a fatal fault at the start

Vent blog for @goldbloodedbeast since I… feel like my vent stuff can get pretty intense at times

mostly gonna talk about otherkin and species dysphoria stuff

Byrde, he/they

tags:

🥀 yearning for the nest - posts about my dragon family and my longing for one

⛓️ servant - posts about my feelings about being a servant to human society, and feeling like I’m beneath them

🩸 not myself - species dysphoria talk

🧣 where is your rider? - posts about my past rider/yearning for one

(Will prolly update this over time)

I want out. fuck. I want out so bad. I want out of this house, this town, this country. I need my wings back. I need to fly. I need to go home to the mountains. I need to have my freedom back, I need to go back to the wild.

I’m trapped here. I’m wasting away here. I need to be free.

sometimes I think about how to train your dragon: the hidden world and how much toothless in that movie was criticized by fans for… “choosing the light fury over hiccup?” which… isn’t what I got at all, really? I mean, maybe that’s what hiccup thought bc obviously he wasn’t used to his best friend not being around, but like… I don’t blame toothless for being so fixated on her. and I don’t think that was what he was trying to do, he was just excited.

if I were in his position- finally finding someone even a little like me after years of thinking I was the only one? I would be over the moon too… I’m always wondering if there’s other dragons like me out there. there are other dragons, I know this. but I don’t know if any of them are the same species as me. if I found out there was it would be all that’s on my mind for a while too… doesn’t mean I would stop caring about my other loved ones. I mean, toothless definitely didn’t, at least in my eyes. yeah he left but it was for a totally different reason…

idk. from what I’ve seen that movie is considered the worst in the trilogy, and ig it has its flaws, but for me I actually found Toothless super relatable in it… I’m not sure which one of the trilogy is my fav cause I haven’t watched the movies in a long time but I think I have a special appreciation for the hidden world. I hope that one day I can find another like me… even if it’s not in this lifetime

It’s kinda ironic how cowardly I am for a dragon. (and pathetic)

I get startled by something, or things get too intense for me, and my first instinct isn’t to breathe fire and defend myself- it’s to run and hide and wait for the danger to go away.

Maybe it’s because the humans taught me to be this way. Or maybe it’s just the instinct all animals have when they’re faced by something they know they’re not strong enough to go up against. And in this form… that’s pretty much everything, for me. I know I can’t breathe fire, clamp my jaws down or swipe my claws, so all I can do is resort to running.

I wish I had my old body back. Maybe then I would feel less helpless against everything. But I guess all I can really do for now is try to make do with this body.

holidays at a family gathering are. to absolutely no one’s surprise. very overstimulating! extremely glad it’s over

…I know I’m probably more mentally ill than I’m willing to admit and probably need to be gentler with myself since I’m currently not in a situation where I can reach out for help. but it’s hard to determine what’s “being gentle with myself” and what’s letting myself off the hook too much

I don’t even know who’s holding me prisoner anymore. is it you? is it me? is it society? is it all of the above?

one part wants to rip throats to shreds and burn my way out of this place by force. the other wants to cower and hide and cry, afraid and confused by everything unfolding around it.

my mind and my instincts tell me so many conflicting things. it says I’m pathetic and weak, that I need to be stronger, that I need to fight. it says I’m in danger, that I need to run and protect myself, that something is about to dig its claws into me and I won’t be able to escape.

I’m scared. I’m scared of so many things. and I’m angered by so many things. everything around me is so loud, so uncertain, spiraling out of control. if I leave this place, I will be alone. if I stay here, I’ll continue being ignored by the “family” that seem to constantly forget I exist. if I don’t tell anyone how I’m feeling, I might wind up alone forever. if I give in and tell people I need help, they could reject or ignore me, and I’ll end up the same either way.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I don’t want to be human anymore. I would rather be dead than be this. helpless, confused, terrified, filled with so many emotions I don’t know what to do this. no one can save me but myself, but I don’t even know if I can rely on whoever that is.

trying to speak articulately all the time tiring. wish was acceptable to just respond to people with emojis or something.

especially when writing. love telling stories but takes extra effort to finish chapters because words always hard to remember. always overthinking if words work well together or not. want to write emails or write opinions on important things but that even harder.

mostly causes trouble with communicating though. sometimes want to go nonverbal but has been speaking normally for 21 years, don’t think humans would let me.

hate being dumb animal trapped in human body. wish could just be one or the other sometimes.

been feeling kind of disconnected from myself recently

I don’t. know how to explain it?

I just… I dunno. been going through some system hardships I don’t exactly know how to put it into words

I wish I could gently headbutt or wrap my wings around sad mutuals through the screen. I can never conjure what feels like the right words to comfort them.