@linosgrape on Tumblr

linosgrape

Reblogged

justalittlebitbored

part one: willow tree | remus lupin

GIF by kenstaroyco

part one: when love comes knockin’

pairing/au: marauders era, remus lupin x reader

summary: you've loved your best friend for as long as you can remember and loving someone who doesn't love you back hurts. a lot.

warnings: angst, unrequited love, sadness, fluff, friends to lovers, childhood best friends to lovers. no use of y/n.

wc: 4.3k

a/n: here’s the very first chapter, let’s hope and pray you guys like it. sadly you might not get the next chapter for a while, so sorry about that. set in their fifth year at hogwarts

alexa play right where you left me by taylor swift

series masterlist main masterlist

————————————————————————

You don’t really know when it happened. Falling in love with Remus Lupin.

You’ve loved him for as long as you can remember. You loved him when you were seven years old and he pushed you over in the sandpit. You loved him when he told you his secret the night before you both set off to go to Hogwarts. And you knew you loved him when he snuck you out of your dorm room during your fifth year to tell you about his first kiss.

You didn’t even realise you felt that way about him until you were outside, under the willow tree by your dorm in the middle of the night when he told you about his first date. You remember how dry your mouth was and how your heart felt as if it was about to beat right outside of your chest. You smiled and nodded as he told you about the girl. This new, amazing girl who he had met in his potions class.

And you definitely remembered how you’d cried yourself to sleep once you’d gone back inside.

It wasn’t his fault, how could he have known about your feelings when you yourself didn’t even know about them.

***

Once you’d realised your affections for the boy you’d inadvertently started to avoid him. Taking the longer routes to get to lessons just to not to have to see him in the corridors. Not turning up for lunch in the Gryffindor common room, spending break time in the toilets.

You hadn’t even realised you had been doing this when he corned you in the library as you were packing up your things, ready for your next lesson. His cheeks were flushed like he’d rushed to the library and the curls on his head were unruly, as if he’d been running his hands through it.

“Listen I know why you’re avoiding me - ”

You froze, your hand shaking as you picked up the last pencil that remained on the desk.

“I’m not avoiding you Remus.”

“You are - don’t pretend like you’re not. I didn’t realise why you were until Sirius mentioned how close we were.”

“Remus- ”

You tried to respond, attempting to leave the conversation, you didn’t know if you could handle speaking about your feelings then and there in the middle of the library.

He cut you off, not letting you speak. Which in hindsight was probably the best thing he could’ve done as with the way it was going you probably would have avoided him for the next three years.

“You’re my best friend. I should’ve told you about the date when I got asked. We tell each other everything and this just slipped my mind, I just got excited and told Sirius and James first.”

He paused to take a breath before continuing.

“And you’ve been avoiding me this past week since I’d told you and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what I’d done. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, I will next time anything happens.”

He thought you were mad that he didn’t tell you about his date.

You blinked at him speechless.

“That was it right? That was why you were mad?”

He looked at you with his brown eyes, his eyebrows furrowed and a little crinkle by his eye.

You opened your mouth to speak, closing it when nothing came out.

He said your name again, his face contorting into a frown.

You found your head nodding up and down before you could realise what you were saying.

“Y-yes. Yes. That’s why.”

You stuttered and his face softened. He grabbed your shaking hand.

“I’m sorry. We don’t keep things from each other. I won’t do it again, yeah?”

“Yeah.” You spoke monotonously, and looked towards your bag, you needed to get out of here and fast. “I have a lesson now, I can’t be late.”

“Hey, hey. Look at me. We’re good right? You’re my best friend, can’t have you being mad at me.” He asked again with a weary voice, whilst tugging onto the hand he was still holding.

Best friend.

Platonic.

You turned and looked at him.

“Yeah moony, we’re good.” Lie. “Don’t worry about it.” Lie.

