Sgt.Crow

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.

it hurt.

gaz saw the way toby stepped back—the way his body stiffened, the way that small, almost instinctive smile he’d started to give him faltered and faded into nothing. like gaz’s presence wasn’t welcome here. like gaz himself wasn’t welcome.

it didn’t help the thoughts that had been clawing at his brain for the past week, screaming at him that something was wrong. that toby didn’t love him anymore. that maybe—maybe—he’d finally woken up one day and realized gaz wasn’t worth it.

his stomach churned. his chest ached. but he forced those thoughts away, locked them up, buried them deep.

because this wasn’t about him.

so he took a slow, steadying breath, grounding himself.

“the recruits… they were begging me to get you to quiet down.” his voice was gentle, even though his heart felt anything but. he tried for a chuckle, something light to ease the tension, but it came out thin, humorless.

“pretty sure they were two minutes away from launching a mutiny.”

toby didn’t laugh. didn’t even acknowledge the attempt. he just stood there, completely still, fingers curled around the neck of his bass, the weight of it pressing into his torso like an anchor.

silent. unreadable. like he was somewhere else entirely.

gaz felt something crack inside him.

enough.

his fingers twitched at his sides. his throat was dry.

“have i…” he hesitated, the words catching in his mouth for just a second. but fuck it. he needed to know.

“have i done something wrong?”

his voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but the weight of it was heavy. the space between them felt massive.

Crow wasn’t sure how he felt about Gaz being there.

He liked his company, of course he did. He just… didn’t want it. Couldn’t want it. Not now, and probably not ever.

‘So replaceable, you know? He’d be better off without you. Better off with someone who was as good of a person as him.’

The thoughts were getting too loud again, too hurtful, and Crow could barely hear what Gaz was saying to him over the noise, didn’t need to hear him to know his words were spoken with a softness that he didn’t deserve.

He always did so, always treated him right and always knew what to say, be it kind and caring or something more firm and steadying. And what did Crow bring him, his own problems?

‘Exactly. You’re a burden. All you ever will be.’

For seemingly the first time, Crow’s chest heaved with a heavy breath and he stepped forward dazedly.

He just about registered Gaz’s words, looking at him with that look in his eyes. Distant but all too painfully aware.

“Wha- No. No you-…” He swallowed thickly, heavy guilt starting to weigh down his shoulders. ‘Worrying him now you are. Can’t do anything right. Keep quiet already.’

As much as he beat himself up for it, he kept quiet, not wanting to say the wrong thing and make everything worse as he stepped past Gaz as apathetically as he could to turn the volume of his bass amp back up.

gaz didn’t know if he was angry, sad, or guilty. maybe all three. maybe something worse. whatever it was, it sure as hell didn’t ease the tight, aching feeling in his chest.

he’d been worried sick. every damn second of every damn day that crow had been avoiding him, he’d felt it. the gnawing anxiety in his gut, the creeping doubt in his head, the restless nights where sleep never seemed to come. he’d spent the past week chasing after answers, bothering crow’s friends, checking every place he thought he might be, but no one had anything concrete. just vague mentions of him throwing himself into work, then avoiding it like the plague. exhausting himself at the gym, then rotting in bed for hours on end. probably avoiding him.

and fuck, that was the part that hurt the most.

was it something he did? something he said? had he pushed too hard? not enough? was this it? was he the reason crow had pulled away? had he—

gaz clenched his jaw, forcing himself to push the thought down before it could fully form. he wasn’t going to spiral. not now. not when he was finally standing in front of crow, finally getting a chance to do something about it.

but then crow stepped past him. didn’t even meet his eyes. didn’t say a single word. just moved like gaz wasn’t even there, like he was a fucking ghost, like none of this mattered.

like they didn’t matter.

gaz felt something snap.

“toby, what the hell?”

before he even realized what he was doing, his hand shot out, slapping crow’s away before he could turn the amp back up. the contact wasn’t hard—wasn’t even meant to hurt—but it was enough. enough to force him to stop. enough to make crow finally look at him, really look at him.

he turned the volume back down with a sharp twist of his wrist, his fingers trembling from the effort of keeping himself together, of not letting every single emotion inside of him spill out at once.

his voice was tight when he spoke, the words coming out sharper than he intended, but he couldn’t stop them.

“what’s fuck’s going on?”

Crow drew his hand back sharply, like he’d been burned. Because it honestly felt like he had. Hurt enough to snap the dazed look in his eye away and his gaze turned so sharp as he faced Gaz it could burn right back, not unlike a deer caught in headlights.

Gaz had never hit him before. Not on purpose. Had he fucked up that bad? Finally proved himself to be a bad person enough for Gaz to realise he wasn’t worth his time? Was that why he was here now? To finally drop the dead weight that he was?

Crow drew in another breath, this one sharp in a way that hurt going down his windpipe, trying his best to steel himself in front of his boyfriend. ‘Is he your boyfriend? You said it yourself. You’re dead weight. After this you’ll be alone, like you should be’.

Everything turned too heavy then. The guilt on his shoulders, his rib cage squeezing his lungs and heart until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and nothing in that situation was helping.

He yanked his bass off of him and tossed it onto his bed in what looked to be anger, when really, he was so scared, panicked, begging his body to take in air as he faced Gaz once more.

He felt like a wild animal caught in a trap, panicked scared panicked, but he had to get it done with, chew his leg off already. No more point dreading his fate when he was staring it dead in the eye.

“It’s nothing! Kyle!! Okay?! I- fuck. Fuck-!”

He held his hand tight to his chest, the nails digging into it more painful than any slap.

‘Get it over with. Only hurting him more by stalling. Distance yourself’.

His eyes glazed over wickedly where they glared into Gaz’s, cruel tint in them disguising his pain. “Just- Fuck off already!! I can’t- I can’t do this! I can’t-… I need distance for fuck sake-!”

crow flinched, his whole body going rigid at gaz’s outburst, but his eyes burned just as fiercely, sharp and defensive. like a cornered animal, like something about to bolt.

gaz didn’t care.

not when his own heart was pounding, not when his hands curled into fists at his sides, not when his throat burned with the sheer force of keeping everything inside.

not when the words crow had just thrown at him still rang in his ears, fuck off already, like gaz was nothing, like he was some stranger, like—

no.

no, he wasn’t going to let this happen.

unless crow outright said they were done, unless he looked him in the eyes and told him that he didn’t love him anymore, gaz wasn’t fucking leaving.

his voice shook when he spoke, raw and unsteady, but the determination in it was solid, unwavering.

“no! i’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck’s going on, toby!”

his chest heaved as he sucked in a sharp breath, eyes boring into crow’s, desperate, pleading, angry—everything all at once.

“because i don’t fucking get it,” he continued, voice quieter now but no less intense. “i don’t get why you’re avoiding me. i don’t get why you won’t talk to me. i don’t get why you’re acting like i don’t fucking matter to you.”

his jaw clenched, his entire body tense.

“so unless you’re gonna stand there and tell me we’re done, that you don’t love me anymore—” his voice cracked on the last word, but he pushed through it, shaking his head. “—then you don’t get to tell me to fuck off.”

he took a step forward, his fingers twitching at his sides, itching to reach out, to grab crow’s hand, to hold him, something, but he held back.

because right now, this wasn’t just about him.

this was about crow. about whatever storm was raging inside of him.

and gaz was going to stand here, stay here, until he understood it.

The seconds dragged on agonisingly as Crow spent them staring at Gaz again, a frustrated sob eventually breaking the silence, the sound coming from deep within his throat as he grew more irritated with himself.

Gaz was right. He didn’t get it. That’s how tricked Crow had got him, fooled him past his sweet and caring facade and revealed himself to be as terrible as he was.

That’s why he needed to put distance between them, mercy Gaz and let him put the pieces together without Crow getting in the fucking way for once, avoid hurting the man he loved so much by staying so far away.

“…You matter to me. So much.” His voice shook, wavered with the pain and uncertainty around the idea of even saying something so soft to Gaz when he was being so cruel.

He had no time to think about that though, his resolve steadily failing and he pulled back all too suddenly holding another sob down. If Gaz wouldn’t ‘fuck off’, then Crow would be the one to do it.

His feet were quick yet heavy as they carried him across his room, his hands shaky yet determined as they sorted through one of his bedside drawers, before he got up and left his room entirely with what he was looking for in hand.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the despair in Gaz’s eyes as he left, so he avoided looking at him entirely. Instead, his hand tightened around the box of cigarettes he’d held.

It had been years since he’d touched the vile things. Years since he’d fucked up enough to decide he needed one.

Images of how Gaz had looked at him flashed through his mind as he fled his own room, anger, pain, sorrow, and he knew this was one of those times he’d fucked up.

gaz stood there, frozen in place, watching crow unravel in front of him.

the sob that tore from crow’s throat sent a sharp, splintering crack through gaz’s chest. it was raw, unfiltered, filled with something so agonizingly real that it made his breath hitch.

but then—then crow was talking, and the words that left his lips hit gaz harder than any shove or slap ever could.

"you matter to me. so much."

his heart clenched. for a second, hope flared in his chest, flickering, weak but there. crow still cared, still—

but then he was moving, too fast, too frantic, pulling away again, slipping through gaz’s fingers like sand. gaz barely had time to process it before crow was across the room, rifling through his drawer with shaking hands.

gaz didn’t move. couldn’t. not when crow’s expression—frustrated, distant, pained—had carved itself into his mind like a fresh wound.

and then—then he saw it.

the cigarettes.

gaz’s stomach dropped.

for a second, he didn’t even react. just stood there, staring, as realization clawed its way into his chest.

years. he knows it’s been years since crow touched those fucking things. years since he needed them. since he wanted them.

but now—now he did. and gaz had to watch as he took them and walked right out of the room, didn’t even look at him, didn’t even hesitate.

gaz felt something ugly twist in his gut. it felt like a slap to the face. like all the progress they’d made—all the nights gaz spent holding him close, making sure he knew he wasn’t alone, making sure he never felt like he had to go back to that—had been for nothing.

"toby."

his own voice sounded far away.

"crow—"

he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

his hands clenched into fists. his chest ached with something unbearably heavy. and then, finally, his body caught up to his mind, and he bolted after him.

Crow didn’t turn around, couldn’t, the sound of Gaz’s voice too quiet to hear over the feeling of dread that was steadily building up.

The box of cigarettes in his hands was crushed even further the more Crow thought about them, the heavy taste of them in the back of his throat, their smell. It was absolutely dread that he was feeling, a gross fear of the memories they brought up - too young and too used to that smell.

He figured the things were perfect in that moment then. No better distraction than the one that made him feel like his parents, reminded him how alike he was to them when the smoke engulfed him. ‘Cruel, disgusting, selfish person’.

…He wasn’t sure what compelled him to look back - guilt, it was guilt and everything regretful - but a simple glance over his shoulder and he saw none other than Gaz himself chasing him down.

Crow’s steps faltered so badly out of surprise that he stopped completely, staring at Gaz as he got closer. Had he fooled him so badly? Tricked him so much that the man went as far as running through base to get to him?

