too tired for a title.

 4.5 years.

That's how long it's been since I have been in and written in this space. Even longer since I have written here on a regular basis.

This was my corner of the internet where I felt safe to say all the words. The right ones, the wrong ones. All of the words I was unsure of. They felt safe here because this space was mine.

I suppose it still is.

We used to get emails back in the day for the blogs that we subscribed to. It's been so long since I've been a part of the blog world that I have no idea if that is still what happens. Will the friends who used to show up here get an email that I've posted?

Part of me hopes no. haha.

Part of me would just like this space for myself only, yet the other part of me loved this space for the community, the friends I made and love.

I've taken some time away from social media. Instagram and Facebook are places that I enjoy reading and sharing, but during this time of my life I am struggling to read or share anything.

I had a friend call awhile back and ask why I hadn't reached out. I rarely, almost never talk to this friend and here they were asking why I hadn't been making effort.

To be honest, I haven't reached out much to anyone lately. Not just lately. For several months. Life is hard and I am hurting and struggling in a way I never have before and I feel alone in many aspects of it.

Since I haven't been in this space for so long I have not shared here that for over two years we had pigs on the farm. Pigs I loved, bred, raised, and loved some more. And then it got to be too much and I sold them all save one who will feed us this summer. I traveled literally across the United States, driving over 6000 miles to deliver pigs to other farmers. Leaving a piece of myself in each state that I dropped off a piglet. I have been trying to come to terms with them being gone, with the time that I had them, and it has been nearly five months.

Once the pigs were sold I decided to follow a dream I've had for over 23 years and I got my real estate license. I don't believe there could be a worse time to get in real estate. It's only been a couple of months, but I haven't listed or sold anything and I find myself so discouraged and wondering if I made a terrible personal and financial mistake. 

On top of this, I have two teenage daughters and I really probably don't need to say anything more than that. If you have or have had a teenager, you understand.

They are the reason I wake each day and the reason I have been on my knees in prayer more than ever before. I love them more than life, yet feel they are sucking it right out of me most hours of the day. 

I truly feel some days I will not make it through a day. Sometimes I don't want to.

Sometimes the days feel like they are absolutely too much. I often ask the Lord to just let me continue sleeping, to not wake up. Please take me home.

This is why I haven't reached out to people maybe as often as they are used to me doing so. I have nothing in me. I don't have the energy; physically or emotionally. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give. If not for going into the office a few days a week, I may not even get dressed or get out of bed. And if you know me, this is not my norm. My norm is getting fully dressed as soon as I get out of bed. All blinds and curtains open immediately.  But not lately.

I have been a person who has shown up and given all of myself, often times more than I should have, and it has cost me. Dearly. Right now feels a little like I'm trying to protect myself, my family, and the bit of peace I'm trying to cultivate in our home and in our lives.

Most days I feel like it's not going well, but I will not quit. The enemy has continually tried to defeat my family, especially lately, but he can't. He may discourage me, but he will not defeat me. The Lord is good and has given me friends who have come alongside me and keep me encouraged. Hopeful.

I may return to social media. I may just start writing here again to get out all the words. I miss my people and sharing my life but I have always shared the good and the bad of, but right now feels too hard, too personal to share in many ways. Not all of it is my story to share. 

Trying to remind myself that the Lord does not allow our pain to be wasted and one day I may be able to share my heart and hurt with someone else who needs to see that Lord always brings us out of trial.

I'm just waiting for Him to bring me out of my trial.

washing machine drama

currently i want to scream.

i already did, actually.  but it didn't help.

one of my children overloaded the washing machine causing it to flood our basement.  the basement that has new drywall.

so my heart hurts.

and i'm angry.

said child knows.  she knows too much was put in the washer but she's claiming ignorance.

normally i would call the husband and lament to him over this, but he's busy.  he's at work.  and it's my job to take care of the homefront. maybe i'll tell him next week when he's less busy.  if he's less busy next week.

life has been going really well the last month and a half, and super well the last week.  i should have expected to be hit with something sucky.

i have so many words inside.  and this place seemed safe-ish to get some of them out.  my own little corner of the internet.  my own little corner with its cobwebs and dust.  poor, neglected blog.

well, hi there.

I started a new blog a coupla years ago.  Or so.  I don't know when I started it, I just know I've not kept up on it.  Kinda like how this blog ended up being toward the end.

I wish over the last few years that I had done better journaling our lives.  But a lot of the last few years I'd kinda just like to forget too, so I guess there's no winning.

It's so weird to just open this page and start writing and think that I can just pick up where I left off, but I don't know if it really works that way.

I could try.

My girls are big.  Rather, they are old.  12 and nine.  I'm not even sure how that is possible since the 12 year old was only a year old when I started this blog.  How crazy is that?  Time is moving so fast, and honestly, I'm a little panicky over it.  I love these ages that they are, but I'm constantly reminded that I only have a few short years left with them at home.  That breaks my mama heart.  Then what do I do?!

