James Baldwin, Joan Baez, and James Forman, on the March from Selma to Montgomery, 1965.
Grief feels like the aftermath of a slap. The element of surprise is gone but the pain still echoes. It vibrates throughout your body. It crushes you in waves and there is really nothing you can do about it.
1 noteI can’t escape what could have been. The chances that I wanted to take but that were robbed from me. I miss her. This girl I used to be. This girl who was happy and loved. I ran away from the comfort of my own home. I took the big jump. Not looking back. And how spectacular it was!
They tell you the hardest part is to jump, to make the decision to let go. But they never talk about how to live after you’ve made that jump. I found myself at the bottom of that cliff. The descend was marvellous. I felt alive, so alive, like never before. I found out things about myself I never thought I would. I was freer than I’ve ever been before. But now…
Now I feel empty. My heart, my arms, my everything is trying to hold on to that beauty, to that life I loved living, but only catching air. Why don’t they tell you that the most difficult part, the most sinister one, isn’t to make the decision to let go but to learn how to live once this is over. I wish I knew what to do with myself in that in-between-time, that sad and sterile nonsense. I want to jump again, but in the meanwhile what to I do?
This feeling of emptiness that comes after a long period of happiness is breaking my heart. I feel it for the first time ever. Boys, girls, whatever. This is mourning. This is pain: knowing how happy you can be and yet not being able to feel that way again. Before this adventure I didn’t really know what happiness was, and how it can truly impact your life. But now I know. I also know that I’ve lost it. And that hurts the most.
1 noteJe parle de toi Louis Aragon, Elsa
(via fin-de-partie) 1,624 notes