He debated running off as well once he’d collected himself enough to get over the shock that wasn’t actually shock, it was incredibly in character for Gaz to chase Crow down after the latter had demanded self-destructive distance, and his decision was made quick when his feet began to step away again.

gaz didn’t give a damn about the looks they were getting.

he barely registered them at all, too focused on closing the distance between him and crow, on the way his boyfriend—was he still his boyfriend?—kept trying to put space between them, like he was something to be avoided, discarded.

crow was already outside by the time gaz reached him, the cold air biting against his skin, but he didn’t stop, not until his fingers curled around crow’s wrist and pulled.

crow barely had time to react before he was spun around, stumbling slightly as he found himself caught in gaz’s grip. it wasn’t painful, but it was firm, grounding, refusing to let him slip away again.

gaz’s free hand shot out, snatching the crumpled box of cigarettes before crow could react. he shoved them into his pocket, not willing to give crow the chance to fight for them back.

then, finally, he looked up—really looked at him.

his chest clenched at what he saw.

crow’s eyes were distant, unfocused, like he wasn’t really there, like he was staring at something only he could see.

gaz hated that look. hated it more than anything.

his fingers tightened just slightly around crow’s wrist, grounding himself as much as he was trying to ground him.

“…i’m sorry.”

his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, but it felt like it carried all the weight in the world.

gaz didn’t know what he was apologizing for, not really. he didn’t understand what had gone wrong, why crow was acting like this, why he was running like gaz was some kind of threat—

but if crow was pushing him away, if he was spiraling this badly, he must’ve fucked up somehow.

“…if you want space that badly, i can give you that.” his voice wavered, the idea of letting go making something inside him ache. “but… god, please, i just want some sort of explanation. or at least the reassurance that i haven’t majorly fucked things up between us.”

Another sob, angry and raw, was ripped from Crow’s throat when Gaz caught up to him almost effortlessly, his grip tight and unwilling to let him go, as much as he tried.

It was grounding, the sudden proximity and touch, Crow would give him that. But it didn’t stop him from trying to pull and push away, stubbornly trying to get away and protect the one man he cared so much about from him. But even the struggle was grounding, helped Crow gather the chaos in his mind until he could look Gaz in the eye.

Absent and distant eyes met ones of sadness and pain and Crow found himself sobering up just a little from the trance he’d convinced himself so far into.

Gaz was… sorry. He was sorry, which was far from what he should be at that moment. Anger, yes, resignation, maybe. But nothing apologetic.

But… Crow supposed he expected this. Gaz was one of the most caring people in his life, stupidly determined in the right way that wasn’t as stubborn as his good for nothing boyfriend.

Of course he felt sorry. He felt sorry for Crow’s actions when Crow wanted anything but sorrow, didn’t deserve anything more than disgust and anger.

“…Why are you sorry?” his voice was just as quiet, if not quieter, than Gaz’s as he spoke in a hushed voice. Looking at Crow now, he looked more… attentive, expression filled with subtle emotion from the crease of his eyelids to the pull of his lips rather than being dead, empty. “Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about… I should be sorry. Fuck- I should be sorry, not you. Please.”

His hands started up their struggle once again, gentle tremors where he resisted the urge to reach out and grab Gaz, hold him close, run his fingers over each and every one of his features that he loved so much.

All he could do was hurt people, wasn’t it? ‘Unable to decide if you want space or warmth. Greedy, greedy, selfish. You know how to protect him, and everyone else you love, but you can’t? Selfish, disgusting,’ his mind sang and Crow shook his head harshly to clear it.

He couldn’t let those thoughts take him now. Not when Gaz was in front of him, looking so pained and begging for answers. He wouldn’t go distant now. Not if he could help it.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry! You haven’t done anything, of course you haven’t, it’s me… Kyle it’s me. I’m the one fucking up and I’m so sorry-!”

gaz didn’t think—he just moved.

the second that raw, broken sob tore its way out of crow’s throat, gaz was pulling him in, wrapping his arms around him tight—not tight enough to trap him, but enough to make sure crow felt it, felt that gaz was there, that he wasn’t going anywhere.

he didn’t care if crow pushed him away again, didn’t care if he struggled.

crow could fight all he wanted. gaz wasn’t letting him go.

not when he was trembling like this, barely holding himself together, not when his voice cracked with guilt—guilt he shouldn’t even be feeling.

gaz didn’t say anything at first. he just held crow against him, letting the other man shake in his arms, his hand moving to rub slow, grounding circles into his back.

crow needed to be somewhere safe, somewhere quiet, somewhere that wasn’t in the middle of base where he was suffocating under his own thoughts.

so gaz moved, keeping his hold firm as he led crow away.

he guided him into one of the empty supply rooms nearby, somewhere no one would walk in on them, somewhere the walls weren’t thin enough for people to overhear.

only when the door shut behind them did gaz finally let himself breathe. only then did he let himself speak.

“…i don’t know what’s going on inside your head, toby.” his voice was low, careful, like he was afraid crow might bolt if he said the wrong thing. gaz pulled back slightly—not far, just enough to actually look at him.

crow’s shoulders were tense, his hands trembling slightly where they hovered, unsure whether to push gaz away or pull him closer.

gaz ached at the sight.

“i don’t know what kind of horrors you’re carrying. i don’t know half the shit your mind is telling you right now.” his hands moved from crow’s back to cradle the sides of his face, forcing crow to look at him “but if there’s one thing i do know… it’s that you’re not alone.”

his thumbs brushed lightly over crow’s cheekbones, grounding both of them. “even if you think you should be. even if you try to make yourself believe that.” his grip softened, but he didn’t let go.

“i’m here. and i want to be here.”

a breath.

“…will you tell me what’s going on?”

Crow couldn’t find it in him to be surprised. Not when Gaz pulled him in close, not when Gaz dragged the two of them somewhere more private - the familiar supply closet sparking many certain memories that Crow couldn’t find it in him to be amused at either -, not when Gaz asked, practically begged, him to tell him what was going on.

That was just Gaz’s nature. Endlessly caring, excruciatingly compassionate about those he truly cared about. There was no use arguing about it, as much as Crow wanted to.

His tongue itched with self-deprecating words wishing to be spoken out loud, wishing to insist that he didn’t deserve this. With everything he had done, everything he is doing and everything he’s sure he’ll do, none of it could be worthy of such softness.

He wasn’t worthy of the way Gaz’s eyes looked into Crow’s and his hands held his face, keeping him grounded with a look of concern, softness, fear, warmth, worry… love, even.

Somehow after all of this, after that everything, Gaz still loved Crow. And Crow loved him too, of course he did, couldn’t not, not with how much he mattered to him. He mattered so much Crow had been willing to distance himself from him, his love, to keep him protected. Like his efforts resulted in anything.

His breath shook as he let out a heavy sigh, mind screaming at him to flee, say nothing.

The words ‘I’m here. And I want to be here’ rung out louder than any hurtful thought or fucking bass riff though. Endlessly caring…

His mouth was open before he realised, words spilling out in a way that would be pathetic if Crow wasn’t far more focused on keeping himself from running, again, focused on the way Gaz looked at him. “…I should be alone.” Another breath, even shakier than the last. “I- I’m not like you, Kyle. I’m mean and… stubborn.” Again, another breath, and again, something he would find funny if he didn’t feel like shit.

“You’re so good. You do everything to help and a- all I do is take… and you’d be better off without me. Y’know that, yeah? Know I’m not good for you, yeah?” As he rambled his hands had finally seemed to stop their unsure shaking as they started to grab at the front of Gaz’s shirt, begging for something even more grounding. “I- I thought distance would make you realise that and I’d- I dunno. I’d get to pout about it.”

His lips pried into an uneasy smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, before very quickly his shaky breathing devolved into actual sobs, eyes fogged over with tears rather than that distant look. “But- fuck-! You couldn’t have that, no? Have to be more stubborn than me? M’sorry, Kyle, I am. I don’t deserve you…”

((IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY 💔💔))

gaz couldn’t stand hearing it. not this, not crow’s self-loathing, not the constant doubt, the cruel words tearing themselves out of crow’s mouth like he had nothing but disgust for himself. it hit something deep in gaz, something raw and painful, because it wasn’t just the words crow was saying, it was the pain that came with them, the belief that he deserved to feel like this.

and it burned, that fucking fire inside him that wanted to snap at crow, to demand he stop, to shake some sense into him. but there was love in the way he looked at him. love, and patience—more than gaz even knew he had in him. and it took a moment, a long moment, for him to think, to calm himself enough to speak. because gaz wasn’t stupid. he knew crow didn’t want to feel like this, that he was just trying to protect him, protect them. but it didn’t make hearing it any easier.

gaz did hated hearing it. he hated hearing crow tear himself apart like this, hated it more than anything.

after a long, heavy breath, gaz finally sighed, his chest tight with the weight of the words he knew he needed to say.

he couldn’t let crow believe this. he couldn’t let him spiral deeper into whatever fucked-up place his mind was taking him. not when gaz was here. not when he cared so damn much.

“yeah, you can be mean and stubborn.” gaz’s voice was a mix of frustration and tenderness, the kind of harsh love that came from knowing someone so well that you could see the flaws, the struggles, and still love them just the same.

it was blunt. harsh even. but it was needed. gaz wouldn’t let him fall into this self-deprecation, not when he knew the truth. not when he knew that crow was so much more than the person he thought he was.

with a sharp flick, gaz gently tapped crow’s forehead with his fingers, his eyes narrowing with that familiar mix of concern and exasperation. gaz had dealt with enough of crow’s self-sabotage to know this wasn’t something to take lightly.

“but who the fuck do you think you are, deciding what i do and don’t deserve?” gaz’s tone was firm, a little biting, but there was an underlying softness in it too, the kind that said he wouldn’t back down. he wouldn’t let crow do this to himself.

he leaned in closer, his body a comforting presence as he looked into crow’s eyes, his voice lowering just a little more, but still full of that same forceful love.

“i decide what i deserve. not you. i decide what’s good for me. and what’s good for me… is you.”

his words hung in the air for a moment, thick with sincerity and something deeper. gaz wasn’t the type to be all flowery with his emotions, but damn it, crow needed to hear this.

he gave crow’s forehead another soft tap, his tone shifting to something more tender, more grounded in love, something that only came from years of knowing crow, of being there for him through thick and thin.

“i don’t care what you think you deserve or don’t deserve. i’m not letting you push me away just ‘cause you’re convinced you don’t deserve this.” gaz’s grip on crow tightened just slightly, not in a possessive way, but in a way that showed just how sure he was of what they had, of what he wanted.

he cupped crow’s cheek gently, wiping away a tear with his thumb before speaking again, quieter this time, softer. the frustration in his voice had melted into something more tender, more understanding, and so much more in tune with what crow needed.

“so quit it. you matter to me more than you think.” gaz’s voice was calm now, steady with the weight of everything he had been holding back. “more than anything in the world. and no matter how much you try to push me away, no matter how much you think you’re not good enough—i’ll always be here. because i choose you.”

he let the words hang there for a moment, letting them settle between them. gaz wasn’t going to let crow keep beating himself up, not when he knew how much crow truly needed to hear this, how much he needed to believe it.

“so stop fucking up, alright? you don’t get to decide this for us. we’re in this together, whether you like it or not.”

The firm tone Gaz spoke in would have shocked Crow if he wasn’t expecting it, his cruelty to be returned tenfold for his actions. A strong telling off for being so stubborn and the sad sack of a man he was.

Except, it wasn’t cruel. Strict but not mean. Gaz’s words were spoken with an underlying softness that Crow was yet to get used to.

And they definitely got his point across.

