"When you're in your bee suit and you feel sweat running down your back, that's fine. If you feel sweat running up your back, that's a bee"

-Some beekeeping advice my mom gave me today

I thought “bee suit” meant like a bee costume until I read the word beekeeping

Me @ Historians when they try to say everyone is straight:

My mattress is strapped to eight roombas and I leave all my doors open at night so the roombas can go where they want to. I wake up where they want me to be. I trust their decisions.

what you say: tru

what I hear: True Jackson VP was filmed in front of a live studio audience

got milk bitch? 🥛🍼😶 got beef? 😠👊🥩got steak ho? got cheese?👀🧀  grade 🅰️ ho, not lean 😳❌ got me a1, sauce please 😫 these heifers got nothin’ on me 💁‍♀️ steaks high, 🥩⬆️need a side of collard greens 🥗 ca💲h 💰🤑💸 rules everything 🌎🔁 around me 😋 ice cream🍦😛 ice cream 🍨😝 you a calf bitch 🐄, you ma daughter 🤱i ain’t bothered 🤷‍♀️ get slaughtered 🔪 got the methane, i’m a farter🍑💨 with my farmer 👨‍🌾 mcdonald 🍟 and they feed me real good, it’s a honor 😔 philly cheesesteak all in that order, chili cheese fries as a starter🌶🍟 got the steroids 💉 keeping me stronger 😉💪 bitch im a cow, bitch im a cow, i am not ⛔️ a cat 🐱, i dont 🙅‍♀️🚫😤 say meow 🔇🤬😾 bitch im a cow, bitch im a cow 🐄❤️🐮

take a breath, spit out the blood in your mouth, and get back up on your feet. you still got a couple of motherfuckers to prove wrong.

Me getting up from the chair at the dentist after a quadruple root canal

Your response has nothing to do with ginger ale

and your response doesn’t have anything to do with being the biggest clown on the block but here we are again

99 Luftballons is German despacito

Das ist so traurig. Alexa, spiel 99 Luftballons.

Air conditioning is just domesticated wind

i fucking hate this because it’s right

Come On And Slam And Eat A Plate Of Ham

i’m vegan

Come On And Slam And Eat A Fucking Yam

EN GARDE, THOT 🤺

snakes never visit a restaurant because they don’t have any fingers to point at the words they can’t pronounce on the menu

I’m a big fan of that post-laundry feeling when you’ve got all your A-list clothes back in the game.