On Shaky Ground

I thought I’d finally found it, a solid place where I could stand,

Calmly, safely, unafraid.

For the first time in a long time I could feel the ground beneath my feet,

Holding stead against the raging storms.

I should’ve know it was too good to be true,

That my hope for that stability was nothing more than a twisted fantasy.

An illusion meant to build me up only to let me fall-

Down

Down

Down

Deeper into the abyss.

Plunging me into the cold dark water below, leaving me to fight for a breath of air in between the crushing waves.

I wanted to believe that I was okay so badly that my mind confused the earthquake for a brief moment of dizziness.

There was no way my ground would be shaking- not after all the work I did to build such a strong foundation.

But my foundation was never that strong, there was always going to be some kind of crack, some flaw in the design

The storm would hit again and my ground would crumble.

I shouldn’t have hoped.

I shouldn’t have expected different.

I caused my own demise- my fall, my drowning.

I am my own crushing waves, my biggest storm.

Without me, the ground would be solid. Like the one I hope for.

But, unfortunately, without me solid ground means nothing.

I guess I’ll continue to brave the storm, to fight the waves, build the foundation again and again…

Maybe someday,

My ground will no longer shake.

Maybe someday

I won’t have to always be on the edge.

Maybe…

Part of me wishes we never met-

If we hadn’t, I wouldn’t have to feel this constant ache in my chest.

Like your hands are wrapped so tightly around my heart, deciding whether or not to keep it whole or crush it to pieces…

I wish you would just make up your mind.

Part of me wishes we never got close, that we never talked for hours on end, that I never got a glimpse of the stupid smile.

If we didn’t, I wouldn’t be so caught up in everything that is you- Your presence, your words, your laugh….

It’s like a breath of air, one laced with a bitter poison. Slowly killing me with every inhale, but for some reason I can’t get myself to stop breathing it in.

Part of me is so glad that I know you. That you understand me in a way that I haven’t experienced before.

You make me feel seen and loved, like I matter to you, more than the stars in the sky!

You’re like a lighthouse in the middle of a dark, raging sea. A sign of hope! But no matter how much I paddle, it feels like you’re always pulling away, just out of reach. Guarded.

Most of me knows that I shouldn’t wait for you. That if I do I’m only signing my own death certificate.

The longer I stay near you, the more I feel my heart crack and my lungs burn.

But part of me…

A little part of me, the part you created with that kiss, is so hopeful that I might be wrong.

That you’ll turn around and you’ll hold my heart so tenderly in your hands, that you’ll care for me as deeply as I do for you.

And that little part won’t die down, no matter how hard I try to stomp it out.

One flash from your lighthouse and it comes back just as strong as before.

“For What It’s Worth…”

Most people say that “almost” is one of the most heartbreaking things to hear but I would disagree. 
“For what it’s worth” is a phrase that has forever etched itself into my heart, burying itself so deeply into my soul that I’ll never truly be able to forget the sound of those words.

“For what it’s worth, he feels bad now” doesn’t take away the pain or the hurt. If anything, hearing those words is like reliving it all over– like being thrown into a dark and empty void, left alone to pick myself up again…

“For what it’s worth you’re a great friend” doesn’t lessen the heartbreak, it doesn’t ease the sting of the tears that threaten to pour down my cheeks. It doesn’t help to take away the hurt that rejection deposits on one’s soul.

“For what it’s worth, I did my best. I didn’t mean to hurt you. For what it’s worth I had to do it, you made me.” Your ‘best’ never has and never will be good enough to give back the love I wasted, the childhood you stole. I will never have the chance to think fondly of my time with you, I will never feel joy, only gut-wrenching fear, so crippling beyond words and so suffocating that I, no longer, feel alive.

“For what it’s worth, you are my daughter, I love you.” The only time that phrase has brought any semblance of comfort…but right alongside it is this crushing feeling of guilt. I wish I could say that I love you too, that I could express how thankful I am. You’ve been more of a dad to me than my father… I’m sorry

It’s such a simple word, but for some reason it feels heavy on my tongue…

When was last time I said I was happy with ease? Was it back when I was young?

I don’t remember when the word got so twisted and felt so wrong

Maybe it’s just been too long…

I’ve forgotten what it means to be happy…truly happy

When did I go from seeing a life full of stars to one that just seems crappy?

When did such a lovely word turn into a lie?

When did my eagerness to live turn into an eagerness to die?

I can say that I’m happy if you ask

I can put on a smiling mask.

I can laugh and joke with ease-

Is happiness found in moments like these?

If it is then why is there always this lingering feeling of dejection?

There’s always this fear of losing that connection.

They say to live in the moment,

but if I did that I would lose this imaginary opponent.

The one that seems to live in my head

The one that repeats every action, every negative word said.

This opponent, this enemy,

It feels like it’s destroying my identity.

I’ve lost sight of all that I knew

And now the skies don’t seem as blue.

The world feels dull…

In my heart I feel this pull

Not one to get better but one to give up and give in

To forget all that I’ve been…

Maybe the thing I’ve been scared of is right,

Maybe it’s time that I turn off that light…

Am I really loveable?

