Hi, Sam. Tanda mo ang ilang Pasko at Bagong Taon na pare-parehas tayong ulila sa Katipunan? Mga panahong idolo kita dahil parang alam na alam mo na ang life project mo. Ang husay mo, yung tipong lowkey pero kapag nagkwentuhan na, pucha mapa-Hogwarts man yan or Economics eh napapanganga ako. Sagrado man o karnal, malaliman o mababaw na usapan, kaibig-ibig ka lagi pakinggan. At marunong ka rin makinig gamit ang puso mo.

Sa lipunang maari kang maging kahit sino, pinili mo ang maging guro. Kasi sabi mo, sino ang hahamon sa mga susunod na henerasyon na magmahal at magsuri? Kaya nagturo ka sa Pisay.

Pagpasok ko ng seminaryo, isa lang ang bilin mo: Pangatawanan mo yang hayop ka.; maging mabuti kang Father Elias. Naging mas madalang ang usap natin, nung birthday ko, ikaw ang humingi ng pabor - panalangin. Ambilis, dati covid covid lang usapan natin ngayon, Stage 3 agad. Napakadaya, ang tapang mo.

Umiinom ng gawa mong lemonda, sa pagitan ng mga upos ng sigarilyo, habang matingkad ang kulay ng langit sa balkonahe mo. "Elias, paano ba mag-start ng devotion?" Dun ko naramdaman na dinadala ka ng tapang mo palapit sa Diyos. Sa totoo naman, hindi ka lumayo kahit kaylanman. Minsan, walang pangalan ang Diyos sayo. Madalas, sigurado kang sya ang tumawag at umiibig sayo.

Kaya pala nitong mga nakaraang mga araw, bukambibig ko ang kantang "Stay With Me, Lord" eh hindi naman ako deboto ni Padre Pio. With matching teary eyes pa minsan kapag kinakanta ko habang naka-upo sa inodoro. Paulit-ulit, ilang araw na ganun. Sabi ng kanta:

Stay with me Lord, that I may never forget you.

Stay with me Lord, because I'm weak.

Yun pala ang mga araw na hinang-hina ka na. Hindi ko man lingid noon, naiintindihan ko ngayon na hinehele ka ng mga panalangin ko kasi hindi biro ang kirot ng sanlibong karayom. Bisperas ng pista ni Padre Pio, sinundo ka nya pabalik sa Bathala ng mga bahaghari, ng mga bituin, ng mga kalupaan, ang ng lahat ng mga nasa pagitan. Salamat naman, tapos na ang mga pasakit.

Pahapon na ngayon, katulad noong huli nating pagkikita. Salamat sa kakaibang pagkakaibigang nabuo sa Katipunan. Hindi mo man akalain, kasama ka sa mga humubog sa akin. Natuto akong umibig nang lubos at maglaan ng buhay sa makabuluhang bokasyon.

Samahan ka nawa ng mga pusa sa langit. Isang mataas na pagpupugay sa'yo.

Paano ko nga ba nalaman na tinatawag ako ng Diyos? May himala ba, o mga pangitain akong nakita? 

Paano ko masasabi nang may kasiguruhan na ito ang laan na buhay Nya para sa akin?

Di tulad nila Samuel o Jeremias sa mga kwento sa Bibliya, wala akong narinig na boses o napaginipang mga tanda na nag-udyok sa akin na subukin ang buhay relihiyoso. Bagkus, maari kong ihambing ang aking bokasyon sa isang binhing itinanim. Magmula pa sa aking pagkabata, naroon na ang pagkabihag sa Simbahan at sa pananalangin. Tanda ko pa noong mga bata pa kami, hindi maaring hindi kami mag-rosaryo at mag-Angelus pagsapit ng alas-sais ng gabi. Doon ko unang naranasan ang matuto sa kahalagahan ng pananalangin. Sa murang edad, naging aktibo ako sa aming parokya bilang sakristan at kasapi ng youth ministry.

 

Isa sa mga naging mabuting halimbawa ko habang lumalaki ay ang aking lola. Lagi nya akong bit-bit sa pagdalo sa bukluran o Bible study. Kadalasan, ang mga dumadalo sa bahay-bahay na pagpupulong na ito ay mga nanay o matatandang babae at lalaki. Ako ang pinaka-batang kasali sa kanilang pag-babahaginan. Sa murang edad, natuto akong magbasa ng Bibliya. Nakatulong ang karanasan na iyon upang mas lalo kong mahalin ang aking relihiyon. Mula sa paulit-ulit ng parehas na dasal, nadiskubre ko sa bukluran ang pag-aaral ng Salita ng Diyos bilang mahalagang sangkap ng buhay panalanagin. Noong ako ay nasa ika-anim na baiting naman, ang aking adviser at guro sa English ay isang Protestante. Bilang bahagi ng aming mga aralin, pinapabasa nya kami ng mga akda mula sa Bibliya at pinakakabisado nya kami ng mga talata. 

