The Month of May

There is something about this time of year.  The fresh air, rainstorms, blossoming flowers and the days starting to warm up.  Mother's Day is right around the corner and Summer is beginning here in Texas.    

A year ago, I was nearing my due date with Carter.  Excited and nervous about the end of my pregnancy with him and ready to meet my son.  Wondering if we would truly have our little boy at the end of a torturous 9 months.  Crying, healthy and in my arms.

Two years ago, I was celebrating my first Mother's day and anxiously awaiting our big 19 week anatomy scan to find out whether Natalie would have a brother or sister.  I was on top of the world watching our young daughter grow up and happily pregnant with her sibling to complete our family.   I was unaware of the devastation that would soon follow and the very different path my life was about to take.

May is a bittersweet month with the extreme memories that it holds. A 'birth' of a tiny baby who  would never take a breath and the birth of a happy and healthy baby who I get to watch grow up everyday.  Two boys. Two very different lives. 

May comes as a reminder.  A reminder to cherish what I have.  Love, family, friends and good health.

A reminder that not all lives are long.  Some end far too soon. So for those of us who still breathe life, a reminder to enjoy all that life has to offer.

A reminder that there will always be unfairness and hard things that happen in our lives.  Longing, heartbreak and despair will follow. For days, weeks, months.  But they are survivable.   They can strengthen or crumble you.   

And a reminder that beauty exists everywhere.  We just have to look.

 

These days there is less wondering, what ifs, sorrow and pain.  There will always be a place in my heart where the short time I had with Oliver resides.  While there were few weeks that his heart beat and his tiny body resided within mine,  the love of a mother, the sadness because I never knew him and the lessons his short life taught me will always be a part of my very being.  My change in perspective and life because of him is something I reflect on constantly.

I try hard to be grateful everyday.  But I still get caught up in life and take things for granted.   I'm pretty sure that is just being human. You can't possibly love every single moment of everyday. But this month.  The month of May, I will work harder to remember what I have been given.  The beauty that has touched my life.  The lessons that have shaped my life.  And the true love that I have felt as a mother. Not just to two, but three babies.

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A Broken Arm and the Beginning of Spring

The one thing you quickly realize as a parent is you can't protect your children from everything.  As hard as I try to keep my kids in a protective bubble while still giving them freedom to be a kid, there will always be slips and falls.  And Natalie had just that.  A simple fall that 99% of the time wouldn't have even resulted in tears, but this time she broke her arm.  A buckle fracture in the ulna and radius.  Those two bones in your forearm.

After a Doctor's appointment and X-ray we finally saw the pediatric orthopedic for the cast.  She was amazing during the entire process.  Her usual calm and collected self.  She thought the x-ray machine or 'big camera' was pretty nifty and picked out the color purple all by herself for her cast.   She studied the cast technician the entire time as he wrapped her arm. She was never scared and if anything at the end of the process she thought it was pretty great to have a large purple band aid of sorts that friends and family could sign.

I've learned that I can't protect her from everything and that is terrifying.  I am a controlling person.  I will fully admit that.  And that makes it very difficult to watch your children grow up.  I wish I could take every injury, illness and hardship on myself so they would never have to know the pain.  But then you could argue they would never be ready for the ups and downs of life.  They wouldn't know that life gets messy and our bodies, minds and hearts are fragile.  I suppose I can only protect them to the best of my ability and help guide them through this joyous yet tumultuous journey.

 
Spring is blooming here and I realized this is the first spring in three years that I'm not pregnant.  It is a little strange to be able to enjoy the beautiful weather without waddling around or feeling nauseous.  And this spring is shaping up to be a beautiful one.  With wildflowers galore.  We went out today on the hunt for the perfect patch of wildflowers and I think we came across a pretty good one.  I adore these photos of the kids in the field of yellow.  Natalie has become a little model and can be bribed to take photos. :)  She usually gives me her cheesy grin when I tell her to look at the camera, but she warms up and I'm able to capture her true smile.  The field was great because it was right next to a grassy park, so we didn't have to venture into the flowers risking ant or even snake encounters.  Plus Carter would have been devoured by the flowers since he can't stand yet.  He enjoyed sitting and watching and really wanted to put every piece of grass in his mouth.  Luckily he can be distracted with my keys or lens cap.  I can't wait for the rest of the wildflowers to bloom!

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9 months

Carter is 9 months old!  He had his well check today and is 19.9 lbs and 30 inches long.  Still in the 94% for height!  Wondering if he is going to stay long and lean.  He is healthy and on track.

He is a crawling machine.  He chases after Natalie and follows me all day long.  He doesn't really adventure around the house a whole lot.  He really prefers to stay around people.  He loves to chase after the cats though.  He babbles all the time and my favorite thing is when Natalie and Carter copy one another.  Natalie likes to be his second mother.

He is better sleeping through the night!  Waking up early (between 5-6) but no crying in the middle of the night.  We did let him put himself back to sleep a couple nights after knowing he was dry with a full tummy and that has helped immensely.  It was heartbreaking and difficult knowing if that was the right thing to do, but so far he is putting himself back to sleep if he stirs and sleeps for 10-11 hours at night. Fingers crossed that he continues his good sleep habits.

I can't believe he is only a few months away from his first birthday!  As we near his first birthday, I get sad to move further away from the baby stage.  And with that comes being weaned.

I know there is no hard and fast rule about having to be weaned at a year and if anything I'm pretty sure he is not going to wean himself like his sister.  I will work on get him down to before bed after his first birthday and go from there.  While a part of me is looking forward to having my body back after years of pregnancy and breastfeeding, I'm having a hard time being done.  Being done providing for my babies.  Never smelling that sweet breath.  Never laying next to him as he falls asleep eating and cuddled close to me. 

I feel so lucky that I've been able to nurse both of my kids.  Nursing has certainly had its challenges.  Espeically that first month. It is painful, frustrating and exhausting. Although some of that is just motherhood in general. :)  No one prepares you for bleeding and cracked nipples and the frustration of wondering 'Is he getting enough?'  But I never had any latch or supply issues and I've always reached a point with both of my kids where it becomes the most natural thing.  It is easy and feels right.  I like that I have to take the time to sit quietly with a content baby.  Sure there are times at 5am I wonder why I am the only one that can feed him, but it is something that only I get to provide.  And that has always been worth it to me.  Maybe I like that Carter wants me for that contentment and nourishment.  And I feel proud that my body carried and grew a healthy baby and continues to provide sustenance 9 months later.   I will always be thankful for this time.

The weather is warming up around here and Spring feels just around the corner.  I'm looking forward to these beautiful months here and preparing for 2 birthdays before the beginning of summer.  I can't believe it will be Carter's 1st birthday and Natalie's 3rd.  Life is good.

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