The kind of love that I dream about

Being one I find is something I doubt.

Will anyone ever look into my eyes and see shining stars?

Will anyone forever cherish memories of ours?

Am I only destined for a love like the sun and moon?

Will the person I’m meant for always leave too soon?

Am I really loveable?

Or is every time I hear those three words further proof of how I am just gullible.

Am I destined to live my life alone

No person or place to feel like home.

Will anyone ever see me and find in my heart their forever?

I dream of love everyday…it feels like my love will come never.

Am I really loveable?

Will anyone see me and only think of beauty-

The kind of beauty that makes you think of the first light of spring or the shine of the moon.

The kind of beauty that makes a person’s heart swoon.

Will anyone ever hear my laugh and think it’s something they can’t live without?

If not…what are any of my letters even about.

I want to believe that there is someone out there for me

However, as each day passes I just can’t see how that would be.

Why would I be someone’s ideal?

What part of me could be of appeal?

Am I really loveable?

With all of my flaws and mistakes

Would their heart be the one that breaks?

I share too much and push others away

Why would anyone want to stay?

I know that I can be better, that I can be fine

But even still I can never imagine someone wanting to be mine.

Am I really loveable?

Now I’m not so sure

Maybe I should just make peace being lonely, it’s more secure.

Lemon

You’ll never know how truly proud of you I am

With a name like that most people would assume you were bitter and sour,

However every moment with you just proves how you are more akin to a flower.

You are more beautiful than a rose, both inside and out,

Your laugh is like the rain after a long drought,

refreshing and restoring hope in my soul, something about you just makes my heart so full.

I tell you this often, because it is incredibly true

You remind me of my sister, a person who I’m so proud of that it brings tears to my eye… I don’t know what to do.

I know that if you wanted to, you could reach past the sky

Through the stars and past the moon

I hope that words of insult are something of which you become immune

I cannot seem to find the words to explain how dear you are to me

How dear you will always be

So until the day I am able,

I can only wish that this poem is an apt portrayal

Though I haven’t known you long,

I love you as an older sister loves her siblings, the kind of love that isn’t explained in most songs.

I love you in a way that I would do anything to make your dearest dream come true

In a way that meeting you has set my hope anew.

To me the name lemon is an antonym for the bubbly and wonderful person you are

I hope you never forget that you deserve the stars.

Mea

A name with so many meanings, how could I just choose one?

“The little pearl.” Scottish; “one hundred” Hebrew; “to sprout with love, affection” Japanese; and “mine,” Swedish, Finnish, Italian.


“Good spirits”, “cheerfulness” and “good mood”

Let me start from the beginning, the moment when I first had the pleasure of learning who you were.

I knew from the start that I would love the person you are. Your cheerfulness and good spirit drew me in and made my heart scream, “Know and love her.”

To me, the Scottish meaning of your name fits our first meeting

You were like a pearl, glittering wonderfully from the very first greeting.

Rare and beautiful, something that everyone should cherish always,

Something that will outlast every growing phase.

You bring so much joy to my life– I can only hope to have one hundred more moments every day until I die

If ever we were to lose touch, the pain would be akin to that of the sharpest knife.

“To sprout with love, affection”

Each day I learn more about who you are and how you operate,

I can feel this definition grow truer and truer and a rapid rate.

Touching on the last meaning, “mine”

I know that it is selfish to hope that that is what you’ll always be

A dear friend of mine, whose laugh and smile I’ll forever see

If I loose my place in your life by some cruel design, then there is one thing that you should know,

No matter what people say or what you have to go through,

You are a beautiful person who will always be cherished immensely by me.

For my favorite star.

Celeste: from the Latin word caelestis, meaning heavenly or celestial

I never knew a name could fit so well as your’s does

When I speak with you, my mind can’t help but think of the future and the past that was…

You are like this bright light, guiding me though the dark,

Burrowing your way deeper into my heart with each and every clever remark.

Heavenly, I cannot think of a better word…

You came to me like an angel and love me despite all that you’ve heard.

If I had to find a new way to describe you to someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of meeting you

I think I would describe you like this-

The brightest star in the nights sky, shining brilliantly through the clouds

The first snow of winter, bringing joy to all those around simply by being there

The first light of day shining on the morning dew and the rays of sun shining through the leaves on a crisp autumn day.

The comfort that comes with a warm cup of cocoa and cuddling up in a blanket.

You are everything that is light and beautiful- warm and comforting- the definition of love.

I will never meet a person that will stir the same feeling in my heart, for no other person can shine as brightly as you.

When I was a child and thought of everything I’d ever want, the list was as follows:

1.) I wished that my dad would come home because I thought that when he did, our house curled finally feel whole.

2.) I wished that my mom would be happy, that she would take a break and just hold me

3.) For the jewelry set I saw everywhere we went

4.) For my sister to keep her hands off my stuff

5.) That we’d stop moving so much

6.) For my sister to make good friends to stick up for her when I couldn’t

When I was younger, I thought that if I wished on the first star every night these things would come true.