 

Kaya hindi ako magtataka kung bakit sa murang edad, ang “binhi” ng bokasyon ay nagkaroon ng ugat at magkadahon. Noong nagtapos ako ng highschool, pinagpasyahan kong pumasok sa seminaryo. Malapit lamang ang seminaryo sa aming bahay. Tuwang tuwa ang aking ina sa aking desisyon. Sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, namatay si Mama kung kaya pagkatapos ng isang taon sa seminaryo, pinagpasyahan kong lumabas upang tumulong sa aking pamilya. Nagtrabaho, nagsikap, at gumawa ng ibang pangarap.

 

Ngunit iba ang Diyos umibig at manuyo. Habang wala na sa isip ko ang bumalik pa, sa edad na dalawampu’t lima ay nakita ko na naman ang sarili kong pumapasok sa seminaryo. Parang may kung anong uri ng pagkabihag na lagging nagtutulak sa akin na bumalik sa kabila ng mga bagay na aking natamo sa buhay.

 

Ngunit lumabas muli ako. Ang lola ko naman ang dahilan sa pagkakataong ito. Wala na kasing mag-aalaga sa kanya at may kakayanang suportahan ang kanyang mga pangangalingan. Kaya naman inilaan ko ang mga nakaraang taon sap ag-aalaga sa kanya. Maraming nangyari sa mga panahong iyon. Sa aking pagsisikap na rin, bahagyang umunlad ang aming pamumuhay. Ngunit hindi pa rin nawawala ang pagnanais na maging par isa lahat ng panahon na iyon.

 

Matapos ang apat na taon, sumakabilang buhay na rin ang aking lola. Isang taon pagtapos ay sumunod naman ang aking ama. Opisyal na wala na akong kailangang suportahan. Parang sinasabi ng Diyos sa akin, may idadahilan ka pa ba para hindi Ako sundan? Kaya naman agad akong naghanap ng mapapasukang seminary sa edad na tatlumpu’t-isa. Dinala ako ng aking mga panalangin at pangarap sa seminaryo ng mga Pranksiskano.

 

Tapos na ba ang kwento ko, ngayon na narito ako sa loob ng seminaryo at tinutukoy kung ang buhay Pransiskano nga ba ang buhay na angkop at laan para sa akin? Hindi ko masisiguro sapagkat nasa simula pa lamang ako. Dito ba ko tinatawag upang maging banal? Hindi ko alam ang sagot sa mga ito sa ngayon.

 

Ngunit makakasiguro ako sa grasya ng Diyos na Siyang tumawag at unang umibig sa akin.

 

Yun lang ay sapat na sa akin sa ngayon.

I am a huge fan of the musical Les Miserables. When I was in elementary, I read a short version of the novel written by Victor Hugo and a full version in college and I quite enjoyed it, but it was the musical that made me fall in love with the story. I consider Les Miserables an epic, spanning decades and interweaving dozens of plots to point towards the narrative of Jean Valjean, the man who spent years in prison for stealing food. He could have been jailed for a short while, but he frequently attempted to escape thus his sentence prolonged. When he finally got his parole and desperate to start his life again, he resorted to stealing silver candlesticks from a bishop, the only person who looked on him and treated him like a normal person.

 

I cannot help but remember the story of Jean Valjean during the discussion of the philosophy of encounter of Emmanuel Levinas. Going above ethical principles, Levinas worked out his ideas of relationship and personhood based on encounters with other people. For Levinas, encountering another person places him to a spontaneous act of responsibility. In fact, he argued that it is the encounter with other people that marks the start of true ethics. In ways grand and minute, I agree with Levinas on this based on an observation and personal experience of treating people differently depending on many factors. For example, there were times when several people will ask to borrow something from me, but I respond differently to each depending on how close they to me are, their credibility, and many other factors. But regardless, the situation compelled me to act and, in the process, challenged my convictions and values.

 

Here, Levinas challenged us to look into the face of the Other to genuinely engage with them, to make a response. And regardless of what the response will be, it is an evidence that we are obligated in some way and some form towards the other.

 

Going back, I relate this encounter with the face to the story of the bishop and Jean Valjean. Too many a time, Jean Valjean was looked down by the society. An ex-convict seemed to have no place in the French society. Yet here is an old and wise man who showed Jean Valjean that since they have encountered each other, he is responsible for Valjean’s soul. In simple gestures and very few words, the bishop showed Valjean that he is a good man despite all the negative things that others told him otherwise. The kindness of the bishop was the impetus for Valjean to live an honest life, carrying with him the silver candlesticks across time as a visible reminder of his duty towards others. Thus, circling back to what ethics is – the quest for the good for the other.