They settled in Crow’s chest and the folds of his mind, overpowering anything negative and weighing him down with a whole new mess of emotions, something far more guilty but far less self-sabotaging.

In fact, he felt ashamed, shy for thinking the way he had for a little over a week, for being so set on distancing himself from Gaz that he completely forgot the other also had a say in their relationship.

How dare he think he could leave what he and Gaz had and expect the both of them to be fine with it, how dare he try to do so and forget completely that they were in this together. It’d been said to him a hundred times and it would have to be said to him another hundred times over to properly register it. They were in this together.

How dare he even touch cigarettes as well. It had been a while since his self-sabotage had gone that far. What was wrong with him?

“Fuck-“ he sobbed breathlessly, having to take a deep breath to collect himself before speaking again. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

He wanted to pull away, not out of anger, but of pure embarrassment. The way Gaz held him told him the man wouldn’t tolerate that though, protective and loving and reasonably firm, told him he wouldn’t be able to separate from Gaz for a while after this all.

Unable to draw away, Crow settled for pulling in. Well, settled was a generous word to call it. More like considered, his hand shifting in its grip on Gaz’s shirt between that and his cheek, unsure if his touch was even welcome in that moment. If he’d earned the right to hold Gaz like that.

He cursed quietly under his breath after catching himself thinking like that again. A hundred times he’d been told…

“…I love you, Kyle,” he murmured, followed by a couple extra apologies as his hand slid into place on Gaz’s face, his palm cupping his cheek so perfectly.

“…I hate getting like this so much. I didn’t mean to push you away I- I thought I was doing the right thing but I am just stupid.” He tilted his head softly into Gaz’s palm, finally accepting his support fully, as guilty as it made him feel.

“I’m not getting any better with these episodes, am I?”

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.

it hurt.

gaz saw the way toby stepped back—the way his body stiffened, the way that small, almost instinctive smile he’d started to give him faltered and faded into nothing. like gaz’s presence wasn’t welcome here. like gaz himself wasn’t welcome.

it didn’t help the thoughts that had been clawing at his brain for the past week, screaming at him that something was wrong. that toby didn’t love him anymore. that maybe—maybe—he’d finally woken up one day and realized gaz wasn’t worth it.

his stomach churned. his chest ached. but he forced those thoughts away, locked them up, buried them deep.

because this wasn’t about him.

so he took a slow, steadying breath, grounding himself.

“the recruits… they were begging me to get you to quiet down.” his voice was gentle, even though his heart felt anything but. he tried for a chuckle, something light to ease the tension, but it came out thin, humorless.

“pretty sure they were two minutes away from launching a mutiny.”

toby didn’t laugh. didn’t even acknowledge the attempt. he just stood there, completely still, fingers curled around the neck of his bass, the weight of it pressing into his torso like an anchor.

silent. unreadable. like he was somewhere else entirely.

gaz felt something crack inside him.

enough.

his fingers twitched at his sides. his throat was dry.

“have i…” he hesitated, the words catching in his mouth for just a second. but fuck it. he needed to know.

“have i done something wrong?”

his voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but the weight of it was heavy. the space between them felt massive.

Crow wasn’t sure how he felt about Gaz being there.

He liked his company, of course he did. He just… didn’t want it. Couldn’t want it. Not now, and probably not ever.

‘So replaceable, you know? He’d be better off without you. Better off with someone who was as good of a person as him.’

The thoughts were getting too loud again, too hurtful, and Crow could barely hear what Gaz was saying to him over the noise, didn’t need to hear him to know his words were spoken with a softness that he didn’t deserve.

He always did so, always treated him right and always knew what to say, be it kind and caring or something more firm and steadying. And what did Crow bring him, his own problems?

‘Exactly. You’re a burden. All you ever will be.’

For seemingly the first time, Crow’s chest heaved with a heavy breath and he stepped forward dazedly.

He just about registered Gaz’s words, looking at him with that look in his eyes. Distant but all too painfully aware.

“Wha- No. No you-…” He swallowed thickly, heavy guilt starting to weigh down his shoulders. ‘Worrying him now you are. Can’t do anything right. Keep quiet already.’

As much as he beat himself up for it, he kept quiet, not wanting to say the wrong thing and make everything worse as he stepped past Gaz as apathetically as he could to turn the volume of his bass amp back up.

gaz didn’t know if he was angry, sad, or guilty. maybe all three. maybe something worse. whatever it was, it sure as hell didn’t ease the tight, aching feeling in his chest.

he’d been worried sick. every damn second of every damn day that crow had been avoiding him, he’d felt it. the gnawing anxiety in his gut, the creeping doubt in his head, the restless nights where sleep never seemed to come. he’d spent the past week chasing after answers, bothering crow’s friends, checking every place he thought he might be, but no one had anything concrete. just vague mentions of him throwing himself into work, then avoiding it like the plague. exhausting himself at the gym, then rotting in bed for hours on end. probably avoiding him.

and fuck, that was the part that hurt the most.

was it something he did? something he said? had he pushed too hard? not enough? was this it? was he the reason crow had pulled away? had he—

gaz clenched his jaw, forcing himself to push the thought down before it could fully form. he wasn’t going to spiral. not now. not when he was finally standing in front of crow, finally getting a chance to do something about it.

but then crow stepped past him. didn’t even meet his eyes. didn’t say a single word. just moved like gaz wasn’t even there, like he was a fucking ghost, like none of this mattered.

like they didn’t matter.

gaz felt something snap.

“toby, what the hell?”

before he even realized what he was doing, his hand shot out, slapping crow’s away before he could turn the amp back up. the contact wasn’t hard—wasn’t even meant to hurt—but it was enough. enough to force him to stop. enough to make crow finally look at him, really look at him.

he turned the volume back down with a sharp twist of his wrist, his fingers trembling from the effort of keeping himself together, of not letting every single emotion inside of him spill out at once.

his voice was tight when he spoke, the words coming out sharper than he intended, but he couldn’t stop them.

“what’s fuck’s going on?”

Crow drew his hand back sharply, like he’d been burned. Because it honestly felt like he had. Hurt enough to snap the dazed look in his eye away and his gaze turned so sharp as he faced Gaz it could burn right back, not unlike a deer caught in headlights.

Gaz had never hit him before. Not on purpose. Had he fucked up that bad? Finally proved himself to be a bad person enough for Gaz to realise he wasn’t worth his time? Was that why he was here now? To finally drop the dead weight that he was?

Crow drew in another breath, this one sharp in a way that hurt going down his windpipe, trying his best to steel himself in front of his boyfriend. ‘Is he your boyfriend? You said it yourself. You’re dead weight. After this you’ll be alone, like you should be’.

Everything turned too heavy then. The guilt on his shoulders, his rib cage squeezing his lungs and heart until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and nothing in that situation was helping.

He yanked his bass off of him and tossed it onto his bed in what looked to be anger, when really, he was so scared, panicked, begging his body to take in air as he faced Gaz once more.

He felt like a wild animal caught in a trap, panicked scared panicked, but he had to get it done with, chew his leg off already. No more point dreading his fate when he was staring it dead in the eye.

“It’s nothing! Kyle!! Okay?! I- fuck. Fuck-!”

He held his hand tight to his chest, the nails digging into it more painful than any slap.

‘Get it over with. Only hurting him more by stalling. Distance yourself’.

His eyes glazed over wickedly where they glared into Gaz’s, cruel tint in them disguising his pain. “Just- Fuck off already!! I can’t- I can’t do this! I can’t-… I need distance for fuck sake-!”

crow flinched, his whole body going rigid at gaz’s outburst, but his eyes burned just as fiercely, sharp and defensive. like a cornered animal, like something about to bolt.

gaz didn’t care.

not when his own heart was pounding, not when his hands curled into fists at his sides, not when his throat burned with the sheer force of keeping everything inside.

not when the words crow had just thrown at him still rang in his ears, fuck off already, like gaz was nothing, like he was some stranger, like—

no.

no, he wasn’t going to let this happen.

unless crow outright said they were done, unless he looked him in the eyes and told him that he didn’t love him anymore, gaz wasn’t fucking leaving.

his voice shook when he spoke, raw and unsteady, but the determination in it was solid, unwavering.

“no! i’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck’s going on, toby!”

his chest heaved as he sucked in a sharp breath, eyes boring into crow’s, desperate, pleading, angry—everything all at once.

“because i don’t fucking get it,” he continued, voice quieter now but no less intense. “i don’t get why you’re avoiding me. i don’t get why you won’t talk to me. i don’t get why you’re acting like i don’t fucking matter to you.”

his jaw clenched, his entire body tense.

“so unless you’re gonna stand there and tell me we’re done, that you don’t love me anymore—” his voice cracked on the last word, but he pushed through it, shaking his head. “—then you don’t get to tell me to fuck off.”

he took a step forward, his fingers twitching at his sides, itching to reach out, to grab crow’s hand, to hold him, something, but he held back.

because right now, this wasn’t just about him.

this was about crow. about whatever storm was raging inside of him.

and gaz was going to stand here, stay here, until he understood it.

The seconds dragged on agonisingly as Crow spent them staring at Gaz again, a frustrated sob eventually breaking the silence, the sound coming from deep within his throat as he grew more irritated with himself.

Gaz was right. He didn’t get it. That’s how tricked Crow had got him, fooled him past his sweet and caring facade and revealed himself to be as terrible as he was.

That’s why he needed to put distance between them, mercy Gaz and let him put the pieces together without Crow getting in the fucking way for once, avoid hurting the man he loved so much by staying so far away.

“…You matter to me. So much.” His voice shook, wavered with the pain and uncertainty around the idea of even saying something so soft to Gaz when he was being so cruel.

He had no time to think about that though, his resolve steadily failing and he pulled back all too suddenly holding another sob down. If Gaz wouldn’t ‘fuck off’, then Crow would be the one to do it.

His feet were quick yet heavy as they carried him across his room, his hands shaky yet determined as they sorted through one of his bedside drawers, before he got up and left his room entirely with what he was looking for in hand.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the despair in Gaz’s eyes as he left, so he avoided looking at him entirely. Instead, his hand tightened around the box of cigarettes he’d held.

It had been years since he’d touched the vile things. Years since he’d fucked up enough to decide he needed one.

Images of how Gaz had looked at him flashed through his mind as he fled his own room, anger, pain, sorrow, and he knew this was one of those times he’d fucked up.

gaz stood there, frozen in place, watching crow unravel in front of him.

the sob that tore from crow’s throat sent a sharp, splintering crack through gaz’s chest. it was raw, unfiltered, filled with something so agonizingly real that it made his breath hitch.

but then—then crow was talking, and the words that left his lips hit gaz harder than any shove or slap ever could.

"you matter to me. so much."

his heart clenched. for a second, hope flared in his chest, flickering, weak but there. crow still cared, still—

but then he was moving, too fast, too frantic, pulling away again, slipping through gaz’s fingers like sand. gaz barely had time to process it before crow was across the room, rifling through his drawer with shaking hands.

gaz didn’t move. couldn’t. not when crow’s expression—frustrated, distant, pained—had carved itself into his mind like a fresh wound.

and then—then he saw it.

the cigarettes.

gaz’s stomach dropped.

for a second, he didn’t even react. just stood there, staring, as realization clawed its way into his chest.

years. he knows it’s been years since crow touched those fucking things. years since he needed them. since he wanted them.

but now—now he did. and gaz had to watch as he took them and walked right out of the room, didn’t even look at him, didn’t even hesitate.

gaz felt something ugly twist in his gut. it felt like a slap to the face. like all the progress they’d made—all the nights gaz spent holding him close, making sure he knew he wasn’t alone, making sure he never felt like he had to go back to that—had been for nothing.

