Hello Tumblr. Lately I've realized that throughout my whole life I've been striving for mediocrity because that's what gets me by in terms of approval from others. This not only shows in my grades but also my artworks. Many of them are uncolored, unfinished, and are not full compositions of any sort. I know in my heart that I'm capable of making more high effort art with the full spectrum of colors that tells a full story, with beautiful settings, and so on and so forth. But I never do it. Why? Because I have an ego problem, and seeing myself struggle even a little bit, even if it leads to me doing something amazing that I never thought I could do, is a death sentence to me.
I also realized that despite telling myself that I don't draw for others, I really do. The drawings I make with social media in mind are again, only made for approval, so they don't turn out as good. I think back to the old drawings I made of Bill Bruford and Jon Anderson with Applejack and Fluttershy. I could've colored those and really perfected those, but did I? No. Because the idea had served it's purpose. The drawings I make with for myself, with me in mind are much more high effort and turn out much better than the others. I guess most of this came from when I looked at some of my older artworks, and realized that in a way, I regressed. Not because I had more technical skill, or more understanding of anatomy, but because I drew for myself, and therefore didn't do the bare minimum for approval.
Expect my art to take much longer these days. Actually, no, don't expect art from me at all. I'll come back later.