He suddenly pulled you into a bear hug, his arms around your middle. His face was in the crook of your neck, his nose trailing across your warm skin. You didn’t know what to do with your arms but after a moment of hesitation you weaved them together behind his back.

“Oh thank god, I hate it when you’re angry at me.” He chuckled his breath tickling my neck.

“I hate it too.” I said meekly. After a moment he squeezed you tightly and stepped away, a smile adorning his face.

He was beautiful, his curly hair and strong jaw giving him a boyishly handsome look. My eyes darted to the freckles on his cheeks. Did he always have freckles there?

“What class do you have next, do you want me to walk you there?” He asked.

“Herbology. It’s alright though, I’m sat with Sirius so it’s not too boring.” You teased trying to sound normal, whilst zipping up your bag. You slung it over your shoulder and walked backwards to the exit whilst facing Remus and gave him a bright smile.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure I can make it there in one piece, and I’ll see you at lunch anyways.”

Once you’d passed through the door and heard a vague goodbye that you were sure that was from him, you turned around and the smile dropped from your face. How had you never seen it before, how had you never realised your feelings for the boy.

***

The problem with growing up with someone is that you know everything about that person. You used to think that being best friends with Remus since you were both six years old was special, that no one could ever share the same bond that you did.

It was however this same bond that made you want to repeatedly slam your face into a brick wall. Everywhere you went there he was. Every time he touched you could feel your ears go warm and your words would get caught in your throat.

You started reading into everything that he did. If someone puts his arm around your shoulder regularly or places a hand on your knee whilst he talks, does it mean anything? Is offering to carry your bag and books whilst he walks you to lessons a normal thing that normal best friends do?

But this was normal for you. Growing up with someone allowed for you to be comfortable enough to do these things. It doesn’t mean anything.

This bond also made it very difficult to hide things from each other and every time he talked about another girl, a bit of your heart chipped away.

But it was Remus, just Remus. He would rather stay inside and read, or come to your dorm and watch a movie. He didn’t play quidditch and he certainly didn’t go on dates and kiss random girls. But ever since he had become friends with ‘padfoot’, ‘prongs’ and ‘wormtail’ things had changed.

He had changed.

Not in a bad way, he’d become more confident in him self, less skittish and less afraid of letting people in. He was growing up and making friends and it felt as if he was leaving me behind.

When he told you that his friends had found out about him being a werewolf, he was calm. He trusted them. You now weren’t the only person he confided in, he was moving on in life and you felt as if you were stood there stuck in a childhood illusion.

His regular visits during the night of a full moon stopped, becoming rare occurrences and the first aid kit that you had once used so often stayed under your bed and was beginning to collect dust.

You never brought it up though, never wanting to make it awkward. The thought of him explaining to you that he’d rather go to his new friends rather than you made shivers go down your spine. So you let it go, you never mentioned it. If it meant you could avoid that conversation, you would let it go.

It had now been three months since the marauders had found out about him and nearly four months since you had realised you had feelings for him. He had stopped visiting, instead of coming to you he went to his friends and they looked after him. It was that night when you cried yourself to sleep when you realised how truly deep your feelings ran. What you initially thought was a little crush that you could easily grow out of was something entirely different. Something entirely different that was starting to feel like love.

When you awoke that next morning to the faint sound of rain on the window, you looked outside and as you expected the willow tree had rain dripping off of its leaves, falling to the ground.

Ironic.

***

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t miss smarty pants.”

A body slumped into the seat next to you. You slotted a finger into the seam of the pages of the book you were reading and looked over. Sirius gave you a crooked grin whilst his back leant against the table and his legs were sprawled out in-front of him.

“Leave her alone padfoot.” You heard a voice say before you felt a warm body settle on your other side. You looked up and realised that Remus and his friends had come to join you in the great hall. Peter and James were sat opposite you, Remus on your left and Sirius on your right.

“Why, sad you got a C?” You teased.