I have plans for when they are older, and no longer need me to school them each day.  I have things I'd like to do when I have more time.  Sometimes I want to do those things now and will find myself discouraged that I don't get to do life the way I want until they are grown.  Yet other times I'm terrified for them to leave, because they are my entire world.

School looks different for us this year.  We joined a new co-op.  One that helps keep me accountable, one that is a little more structured.  It has been a great choice for our family.  Our school days are long, but they are productive.  I have really been enjoying my time with the girls each day as we get school done.

Josh is busy as ever.  Well, maybe not last week, but in general.  For the overtime they pay him, they could get a part time employee.  He loves his job, and never complains about heading into work.  I suppose I complain enough for two people.  Some days I just really miss him being home at a normal hour.

About seven years ago I started trying to live a more active lifestyle; I started with running, then yoga, and biking.  But found running to be the preferred exercise of choice, mostly because in 30 minutes of running, I've put in what it takes me 3 hours to do on a bike.  In about seven months time I lost about 30 lbs.  I maintained that weight for about 5.5 years.  However, this last year has been harder than most, and I found it hard to get out the door to run.  Some days I found it hard just to get out of bed.  Over the last year and a half I have gained back 25 of the 30 lbs I lost.  Insert all the eye roll emojis.  I've been extremely disappointed in myself, complaining about it, and not doing anything about it.  I've been highly annoying to my husband, and the couple of people I confide in about this.

I'm not sure what switched over the last week, but I've worked out six of the last seven days.  Getting up about 5 AM each day.  These last six days I have felt better than I have in over a year.  I start to get so frustrated with myself, wondering why I've let myself get this way, fat and unhappy.  But Josh is quick to remind me to look forward instead of behind, so that is what I'm determined to do.  I know I can lose this weight again.  I know I can be a runner again.  I am choosing to commit to my health. 

Emotional and physical.

Feels good to write some words.  Let's see if I can write more someday soon.

New Location, Same Poor Service.

New blog location.

www.straitjacketmama.wordpress.com

Come hang out.

i'm not cut out for being a working woman

A few weeks back I was offered a temporary (almost) full time janitorial position.

I weighed the pros and cons.  And in the end chose to accept.  It was only three weeks and they agreed to my request of only working those 30 hours in three days.  I still had my other 9 hour per week job, and my other cleaning job as well.  Lots of hours.  Lots of cleaning.

And from what I've now learned.  Little sleep.

I wake at 1:45 AM and am out the door by 2:10 and am at work at 3:00.  I work for 8-10 hours vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, sweeping, mopping, folding laundry, washing coffee pots, and dumping lots of trash.

I do not have to deal with too many people, and those I do, are pleasant.  But by the end of my work day I am fried.

I thought I knew what tired was.  For crying out loud I had a baby that didn't sleep for nearly two years, I have known tired.

But that tired didn't cause me to run stop signs or forget mid-sentence what I was talking about.  It didn't cause me to sit on my bed and let someone else take my socks and shoes off because I was incapable of doing it myself.

This has been a tired like I've not known.

Mondays have proven hard because though I go to bed at 8:30, I wake up about 11:30 and cannot fall back to sleep.  This means I end up being awake for close to 24 hours before I get to bed.  This is not healthy.  Thursdays are hard too.  I get up at 1:45.  Get to work a little before 3:00, work til about 1:00, drive 45 minutes home, get a few things done around the house, or take a quick cat nap, and then I drive the girls 40 minutes to gymnastics, where I sit in bleachers for two hours.  Two weeks ago I decided to just lie down and sleep there.

Two weeks ago my car wouldn't start after gymnastics.  I was near hysteria.  So tired, no way home, and chatty little girls excited about what they've learned in class.  It was my fuel pump.  The rig had broken down a couple of times in the days before and Josh told me that if I just pounded on the fuel tank, it might start.  So I crawled under my rig, pounded on my fuel tank.  Sat back in my van and pounded on my steering wheel, and then I turned the key.  It started.  I started to calm down, but I still had a 40 minute drive home, and I needed to be up in five hours to go to work.

I got home and collapsed on my bed.  My sweet Alison came in and took my shoes off.  Then my socks.  Then she tucked me in.

This is not how it should be.  I should be taking care of her.  Of all of them.

Tomorrow is my last day.  The weight will soon be lifted.

Though this has been one of the hardest things I've ever taken on, it's been a blessing.  I have a nice chunk of money to buy my girls some fun Christmas presents, and Josh too.  I cannot wait to go shopping this Saturday, cash in hand, buying them fun things that I know they want and will love.

And knowing how hard I worked for these gifts, well, that part feels pretty freaking good.