Occasionally I hear a song that firmly strums every nerve beneath my armor and affords me a moment of clarity to reflect on my existence. The words, alive with haunting melodies, reverberate within me as if I'd physically ingested them. My head buzzes with meditation and contemplation.
I often find myself wishing away the small, uncomfortable moments of my journey. When the weekend comes... when my baby doesn't cry as often... when my husband and I stop bickering... when we buy a house... when things aren't so hectic... when we finally have some extra money. But these tiny, peaceful destinations are rarely reached as they're buried beneath an avalanche of life. So I waste every precious second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, and decade wishing away the moments that compose the majority of my continuation.
I don't create art anymore. And I watch too much TV. I care more about the photo you posted of your dinner than having a stimulating conversation with my husband. My dogs lay on the cool tile at my feet, their muscles growing weaker as their lives also waste away. I didn't spend as much time with you as I should have before you were gone. I am so preoccupied by my anxieties to remember to enjoy this ride.
I want to play and laugh. I want life to tickle me. I want to smile authentically as I actually listen your story. I want to read and learn. I want to have an aura of energy that intoxicates you. I want to kiss my husband without feeling as if intimacy is another chore in my day. I want to hold my tiny daughter and breath in every bit of her pureness. I want to give my baby a sibling without worrying that I won't have the emotional strength to raise another human being. I want to take things a little less seriously. I want to visually absorb every fascinating corner of this earth. I want to write stories of my life and I want to look back on the insignificant moments with fondness. I want to remember you.
Today, the song that distracted my thoughts was 7 Years by Lukas Graham. Even if you don't listen to the song, give the lyrics a read and see if they spur a bit of thought for you, too.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Saturday, April 18, 2015
The finality of death is a pill most struggle to swallow. Whether it be a slow deterioration and the family has time to make peace, or be it sudden and tragic, the minutes, hours and days after that last breath are cutting and unbearable for those left to grieve. Regret is suffocating. Desperation to undue time and redirect the inevitable end is consuming. Sometimes red flags are only recognizable once the clock stops.
For some, maybe the agony, hopelessness, and anxiety is crushing. For some, maybe the only way to halt the internal torture is to turn the lights out and bask in the stillness of nothing. Finally, a bit of peace and quiet. No more turmoil. No more nightmares or fear or panic. Just infinite inaction.
The world lost a beautiful and dedicated man this morning. A man with the gift of laughter and humility and devotion. A man who loved his adoring wife and his admiring children with every last thread of his soul. A man who used his bare hands to fight for the rights of this great country. A man who could no longer keep the demons of his experiences at bay.
My heart is broken for my dear friend and her boys as they struggle to find their footing in the wake of this great tragedy. My words are only words and I don't expect that they'll afford you much comfort, but my entire heart is with you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
A Favorite Rewind
I found this little gem from 2009. I wish I could still put words to paper like this!
I lost my way long before a safe path was revealed. Once my footing became unsteady, I knew I'd never again crave the easy way. I'd prefer a little struggle... to get a little dirty... to learn my lessons in the most difficult fashion. I liked it rough. I enjoyed tasting the blood from my scraped knees and digging the gravel from my torn flesh. The pain made fluffy beds with white sheets, wine and air conditioning more flavorful. Without the struggle of life, ease is hard to swallow.
I gave myself to everyone who needed me. They could have any little piece... my thriving mind, my aching body, my anxious guts. They could kiss my blistered knuckles or sing me to sleep. I would feed the hungry souls of any others lost. At times, I forgot to feed my own.
Emptiness led way to an enthralling compulsion to unearth some sort of new existence. Emptiness created fire damaging enough to devour any prevalent distress. My emptiness forced movement. Once my bare feet began to carry me again, I managed to reach each obstacle that originally held me still.
This time, instead of losing myself to hours and days and years of immobility and fear, I hoisted myself up and allowed my soft skin to hit the ground on the other side. Sore, but accomplished. Bruised, but suddenly aware of inner strength. Exhausted, but fueled by ability.
Each intricate step forward, insignificant as they seem, grew inside of me a new creature. Keen, able, ravishing, absorbed. Completely ready to pave a new alley so those following behind might have one extra option. I hope to provide what you need.