“Professor Sprout hates me that’s why. You know me, I’m a model student. I love plants and those little mushroom things.” His eyebrows were raised with a smirk on his face.

You heard a snort from James. “Oh get off it. You - a model student. I’d love to see it.”

The boys snickered whilst Sirius pouted at you. You could certainly see what girls saw in him. Where Remus was boyishly good looking, Sirius had strong features, his dark eyes darted around your face. He was ruggedly handsome and he knew it.

He spun in his seat and sat facing the table. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, herbology is my passion.”

This was when you finally heard Remus’ deep voice speak out next to you as he reached over to steal a chip from your plate of food. “No need to be jealous. She’s way smarter than you.”

You could feel the tips of your ears warm up as he defended you. The dark headed boy to your right turned and looked at Remus with with a smirk. He stared for a moment longer before shaking his head and joining the other two boys’ conversation.

“It’s true, I am smarter than him.” You turned to look at him.

“There was never any doubt about it.” He smiled.

You could feel your cheeks heating up again as he looked at you so you averted your gaze to your book and focused on the way your nail was scraping again the spine.

God how were you supposed to not feel this way if he smiled at you like that. He had to stop smiling at you like that.

He lifted his hand and brushed a piece of hair behind your ear. It was a natural thing, he’d done it many times before, it just never meant anything more until now. He asked you about the book you were reading.

“It’s about muggle history. You know us, we’re all greedy, power hungry freaks.” You were referring to the fact that you were both muggle born, well he was only half.

He laughed loudly, opening his mouth to respond.

“Hey moony, turn around. It’s your little girlfriend, you going to go say hi?” James voiced loudly interrupting your conversation. He nodded behind us to where Violet Murphy stood.

It was the girl Remus had kissed. She had long black hair with dark blue eyes; you had potions with her in fourth year, she was a great girl. It was no doubt that she was amazing, you could understand why he went for her.

His face went red and you could feel his awkwardness emanating off of him.

Sirius whistled loudly before reaching behind you and patting him on the arm.

“Come on moony, you’ve got to go say hi to your girl.” The group of boys cheered as he stuttered, obviously not used to his kind of attention.

“I don’t know, do I go-”

“Of course you go. Go, get up. Now. Go.”

James and Peter leaned forward from their side of the table and gave him a shove that almost had him falling to the ground. Remus swung his legs over the bench and stood up.

“Cool, okay. I can do this. No big deal.” He murmured to himself before Sirius gave him another massive push forward.

You watched his back as he walked off towards Violet. You couldn’t see his face but you could see hers, and she was smiling shyly when he stopped in front of her.

You turned around before you could see anything else. Your eyes began to sting and your hand shook.

You need to leave. Now.

You slammed your book shut loudly garnering the attention of the other boys, making a lame excuse of how you had to speak to a professor about a piece of homework.

Turning around you left before you could hear any of their responses and rushed away.

***

Sitting in the library by yourself became a common occurrence. As the year went on you tried to act as normal as possible, and studying in the library became the perfect excuse.

Life outside of Remus was difficult. You didn’t realise that outside of your little bubble you didn’t really have anyone. You had your dorm mates that you spoke to but they weren’t really friends, more like acquaintances and once school was finished for summer you were sure you’d never speak to them again. Shame as some of them were sweet gir-

“Hi, excuse me but do you have a pen I could borrow?” A light voice whispered. You looked up to see Lily Evans standing by your desk, a smile on her face.

“Um yes. I do yes, give me a moment.” You rummaged around in your pencil case attempting to find one in the midst of all the clutter in there. You could feel her gaze before she sat down.

“I’m sorry for bothering you, you seem busy. I’ve been waiting for someone to show up and I don’t think they will.”

You finally found a pen and handed it to her, finally meeting her eyes.

“No worries, I’m not too busy. Just sat here doing whatever really.”

Your gaze darted around her face, she really was pretty, with her deep red hair and piercing eyes. She was in the top of her classes and head prefect of your year. You could see what James saw in her. He had been fervently pursuing her for the past couple months.

