────── ⋆⋅☆ ILLICIT AFFAIRS, SAM WINCHESTER
summary. Being in love with his brother’s girlfriend drives Sam insane.
↬now playing| illicit affairs by Taylor Swift
⭑.ᐟshould I write a part two where they physically cheat so I can make some people cry for Dean? 🤭
Sam stares as his soul is being ripped apart from him for the millionth time.
He stares until he feels his heart shatter into smaller parts day after day.
He’s not sure how his heart still works.
He’s not sure he has one anymore, actually.
He stares, he wonders, he tries not to cry because surely he’s being ridiculous.
He’s probably the worst brother in history of brothers.
He knows he doesn’t deserve you.
He sure as hell knows he’ll never have you.
Maybe that part of him that hopes so much is what keeps him alive after all.
The nights spent wondering about what life would look like if only you’d chosen him and not Dean.
The countless dreams and what ifs keeping him awake constantly- wanting nothing more but to just love you.
He thinks maybe loving you from a distance will still help- because at least he still gets to- you’re still an important part of his life- at least he has that- you.
He wants to scream sometimes.
He wants to scream at Dean, because although Sam knows he loves you, you still deserve better.
Maybe not him- but better.
Maybe it’d be easier if you were with anyone else other than his brother.
Maybe he wouldn’t want to scream so much.
He wants to scream at you to wake up and see what’s right there in front of you.
He wants to show you everything he’s ever wanted to give you.
Then- loving from a distance doesn’t feel so right anymore.
It feels itchy, like it’s right there under his skin, like it’s laughing at him, playing, making him believe all this time only to hit him in the face with the reality that it’s truly never going to happen.
Surely you’ll get your happy ending.
Maybe with Dean- probably not.
Maybe with Sam in another life.
Sam’s not so sure he deserves a happy ending.
Not with someone else- because truthfully, he doesn’t see himself loving anyone other than you, and that eats at him.
His brain plays tricks sometimes.
He swears he can see you looking from across the room.
Glancing at him and looking away the moment he catches your eye like you didn’t mean to be caught.
He sees you bite your lip when he talks like you can’t hear a single word he says, like you need him in order to breathe.
He probably imagines all of it.
The way you reach for his hand trying to comfort him- as a friend.
The way you look at him when dean’s not looking or not around.
The way your hands get sweaty around him, the beat of your heart fastening and him swearing he can almost hear it.
He’s not okay with the what ifs.
He doesn’t want to be a horrible brother.
He knows his brother would kill him.
He doesn’t want to break that bond with him, drift away only because he wasn’t fast enough getting the girl of his dreams.
He doesn’t act but he wonders if you feel it.
If you feel the tension, sometimes sexual, sometimes just in the air like unspoken words eating at the both of you like torture.
He wonders if maybe, just maybe there’s a chance out there.
In another life, or universe.
He stares at the ceiling at night thinking about all of the times he could’ve acted on it before you even thought of falling for Dean.
He doesn’t know that you do the same thing.
You think about all of the times he reached for your hand and you pulled back as if you didn’t see it because you were too scared.
You think of the times he’d read to you to help you fall asleep, something Dean’s never done.
The way he’d ramble about his favorite books, geek over his favorite movies not knowing you actually love them just as much.
It’s unspoken but it’s there.
Maybe Dean deserves to know.
Maybe you don’t deserve either of them.
Perhaps the universe is sending you messages with the way you can’t stop thinking about another man.
A small part of you wishes that Dean would just up and leave. Break your heart so Sam can patch it up.
Maybe that makes you a terrible person.
Maybe it’s never going away.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
