I'll be back

Firstly: the Spousal Unit is fine. Kidney are easily fixed, it seems.
I've just woken from a post-Christmas lunch coma nap and am feeling as though I've been hit by a truck, but in a good way! I did it. I pulled it off. There was more and more stuff that kept piling up and piling up, and I kept lifting and lifting and finding stuff in the tank somewhere and getting it done. We could leave for holidays an hour from now if we had to (we don't). Go me.
I doubt I'll be posting while we're away. I have some good plans for when we get back that I'm quite looking forward to putting into place.
Take care darls

a tip for stress eaters

This week has been a bit of a strain. Lots of stupid stuff. I got home from the Spousal Unit's hospital in Melbourne (what a ridiculous saga it was to get him there, don't get me started) last night after five days, we hope the Spousal Unit will be home on Saturday, and we leave for Italy for 3 weeks on Monday. #firstworldproblems, no? Yet still quite trying.
If you are, as I am, a stress eater, might I recommend the purchase of a bag of unshelled pistachio nuts? Yummy and you can't shovel them in by the handful. LBTEPA For The Win!

Christmas blessings to you! Stay safe and hug your loved ones!

stay the path

I read this the other day. The writer is the coach of my friend the Mighty Tea whose givng nature and indefatigable attitude to life is a gift to those lucky enough to know her, even if not yet in real life! Anyway, this post resonated with me.
You can't have your fitness the way it was
You can't have it easily
You can't have it right now.
But keep working and you will have it

I must get myself one of these....

How are your Christmas plans going? We're in cheery, tinsel-laden full swing here - just waiting for some bloody summer to decide to arrive! I'm wearing shorts anyway. Cede Nullis!
More anon, tree-huggers!

go me

Small wins, people, small wins. That's what it's about. It's when you realise that what with punching on with doctors and specialists and social workers and the department of human services and your brother and having painful conversations with your mum who is a bit shattered at having to put your (unpleasant uncooperative) dad into a home, which will mean selling hers (aka LIFE), you've been downing a few sherbies every night....and then you just stop. Four nights ago. Soda an lime, mmmmm.
It's when you realise that what with the above you've got on the get up-work-look after the family-look after mum-worry-sleep badly treadmill and you're sore and stiff and feeling soft and weak....and then one day you get up and muck around on the exercise ball and do your theraband drills and roll on the roller and lift a few weights. Creaky is a choice. Not mine. Not today
More anon, sparklers!

nobody here but us baubles

It's been quite a few months since the LBTEPA Everlasting Chest Infection of Doom has wandered in, so I am focusing on having had a winter free of it, rather than the fact that it currently Just Won't Piss Off, (it pretends it's going to, and then sneaks back, bastard) which is inconvenient and disappointing. I try to have as few antibiotics as possible, but I've had to crack open the horse pills again, bugger it. They're working, which a)gets me off the guilty shoulda cured it with turmeric you pathetic big pharma addict hook (hahahahaha I just typed 'big parma addict, which is actually close to the truth!) and b) means I can work AND sleep AND exercise, yay!!!

Being An Athlete makes these times so much easier! I wish I'd thought of this years ago! I can monitor my posture, and my water and veggie intake, and walk however far the lurgi-raddled lungs will permit. I've had to miss the last 2 mini tris which is a bugger. Oh well.
I'm reading a brilliant book at the moment - F*ck Feelings! It's totally up my street - all about getting real about what shit is actually in your life, doing something about the stuff you can, and DOING YOUR VALUE-DRIVEN, NON-WHINGEING BEST WITH THE STUFF YOU CAN'T. I think it's my favourite book ever (but I'm fickle)
It's Noddie's dance concert this weekend, which will be a treat now she is at such a chilled school. No drama...bliss... I'm getting very excited about Christmas too.... How about you?
More anon, seasonal greeters!