I lost my way long before a safe path was revealed. Once my footing became unsteady, I knew I'd never again crave the easy way. I'd prefer a little struggle... to get a little dirty... to learn my lessons in the most difficult fashion. I liked it rough. I enjoyed tasting the blood from my scraped knees and digging the gravel from my torn flesh. The pain made fluffy beds with white sheets, wine and air conditioning more flavorful. Without the struggle of life, ease is hard to swallow.
I gave myself to everyone who needed me. They could have any little piece... my thriving mind, my aching body, my anxious guts. They could kiss my blistered knuckles or sing me to sleep. I would feed the hungry souls of any others lost. At times, I forgot to feed my own.
Emptiness led way to an enthralling compulsion to unearth some sort of new existence. Emptiness created fire damaging enough to devour any prevalent distress. My emptiness forced movement. Once my bare feet began to carry me again, I managed to reach each obstacle that originally held me still.
This time, instead of losing myself to hours and days and years of immobility and fear, I hoisted myself up and allowed my soft skin to hit the ground on the other side. Sore, but accomplished. Bruised, but suddenly aware of inner strength. Exhausted, but fueled by ability.
Each intricate step forward, insignificant as they seem, grew inside of me a new creature. Keen, able, ravishing, absorbed. Completely ready to pave a new alley so those following behind might have one extra option. I hope to provide what you need.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Three Word Wednesday
I've been inspired...
So I'll play along.
Three Word Wednesday.
This week's words are: Edgy, Iconic, Lithe
The salty water lapped against my ankles as my feet disappeared into the sinking sand. The coarse grains tickled my toes. The breeze fluttered through my tousled locks and flipped strands into my face as I struggled to keep balanced. I let my head to fall back gently, closed my eyes, and exhaled as the sun kiss my cheeks. Lithe, I finally felt. Tranquil.
The week's events left me feeling particularly edgy - filled to the brim with anxieties and frustration. I could feel the toxins settle into my ribs and back. Oh, that pressure. My spine. I need relief.
Your idea to visit the coast was a welcomed thought. I agreed and began gathering my things without hesitation or protest. You'd drive. We'd sing loudly to our favorite songs. The warm, salty air would melt my trepidation and give us the opportunity to reconnect in that iconic, old cottage on the shore.
I forget how good this place feels. The faint calls and whistles of wild parrots. The sweet scent of a damp, salt drenched world. I can taste it on your lips.
Beyond the confines of my concrete existence, the ocean takes with it my angst. Relieved, I let it go.
So I'll play along.
Three Word Wednesday.
This week's words are: Edgy, Iconic, Lithe
The salty water lapped against my ankles as my feet disappeared into the sinking sand. The coarse grains tickled my toes. The breeze fluttered through my tousled locks and flipped strands into my face as I struggled to keep balanced. I let my head to fall back gently, closed my eyes, and exhaled as the sun kiss my cheeks. Lithe, I finally felt. Tranquil.
The week's events left me feeling particularly edgy - filled to the brim with anxieties and frustration. I could feel the toxins settle into my ribs and back. Oh, that pressure. My spine. I need relief.
Your idea to visit the coast was a welcomed thought. I agreed and began gathering my things without hesitation or protest. You'd drive. We'd sing loudly to our favorite songs. The warm, salty air would melt my trepidation and give us the opportunity to reconnect in that iconic, old cottage on the shore.
I forget how good this place feels. The faint calls and whistles of wild parrots. The sweet scent of a damp, salt drenched world. I can taste it on your lips.
Beyond the confines of my concrete existence, the ocean takes with it my angst. Relieved, I let it go.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
A Hidden Gem
The first post of 2013! Happy belated New Year, all!
I commenced 2013 with grand feelings of inspiration and renewal. The calendar's turn over has a way of making me feel purified and cleansed - ready to awaken the creative, dedicated beast that lay just beneath my flesh. There's something about the changing of years that makes me want to move!
Despite the excitement for a year revived, January 1st brought some mildly disappointing news: we didn't get pregnant in December. Though this fertility process can take some time and we have been urged to keep patient, it is still hard news to take. Never-the-less, we got right back in with our doctor and started my third month of Clomid hormone boosters. We'll have good or bad news in about a week and a half. Cross everything you can. :)
To keep us moving forward and excited for the future, hubs and I did a second hike with our good friends. This time we took to the Pu'u Pia mountain trail in Manoa. Woodsy and damp, I drowned myself in bug spray. The mosquitoes here in Hawaii are ruthless and they absolutely LOVE my haole blood.