"toby."

his own voice sounded far away.

"crow—"

he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

his hands clenched into fists. his chest ached with something unbearably heavy. and then, finally, his body caught up to his mind, and he bolted after him.

Crow didn’t turn around, couldn’t, the sound of Gaz’s voice too quiet to hear over the feeling of dread that was steadily building up.

The box of cigarettes in his hands was crushed even further the more Crow thought about them, the heavy taste of them in the back of his throat, their smell. It was absolutely dread that he was feeling, a gross fear of the memories they brought up - too young and too used to that smell.

He figured the things were perfect in that moment then. No better distraction than the one that made him feel like his parents, reminded him how alike he was to them when the smoke engulfed him. ‘Cruel, disgusting, selfish person’.

…He wasn’t sure what compelled him to look back - guilt, it was guilt and everything regretful - but a simple glance over his shoulder and he saw none other than Gaz himself chasing him down.

Crow’s steps faltered so badly out of surprise that he stopped completely, staring at Gaz as he got closer. Had he fooled him so badly? Tricked him so much that the man went as far as running through base to get to him?

He debated running off as well once he’d collected himself enough to get over the shock that wasn’t actually shock, it was incredibly in character for Gaz to chase Crow down after the latter had demanded self-destructive distance, and his decision was made quick when his feet began to step away again.

gaz didn’t give a damn about the looks they were getting.

he barely registered them at all, too focused on closing the distance between him and crow, on the way his boyfriend—was he still his boyfriend?—kept trying to put space between them, like he was something to be avoided, discarded.

crow was already outside by the time gaz reached him, the cold air biting against his skin, but he didn’t stop, not until his fingers curled around crow’s wrist and pulled.

crow barely had time to react before he was spun around, stumbling slightly as he found himself caught in gaz’s grip. it wasn’t painful, but it was firm, grounding, refusing to let him slip away again.

gaz’s free hand shot out, snatching the crumpled box of cigarettes before crow could react. he shoved them into his pocket, not willing to give crow the chance to fight for them back.

then, finally, he looked up—really looked at him.

his chest clenched at what he saw.

crow’s eyes were distant, unfocused, like he wasn’t really there, like he was staring at something only he could see.

gaz hated that look. hated it more than anything.

his fingers tightened just slightly around crow’s wrist, grounding himself as much as he was trying to ground him.

“…i’m sorry.”

his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, but it felt like it carried all the weight in the world.

gaz didn’t know what he was apologizing for, not really. he didn’t understand what had gone wrong, why crow was acting like this, why he was running like gaz was some kind of threat—

but if crow was pushing him away, if he was spiraling this badly, he must’ve fucked up somehow.

“…if you want space that badly, i can give you that.” his voice wavered, the idea of letting go making something inside him ache. “but… god, please, i just want some sort of explanation. or at least the reassurance that i haven’t majorly fucked things up between us.”

Another sob, angry and raw, was ripped from Crow’s throat when Gaz caught up to him almost effortlessly, his grip tight and unwilling to let him go, as much as he tried.

It was grounding, the sudden proximity and touch, Crow would give him that. But it didn’t stop him from trying to pull and push away, stubbornly trying to get away and protect the one man he cared so much about from him. But even the struggle was grounding, helped Crow gather the chaos in his mind until he could look Gaz in the eye.

Absent and distant eyes met ones of sadness and pain and Crow found himself sobering up just a little from the trance he’d convinced himself so far into.

Gaz was… sorry. He was sorry, which was far from what he should be at that moment. Anger, yes, resignation, maybe. But nothing apologetic.

But… Crow supposed he expected this. Gaz was one of the most caring people in his life, stupidly determined in the right way that wasn’t as stubborn as his good for nothing boyfriend.

Of course he felt sorry. He felt sorry for Crow’s actions when Crow wanted anything but sorrow, didn’t deserve anything more than disgust and anger.

“…Why are you sorry?” his voice was just as quiet, if not quieter, than Gaz’s as he spoke in a hushed voice. Looking at Crow now, he looked more… attentive, expression filled with subtle emotion from the crease of his eyelids to the pull of his lips rather than being dead, empty. “Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about… I should be sorry. Fuck- I should be sorry, not you. Please.”

His hands started up their struggle once again, gentle tremors where he resisted the urge to reach out and grab Gaz, hold him close, run his fingers over each and every one of his features that he loved so much.

All he could do was hurt people, wasn’t it? ‘Unable to decide if you want space or warmth. Greedy, greedy, selfish. You know how to protect him, and everyone else you love, but you can’t? Selfish, disgusting,’ his mind sang and Crow shook his head harshly to clear it.

He couldn’t let those thoughts take him now. Not when Gaz was in front of him, looking so pained and begging for answers. He wouldn’t go distant now. Not if he could help it.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry! You haven’t done anything, of course you haven’t, it’s me… Kyle it’s me. I’m the one fucking up and I’m so sorry-!”

gaz didn’t think—he just moved.

the second that raw, broken sob tore its way out of crow’s throat, gaz was pulling him in, wrapping his arms around him tight—not tight enough to trap him, but enough to make sure crow felt it, felt that gaz was there, that he wasn’t going anywhere.

he didn’t care if crow pushed him away again, didn’t care if he struggled.

crow could fight all he wanted. gaz wasn’t letting him go.

not when he was trembling like this, barely holding himself together, not when his voice cracked with guilt—guilt he shouldn’t even be feeling.

gaz didn’t say anything at first. he just held crow against him, letting the other man shake in his arms, his hand moving to rub slow, grounding circles into his back.

crow needed to be somewhere safe, somewhere quiet, somewhere that wasn’t in the middle of base where he was suffocating under his own thoughts.

so gaz moved, keeping his hold firm as he led crow away.

he guided him into one of the empty supply rooms nearby, somewhere no one would walk in on them, somewhere the walls weren’t thin enough for people to overhear.

only when the door shut behind them did gaz finally let himself breathe. only then did he let himself speak.

“…i don’t know what’s going on inside your head, toby.” his voice was low, careful, like he was afraid crow might bolt if he said the wrong thing. gaz pulled back slightly—not far, just enough to actually look at him.

crow’s shoulders were tense, his hands trembling slightly where they hovered, unsure whether to push gaz away or pull him closer.

gaz ached at the sight.

“i don’t know what kind of horrors you’re carrying. i don’t know half the shit your mind is telling you right now.” his hands moved from crow’s back to cradle the sides of his face, forcing crow to look at him “but if there’s one thing i do know… it’s that you’re not alone.”

his thumbs brushed lightly over crow’s cheekbones, grounding both of them. “even if you think you should be. even if you try to make yourself believe that.” his grip softened, but he didn’t let go.

“i’m here. and i want to be here.”

a breath.

“…will you tell me what’s going on?”

Crow couldn’t find it in him to be surprised. Not when Gaz pulled him in close, not when Gaz dragged the two of them somewhere more private - the familiar supply closet sparking many certain memories that Crow couldn’t find it in him to be amused at either -, not when Gaz asked, practically begged, him to tell him what was going on.

That was just Gaz’s nature. Endlessly caring, excruciatingly compassionate about those he truly cared about. There was no use arguing about it, as much as Crow wanted to.

His tongue itched with self-deprecating words wishing to be spoken out loud, wishing to insist that he didn’t deserve this. With everything he had done, everything he is doing and everything he’s sure he’ll do, none of it could be worthy of such softness.

He wasn’t worthy of the way Gaz’s eyes looked into Crow’s and his hands held his face, keeping him grounded with a look of concern, softness, fear, warmth, worry… love, even.

Somehow after all of this, after that everything, Gaz still loved Crow. And Crow loved him too, of course he did, couldn’t not, not with how much he mattered to him. He mattered so much Crow had been willing to distance himself from him, his love, to keep him protected. Like his efforts resulted in anything.

His breath shook as he let out a heavy sigh, mind screaming at him to flee, say nothing.

The words ‘I’m here. And I want to be here’ rung out louder than any hurtful thought or fucking bass riff though. Endlessly caring…

His mouth was open before he realised, words spilling out in a way that would be pathetic if Crow wasn’t far more focused on keeping himself from running, again, focused on the way Gaz looked at him. “…I should be alone.” Another breath, even shakier than the last. “I- I’m not like you, Kyle. I’m mean and… stubborn.” Again, another breath, and again, something he would find funny if he didn’t feel like shit.

“You’re so good. You do everything to help and a- all I do is take… and you’d be better off without me. Y’know that, yeah? Know I’m not good for you, yeah?” As he rambled his hands had finally seemed to stop their unsure shaking as they started to grab at the front of Gaz’s shirt, begging for something even more grounding. “I- I thought distance would make you realise that and I’d- I dunno. I’d get to pout about it.”

His lips pried into an uneasy smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, before very quickly his shaky breathing devolved into actual sobs, eyes fogged over with tears rather than that distant look. “But- fuck-! You couldn’t have that, no? Have to be more stubborn than me? M’sorry, Kyle, I am. I don’t deserve you…”

((IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY 💔💔))

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.

it hurt.

gaz saw the way toby stepped back—the way his body stiffened, the way that small, almost instinctive smile he’d started to give him faltered and faded into nothing. like gaz’s presence wasn’t welcome here. like gaz himself wasn’t welcome.

it didn’t help the thoughts that had been clawing at his brain for the past week, screaming at him that something was wrong. that toby didn’t love him anymore. that maybe—maybe—he’d finally woken up one day and realized gaz wasn’t worth it.

his stomach churned. his chest ached. but he forced those thoughts away, locked them up, buried them deep.

because this wasn’t about him.

so he took a slow, steadying breath, grounding himself.

“the recruits… they were begging me to get you to quiet down.” his voice was gentle, even though his heart felt anything but. he tried for a chuckle, something light to ease the tension, but it came out thin, humorless.

“pretty sure they were two minutes away from launching a mutiny.”

toby didn’t laugh. didn’t even acknowledge the attempt. he just stood there, completely still, fingers curled around the neck of his bass, the weight of it pressing into his torso like an anchor.

silent. unreadable. like he was somewhere else entirely.

gaz felt something crack inside him.

enough.

his fingers twitched at his sides. his throat was dry.

“have i…” he hesitated, the words catching in his mouth for just a second. but fuck it. he needed to know.

“have i done something wrong?”

his voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but the weight of it was heavy. the space between them felt massive.

Crow wasn’t sure how he felt about Gaz being there.

He liked his company, of course he did. He just… didn’t want it. Couldn’t want it. Not now, and probably not ever.

‘So replaceable, you know? He’d be better off without you. Better off with someone who was as good of a person as him.’

The thoughts were getting too loud again, too hurtful, and Crow could barely hear what Gaz was saying to him over the noise, didn’t need to hear him to know his words were spoken with a softness that he didn’t deserve.

He always did so, always treated him right and always knew what to say, be it kind and caring or something more firm and steadying. And what did Crow bring him, his own problems?

‘Exactly. You’re a burden. All you ever will be.’

For seemingly the first time, Crow’s chest heaved with a heavy breath and he stepped forward dazedly.

He just about registered Gaz’s words, looking at him with that look in his eyes. Distant but all too painfully aware.

