much to be said for not saying much.
Dont take control,

share control
People are usually more convinced by reasons they
discovered themselves than by those found by
others. - Pascal
Its coexistence or no existence. Bertrand Russell
We learn best through self discovery .- Socrates
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld (vacation story)
Fun Fu
Find a humorous response to
someone pressing you hot buttons.
Steal their thunder.
Tall mans T-shirt:
Front side: No Im not a basketball player.
Back side: Are you a jockey?
Its 5 p.m. now
Nonverbal
Communication
Attitude
When to Tongue Fu em
Trivial?
Persistent?
Worth the consequences?
Good timing?
Good manners
are made with petty
sacrifices
You can try to teach a

pig to sing,
You can try to teach a

pig to sing,
but it wastes your
time,
and annoys the pig
Make an Action Plan

Pick one or two to change
In what situation?
Starting today Im going to

Tell the person next to you

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Perspectives

Why Cant You Shut Up?

Thats just great!

Thanks for your concern Mom

One size does not fit all

1996 $.03 Amazon

Hear a Sam Horn's Tongue Fu presentation

If not, you will need other skills.

Its not what you say,

Certain words cause

Sticks and stones

Sticks and stones

And make me really mad too!

A few Tongue Fu tools

I know you all

Acknowledge, dont argue

AND instead of BUT

You cant build a relationship

AND instead of BUT

You did a good job, but you

You did a good job, and,

Thats a great idea, but we

Thats a great idea, and I

AND instead of BUT

Needlessly offending people

Dont SHOULD on people

Coach instead of criticize

You should have given more

You should have had that

You should have had that Next time, please have

You never attend my

You never attend my

This is the second time this

You always tell me youll

Your work was late last week

Dont know what to say

You obviously dont

I can see that

Dont really say anything.

What do you mean?

Never say No or Cant

Shuts the verbal door in the face

Dont make excuses

When people complain

Explanations Appear As EXCUSES

Just admit it, dont try to excuse it

Sounds like orders

REQUEST instead of ORDER

You have to get your status reports

In order to avoid being on the

You have to complete a change

In order that we may provide you

Sense of Humor Helps!

The customers always right!

See the issue

Get them under control

Get them under control

Say, Thats right,

Who makes you mad?