The trek started off wet and muddy with large notches of mossy roots and rocks. The weather was perfect - no rain and cool enough to keep us comfortable. We quickly put our new waterproof hiking shoes to good use and learned almost immediately that they actually work! A mile up, a mile out, and our socks stayed dry the entire time. Good buy!
We got to the top of the ridge and had a 360 degree view of the valley, the mountain range, and the city. I was proud of us for taking the challenge. Hubs and I are far from ideal health, and I even tweaked my knee on the way back down, but we took the bull by the horns and enoyed our time with great friends. Looking forward to the next one!
I commenced 2013 with grand feelings of inspiration and renewal. The calendar's turn over has a way of making me feel purified and cleansed - ready to awaken the creative, dedicated beast that lay just beneath my flesh. There's something about the changing of years that makes me want to move!
Despite the excitement for a year revived, January 1st brought some mildly disappointing news: we didn't get pregnant in December. Though this fertility process can take some time and we have been urged to keep patient, it is still hard news to take. Never-the-less, we got right back in with our doctor and started my third month of Clomid hormone boosters. We'll have good or bad news in about a week and a half. Cross everything you can. :)
To keep us moving forward and excited for the future, hubs and I did a second hike with our good friends. This time we took to the Pu'u Pia mountain trail in Manoa. Woodsy and damp, I drowned myself in bug spray. The mosquitoes here in Hawaii are ruthless and they absolutely LOVE my haole blood.
 |
| Bleh - a centipede. |
 |
| Look closely... a HUGE beehive hidden among the tree trunks. |
The trek started off wet and muddy with large notches of mossy roots and rocks. The weather was perfect - no rain and cool enough to keep us comfortable. We quickly put our new waterproof hiking shoes to good use and learned almost immediately that they actually work! A mile up, a mile out, and our socks stayed dry the entire time. Good buy!
We got to the top of the ridge and had a 360 degree view of the valley, the mountain range, and the city. I was proud of us for taking the challenge. Hubs and I are far from ideal health, and I even tweaked my knee on the way back down, but we took the bull by the horns and enoyed our time with great friends. Looking forward to the next one!
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So beautiful
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| City of Honolulu |
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Over the Horizon
I am lucky to live in a place that houses some of the most beautifully scenic hikes and trails. Hubby and I have been talking about becoming avid hikers for more than a year now, with absolutely no follow through. So last night we decided to take the plunge and did the beginners hike up to the Makapu'u Point light house to watch the full moon rise out of the ocean with two of our most favorite people. What an experience!
The trail was a 1-mile paved, uphill pathway with several magnificent look outs. My cardiovascular health and stamina is nearly non-existent, so I took the opportunity to catch my breath each time we stopped to snap a picture. Though we're sitting below a layer of vog created by the volcano on the Big Island, the haze seemed to amplify the radiance of the sunset and moon rise.
Getting near the top, we encountered an entire patch of cactus much like what you'd see in the desert on the mainland but like nothing I'd yet seen here. If it weren't for the backdrop of ocean, I could have easily transplanted myself to California.
As we reached the end of the hike and the top of the mountain, I realized why the walk was so special. View of the still and stoic light house, the deep blue ocean channels and the sun setting behind the mountain.
Before the sun set, we headed back down the trail slightly to an old WWII bunker we passed on the way up. It was the perfect spot to await the moon and celebrate our hike with good friends and a bit of red wine.
Unfortunately, we lack a high powered camera, so the pictures of the moon rising out of the ocean through the vog are only as good as our basic cameras would allow, but it is better than nothing! Just before we expected the moon to peek up from the horizon, a helicopter came flying over the spine of the mountain just behind us and landed atop the ridge. It was pretty intense to have it come so close!
And then... the moon.
It. Was. Breathtaking.
I am looking forward to doing many more hikes with by husband and close friends in 2013 and to seeing more spectacular scenes! This was certainly a highlight of the week.