“Wha- No. No you-…” He swallowed thickly, heavy guilt starting to weigh down his shoulders. ‘Worrying him now you are. Can’t do anything right. Keep quiet already.’

As much as he beat himself up for it, he kept quiet, not wanting to say the wrong thing and make everything worse as he stepped past Gaz as apathetically as he could to turn the volume of his bass amp back up.

gaz didn’t know if he was angry, sad, or guilty. maybe all three. maybe something worse. whatever it was, it sure as hell didn’t ease the tight, aching feeling in his chest.

he’d been worried sick. every damn second of every damn day that crow had been avoiding him, he’d felt it. the gnawing anxiety in his gut, the creeping doubt in his head, the restless nights where sleep never seemed to come. he’d spent the past week chasing after answers, bothering crow’s friends, checking every place he thought he might be, but no one had anything concrete. just vague mentions of him throwing himself into work, then avoiding it like the plague. exhausting himself at the gym, then rotting in bed for hours on end. probably avoiding him.

and fuck, that was the part that hurt the most.

was it something he did? something he said? had he pushed too hard? not enough? was this it? was he the reason crow had pulled away? had he—

gaz clenched his jaw, forcing himself to push the thought down before it could fully form. he wasn’t going to spiral. not now. not when he was finally standing in front of crow, finally getting a chance to do something about it.

but then crow stepped past him. didn’t even meet his eyes. didn’t say a single word. just moved like gaz wasn’t even there, like he was a fucking ghost, like none of this mattered.

like they didn’t matter.

gaz felt something snap.

“toby, what the hell?”

before he even realized what he was doing, his hand shot out, slapping crow’s away before he could turn the amp back up. the contact wasn’t hard—wasn’t even meant to hurt—but it was enough. enough to force him to stop. enough to make crow finally look at him, really look at him.

he turned the volume back down with a sharp twist of his wrist, his fingers trembling from the effort of keeping himself together, of not letting every single emotion inside of him spill out at once.

his voice was tight when he spoke, the words coming out sharper than he intended, but he couldn’t stop them.

“what’s fuck’s going on?”

Crow drew his hand back sharply, like he’d been burned. Because it honestly felt like he had. Hurt enough to snap the dazed look in his eye away and his gaze turned so sharp as he faced Gaz it could burn right back, not unlike a deer caught in headlights.

Gaz had never hit him before. Not on purpose. Had he fucked up that bad? Finally proved himself to be a bad person enough for Gaz to realise he wasn’t worth his time? Was that why he was here now? To finally drop the dead weight that he was?

Crow drew in another breath, this one sharp in a way that hurt going down his windpipe, trying his best to steel himself in front of his boyfriend. ‘Is he your boyfriend? You said it yourself. You’re dead weight. After this you’ll be alone, like you should be’.

Everything turned too heavy then. The guilt on his shoulders, his rib cage squeezing his lungs and heart until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and nothing in that situation was helping.

He yanked his bass off of him and tossed it onto his bed in what looked to be anger, when really, he was so scared, panicked, begging his body to take in air as he faced Gaz once more.

He felt like a wild animal caught in a trap, panicked scared panicked, but he had to get it done with, chew his leg off already. No more point dreading his fate when he was staring it dead in the eye.

“It’s nothing! Kyle!! Okay?! I- fuck. Fuck-!”

He held his hand tight to his chest, the nails digging into it more painful than any slap.

‘Get it over with. Only hurting him more by stalling. Distance yourself’.

His eyes glazed over wickedly where they glared into Gaz’s, cruel tint in them disguising his pain. “Just- Fuck off already!! I can’t- I can’t do this! I can’t-… I need distance for fuck sake-!”

crow flinched, his whole body going rigid at gaz’s outburst, but his eyes burned just as fiercely, sharp and defensive. like a cornered animal, like something about to bolt.

gaz didn’t care.

not when his own heart was pounding, not when his hands curled into fists at his sides, not when his throat burned with the sheer force of keeping everything inside.

not when the words crow had just thrown at him still rang in his ears, fuck off already, like gaz was nothing, like he was some stranger, like—

no.

no, he wasn’t going to let this happen.

unless crow outright said they were done, unless he looked him in the eyes and told him that he didn’t love him anymore, gaz wasn’t fucking leaving.

his voice shook when he spoke, raw and unsteady, but the determination in it was solid, unwavering.

“no! i’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck’s going on, toby!”

his chest heaved as he sucked in a sharp breath, eyes boring into crow’s, desperate, pleading, angry—everything all at once.

“because i don’t fucking get it,” he continued, voice quieter now but no less intense. “i don’t get why you’re avoiding me. i don’t get why you won’t talk to me. i don’t get why you’re acting like i don’t fucking matter to you.”

his jaw clenched, his entire body tense.

“so unless you’re gonna stand there and tell me we’re done, that you don’t love me anymore—” his voice cracked on the last word, but he pushed through it, shaking his head. “—then you don’t get to tell me to fuck off.”

he took a step forward, his fingers twitching at his sides, itching to reach out, to grab crow’s hand, to hold him, something, but he held back.

because right now, this wasn’t just about him.

this was about crow. about whatever storm was raging inside of him.

and gaz was going to stand here, stay here, until he understood it.

The seconds dragged on agonisingly as Crow spent them staring at Gaz again, a frustrated sob eventually breaking the silence, the sound coming from deep within his throat as he grew more irritated with himself.

Gaz was right. He didn’t get it. That’s how tricked Crow had got him, fooled him past his sweet and caring facade and revealed himself to be as terrible as he was.

That’s why he needed to put distance between them, mercy Gaz and let him put the pieces together without Crow getting in the fucking way for once, avoid hurting the man he loved so much by staying so far away.

“…You matter to me. So much.” His voice shook, wavered with the pain and uncertainty around the idea of even saying something so soft to Gaz when he was being so cruel.

He had no time to think about that though, his resolve steadily failing and he pulled back all too suddenly holding another sob down. If Gaz wouldn’t ‘fuck off’, then Crow would be the one to do it.

His feet were quick yet heavy as they carried him across his room, his hands shaky yet determined as they sorted through one of his bedside drawers, before he got up and left his room entirely with what he was looking for in hand.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the despair in Gaz’s eyes as he left, so he avoided looking at him entirely. Instead, his hand tightened around the box of cigarettes he’d held.

It had been years since he’d touched the vile things. Years since he’d fucked up enough to decide he needed one.

Images of how Gaz had looked at him flashed through his mind as he fled his own room, anger, pain, sorrow, and he knew this was one of those times he’d fucked up.

gaz stood there, frozen in place, watching crow unravel in front of him.

the sob that tore from crow’s throat sent a sharp, splintering crack through gaz’s chest. it was raw, unfiltered, filled with something so agonizingly real that it made his breath hitch.

but then—then crow was talking, and the words that left his lips hit gaz harder than any shove or slap ever could.

"you matter to me. so much."

his heart clenched. for a second, hope flared in his chest, flickering, weak but there. crow still cared, still—

but then he was moving, too fast, too frantic, pulling away again, slipping through gaz’s fingers like sand. gaz barely had time to process it before crow was across the room, rifling through his drawer with shaking hands.

gaz didn’t move. couldn’t. not when crow’s expression—frustrated, distant, pained—had carved itself into his mind like a fresh wound.

and then—then he saw it.

the cigarettes.

gaz’s stomach dropped.

for a second, he didn’t even react. just stood there, staring, as realization clawed its way into his chest.

years. he knows it’s been years since crow touched those fucking things. years since he needed them. since he wanted them.

but now—now he did. and gaz had to watch as he took them and walked right out of the room, didn’t even look at him, didn’t even hesitate.

gaz felt something ugly twist in his gut. it felt like a slap to the face. like all the progress they’d made—all the nights gaz spent holding him close, making sure he knew he wasn’t alone, making sure he never felt like he had to go back to that—had been for nothing.

"toby."

his own voice sounded far away.

"crow—"

he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

his hands clenched into fists. his chest ached with something unbearably heavy. and then, finally, his body caught up to his mind, and he bolted after him.

Crow didn’t turn around, couldn’t, the sound of Gaz’s voice too quiet to hear over the feeling of dread that was steadily building up.

The box of cigarettes in his hands was crushed even further the more Crow thought about them, the heavy taste of them in the back of his throat, their smell. It was absolutely dread that he was feeling, a gross fear of the memories they brought up - too young and too used to that smell.

He figured the things were perfect in that moment then. No better distraction than the one that made him feel like his parents, reminded him how alike he was to them when the smoke engulfed him. ‘Cruel, disgusting, selfish person’.

…He wasn’t sure what compelled him to look back - guilt, it was guilt and everything regretful - but a simple glance over his shoulder and he saw none other than Gaz himself chasing him down.

Crow’s steps faltered so badly out of surprise that he stopped completely, staring at Gaz as he got closer. Had he fooled him so badly? Tricked him so much that the man went as far as running through base to get to him?

He debated running off as well once he’d collected himself enough to get over the shock that wasn’t actually shock, it was incredibly in character for Gaz to chase Crow down after the latter had demanded self-destructive distance, and his decision was made quick when his feet began to step away again.

gaz didn’t give a damn about the looks they were getting.

he barely registered them at all, too focused on closing the distance between him and crow, on the way his boyfriend—was he still his boyfriend?—kept trying to put space between them, like he was something to be avoided, discarded.

crow was already outside by the time gaz reached him, the cold air biting against his skin, but he didn’t stop, not until his fingers curled around crow’s wrist and pulled.

crow barely had time to react before he was spun around, stumbling slightly as he found himself caught in gaz’s grip. it wasn’t painful, but it was firm, grounding, refusing to let him slip away again.

gaz’s free hand shot out, snatching the crumpled box of cigarettes before crow could react. he shoved them into his pocket, not willing to give crow the chance to fight for them back.

then, finally, he looked up—really looked at him.

his chest clenched at what he saw.

crow’s eyes were distant, unfocused, like he wasn’t really there, like he was staring at something only he could see.

gaz hated that look. hated it more than anything.

his fingers tightened just slightly around crow’s wrist, grounding himself as much as he was trying to ground him.

“…i’m sorry.”

his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, but it felt like it carried all the weight in the world.

gaz didn’t know what he was apologizing for, not really. he didn’t understand what had gone wrong, why crow was acting like this, why he was running like gaz was some kind of threat—

but if crow was pushing him away, if he was spiraling this badly, he must’ve fucked up somehow.

“…if you want space that badly, i can give you that.” his voice wavered, the idea of letting go making something inside him ache. “but… god, please, i just want some sort of explanation. or at least the reassurance that i haven’t majorly fucked things up between us.”

Another sob, angry and raw, was ripped from Crow’s throat when Gaz caught up to him almost effortlessly, his grip tight and unwilling to let him go, as much as he tried.

It was grounding, the sudden proximity and touch, Crow would give him that. But it didn’t stop him from trying to pull and push away, stubbornly trying to get away and protect the one man he cared so much about from him. But even the struggle was grounding, helped Crow gather the chaos in his mind until he could look Gaz in the eye.

Absent and distant eyes met ones of sadness and pain and Crow found himself sobering up just a little from the trance he’d convinced himself so far into.

Gaz was… sorry. He was sorry, which was far from what he should be at that moment. Anger, yes, resignation, maybe. But nothing apologetic.