But that was before I knew wishing on stars in nothing more than a nice dream

1.) No matter how hard I wished, my dad would never make our house a home. He is angry and destructive – every conversation with him is just counterproductive

2.)Despite my wishes, my mom never got that break. It was always another emergency she had to face – my brother’s diagnosis, my sister’s tears, all of our traumas and my heavy fears.

- She’s better now, my brother used to his medicine and me not around. She laughs more than before, it’s such a beautiful sound

3.) The jewelry set didn’t last, I lost all interest much too fast

4.) In a way this is one of the only wishes that came true… My sister is in some place new, miles from me and my things. I should be happy that the wishing worked but then the house grows quiet and I wish I’d never tried it. I miss the laughter my little sister brings

5.) The moving hasn’t stopped but now I hope it never will, there’s a whole would to see and a journal to fill

6.) The other wish that came true – My sister’s happy and her friends are always there. She doesn’t need me to save her anymore but I hope she always knows how much I care.

When I was younger I had so much hope and this spark in my heart – I wish I could go back to the start.

Back to when I carried that hope, that childish innocence. Back to when the hurt I feel wasn’t even real.

Back to before I remembered the pain, when I was still just learning how to write my name…

If I had to write a list of all the things I could ever want, the list would be:

1.) To find happiness in the sunrise instead of dread, to want to thank whatever god there is that I’m not dead.

2.) To forget what he did. To not be wary of every touch, to not be scared to hear his voice. To forget like I did when I was a kid.

3.) To make my mom proud of me and to have my sisters close enough to hug – to hear the laughs of all three which I swear could be some kind of drug

4.) To be okay again…

5.) To see the world through those childlike eyes.

It’s not fair-

Why do I hurt?

Why does he seem fine?

It’s his fault, not mine.

And yet, I carry the pain

Every day.

I wish I could drop it

But it just seems to stay-

This deep ache in my heart

The heavy stone in my chest.

It’s not fair-

How he gets to smile so freely-

I’m still stuck choking on air!

It’s not fair. 

It’s not.

Deep Breath.

Count to ten.

Nails in skin.

Thoughts in check.

Hold it together until you’re alone,

No one wants to see you fall apart.

Hide the mess inside your head.

Smile.

Deep Breath.

Count to ten.

Nails in skin.

Thoughts in check.

You’ll be okay if you make it through the day-

No one will know and so they’ll stay.

Deep breath-

I saw him today

Count to ten-

Heard his voice

Nails in skin-

He’s doing just fine

Nails in skin-

She doesn’t know

Nails in skin-

The things he did…

Nails in skin-

Dad says to forgive

Nails in skin-

Dad says he’s ashamed 

Nails in skin-

Dad says to think about what he was going through

Nails in skin-

Dad says he was hurting

Nails in skin-

It could have been worse

Nails in skin-

He could have-

Thoughts in check.

Deep Breath.

Count to ten.

Pen on page.

Thoughts in check.

It’s not my fault-

It’s not just in my head.

Pen on page.

Thoughts in check.

Today I feel a bit lighter, like the heavy storm in my heart has softened to a light rain- not completely gone but now manageable. Today I feel less sad, like the hurt I’ve been carrying like a weight on my soul has healed a bit more. Today I can enjoy the sunshine without dreading the night to come, without worrying about the darkness. I’m nowhere near fixed, there are parts of me that still scream from the pain they felt, that still shy away from the mirror, that hide behind the fear… But today? Today I’m happy to be alive, to feel the sun on my skin, to hear the melodies in the music, and to just laugh. Today I’m better than I was and to me, that’s good enough.

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever find that someone?

The person I can trust with my biggest dreams and deepest thoughts.

The someone written about in every fairytale and storybook

I wonder what it would feel like to meet that “one”

To look into their eyes and feel my stomach turn to knots,

To feel my heart caught on that hook.

Sometimes my heart aches when I think of love

“What if I never feel that way” my heart always seems to say

Or “What if my past is simply too much”

I’ve never felt worthy of flying doves

Or having someone beside me at the end of every day

After everything, I don’t deserve that much.

Sometimes, the love I seek seems too far out of reach

The life I wish for, destined to stay in my dreams

And my heart, destined to stay alone.

In those times, I turn to my stories and read the characters speech,

Those about soulmates and wondrous teams,

For these stories bid away the worries to which I’m prone

Before I met you, the hours seem to drag on forever here

Every minute felt like a new year.

I watch the clock move so slowly

My head always hung so lowly

That is until you walked into the room,

Your smile banishing away all gloom,

Your eyes shining brighter than the sun-

And I unwillingly came undone.

After I met you, and you forced your way into my heart,

I could feel it all start.

My day seemed less dreary, and dull,

You made my heart pound and pull.

the clock seem to tick too fast-

I only wanted each moment to last.

Just a bit longer that’s all I need

But I can’t say that, I can’t act on the greed.

To you, I’m just a friend,

But for me– when you’re near- time will never end.

Time flies when I’m with you,

To the point that our hours spent feel too few.

I think this feeling will never change for me–

Especially if it’s your eyes that I get to see–

Because I love you

Even if you never love me too