“Thanks for the pen.” She stared at you for a moment, opening her mouth before closing it again. You raised your eyebrows slightly in interest.

“You know James Potter right?” Nodding you looked at her curiously.

“Sorry, it’s just I’ve seen you and your boyfriend hanging around with him and- ” Your eyes widened.

“I- what.” You gulped. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh I thought you and Remus Lup- never mind. It’s just that James has recently been… um” She trailed off, you could see her eyes darting around trying to find the words to ask her question.

“…been pursuing you.” Finishing her sentence you leaned back in your seat with a smile. You knew exactly what this girl had come to speak to you about.

Her face flushed red and she began to stutter.

“I- no.” You raised your brows. “Well, yes. But I’m not asking in that way. I just wanted to know what his deal was, you know since… he’s just started to… you know.”

She was a sweet girl. If she truly wasn’t interested in James like she’s been saying she wouldn’t be asking, but by lord did the two of them make you chuckle so you decided you’d leave the both of them to their own devices.

“He’s a good guy. Headstrong. Once he knows what he wants he’ll go for it - within reason of course. He’s not a major creep if your wondering. He’s kind of a loser actually once you get to know him, I mean his nickname is literally prongs.”

She furrowed her brows and you could literally see the cogs in her head turning. She shook her head before replying.

“Oh… alright. I was just wondering. I’m still not interested though. ” You gave her a knowing smile before you began to pack up your stuff. She still had your pen in her grasp, a thoughtful look on her face.

“You weren’t waiting for anyone were you?”

Excuses began to stumble out of her mouth.

“Don’t worry your secrets safe with me. I’m not going to report back to him or anything. It’s very entertaining watching you shut him down everyday, really cheers me up.” You laughed and you stood up.

She began to hand you your pen as she rose from her seat.

“Thank you, I mean it.” You placed the pen in your pocket. “We have transfiguration together next right? Did you want to come with me to grab a cup of tea before we go to McGonagall’s class?”

You figured you had to branch out sometime. Staying in Remus’ shadow wasn’t an option forever and you certainly couldn’t do it for the next two years.

But being mistaken for being a couple surely meant something. That the way you two behaved with each other must mean more than friendship, it was a seed of hope but sadly the image of Remus rushing away to see Violet was an image that you couldn’t get out of your head.

If he did feel something for you he wouldn’t be going on dates. So you decided it was time, you had to make friends and this was the perfect time to start.

“Yeah sure. I’d love too.”

That was the start of your friendship with Lily and it surely blossomed within the next couple of weeks. You’d never had a close girl friend and looking back you don’t think you could ever go back.

Over the next couple of months you’d began to spend more and more time with her and her friends and less time with the marauders. Not in a bad way, you obviously still hung out with them but just less. Not that you wanted to admit it they were some of your closest friends but you would never tell them that, Sirius’ ego was big enough already and you didn’t need to inflate it anymore.

It was also an excuse to not have to spend time with Remus. He would still come over from time to time and you would do your movie nights. You had most, if not all your lessons together. But it gave you some healthy distance, you no longer just orbited around him.

You didn’t dare think about him romantically, even when he fell asleep in your bed with his head in your lap after you’d put a second movie on. You definitely wouldn’t memorise all his features, the freckles on his cheeks, the mole by his lip. The little bump on the bridge of his nose and you definitely didn’t sit there every time wishing you were more than what you were.

But it didn’t mean anything. You were still friends.

Just friends.

***

Before you knew it, it was the end of the year. Your entire class had just finished your end of year exams and you and the marauders were walking out of the exam hall.

Remus’ arm was around your shoulder as you all walked out, the boys all chattering about that last transfiguration exam.

James was complaining as usual, whilst Peter was timidly trying to explain where prongs had gone wrong in the exam.

The boy pressed up to your side was loudly having a conversation with Sirius about what they were going to do to celebrate.