But… Crow supposed he expected this. Gaz was one of the most caring people in his life, stupidly determined in the right way that wasn’t as stubborn as his good for nothing boyfriend.

Of course he felt sorry. He felt sorry for Crow’s actions when Crow wanted anything but sorrow, didn’t deserve anything more than disgust and anger.

“…Why are you sorry?” his voice was just as quiet, if not quieter, than Gaz’s as he spoke in a hushed voice. Looking at Crow now, he looked more… attentive, expression filled with subtle emotion from the crease of his eyelids to the pull of his lips rather than being dead, empty. “Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about… I should be sorry. Fuck- I should be sorry, not you. Please.”

His hands started up their struggle once again, gentle tremors where he resisted the urge to reach out and grab Gaz, hold him close, run his fingers over each and every one of his features that he loved so much.

All he could do was hurt people, wasn’t it? ‘Unable to decide if you want space or warmth. Greedy, greedy, selfish. You know how to protect him, and everyone else you love, but you can’t? Selfish, disgusting,’ his mind sang and Crow shook his head harshly to clear it.

He couldn’t let those thoughts take him now. Not when Gaz was in front of him, looking so pained and begging for answers. He wouldn’t go distant now. Not if he could help it.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry! You haven’t done anything, of course you haven’t, it’s me… Kyle it’s me. I’m the one fucking up and I’m so sorry-!”

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.

it hurt.

gaz saw the way toby stepped back—the way his body stiffened, the way that small, almost instinctive smile he’d started to give him faltered and faded into nothing. like gaz’s presence wasn’t welcome here. like gaz himself wasn’t welcome.

it didn’t help the thoughts that had been clawing at his brain for the past week, screaming at him that something was wrong. that toby didn’t love him anymore. that maybe—maybe—he’d finally woken up one day and realized gaz wasn’t worth it.

his stomach churned. his chest ached. but he forced those thoughts away, locked them up, buried them deep.

because this wasn’t about him.

so he took a slow, steadying breath, grounding himself.

“the recruits… they were begging me to get you to quiet down.” his voice was gentle, even though his heart felt anything but. he tried for a chuckle, something light to ease the tension, but it came out thin, humorless.

“pretty sure they were two minutes away from launching a mutiny.”

toby didn’t laugh. didn’t even acknowledge the attempt. he just stood there, completely still, fingers curled around the neck of his bass, the weight of it pressing into his torso like an anchor.

silent. unreadable. like he was somewhere else entirely.

gaz felt something crack inside him.

enough.

his fingers twitched at his sides. his throat was dry.

“have i…” he hesitated, the words catching in his mouth for just a second. but fuck it. he needed to know.

“have i done something wrong?”

his voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but the weight of it was heavy. the space between them felt massive.

Crow wasn’t sure how he felt about Gaz being there.

He liked his company, of course he did. He just… didn’t want it. Couldn’t want it. Not now, and probably not ever.

‘So replaceable, you know? He’d be better off without you. Better off with someone who was as good of a person as him.’

The thoughts were getting too loud again, too hurtful, and Crow could barely hear what Gaz was saying to him over the noise, didn’t need to hear him to know his words were spoken with a softness that he didn’t deserve.

He always did so, always treated him right and always knew what to say, be it kind and caring or something more firm and steadying. And what did Crow bring him, his own problems?

‘Exactly. You’re a burden. All you ever will be.’

For seemingly the first time, Crow’s chest heaved with a heavy breath and he stepped forward dazedly.

He just about registered Gaz’s words, looking at him with that look in his eyes. Distant but all too painfully aware.

“Wha- No. No you-…” He swallowed thickly, heavy guilt starting to weigh down his shoulders. ‘Worrying him now you are. Can’t do anything right. Keep quiet already.’

As much as he beat himself up for it, he kept quiet, not wanting to say the wrong thing and make everything worse as he stepped past Gaz as apathetically as he could to turn the volume of his bass amp back up.

gaz didn’t know if he was angry, sad, or guilty. maybe all three. maybe something worse. whatever it was, it sure as hell didn’t ease the tight, aching feeling in his chest.

he’d been worried sick. every damn second of every damn day that crow had been avoiding him, he’d felt it. the gnawing anxiety in his gut, the creeping doubt in his head, the restless nights where sleep never seemed to come. he’d spent the past week chasing after answers, bothering crow’s friends, checking every place he thought he might be, but no one had anything concrete. just vague mentions of him throwing himself into work, then avoiding it like the plague. exhausting himself at the gym, then rotting in bed for hours on end. probably avoiding him.

and fuck, that was the part that hurt the most.

was it something he did? something he said? had he pushed too hard? not enough? was this it? was he the reason crow had pulled away? had he—

gaz clenched his jaw, forcing himself to push the thought down before it could fully form. he wasn’t going to spiral. not now. not when he was finally standing in front of crow, finally getting a chance to do something about it.

but then crow stepped past him. didn’t even meet his eyes. didn’t say a single word. just moved like gaz wasn’t even there, like he was a fucking ghost, like none of this mattered.

like they didn’t matter.

gaz felt something snap.

“toby, what the hell?”

before he even realized what he was doing, his hand shot out, slapping crow’s away before he could turn the amp back up. the contact wasn’t hard—wasn’t even meant to hurt—but it was enough. enough to force him to stop. enough to make crow finally look at him, really look at him.

he turned the volume back down with a sharp twist of his wrist, his fingers trembling from the effort of keeping himself together, of not letting every single emotion inside of him spill out at once.

his voice was tight when he spoke, the words coming out sharper than he intended, but he couldn’t stop them.

“what’s fuck’s going on?”

Crow drew his hand back sharply, like he’d been burned. Because it honestly felt like he had. Hurt enough to snap the dazed look in his eye away and his gaze turned so sharp as he faced Gaz it could burn right back, not unlike a deer caught in headlights.

Gaz had never hit him before. Not on purpose. Had he fucked up that bad? Finally proved himself to be a bad person enough for Gaz to realise he wasn’t worth his time? Was that why he was here now? To finally drop the dead weight that he was?

Crow drew in another breath, this one sharp in a way that hurt going down his windpipe, trying his best to steel himself in front of his boyfriend. ‘Is he your boyfriend? You said it yourself. You’re dead weight. After this you’ll be alone, like you should be’.

Everything turned too heavy then. The guilt on his shoulders, his rib cage squeezing his lungs and heart until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and nothing in that situation was helping.

He yanked his bass off of him and tossed it onto his bed in what looked to be anger, when really, he was so scared, panicked, begging his body to take in air as he faced Gaz once more.

He felt like a wild animal caught in a trap, panicked scared panicked, but he had to get it done with, chew his leg off already. No more point dreading his fate when he was staring it dead in the eye.

“It’s nothing! Kyle!! Okay?! I- fuck. Fuck-!”

He held his hand tight to his chest, the nails digging into it more painful than any slap.

‘Get it over with. Only hurting him more by stalling. Distance yourself’.

His eyes glazed over wickedly where they glared into Gaz’s, cruel tint in them disguising his pain. “Just- Fuck off already!! I can’t- I can’t do this! I can’t-… I need distance for fuck sake-!”

crow flinched, his whole body going rigid at gaz’s outburst, but his eyes burned just as fiercely, sharp and defensive. like a cornered animal, like something about to bolt.

gaz didn’t care.

not when his own heart was pounding, not when his hands curled into fists at his sides, not when his throat burned with the sheer force of keeping everything inside.

not when the words crow had just thrown at him still rang in his ears, fuck off already, like gaz was nothing, like he was some stranger, like—

no.

no, he wasn’t going to let this happen.

unless crow outright said they were done, unless he looked him in the eyes and told him that he didn’t love him anymore, gaz wasn’t fucking leaving.

his voice shook when he spoke, raw and unsteady, but the determination in it was solid, unwavering.

“no! i’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck’s going on, toby!”

his chest heaved as he sucked in a sharp breath, eyes boring into crow’s, desperate, pleading, angry—everything all at once.

“because i don’t fucking get it,” he continued, voice quieter now but no less intense. “i don’t get why you’re avoiding me. i don’t get why you won’t talk to me. i don’t get why you’re acting like i don’t fucking matter to you.”

his jaw clenched, his entire body tense.

“so unless you’re gonna stand there and tell me we’re done, that you don’t love me anymore—” his voice cracked on the last word, but he pushed through it, shaking his head. “—then you don’t get to tell me to fuck off.”

he took a step forward, his fingers twitching at his sides, itching to reach out, to grab crow’s hand, to hold him, something, but he held back.

because right now, this wasn’t just about him.

this was about crow. about whatever storm was raging inside of him.

and gaz was going to stand here, stay here, until he understood it.

The seconds dragged on agonisingly as Crow spent them staring at Gaz again, a frustrated sob eventually breaking the silence, the sound coming from deep within his throat as he grew more irritated with himself.

Gaz was right. He didn’t get it. That’s how tricked Crow had got him, fooled him past his sweet and caring facade and revealed himself to be as terrible as he was.

That’s why he needed to put distance between them, mercy Gaz and let him put the pieces together without Crow getting in the fucking way for once, avoid hurting the man he loved so much by staying so far away.

“…You matter to me. So much.” His voice shook, wavered with the pain and uncertainty around the idea of even saying something so soft to Gaz when he was being so cruel.

He had no time to think about that though, his resolve steadily failing and he pulled back all too suddenly holding another sob down. If Gaz wouldn’t ‘fuck off’, then Crow would be the one to do it.

His feet were quick yet heavy as they carried him across his room, his hands shaky yet determined as they sorted through one of his bedside drawers, before he got up and left his room entirely with what he was looking for in hand.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the despair in Gaz’s eyes as he left, so he avoided looking at him entirely. Instead, his hand tightened around the box of cigarettes he’d held.

It had been years since he’d touched the vile things. Years since he’d fucked up enough to decide he needed one.

Images of how Gaz had looked at him flashed through his mind as he fled his own room, anger, pain, sorrow, and he knew this was one of those times he’d fucked up.

gaz stood there, frozen in place, watching crow unravel in front of him.

the sob that tore from crow’s throat sent a sharp, splintering crack through gaz’s chest. it was raw, unfiltered, filled with something so agonizingly real that it made his breath hitch.

but then—then crow was talking, and the words that left his lips hit gaz harder than any shove or slap ever could.

"you matter to me. so much."

his heart clenched. for a second, hope flared in his chest, flickering, weak but there. crow still cared, still—

but then he was moving, too fast, too frantic, pulling away again, slipping through gaz’s fingers like sand. gaz barely had time to process it before crow was across the room, rifling through his drawer with shaking hands.

gaz didn’t move. couldn’t. not when crow’s expression—frustrated, distant, pained—had carved itself into his mind like a fresh wound.

and then—then he saw it.

the cigarettes.

gaz’s stomach dropped.

for a second, he didn’t even react. just stood there, staring, as realization clawed its way into his chest.

years. he knows it’s been years since crow touched those fucking things. years since he needed them. since he wanted them.

but now—now he did. and gaz had to watch as he took them and walked right out of the room, didn’t even look at him, didn’t even hesitate.

gaz felt something ugly twist in his gut. it felt like a slap to the face. like all the progress they’d made—all the nights gaz spent holding him close, making sure he knew he wasn’t alone, making sure he never felt like he had to go back to that—had been for nothing.

"toby."

his own voice sounded far away.