 

What do we owe to each other? In my life, I have always striven to insist that I should treat everyone the same with equal dignity and respect. While I only learned much of it from things I read and from observing others, I can say that I am (more or less) consistent in applying good behavior towards others. For example, I make sure to call waiters and salesladies by their names as a sign that he or she matters to me and just some transactional entity. In a world that is cruel and relationships are reduced to give and take, the least that I can do is to be kind.

 

I think perhaps this is the reason why God became man just like us. He wanted to encounter us in the level that is very humane and very ordinary so that each encounter with another person will have depth and holiness. Our God is a god of encounters. What you do to the least of your brethren, you do to Me. In this season of advent, I am challenged to make more genuine encounters by looking at the face of the others and choose to act in love and compassion. Any philosophizing will not matter if it does not make my heart grow fonder.

This was the question I was pondering for quite some time now over the years. Consider this: Never in the history of mankind that people have the freedom to choose the kind of life they want to live. Compared to throughout history until some 70 years ago, there is no virtual stumbling block any more for anyone to have a career of his or her choice. We cannot deny the fact that before, people have a limited career or passions to pursue. Options for women were very limited. For example, in the Middle Ages when an intelligent woman wants to have a career and not get married, the only option was to hone her skills by entering the convent. Today, women can be anything and everything all at the same time. In a world where there is an unprecedented emancipation, we see a declining trend in religious life. Every year, there are more priests and religious men and women who die than those who enter. In many parts like in Europe and North America, religious life is in decline. Which brings me back to the question “Does God still call people to live this way of life?”

 

For to become a religious these days is an absurdity. Taking from Camus, absurd means illogical or unreasonable. The world is absurd because there is value whether we do good or evil, or if one decides to become a lawyer or a businessman. The world is indifferent to our lives and is not personally involved in anything about each individual person. To Camus, an absurd world is utterly meaningless. Applying the principle, so why would someone who is perfectly full of potential give up everything to enter the seminary or the convent where in fact, one can perfectly serve God (should one insist there is one at all) in equal respect as a married or a single person? Vatican II has made it perfectly clear that all states of life are equal in holiness. One can reach heaven without being a priest or a nun. (And I may add, it may just as well be easier to enter heaven as a lay person given the number of scandals Catholic Church face right now).

 

According to Camus, there are two ways to confront absurdity. First, he suggested suicide or ending one’s life since it is meaningless anyway. We were not consulted by the universe should we want to be humans in the first place! But the alternative way to escape meaninglessness is by doing another absurdity: by insisting a value and a purpose to one’s life. That resistance to accept meaninglessness is itself the antidote. It reminds me a famous line from the Welsh poet Dylan Thomas:

 

“Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

 

I had three friends who were some of the most passionate, intelligent, and courageous women I ever got acquainted with professionally. One is a social worker, another a professor, and another a youth minister. I have been teasing them for many years that maybe they would like to consider becoming a Good Shepherd Sister since they have been actively involved as lay mission partners. They kept on giving me the same excuse I used before – they can still serve the Lord as lay people, without necessarily becoming a religious.

 

But lo. Few days ago, I learned that they all entered the postulancy. How absurd.

 

Does God still invite people to become religious? Asked about the relevance of religious life these days, Sr. Sandra Scheiders had this answer:

 

“The vocation to the single-hearted, lifelong, exclusive-of-all-alternatives quest for God above and beyond and through and for all that one human life has to offer will continue to arise and to reverberate in some hearts. And that some will be enough — not, perhaps, to run a countrywide school system or even a diocese or to socially transform the world or society, much less the church — but to witness in this world to the absolute intimate transcendence of a God who delights to be among humans and needs humans whose incandescent love of that God will manifest God in the world.”

 

I look at my three friends and I see hope. They remind me to keep going myself.

 

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

A year ago, I was already happy. For example, the non-profit organization that I have been working for the last six years asked me to take on a greater role to cover the whole Asia Pacific region. I was in a loving relationship, and we had two dogs running over our condo unit. When the pandemic started, I started my own business – I opened an online marketing firm. I was financially stable, and I enjoyed a career which I also called my life project. I was set for life, and I was living a comfortable life. Yet even in that state, I would still feel God calling me for something more, something greater than the comfort I am enjoying. I was already thirty years old, what else He could be asking from me at that point?

 

On a clear night, I could hear Him as if inviting me to love Him more radically and to trade everything for something I am not even sure if worth all the “leaving everything behind” again. If I choose to return to the seminary, I would be trading my stable life where I was the boss and the manager with a life which I must follow someone else and rely on Providence for everything I need. I thought that if I love my partner with even greater zeal and if I begin to consider my material and professional achievements as my way of honoring God, then eventually the desire for religious life would eventually die down. But God is a funny lover. There would be times in the day when it is quiet or busy, the thoughts of consecrated life would suddenly occupy my mind. In my daydreaming, it didn’t matter if I was relating to a large crowd or assigned in a barrio, the feeling was the same, a feeling that did not give the same “high” as I would feel when I was much younger.

