das kleine schmetterlingsbuch

Forgive me, but I HAVE to let it out on here because there's no other place than Tumblr, where anyone would ever understand how my mind and body reacts to this kind of situation (being obsessed with fictional characters and their romantic relationship). I'm letting it all out, because I haven't been this crazy about a fictional character since the death of Sybil Branson in 2012. It's safe to say BtVS is making me INSANE. I still have season 7 to watch and don't worry, I don't care about spoilers usually so I already know how it's going to end. But I also can't watch it yet; I need to take a serious break for the sake of my health... However, I need to write my heart out, like NOW. I don't care if my analysis is not aligned with canon knowledge. These are mere feelings, and I also happily block out every cruelly written stupid scene that isn't in line with this beautiful ship(wreck).

Why can't we just preach it from the rooftops that Buffy is in love with Spike, even and especially in season 6. She doesn't believe he's able to feel true love towards anyone, which is why she would never admit hers, not even to herself. She's also traumatized by her previous romantic endeavour with a vamp, who happened to go completely nuts because of loving her. That fucks a girl up, I tell you. Plus the whole "I tasted sweet death and now I'm full of impenetrable (almost; pun intended) cosmic melancholia" affects her behaviour, obviously. Spike is the only one who understands her Thanatos (psychoanalysis babes back me up). Spike is the only one who she can be brutally wild, carnal and insanely strong with without hurting him or breaking his bones. And he can be like that with her. She can be fully herself with him, all sides, dark and violent included, something she perhaps couldn't safely be with her latest, human boyfriend. It terrifies Buffy to have these feelings of lust and affection towards something soulless, which is why she sees her sexual behaviour as reckless and self destructive. And there is a disruptive aspect to it, sure - him being a bloodthirsty vampire and all - but she continually seeks him out from pure desire. Emphasis on pure, something Buffy thinks a soulless being could never be. Ironically, their dark, feral bond happens to be just that: pure as what it is. A revelation, as Spike said. They have much deeper connection than "only" a sexual attraction. It's primal yearning. It's love in its deepest, scariest depth. Like death itself, but a little one.

...and apparently la petite mort is in Spike's own vocabulary as well.

buffy the vampire slayer, becoming ii // angel, a hole in the world // buffy the vampire slayer, fool for love // angel, a hole in the world

re: “she’s a part of me she’s the only part that I-” I get that dawn is narratively a part of Buffy functioning as metaphor for her innocence, lost girlhood, etc. But. also that is what it’s like having a sister. especially one that you’re close to like she is a part of me!! she is made from me!!! I would let the world fall into inter-dimensional chaos before I would let anything happen to her :)

Rest in Peace Michelle Trachtenberg (1985–2025)

my favorite part of ed’s movie

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER — 6x13: Dead Things.

Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944), The Parsifal Series, Group I, No 1. 2 October 1916. Watercolour and graphite on paper, 25 x 26cm.

— Chris Stevens, Northern Exposure

Spike & Buffy – Buffy the Vampire Slayer.