This girl and I both know she didn't plagiarize her work, and really I can't blame the teacher because it's the beginning of the year and if I was handed Penelope-level writing from a 5th grader, I'd think it was fishy too. This is online school (thanks, covid) so she really doesn't have any experience with Penelope at all. Even though this is a gifted class, this girl's writing (and OCD attention to grammatical detail) is impressive, to say the least.
In any case, I read the email from the teacher early this morning, before Penny was awake and I knew that I had to buffer it somehow. Being chastised for being dishonest by a teacher that she truly wants to please was going to really upset this girl who struggles with perfectionism.
Let me back up and say that a few years ago, Penelope had a teacher that really messed with her head. This teacher used daily humiliation and ridicule to milk every ounce of productivity and obedience out of her class. Even if you weren't the one being put on display and made to stand in front of the class for your "lowest grade on the test" (seriously), you watched in fear, terrified that if you didn't measure up, your day on the chopping block was coming. This level of stress and terror seeped into every aspect of my daughter's life until normal daily functions and conversations were too hard to handle. We've spent a couple of years and quite a bit of counseling to undo what this teacher did.
Knowing that, knowing also that Penny didn't do anything except her very best on the assignment, I spent about an hour thinking about how to approach this before Penny had a chance to check her score. When Penelope had gotten up and ready for the day, I pulled her aside before she could head to her desk to check in.
"Penny, I have something funny to tell you. You did such a good job on your test yesterday that Miss Hausenflavelknocker thought somebody else must have done it!" I said it with a smile on my face, making sure to convey by my tone that "of course I don't think you cheated but isn't this hilarious?"
I told her she must be a real smarty pants for her teacher to be so surprised by her work.
And it... almost worked. She sort of smiled but then that smile started to slip, "you mean she thinks I CHEATED? I don't know whether to be happy about it or worried!"
We talked a little, without badmouthing the teacher, and paused to see things from Mrs. H's point of view. We pictured what it would feel like to get a paper that didn't seem 5th-grade-ish and wonder if it had been copied. I told Penny that in all likelihood, a kid or too probably HAD done that it the past and her teacher didn't really know Penny or her standards.
So why am I telling you this? Remember I write here for my future adult-children and grandchildren to hear from me. If grandma Alison is too senile to give you any sort of direction in your life, remember this: You can't control what people say about you. You can't even control what they THINK about you. All you can control is how you act. Are you the kind who grabs offense like free candy at a parade and holds on for dear life?
Do you relish the opportunity to take someone else's actions and let your anger grow and build? Do you relive every slight, renewing those affronted feelings and drum up righteous indignation over and over again? Penny and I could've done this. "How DARE she?! Doesn't she even know you? She's the worst!" We both would have been justified but what would the end result be? Penny would lose respect and admiration for her teacher, coloring every interaction in the future, and likely wading back into those perfectionist waters that we've worked so hard to shake off.
When I talk to my kids, do I set them up to be angry? To be offended? Or do I come from a position of charity and being a benefit-of-the-doubt giver. I have to admit that during that hour of trying to decide how to handle this, I jumped both feet into that stupid river of offendedness. I angrily splashed around in it for a while until I realized that wouldn't help Penny. She gains nothing from starting every day with a chip on her shoulder and something to prove.
As adults, we're ALWAYS going to have people think badly of us for one reason or another. Those opportunities-for-offense candies get tossed at us for all sorts of reasons: religion, politics, family choices, parenting styles, personality quirks, physical traits, and more. So much more.
I'm trying to teach these kids (and obviously I still need this lesson myself) that if we strive to be right in our actions, we don't need to worry about what anybody else thinks. If I avoid taking offense, I waste SO MUCH less energy on hate. We don't let that poisonous feeling take root and peace is able to fill up those spaces in our heart.
In the end (*and I hope it is, indeed the end), I backed my girl up by sending a short and polite email to the teacher, explaining that there was no cheating and could she please give Penny the lost points for the assignment. Penny felt safe, knowing her mom had faith in her and was free to move on with her day. As far as I know, she hasn't thought about that interaction any further and is happily listening to a read-aloud while eating a less-than-healthy snack.
Now, if only I can remember to do the same...
(Written last year in August:)
