i hate being told to calm down at first i thought i just didnt like it bc im angry a lot and it annoys me but then i realised

it's something my dad tells me all the time even when im just excited or happy he tells me to calm down. no matter whatever i feel if i show any emotion at all he tells me to calm down and i just, i'm fucking sick of it. i don't want to have to calm down. i have feelings and i cry and i fucking feel a lot and i don't want to be calm and when i'm in a space where i feel like i'm free to express myself and then i get told to chill or calm down it just brings me right back to my dad and i feel like shit all over again and i hate it.

i hate the plot of my story and tbh i just care about my characters and the realms and

the Syl/Ash dynamic is shit

bc syl is extremely dependent on Ash, thinks he's in love with her. but. he isn't. he's really into this concept that he has of her as a riser (powerful, able to protect him) and he think she's this godsend savior for him. but she's not. and i lot of times he neglects to realise that she has emotions and is capable of something other than killing his enemies and, honestly, he uses her (although he doesn't mean to) and he craves her attention a lot and

ash just never gives him the affection he wants, even though she actually cares about him a lot and she honestly likes him. she has protective urges over him and tbh she loves him? and it's an actual kind of care, unlike the one syl holds towards her (where he does like her, does care about her, but it's not really her that he's seeing). and she knows that he has this fantasy idea of who she is and who she's supposed to be, but he's still important to her so she kind of just lets it slide.

but I WANT THEM. TO CONFRONT EACH OTHERwhere syl just gets  really pissed off bc he's a piece of shit and he gets mad that she never shows him any sort of affection (unless she's helping him get out of danger which, tbh, is PRETTY GODO OF HER) and gets fed up that he would pretty much do anything for her. he follows her through p much everything she goes through and takes her side and he has no regrets about that (they're friends anyway, he cares for her a lot), but she has never said that she wanted him there and he feels like all he does is bother her and he doesn't want to feel that way and basically. he's looking for confirmation that she cares about him too. and he p much confesses to her that he's in love with her and it gets really quiet and she laughs at him ( and she barely laughs but it's not a rl laugh it's this kind of heartbroken laughter bc SHE KNOWS THAT HE LIKES HER BUT SHE KNOWS THAT IT'S NOT REALLY HER AND IT UPSETS HER A LOT) and she tells him that and says that she's not an angel, even if that's what they call her, she's a riser and she fights and bleeds and she kills, not to be some beautiful goddess who has justice, but to protect her own self and for her own selfish reasons, and he doesn't see that. and he puts her on a pedestal and she can't stand that, because she feels like she has to keep on this facade to impress him and it's very dramatic and then syl says he's sorry. and ash wants to be sorry too and she wants to say that she's sorry she's made him feel alone, but she can't be sorry bc she feels victimized and tbh theyve both been hurt a lot and they kind of stay away from each other for a while.

and i think after the initial. fight. where they confront - it starts to open up where they can actual get to know each other (except they actually see each other this time) and syl admits to all these bad things about her and. idk. they barely talked before, it was more like syl was following this grand idea of a person because he felt like she was a god (which she kind of is) but. yeah. and anyway they gradually start to talk about actual things and they never actually "get together"""" but it's this quiet understanding that they're okay and they don't need a love confession or anything because they care for each other a lot.

SPEAKING OF WHICH.

ASH/RINGER

which is mostly. they work really well together (surprisingly) and ringer's a very excitable person, he's friendly and fun and people are drawn to him. but he's actually a very intelligent person and people don't often see that part of him, nor does he care if they do. but ash and ringer have a really good friendship going on where they would probably be happy together too if syl and cal werent there, but they make a lot better friends than lovers. and ringer is basically ash's go to guy and ash is his and theyre each other's back ups. and this gets syl jealous sometimes because he's more powerful than ringer, but he's not as good with things. and ringer and ash talk a lot, but they never do "fun" things. they go to each other when they have problems bc they really Get Each Other and it's one of those rare friendships that somehow just work. and ash likes ringer because she doesnt need to take care of him (okay she doesnt need to take care of syl either, but she feels like she does) and because he's good at listening and she knows he's smart and he likes her because she doesn't just see him as someone funny to be around. she listens. and they both have this kind of loneliness to them. ash is more outwards about it, like she wants to be left alone. but. ringer has a good amount of friends, but they don't really care about him that much. he's just fun to have around.

RINGER/CALIGO

basicallyt eh bestttt. ringer, blind, has a strong sense of more 'magical' properties in the world. he can feel the rushes of energy and through this, sense caligo's presence and. he's not sure if it's real. but for a long time he would lie in bed at night and just feel this comfort that caligo was there and eventually he started talking to caligo. and caligo began to respond. and it's basically long exchanges in himself that he can't really explain. he doesn't hear a "voice" but he jsut feels these things and he knows. and they joke with each other a lot and ringer doesn't really know how to feel towards this voice bc he doesnt even know if he's crazy or not. eventually cal gives him a name, but ringer doesn't really know what to think until caligo introduces himself and takes on ringer's form. bc he's spent so much time with him. and cal really likes ringer for being the first person ever to "see" him and he loves ringer so much and. ringer doesn't know. but. he knows he likes cal and knows that cal is important to him and that he doesnt want to be w/o him. and he doesn't really have any care whether or not cal's a boy or a girl or a ghost or a human or a cat or anything, he just knows that cal is someone, something, etc. that means a lot to him and eventually cal fucking cant take it and just. kisses him. bc god damn it ringer is really cute and really great and ringer doesn't even give af he's just like"ok cool" bc there isn't anyone that he likes more than cal and cal will always be the one who feels like he cares more, but ringer just isn't v good at showing he cares, even when he does.

i need more girl characters in t his but idk what to do about that i dont feel like the main 4 should change i like them the way they are. but. yea. def more girls/?

apparently i have body weight image issues?? bc. my cousins and i are watching this show and i thought i was the weight of a girl over 200 pounds judging by how she looked? 

i'm still not exactly where i want to be or who i want to be, but i'm working on it and i think that's a lot better than when all i did was wish that i could get there

Really sick of seeking validation from people I care about I wish I didn't care. Things would probably be easier.

i think the main reason i dont want to write is bc i really fucking hate evelyne. she is such a lazy character. she is literally one of the most shit characters i have ever made.