“We need to go big. We’re gunna be sixth years next year, practically the oldest in the school.”

“Practically.” You muttered. The arm around you gave you a tight squeeze and when you looked up at Remus he gave you an amused smile.

“Why don’t you settle down a bit padfoot. We have just finished. If you’ve failed you’re going to have to repeat.” He teased his friend.

“I haven’t failed trust me.” Sirius said cockily, sure of himself.

You both let out amused laughs and whilst the conversation still went on around you, you walked quietly along with the boys whilst reflecting about the year.

Remus and Violet’s romance didn’t last very long, the girl broke up with him about six weeks after their first date for a reason that was still a secret to all of us. His lips were sealed and no matter how much his friends pried and pried he never told them why.

Lily and James still had their ongoing… thing. We would watch him ask her out, she would say no and the same thing would happen on repeat nearly every week.

You remember the day he came bounding towards you, questioning you about your friendship with the girl. He had interrogated you for nearly two hours before your friends had found you. Though, you never got involved with the two of them, rather you sat back, observing their ‘relationship’ was humourous enough.

“What are your plans for the summer?”

You didn’t realise that all four boys were asking you a question until you were shook gently. Startled you gave a long answer.

“My family are taking us all on holiday. We’re leaving tomorrow. I’m gunna be gone the whole summer. Surprisingly, I’m actually very excited.”

Surprisingly, you were actually excited. Usually you hated summers, thought they were pointless. You went back to the muggle world to your family whilst most of your friends stayed in the wizarding world. The main reason that you hated it was that you didn’t get to see Remus, but this year that factor was something that you were very much looking forward too.

You listed all the places you were going to visit and amazingly all the boys sat patiently and listened with Peter asking the odd question here and there.

“Alright then, we need to celebrate tonight then before you go, need to see as much of you as we can before you leave for the summer. Where are we going?”

A guilty feeling overcame you when you looked up at the boy.

“Actually Remus, I’m spending tonight-”

Your name was loudly called out drawing attention to your little group from the people around you for a second before they turned around and continued their conversations.

Lily came to a stop in front of you and you didn’t even need to look at James to see the giddy look on his face. He opened his mouth to speak and without even looking at him she raised her hand and muttered “No.”

“You ready to go?”

“Go where?” You could feel his gaze on the side of your face as you cringed. You hadn’t told him yet that you were spending tonight with your other group of friends. In all fairness they did ask first but it was an unspoken tradition that you and Remus always spent this last evening together.

“Um, me and the girls are spending the night together. Marlene’s parents are away so we’re going to her house tonight.” With a weary expression you looked up at him.

There was a range of emotions on his face. Mainly you could see the confusion, you were breaking tradition. The two of you had spent the last day of school together every year since you could remember.

He knew something had been wrong this last year, of course he knew. You knew that he did, you weren’t an idiot and he definitely wasn’t either. You could always feel him watching you when you acted differently, he had never said anything though.

He was looking at you that same way now. Every time you thought he was going to bring it up you ran, made excuses about how you had to leave and avoided him until he had forgotten about it.

“Oh.”

You could feel Sirius’ and Lily’s eyes on you. Anytime something weird or awkward happened between the both of you, you would look up and their eyes would already be on you, they would pensively stare for a moment at you both before looking away. It was unnerving.

“Yeah. I’m so sorry, they asked and I totally forgot and said yes.”

You could see the hurt on his face and before he could open his mouth to say something, you felt a harsh tug on your arm.

Lily had pulled you to stand next to her.

“Okay! We really need to get going, the train is leaving soon.”

You didn’t know what to say, how you could smooth over this awkward situation. But before you could say anything she grabbed your hand and dragged you away, you shouted a goodbye and received waves back in return.

You really didn’t want to have this conversation but you knew Lily was going to pull it out of you one way or another.

“Okay, what the hell was that.”

***

part 2