Evidence

I like this picture so much

It's from this effbee post,
 https://www.facebook.com/blockedbypete/photos/a.1508623146067119.1073741828.1508618869400880/1769017513361013/?type=3
with which I am also enamoured, containing as it does absolutely no effing judgmental oversimplifications.
I'm loving Being an Athlete. This weekend I have had a tap dancing lesson from Noddie, which will never be on y0utube, thank goodness, and also walked home along the river with her from the Sunday market. That's what fits in with LIFE at the 'mo. It's all good!
More anon, paradigm-shifters!

do what you wanna do be what you wanna be yeah

It's been a quiet week here at Lake LBTEPA...not. Noddie turned 13!!!!! I don't know, turn around for a second and your kid grows up!

(that's her on the left. The rather astoundingly tall one)

She is becoming a wonderful young person, chockers with heart and brains and guts. The shift to another dance school where they know the difference between 'tough love' and harshness has been great for her and is totally worth the considerable extra drive time.
I'm spending a lot of time shouting at "discussing things" with people whose mission in life appears to be making my poor Mum's goal of getting my Dad into care before his personality/cognitive issues bankrupt them as difficult as possible. Let's not even mention the local hospital's "if you're polite, helpful and competent you can piss off" hiring policy. Bastards.
But I digress.
My five faithful readers will be happy to know that the LBTEPA thyroid is now getting the right amount of medication and is on the mend. It's been bung for decades, poor thing, and I really should take better care of it. Another thing to add to 'project adulting'. Energy and good cheer are now available on tap, as opposed to summoned by force of will! It's good.
I realised the other day that I've been going about my health and fitness completely arse backwards. I've been perceiving it in terms of 'doing' things (races, tris, goals), which has led to a focus on what I can't do - the huge gap and the innumerable obstacles between Here and There. Daunting? Discouraging? Oh yes!
But then it occurred to me - I need to BE before I DO. I am an athlete. I need to BE an athlete. So the question is, how to be an athlete, no matter what's going on in LIFE?
An athlete:
- mightn't (because of LIFE) necessarily have a goal (although she mostly prefers to have one) and can be (sort of) ok with that
- thinks about what she eats. She minimises comfort eating and sees food as fuel+enjoyment
- doesn't equate weight with 'success'
- thinks about her posture
- focuses on the enjoyment of movement
- doesn't waste time guilt-tripping
- doesn't waste time comparing herself with others OR her former self
- sets things up so it's easier to exercise than not
- seeks to get stronger and stronger
- keeps tweaking things and Finding A Way
- does what she can, when she can.
- catches herself making excuses and calls bullshit on them
- just keeps moving
Now to print this out for the fridge so I can memorise it.....

More anon, groovers!

Spread the love

This is for anyone who's needing one today

Adulting

The other day I was a bit off colour and since I had to organise my pap smear as well, because I'm such an adult, I popped in to visit the GP. We also organised all the blood tests that you have to have to stay in tip-top nick if you're a proper adult...including my thyroid, which has been exceptionally dodgy for over twenty years...and which I hadn't had checked for over two years #epicadultingfail.
Let's just say the normal range of thyroid simulating hormone (the stuff that kickstarts the thyroid) is usually 3-5 and mine was 75 and leave it at that, shall we? Given that the thyroid affects mood, energy and weight, I am in the running for Prize Nong of 2016. Oh well. I've always said that if you can't be a good example be a dire warning! Keep up with your blood tests, people!

More anon, fabulistas!

