⋆.ೃ࿔*:・ i'll come to you as the first snow
pairing: rafe x reader
synopsis: rafe's dead fiancée comes to pay him a visit.
warnings/tags: angst, fluff wc: 1.6k
a/n; inspired by this fic by me.
rafe really wasn't sure what had been going on in his life for the past three months; because whenever he was awake, there was a glass of whiskey in his hand. and whatever he did remember, seemed to just be a piece of the puzzle.
one moment he was in his bed, looking at pictures of the two of you on his phone; the next moment he was weeping at your grave, his forehead pressed against your cold headstone, the next moment he woke up on a random beach on kildare island.
he knew you wouldn't approve. he knew that if you were there, you'd be telling him all about how it was an 'unhealthy coping mechanism', and how if you were alive, you'd give him the silent treatment until he promised to stop; but the thing was; you weren't there anymore. he used to roll his eyes when you used to tell him to eat better, sleep more, or drink less; but now he'd give just about anything to hear you scolding him.
the moment he found out about the accident that took you from him, the first thing rafe thought about was coke; because in his mind, that would take it all away. it would make him numb, it would make sure he wouldn't feel your death.
his first stop after having to see the aftermath of your accident was at barry's. but the moment he'd lined up four lines of the white powder with his black amex, a rolled up dollar bill between his fingers, rafe was brought back to when you were helping him get clean, holding him in your arms in the pitch-black room as he shook in your arms, his entire body covered in sweat while also being freezing cold, how hard you worked to get him through withdrawals. and he just couldn't do it.
so his only way to cope was by sinking his feelings in a bottle of overpriced whiskey, but no matter how much he drank, no matter if he blacked out, the first thing he thought about when he woke up, and the last thing he thought about when he fell asleep was always you.
and the worst thing was, the signs of your existence were slowly starting to fade. the shirts and hoodies you'd stolen from him and claimed as your own now smelled like laundry detergent, instead of the usual mixture of your perfume and sweat, the shape of your head was no longer imprinted onto the pillow right next to his, and the worst thing was that he was starting to forget the way your soft skin felt under his fingers.
rafe was sitting on the living room couch, his eyes half-lidded and heart beating slowly in his chest, a pill bottle knocked over on the coffee table in front of him, a few tablets having spilled out of it, a framed picture of the two of you from the day he'd asked you to marry him right next to him, the man rolling a half-empty glass of whiskey in his hand before taking one last swig, reveling in the way the ember liquid burned as it went down his throat. the last thing he could register was the thud of the glass as it slipped from his weak grasp and fell onto the plush carpet you'd picked out.
"come on, you can't sleep in the living room..."
rafe was half-asleep as he started to hear a familiar voice starting to come through the haze, but what started to pull him back to consciousness was the feel of a warm, soft, hand on his cheek, a thumb stroking the stubble on his skin, and as he breathed in, he could smell the cherry-scented lotion he could recognize anywhere.
his eyes were so heavy, but rafe was determined to open them, and finally when he managed to get them halfway open, in front of them was the blurry outline of someone he immediately recognized. he didn't have to see her features, because for the entire time he'd known her, she'd somehow always seemed brighter to him than anything else in the world. rafe smiled, reaching out to touch the outline's cheek. "am i dead?" rafe asked as her features slowly started to become clearer.
"no, silly." you let out a small chuckle, and he could see the way your eyes shone as you rolled them, "how about we get you to bed, sweetie?"
"alright..." rafe groaned, letting himself lean his weight on you, and as you stumbled towards the bedroom you shared, you let out adorable little laughs whenever he nearly tripped, until eventually, his back hit the soft mattress, an exaggerated groan leaving his lips.
you laughed as you climbed into bed on your own side, nuzzling into his embrace, your head on his chest, rafe's arm automatically wrapping around you and pulling you close to him. he smiled, but when his gaze turned to you, something about it changed; it became wistful, longing. his eyes turned glassy, as he looked at you, his lip trembling.
"what's wrong?" you asked, your eyes furrowing together as you brought your hand to his cheek, stroking it with your thumb, "hey, talk to me, rafe..."
"this isn't real." if he didn't feel his lips move, rafe would've thought that the person saying those words was someone else; his voice was so weak, so shaky, so different from the usual firm, confident tone he spoke in. "i'm just high, or drunk, and hallucinating." he sniffled, "and when i wake up, you're gonna be gone."
rafe didn't even notice the warm tear that rolled down his cheek until you wiped it away with your thumb, taking a deep breath as you looked at him, "i'm sorry, rafe." you said softly, pressing a kiss on his clothed chest, "i wish i could be here."
"i always thought that you'd be the one person who'd never leave me. that you'd be the thing that... that lasted forever. that i'd get to wake up next to you every morning until we're grey and wrinkled and shit." rafe chuckled bitterly, "why couldn't that happen? why does everyone always leave me?"
you bit down on your lip and sniffled, continuing to stroke your cheek, "if it was up to me i would've stayed. i would've stayed forever." you brought your face closer to his, pressing your nose against his, looking into his eyes, glimmering with tears, your reflection in his dilated pupils, "i need you to know that, rafe." you whispered, "i would've never abandoned you."
rafe hid his face into your shoulder, racked sobs muffled by your shirt. you moved your hand to stroke his hair, letting out small shh's as he cried into you, his hold on you tightening, as if you'd disappear. and he would be right. so you just let him cry as you stroked his hair.
eventually, he took a shaky breath and pulled back slightly; the sleeve of your shirt was wet with tears, and so were rafe's cheeks. you smiled softly, wiping the tears away from his skin. "i'm always going to be with you, you know."
"what, like in my heart?" he chuckled dryly, letting out an accidental sniffle.
"well, yeah." you smile, cupping his cheek, "but also in the moon when you look up at night. in the stars, in every raindrop that rains down. in the first snow and each one after that, in every word you speak, and every ." you brought your face closer to his, "i'm saying that i'm in everything around you. you're not getting rid of me that easily."
"i promise." you said softly, bringing your lips to his, and for the first time since your death, rafe felt something much better than happiness; he felt serenity. the way your lips molded against his seemed to be the thing that completed him, that managed to fill a small fraction of the hole in his chest that seemed irreparable since you left.
when you pulled away from the kiss, the both of you let out shaky breaths, and when you opened your eyes, you saw your smile mirrored on his face. "promise to me that you'll take care of yourself." you said softly, "because i can't take it if you wreck yourself. it hurts me more than anything in the world."
rafe took in a shaky breath, his nose pressed against you as he closed his eyes, leaning into the feeling of your warm hand on his cheek, "i promise." he mumbled, and even though he couldn't see it, he knew there was a smile on your face.
as rafe's eyes slowly fluttered open, the man felt as if he had gotten the best sleep in his entire life, but memories roamed back to him of last night, of you in his arms, and suddenly rafe started to feel enraged.
he clenched his jaw as he sat up in bed, throwing his pillow onto the floor; his brain had betrayed him, had made him think that he had you back, that you were right next-
rafe's brows furrowed as he looked to your side of the bed. on the pillow, there was an imprint of someone's head. and as he laid back down, smelling the sheets, he could make out the distinct scent of your signature perfume.
but the final nail of the coffin was when rafe lifted his head, looking out of the window.