"crow—"

he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

his hands clenched into fists. his chest ached with something unbearably heavy. and then, finally, his body caught up to his mind, and he bolted after him.

Crow didn’t turn around, couldn’t, the sound of Gaz’s voice too quiet to hear over the feeling of dread that was steadily building up.

The box of cigarettes in his hands was crushed even further the more Crow thought about them, the heavy taste of them in the back of his throat, their smell. It was absolutely dread that he was feeling, a gross fear of the memories they brought up - too young and too used to that smell.

He figured the things were perfect in that moment then. No better distraction than the one that made him feel like his parents, reminded him how alike he was to them when the smoke engulfed him. ‘Cruel, disgusting, selfish person’.

…He wasn’t sure what compelled him to look back - guilt, it was guilt and everything regretful - but a simple glance over his shoulder and he saw none other than Gaz himself chasing him down.

Crow’s steps faltered so badly out of surprise that he stopped completely, staring at Gaz as he got closer. Had he fooled him so badly? Tricked him so much that the man went as far as running through base to get to him?

He debated running off as well once he’d collected himself enough to get over the shock that wasn’t actually shock, it was incredibly in character for Gaz to chase Crow down after the latter had demanded self-destructive distance, and his decision was made quick when his feet began to step away again.

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.

it hurt.

gaz saw the way toby stepped back—the way his body stiffened, the way that small, almost instinctive smile he’d started to give him faltered and faded into nothing. like gaz’s presence wasn’t welcome here. like gaz himself wasn’t welcome.

it didn’t help the thoughts that had been clawing at his brain for the past week, screaming at him that something was wrong. that toby didn’t love him anymore. that maybe—maybe—he’d finally woken up one day and realized gaz wasn’t worth it.

his stomach churned. his chest ached. but he forced those thoughts away, locked them up, buried them deep.

because this wasn’t about him.

so he took a slow, steadying breath, grounding himself.

“the recruits… they were begging me to get you to quiet down.” his voice was gentle, even though his heart felt anything but. he tried for a chuckle, something light to ease the tension, but it came out thin, humorless.

“pretty sure they were two minutes away from launching a mutiny.”

toby didn’t laugh. didn’t even acknowledge the attempt. he just stood there, completely still, fingers curled around the neck of his bass, the weight of it pressing into his torso like an anchor.

silent. unreadable. like he was somewhere else entirely.

gaz felt something crack inside him.

enough.

his fingers twitched at his sides. his throat was dry.

“have i…” he hesitated, the words catching in his mouth for just a second. but fuck it. he needed to know.

“have i done something wrong?”

his voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but the weight of it was heavy. the space between them felt massive.

Crow wasn’t sure how he felt about Gaz being there.

He liked his company, of course he did. He just… didn’t want it. Couldn’t want it. Not now, and probably not ever.

‘So replaceable, you know? He’d be better off without you. Better off with someone who was as good of a person as him.’

The thoughts were getting too loud again, too hurtful, and Crow could barely hear what Gaz was saying to him over the noise, didn’t need to hear him to know his words were spoken with a softness that he didn’t deserve.

He always did so, always treated him right and always knew what to say, be it kind and caring or something more firm and steadying. And what did Crow bring him, his own problems?

‘Exactly. You’re a burden. All you ever will be.’

For seemingly the first time, Crow’s chest heaved with a heavy breath and he stepped forward dazedly.

He just about registered Gaz’s words, looking at him with that look in his eyes. Distant but all too painfully aware.

“Wha- No. No you-…” He swallowed thickly, heavy guilt starting to weigh down his shoulders. ‘Worrying him now you are. Can’t do anything right. Keep quiet already.’

As much as he beat himself up for it, he kept quiet, not wanting to say the wrong thing and make everything worse as he stepped past Gaz as apathetically as he could to turn the volume of his bass amp back up.

gaz didn’t know if he was angry, sad, or guilty. maybe all three. maybe something worse. whatever it was, it sure as hell didn’t ease the tight, aching feeling in his chest.

he’d been worried sick. every damn second of every damn day that crow had been avoiding him, he’d felt it. the gnawing anxiety in his gut, the creeping doubt in his head, the restless nights where sleep never seemed to come. he’d spent the past week chasing after answers, bothering crow’s friends, checking every place he thought he might be, but no one had anything concrete. just vague mentions of him throwing himself into work, then avoiding it like the plague. exhausting himself at the gym, then rotting in bed for hours on end. probably avoiding him.

and fuck, that was the part that hurt the most.

was it something he did? something he said? had he pushed too hard? not enough? was this it? was he the reason crow had pulled away? had he—

gaz clenched his jaw, forcing himself to push the thought down before it could fully form. he wasn’t going to spiral. not now. not when he was finally standing in front of crow, finally getting a chance to do something about it.

but then crow stepped past him. didn’t even meet his eyes. didn’t say a single word. just moved like gaz wasn’t even there, like he was a fucking ghost, like none of this mattered.

like they didn’t matter.

gaz felt something snap.

“toby, what the hell?”

before he even realized what he was doing, his hand shot out, slapping crow’s away before he could turn the amp back up. the contact wasn’t hard—wasn’t even meant to hurt—but it was enough. enough to force him to stop. enough to make crow finally look at him, really look at him.

he turned the volume back down with a sharp twist of his wrist, his fingers trembling from the effort of keeping himself together, of not letting every single emotion inside of him spill out at once.

his voice was tight when he spoke, the words coming out sharper than he intended, but he couldn’t stop them.

“what’s fuck’s going on?”

Crow drew his hand back sharply, like he’d been burned. Because it honestly felt like he had. Hurt enough to snap the dazed look in his eye away and his gaze turned so sharp as he faced Gaz it could burn right back, not unlike a deer caught in headlights.

Gaz had never hit him before. Not on purpose. Had he fucked up that bad? Finally proved himself to be a bad person enough for Gaz to realise he wasn’t worth his time? Was that why he was here now? To finally drop the dead weight that he was?

Crow drew in another breath, this one sharp in a way that hurt going down his windpipe, trying his best to steel himself in front of his boyfriend. ‘Is he your boyfriend? You said it yourself. You’re dead weight. After this you’ll be alone, like you should be’.

Everything turned too heavy then. The guilt on his shoulders, his rib cage squeezing his lungs and heart until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and nothing in that situation was helping.

He yanked his bass off of him and tossed it onto his bed in what looked to be anger, when really, he was so scared, panicked, begging his body to take in air as he faced Gaz once more.

He felt like a wild animal caught in a trap, panicked scared panicked, but he had to get it done with, chew his leg off already. No more point dreading his fate when he was staring it dead in the eye.

“It’s nothing! Kyle!! Okay?! I- fuck. Fuck-!”

He held his hand tight to his chest, the nails digging into it more painful than any slap.

‘Get it over with. Only hurting him more by stalling. Distance yourself’.

His eyes glazed over wickedly where they glared into Gaz’s, cruel tint in them disguising his pain. “Just- Fuck off already!! I can’t- I can’t do this! I can’t-… I need distance for fuck sake-!”

crow flinched, his whole body going rigid at gaz’s outburst, but his eyes burned just as fiercely, sharp and defensive. like a cornered animal, like something about to bolt.

gaz didn’t care.

not when his own heart was pounding, not when his hands curled into fists at his sides, not when his throat burned with the sheer force of keeping everything inside.

not when the words crow had just thrown at him still rang in his ears, fuck off already, like gaz was nothing, like he was some stranger, like—

no.

no, he wasn’t going to let this happen.

unless crow outright said they were done, unless he looked him in the eyes and told him that he didn’t love him anymore, gaz wasn’t fucking leaving.

his voice shook when he spoke, raw and unsteady, but the determination in it was solid, unwavering.

“no! i’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck’s going on, toby!”

his chest heaved as he sucked in a sharp breath, eyes boring into crow’s, desperate, pleading, angry—everything all at once.

“because i don’t fucking get it,” he continued, voice quieter now but no less intense. “i don’t get why you’re avoiding me. i don’t get why you won’t talk to me. i don’t get why you’re acting like i don’t fucking matter to you.”

his jaw clenched, his entire body tense.

“so unless you’re gonna stand there and tell me we’re done, that you don’t love me anymore—” his voice cracked on the last word, but he pushed through it, shaking his head. “—then you don’t get to tell me to fuck off.”

he took a step forward, his fingers twitching at his sides, itching to reach out, to grab crow’s hand, to hold him, something, but he held back.

because right now, this wasn’t just about him.

this was about crow. about whatever storm was raging inside of him.

and gaz was going to stand here, stay here, until he understood it.

The seconds dragged on agonisingly as Crow spent them staring at Gaz again, a frustrated sob eventually breaking the silence, the sound coming from deep within his throat as he grew more irritated with himself.

Gaz was right. He didn’t get it. That’s how tricked Crow had got him, fooled him past his sweet and caring facade and revealed himself to be as terrible as he was.

That’s why he needed to put distance between them, mercy Gaz and let him put the pieces together without Crow getting in the fucking way for once, avoid hurting the man he loved so much by staying so far away.

“…You matter to me. So much.” His voice shook, wavered with the pain and uncertainty around the idea of even saying something so soft to Gaz when he was being so cruel.

He had no time to think about that though, his resolve steadily failing and he pulled back all too suddenly holding another sob down. If Gaz wouldn’t ‘fuck off’, then Crow would be the one to do it.

His feet were quick yet heavy as they carried him across his room, his hands shaky yet determined as they sorted through one of his bedside drawers, before he got up and left his room entirely with what he was looking for in hand.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the despair in Gaz’s eyes as he left, so he avoided looking at him entirely. Instead, his hand tightened around the box of cigarettes he’d held.

It had been years since he’d touched the vile things. Years since he’d fucked up enough to decide he needed one.

Images of how Gaz had looked at him flashed through his mind as he fled his own room, anger, pain, sorrow, and he knew this was one of those times he’d fucked up.

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.

it hurt.

gaz saw the way toby stepped back—the way his body stiffened, the way that small, almost instinctive smile he’d started to give him faltered and faded into nothing. like gaz’s presence wasn’t welcome here. like gaz himself wasn’t welcome.

it didn’t help the thoughts that had been clawing at his brain for the past week, screaming at him that something was wrong. that toby didn’t love him anymore. that maybe—maybe—he’d finally woken up one day and realized gaz wasn’t worth it.

his stomach churned. his chest ached. but he forced those thoughts away, locked them up, buried them deep.

because this wasn’t about him.

so he took a slow, steadying breath, grounding himself.

“the recruits… they were begging me to get you to quiet down.” his voice was gentle, even though his heart felt anything but. he tried for a chuckle, something light to ease the tension, but it came out thin, humorless.

“pretty sure they were two minutes away from launching a mutiny.”

toby didn’t laugh. didn’t even acknowledge the attempt. he just stood there, completely still, fingers curled around the neck of his bass, the weight of it pressing into his torso like an anchor.

silent. unreadable. like he was somewhere else entirely.

gaz felt something crack inside him.

enough.

his fingers twitched at his sides. his throat was dry.

“have i…” he hesitated, the words catching in his mouth for just a second. but fuck it. he needed to know.

“have i done something wrong?”

his voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but the weight of it was heavy. the space between them felt massive.

Crow wasn’t sure how he felt about Gaz being there.

He liked his company, of course he did. He just… didn’t want it. Couldn’t want it. Not now, and probably not ever.