The two weeks that fixed my life #2

So, the next week: the week I walked 21.1km about an hour faster than I expected, and rode that mojo all the way through the Fear Wall.
I really only did the half mara becuase I couldn't get a refund on the hotel - I'd been away from home for five weekends in a row and I wasn't expecting anything much. I was just happy I could be out there and re-visit the MCG and get some bling. I like bling.
It was fun to go through all the nutrition and hydration plans of My Old Life. I was grateful to be certain I could walk that far. I woke up feeling good, and I decided the approach would be 'not comfortable'. If I felt comfortable, I had to go harder. I was so pleased that I could hold my concentration and my pace - kms were consistent to 5sec except for when I had to make my way through 5000 5km runners coming through the course in the opposite direction, but let's not go there - and I felt happy that I was strong enough to sweat it up for hour after hour. Fight Song came on the 1p0d and I got a bit teary - f*** you injuries and weight gain and bereavements and f*** you always feeling overwhelmed and f*** you depression - I thought you took EVERYTHING. But not so! I'm still REALLY STRONG and this is A GREAT DAY.
I didn't wear a watch, so I was utterly gobsmacked and beyond thrilled to see 3.39 on the clock - I'd been expecting well over four hours! Stupid Determination IS a substitute for training! My finish line videos and photos show this crazy grinning person who looks like Dumbo crossed with the Tin Man but they're clearly wrong - I was floating. I was a f***ing superhero. I was SO HAPPY.
Gosh I felt sorry for the chick who had to sit next to me on the bus on the way home. Unless she liked sweaty snoring.

The spell of the bling was obviously upon me when I decided to ride this wave of mojo all the way into the beach and take on the Scariest Thing In The World - I told effbee I was going to do the local mini-tri! Without going into too much detail,  even thinking about these events has been an abyss of fear, shame, and sadness for me. After I posted that I was going, I nearly cried. I felt sick all day. I nearly made myself late but The Spousal Unit was across that and had my bike and my bag on the verandah ready for me. I rode off, wishing I could get lost (it's 2km from my house) or forget how to ride or something.
Of course it was fine! Lots of people I knew were there, and seemed genuinely pleased to see me. They were not the hateful tormentors of yore. It was quite fun! The bike felt much better than I expected. My approach to the (ahem) "run" (equal counts walk/run) was 'stay uncomfortable'. No excuses. No extra walks. It's not far. I was a little bit distracted by kind Jacinta (is this your very first tri?) but she was being friendly and ran most of the way with me.
Last Wednesday I broke out of the prison of my own fearful thoughts and I'm never going back there.

More anon, sparklers!

The two weeks that fixed my life #1

Two weeks in October 2016 will go down in (my personal) history as The Weeks That Fixed My Life. They Changed Everything. The first was, of course, the week my darling Bulldogs Won The Big One and re-wrote my life story. The second was last week, when I had the Second Best Day Ever walking a half marathon and then four days later crashed through all my fears like an action hero through sugar glass.
 This article sums it all up beautifully I think - especially first few paragraphs
Sixty-two years of misery told every Bulldogs fan that the ball was going to bounce left. For so long, failure was a desert, and hope was a series of poisoned oases........ for more than half a century the team’s lone identity was failure...... And more than anything, the Bulldogs lost. They lost games, seasons and players, they lost the competition’s respect, and they lost hope.......... Why did Tony Liberatore’s match-sealing goal get called a behind in the ’97 preliminary final? Why did Chris Grant poll the most votes in the Brownlow medal that same year when he was ineligible? The same simple reason: because bad things happen to the Bulldogs.....
If you grow up in a family/micro culture where your team is your tribe, this stuff shapes you. You learn that loyalty is all you have. Success and delight are for other clubs. You get really, really sick of 'the glory of struggle', but there's nothing else to do. I don't think anyone gets 'good' at disappointment. You get good at being resigned, and forcedly lowering your expectations, and loving your club even though they're crap, and at being quietly BITTER.  It seeps into other areas of your life. I'm always quite surprised (and absolutely delighted) when things I've worked for go well. It's  difficult and scary to Dream Big - and then when you've had a rough-ish spell over a few years, you almost forget how.
On the converse, however, if you are clever, you learn to notice and be very grateful and happy about very little things, which is a wonderful tool for a happy life! So there you go!
And another thing: people feel sorry for you when you follow the Bulldogs. I utterly LOATHE being felt sorry for. It's one of the reasons it's been very hard to return to racing as a fat person. If you kindly tell me that the Bulldogs are your 'second team', I secretly hate you (probably).
I plan and prepare and work hard and maybe don't aim as high as I should, because I have never had any reason to expect things to happen just because I want them to. They. Never. Ever. Do.
UNTIL NOW!!!!