The trail was a 1-mile paved, uphill pathway with several magnificent look outs. My cardiovascular health and stamina is nearly non-existent, so I took the opportunity to catch my breath each time we stopped to snap a picture. Though we're sitting below a layer of vog created by the volcano on the Big Island, the haze seemed to amplify the radiance of the sunset and moon rise.
Getting near the top, we encountered an entire patch of cactus much like what you'd see in the desert on the mainland but like nothing I'd yet seen here. If it weren't for the backdrop of ocean, I could have easily transplanted myself to California.
As we reached the end of the hike and the top of the mountain, I realized why the walk was so special. View of the still and stoic light house, the deep blue ocean channels and the sun setting behind the mountain.
Before the sun set, we headed back down the trail slightly to an old WWII bunker we passed on the way up. It was the perfect spot to await the moon and celebrate our hike with good friends and a bit of red wine.
Unfortunately, we lack a high powered camera, so the pictures of the moon rising out of the ocean through the vog are only as good as our basic cameras would allow, but it is better than nothing! Just before we expected the moon to peek up from the horizon, a helicopter came flying over the spine of the mountain just behind us and landed atop the ridge. It was pretty intense to have it come so close!
And then... the moon.
It. Was. Breathtaking.
I am looking forward to doing many more hikes with by husband and close friends in 2013 and to seeing more spectacular scenes! This was certainly a highlight of the week.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
A Hawaiian Christmas
Merry Christmas, my lovelies!
Ah, what a glorious Christmas it has been, though completely non-traditional from anything I'm used to. I found that basking in the magic of Christmas and creating new traditions without the presence of little ones (yet) is actually quite difficult. I made a decision this year, however, to enjoy the fruit of this holiday as if I were a child. Christmas time in Downtown Honolulu is really quite spectacular. Many of the big buildings set up displays along the roadway and line their ancient trees in lights. There's even a huge annual display where Santa rolls his red pants up to his knees so he can soak his feet in a pool. Only in Hawaii.
Sunday brought the first of two family gatherings to celebrate the holiday. We enjoyed a house full of laughter, a Christmas meal complete with local Hawaiian food, and piano played by one of the oldest members of the family. The cousins reminisced about growing up in this old house with their Tutu and playing on this big hill. My father-in-law, who is 80 and has had his share of health issues the last few months, even spent the day in the living room visiting with family talking about old times. I'm thankful everyone was able to come together for what will likely be the last Christmas this old house sees. The salt air, tropical rains, termites and ground erosion has weakened the foundation and structure, so we'll be tearing it down this year to rebuild.
Christmas Eve came with a sense of homesickness. My California family has had a Christmas Eve tradition since I was a little kid, that I've missed terribly since I moved to Honolulu last year. I lost a portion of my day to feeling a bit lost and anxious. I thought about all of the years we spent together on the Eve and how much I miss those times as a kid. It really hasn't been the same since our family's patriarch, my grandfather, passed away in 2007, but it's a tradition we always upheld. In an effort to create new traditions with my husband and to fill a small, empty space in my heart, we decided to drive the city looking at Christmas lights. We had hot soup for dinner and got some hot chocolate for our drive. When we got home, I put myself right in to the kitchen to whip up a batch of cookies for Santa. While I wait for what I hope will be good news in a few weeks, I figured it might be fun. When I woke up, only a few crumbs remained.
Christmas came with more family and food, and with some absolutely stunning gifts! My husband got underwear (you're welcome, babe), while I was spoiled rotten with a beautiful Tiffany's ring from my best friend, and a pair of diamond earrings from my mother-in-law. I was shocked and so incredibly thankful. I spent some time Skyping with my family and friends which made the distance a bit shorter.
My father-in-law has twice now said that he'd like to buy me a gun, which would be another phenomenal gift. I absolutely LOVE to shoot, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good shot! Though I've done some shooting in the past, I've never owned my own gun. I'm pretty in love with this 8-rounder Smith & Wesson 357 revolver. What a beauty! While this would be mostly for target practice and to learn the basics of the tool, it would also be for home protection. So stay the fuck out of my living room unannounced in the middle of the night... aight?
I am still adjusting to my new life on the island, and while it can leave me longing for those I'm close to, it's a lot of fun to create my own traditions with my husband and my in-laws and to think about all of the wonderful things this beautiful place has to offer during the holidays. Less than a week away from the start of a new year which will be, I'm confident, the best year yet.
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