 

I knew exactly what Soren Kierkegaard meant with his concept of dread, a kind of anxiety one experiences in the face of one’s own freedom, as he conveyed on his example of a man standing on the edge of a cliff because I was on that metaphorical cliff for an overly extended period. I was a man on a crossroads knowing that with the limited information that I have on hand, I ought to make a life-changing decision that can either turn out good or worst.

 

Oftentimes, dread stupefies the most when one has more life data and moral concepts to work on because one cannot escape seeing the choices in many points of view. I kept on delaying my return to the seminary for many reasons, both practical and personal. My position was that God will ultimately remain happy for whatever good and ethical life choice I will make, regardless of the vocation I will pick for myself. Yet, the call of the one, true, good, and beautiful God is always mysterious. He calls me to be good, but he also seems to be calling me to take one step further. But taking one step further looked too much far. At some point, I felt it too rigid that I just wanted things to unfold que sera, sera style, a form of submission to a childish determinism.

 

I confided my thoughts to my partner and between resentment and tenderness, a new form of love emerged between us – the one that lets go. We chose to part ways so I can begin the process of discerning.

 

I took discernment seriously. I consulted people, I considered pros and cons, and I even made a crude logical framework of action, a kind of outline, that I would follow regardless of my decision. Between October to December of last year, I went on backpacking together with some new-found friends. I spent months travelling to Siargao, Cebu, Baguio, and Leyte going on adventures. It was in this period that I learned many things about myself like my capacity to maintain healthy relationships, how I deal with unexpected events, how I react to them, and how much I enjoy admiring the whole of creation. It was at this point too that I related to others in a more sincere and intentional way. Everywhere I went, I witnessed how kind the simple people truly are, how generous are the poor! As I progressed through my travels, I realized that I was not a tourist anymore but a pilgrim. His mercy keeps on following and showing me its different manifestations. All those times, the last lines of Mary Oliver’s poem “The Summer Day” would constantly play in my mind:

 

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

 

I guess a leap of faith was made. Considering where I am right now, I finally took a turn and regained control of my fate in the grandest Kierkegaardian way. Wherever the path may lead from this point, I’d welcome grace and dread just the same.

Today is Amma's birthday. She would have been 90. The day reminded me of the memories I had from the time I had to leave the seminary to take care of her. I remember taking that bus ride that brought me back to Manila. I remembered in gratitude how the Good Shepherd Sisters gave back my work quickly. I remembered their generosity so I can setup my life again by getting a decent apartment and transferring Amma to my new place. I remember hurrying home so I can spend afternoons with her and assist my younger sisters in cleaning and feeding Amma. I remembered how my siblings took care of her up to her last days. I remember burying her next to my mother few years after.

It's been many years since I gave up my dreams so I could take care of her. To many, it looked like I wasted time for myself. But I have no regrets at all. Those years molded me to become the person I am right now.

I read somewhere that grandmothers' prayers are powerful. I would like to believe that Amma's prayers are still protecting me.

You are missed, Aling Nena.

So I am following for quite some time now a new routine - one that I had no control of and one which I have to follow to the letter. If before, I would wake up anytime I wanted and just decide upon waking what to do, now I have to wake up very early regardless of what time I slept the night before. I had chores, tasks, and activities that the old me would loathe doing.

But son I would find myself actually enjoying even the most menial task. I find meaning and lessons in boring or physically-demanding chores that I would othwerwise hate doing. It also made me compare the way my brothers do their tasks. While they simply perform tasks for the sake of saying they obeyed, here I am, a thirty-ish year old newbie who actually doing things so I ma be able to find meaning (and maybe God too) in the process. Later I realized that I am motivated by love. I came here because I am chasing a lover whom I want to serve, perhaps understand, and experience. I am not here because I need to pass some exam of challenges to prove that I have a vocation. I am already here because love brought me to this exact place. Nauna na ang Diyos, at hindi dahil gusto kong mahalin ako ng Diyos sa proseso.

So indeed, the words of the Psalms summarizes what I am experiencing, it explains why I am happy and very much disposed to the formation. It is no longer just a matter of showing up. My motivation has switched to the simplest explanation I could ever give - kung hindi Diyos ang nangunguna sa buhay ko, walang kwenta ang lahat ng mga ginagawa ko. Kung hindi Diyos ang unang kumikilos sa puso ko, walang silbi ang pamamalagi ko dito sa seminaryo.

Lord, remind me always that I am Your beloved.