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a medieval peasant could kill me

all my haters stop doing bong rips with the raw shrimp when i sit down at the table of deviltries with the grilled cheese

we've all been playing this super fun game for several years now where it goes like "can a computer be considered to have passed a turing test if half of its evaluators are purposefully trying to break it and the other half are credulous idiots who would believe anything it says?" and surprisingly enough this rigorously unstructured program of economic niche development has yet to produce anything of value

julia child, an early influencer for mid-20th century "broadcast" media, did not work for the CIA but for its precursor, the OSS. it was here that she developed her controversial shark repellent

(eating a salad) could use a little more chicken if i had to be honest (genie sighs exasperated and turns it into chicken salad)

managed to convince both of my boyfriends that beans are woke (surprisingly easy, and i didn't even need the handwaving justification that it was "due to the pythagoras thing" because they haven't learned yet that 90% of the things i say are true and 10% of the time i'm doing a bit about the nature of truth itself so you have to regard everything i say with skepticism even though i was right just yesterday about herbie the volkswagen beetle's role in the goiania radiation exposure incident), but now i'm in over my head because one of them said he was going to look for pdfs about it. and i'm not that good at search engine optimization

today i put on black parachute pants and an olive drab t shirt and my man immediately said "very kim possible"

kids these days are resorting, due to the lack of third spaces, to an activity known as fishwindowing, which is when you go to your local big box supermarket and map out the blind spots in the surveillance cameras so you can come back later with a comically oversized trench coat and ask for the biggest whole fish that the deli section will give you, and then you shoplift it to take it home and freeze it. when it's fully frozen solid, you take it to the home of one of your local congressional representatives while they're on vacation and chuck it through the window so they come home to a broken window and a rotting mess of fish. which is of course a crime but what can you do? what is this world or our society coming to? we used to have values

neighbors who have been overloading my trash can because they thought it was theirs even though it clearly has my house number on it finally got their own trash can after i got a replacement because it was falling to pieces, and while i'm packing up to move out i just watched the garbage truck out my window drive directly into it and knock it over because it was too far forward and blocking the alley. turns out it's thrilling when karma's a bitch to someone other than me. who knew? i didn't. it's never happened before

turns out prototaxites may have been a unique branch of life, and not "big headless mushrooms that used to rule the world" as i have previously reported. they were thought to be related to fungi when i said that

the sheer number of people who don't know "spiral in the sky is a rocket launch, most likely from spacex" continues to stun me (this has been going on for at least ten years), but then again the most frequent astronomy question is "what is that star cluster" (it's the pleiades) (this has been going on since before the invention of writing)

i put a couple of screw hooks in my pocket the other day, which naturally and organically led to them getting caught on everything else in my pocket any time i tried to take something out and they would bounce and jingle on the floor and i would say "oh no :( my hooks."