‘So replaceable, you know? He’d be better off without you. Better off with someone who was as good of a person as him.’

The thoughts were getting too loud again, too hurtful, and Crow could barely hear what Gaz was saying to him over the noise, didn’t need to hear him to know his words were spoken with a softness that he didn’t deserve.

He always did so, always treated him right and always knew what to say, be it kind and caring or something more firm and steadying. And what did Crow bring him, his own problems?

‘Exactly. You’re a burden. All you ever will be.’

For seemingly the first time, Crow’s chest heaved with a heavy breath and he stepped forward dazedly.

He just about registered Gaz’s words, looking at him with that look in his eyes. Distant but all too painfully aware.

“Wha- No. No you-…” He swallowed thickly, heavy guilt starting to weigh down his shoulders. ‘Worrying him now you are. Can’t do anything right. Keep quiet already.’

As much as he beat himself up for it, he kept quiet, not wanting to say the wrong thing and make everything worse as he stepped past Gaz as apathetically as he could to turn the volume of his bass amp back up.

gaz didn’t know if he was angry, sad, or guilty. maybe all three. maybe something worse. whatever it was, it sure as hell didn’t ease the tight, aching feeling in his chest.

he’d been worried sick. every damn second of every damn day that crow had been avoiding him, he’d felt it. the gnawing anxiety in his gut, the creeping doubt in his head, the restless nights where sleep never seemed to come. he’d spent the past week chasing after answers, bothering crow’s friends, checking every place he thought he might be, but no one had anything concrete. just vague mentions of him throwing himself into work, then avoiding it like the plague. exhausting himself at the gym, then rotting in bed for hours on end. probably avoiding him.

and fuck, that was the part that hurt the most.

was it something he did? something he said? had he pushed too hard? not enough? was this it? was he the reason crow had pulled away? had he—

gaz clenched his jaw, forcing himself to push the thought down before it could fully form. he wasn’t going to spiral. not now. not when he was finally standing in front of crow, finally getting a chance to do something about it.

but then crow stepped past him. didn’t even meet his eyes. didn’t say a single word. just moved like gaz wasn’t even there, like he was a fucking ghost, like none of this mattered.

like they didn’t matter.

gaz felt something snap.

“toby, what the hell?”

before he even realized what he was doing, his hand shot out, slapping crow’s away before he could turn the amp back up. the contact wasn’t hard—wasn’t even meant to hurt—but it was enough. enough to force him to stop. enough to make crow finally look at him, really look at him.

he turned the volume back down with a sharp twist of his wrist, his fingers trembling from the effort of keeping himself together, of not letting every single emotion inside of him spill out at once.

his voice was tight when he spoke, the words coming out sharper than he intended, but he couldn’t stop them.

“what’s fuck’s going on?”

Crow drew his hand back sharply, like he’d been burned. Because it honestly felt like he had. Hurt enough to snap the dazed look in his eye away and his gaze turned so sharp as he faced Gaz it could burn right back, not unlike a deer caught in headlights.

Gaz had never hit him before. Not on purpose. Had he fucked up that bad? Finally proved himself to be a bad person enough for Gaz to realise he wasn’t worth his time? Was that why he was here now? To finally drop the dead weight that he was?

Crow drew in another breath, this one sharp in a way that hurt going down his windpipe, trying his best to steel himself in front of his boyfriend. ‘Is he your boyfriend? You said it yourself. You’re dead weight. After this you’ll be alone, like you should be’.

Everything turned too heavy then. The guilt on his shoulders, his rib cage squeezing his lungs and heart until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and nothing in that situation was helping.

He yanked his bass off of him and tossed it onto his bed in what looked to be anger, when really, he was so scared, panicked, begging his body to take in air as he faced Gaz once more.

He felt like a wild animal caught in a trap, panicked scared panicked, but he had to get it done with, chew his leg off already. No more point dreading his fate when he was staring it dead in the eye.

“It’s nothing! Kyle!! Okay?! I- fuck. Fuck-!”

He held his hand tight to his chest, the nails digging into it more painful than any slap.

‘Get it over with. Only hurting him more by stalling. Distance yourself’.

His eyes glazed over wickedly where they glared into Gaz’s, cruel tint in them disguising his pain. “Just- Fuck off already!! I can’t- I can’t do this! I can’t-… I need distance for fuck sake-!”

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.

it hurt.

gaz saw the way toby stepped back—the way his body stiffened, the way that small, almost instinctive smile he’d started to give him faltered and faded into nothing. like gaz’s presence wasn’t welcome here. like gaz himself wasn’t welcome.

it didn’t help the thoughts that had been clawing at his brain for the past week, screaming at him that something was wrong. that toby didn’t love him anymore. that maybe—maybe—he’d finally woken up one day and realized gaz wasn’t worth it.

his stomach churned. his chest ached. but he forced those thoughts away, locked them up, buried them deep.

because this wasn’t about him.

so he took a slow, steadying breath, grounding himself.

“the recruits… they were begging me to get you to quiet down.” his voice was gentle, even though his heart felt anything but. he tried for a chuckle, something light to ease the tension, but it came out thin, humorless.

“pretty sure they were two minutes away from launching a mutiny.”

toby didn’t laugh. didn’t even acknowledge the attempt. he just stood there, completely still, fingers curled around the neck of his bass, the weight of it pressing into his torso like an anchor.

silent. unreadable. like he was somewhere else entirely.

gaz felt something crack inside him.

enough.

his fingers twitched at his sides. his throat was dry.

“have i…” he hesitated, the words catching in his mouth for just a second. but fuck it. he needed to know.

“have i done something wrong?”

his voice was quiet, barely more than a breath, but the weight of it was heavy. the space between them felt massive.

Crow wasn’t sure how he felt about Gaz being there.

He liked his company, of course he did. He just… didn’t want it. Couldn’t want it. Not now, and probably not ever.

‘So replaceable, you know? He’d be better off without you. Better off with someone who was as good of a person as him.’

The thoughts were getting too loud again, too hurtful, and Crow could barely hear what Gaz was saying to him over the noise, didn’t need to hear him to know his words were spoken with a softness that he didn’t deserve.

He always did so, always treated him right and always knew what to say, be it kind and caring or something more firm and steadying. And what did Crow bring him, his own problems?

‘Exactly. You’re a burden. All you ever will be.’

For seemingly the first time, Crow’s chest heaved with a heavy breath and he stepped forward dazedly.

He just about registered Gaz’s words, looking at him with that look in his eyes. Distant but all too painfully aware.

“Wha- No. No you-…” He swallowed thickly, heavy guilt starting to weigh down his shoulders. ‘Worrying him now you are. Can’t do anything right. Keep quiet already.’

As much as he beat himself up for it, he kept quiet, not wanting to say the wrong thing and make everything worse as he stepped past Gaz as apathetically as he could to turn the volume of his bass amp back up.

((CLOSED RP W/ @ask-gaz ))

There was no more question about it. Something was going on with Crow, as it did every few months, built up emotions crashing down at once. Something about how bottling them up isn’t good for him. And something about how ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Every few months it was, and this time was particularly bad. Crow had found himself searching for… distractions throughout the whole week now. Spending more time in the gym, only to rot in bed for longer after, throwing himself into work, only to avoid it like it was the plague.

And worst of all, he was distancing himself from others. And that included Gaz.

It hurt spending time away from his boyfriend, hurt even more doing so on purpose. But… in a way, Crow supposed he deserved it. That hurt. Needed to be reminded that he wasn’t as good as Gaz, the man’s heart far more capable of balancing love and war than Crow could ever hope his to be.

Gaz was good. Crow wasn’t.

It hurt. But it was the truth, and it wasn’t any less true when Crow hit these weird moments in his life. They just meant he needed to give his loved ones space from him. He couldn’t hurt them as much as he did to himself.

…He’d found himself another distraction today. Loud, chaotic music from his amp filled his room, his fingers already sore and aching with how quickly they ran over the strings of his bass, ears just about ready to bleed with the volume.

gaz had been worried sick.

the past week had been nothing short of hell for him—searching, waiting, always checking his phone for a message that never came. he’d been bothering crow’s friends relentlessly, asking if they’d seen him, if they’d talked to him, if they knew anything about why he was acting this way.

most of them didn’t have a solid answer. some had noticed the distance, the way crow buried himself in work and then avoided it entirely. others had caught on to his self-imposed isolation, the way he pushed people away even when it was clear he needed them. but no one could tell gaz why.

and that was eating him alive.

had he done something wrong? had he missed something?

his mind raced through every possibility, his gut twisting in on itself as the worst of them settled like lead in his stomach.

was this it?

did crow… hate him?

had he—fuck, had he fallen out of love?

gaz could hardly stomach the thought. it made him feel sick, like someone had pulled the floor out from under him, like his entire world was caving in and he was powerless to stop it.

but enough was enough.

the moment he got complaints—multiple recruits coming up to him, practically begging him to get crow to turn his music down—gaz decided he wasn’t going to stand around and wonder anymore.

he was going to fix this.

so he marched straight to crow’s room, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides, jaw tight as he approached the door. the blaring sound of bass reverberated through the walls, shaking them with the sheer force of the amp.

gaz twisted the knob.

locked.

of course it was.

good thing he could pick a lock.

with quick, practiced movements, he worked the mechanism until he felt it give, the click barely audible over the earth-shattering volume inside the room. he pushed the door open, and—jesus christ.

the moment the full force of the sound hit him, he nearly staggered back, the sheer wall of noise practically rupturing his damn eardrums. it was a miracle the neighbors hadn’t come knocking—or that the fucking base hadn’t assumed they were under attack with how deafening it was.

squinting through the auditory onslaught, he moved forward, every step deliberate, until he reached the amp. slowly—carefully—he reached out, fingers brushing the dial before he twisted it down.

the moment the volume dropped, the silence—comparatively speaking—was jarring.

gaz exhaled, steadying himself, then finally spoke.

"toby."

Crow had been so caught up in his thoughts, his own distraction useless at keeping ideas of being useless and a bother away. They screamed at him louder than his music did.

So he played louder.

Anything to drown out the problems weighing down on his shoulders. He had a pile of paperwork on his desk, about a dozen upcoming missions and he’s pretty sure he’s due to hangout with his friends soon and then there was Gaz.

‘What about Gaz?’ his subconscious asked him. ‘It’s simple, you’re not worth his time, shouldn’t even be a problem, shouldn’t even be thinking about him.’

‘So then why are you?’ Because he couldn’t just not. He loved Gaz. Loved him so much it hurt. And there was no one else Crow thought about more than him.

As much as he should stop. As much as he ‘didn’t deserve him. Disgusting really, how you take up his time, how you think you’re worthy of his company, let alone his love.’

He couldn’t play louder than his own mind all of a sudden and it didn’t even register in his mind that it was his bass that was the problem until he heard Gaz’s voice.

His fingers stilled completely when he spun around, the feedback of silence more deafening than any baseline he could play at any volume.

“Kyle.” Crow stepped forward out of instinct at first, the start of a smile playing at his lips, before he realised, and he stepped back once more.

His heart broke in that moment, that second he spent staring at his boyfriend before speaking up again. “H-how… what are you doing here?” This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. ‘What happened to distancing yourself? Gonna unload all your problems onto him again now?’ No. He couldn’t.

He stayed where he was, fingertips rubbed raw where they rested on the bass laid across his torso, the weight of the instrument and his own thoughts keeping him firmly stuck there.