We are the Champions, my friend! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!
As Captain Bob Our Spiritual Advisor wrote : the Western Bulldogs are ...a family. But like all families there is pain, hurt and damage done from the hard years. Too many hard years. All of a sudden, so many years of heartbreak and longing...are behind us. The sunshine....has broken through the clouds, warming the faces of the clan.
Oh, how good it is to be in the sun!  This all sounds utterly stupid, I realise, and it is, but the world changed when we won. It changed forever! The siren went, and the huge roar vibrated through the mass of the MCG and through our bones, and somehow, like some corny fairytale movie, life was different for the tens of thousands of loyal, brave, not-very-hopeful, elated-beyond-measure diehard Doggies who'd dared to show up in case the unbelievable happened. Sometimes things do go our way. Who knew?
PS  I KNOW, I KNOW #firstworldproblem!!! But this is my blog and it's where I reflect on my little world.
*takes short break to watch the last three minutes of the game again*

focus

I could focus on the fact that I'm no closer to fitness than I was several months ago - but not much further away from it either, I suppose, so there's that - and have done very very little training, and my foot hasn't really settled down properly blah blah blah blah. Instead, I'm focusing on the fact that I have no doubt that I will be able to walk 21.1 km on Sunday at the Melbourne Marathon. That's a Very Good Thing. So that's what I'll be doing. See you on the other side with the bling! More anon, amblers!

Bend it like Noddie

During our recent somewhat traumatic week at the eisteddfodau, during which we came to the conclusion that not only would Noddie no longer dance with her Idon'tthinkferalistoostrongaword duo partner, but also that we would remove her from the dance school altogether and take her to one in another town - blatant favouritism disgusts me, AND I know the difference between 'tough love' and actual damaging ABUSE even if her teacher doesn't don'tgetmestartedthewomanisafuckingmenace - Noddie and I began a routine of daily stretching together. By 'stretching together', do picture a lithe 12yo dancer blithely impersonating our green friend above, and by her side her creaky overweight middle-aged mum bitching about the pain, the pain..... but we do it nearly every day, and it's sort of fun.  It's certainly doing me good. It's probably some kind of bonding thing too, and you're meant to do that with your kids, I hear.
My next post may be a reflection on how my darling Bulldogs' Grand final win will change my life. How does one approach living when chronic disappointment and existential pessimism is no longer a valid world-view??

 More anon, woof woof woofers!!

September - epic fail

I can't really say I've been 'fixing my life' or 'doing everything better' this month. It's all fallen in a rather unimpressive heap, to be honest. But there you go. Part of the road back is learning to maintain focus when life gets noisy.  There's still a bit of September to go. Cede nullis is my motto! Yield to none!

More anon, dogfighters!

Sunday by the river

I was a teeny bit disappointed to note on gmap pedometer that my 10k walk was actually 9.3k, but still, I did it about 15min faster than two weeks ago!!!, including a substantial loo break and the effects of a few injudicious sherbies while watching Pirates of the Caribbean last night.

 I let the 1p0d set the pace, adding 30s run at the end of each song - but get this! I ran non-stop for two full songs at the end! More than six minutes! By mistake this was, I thought I was closer to the car than I actually was, but once I'd got started I wasn't stopping, no no no no no no. It's a long time since I've had the nerve (or the wind) to do that. Woot!
More anon, treasure hunters!

how it will always be

Alas it has not been a quiet week at Lake LBTEPA. Last week my dad was rushed to hospital with an episode of delirium (still there, home tomorrow probably), which has led to the discovery of some clear indications of ongoing extremely poor judgment, so Mum and I have been catapulted pell-mell into the world of daily morning doctor chases, arguments with bitch-faced bank tellers, and the daunting organising of post-acute care arrangements, carer's allowances, support services, and powers-of-attorney.
All close enough to sorted now so I think Mum will be ok.
However - see, I do get to the point eventually! - I was thinking that I wish I could get a clear run with no dramas so I can really bed down my eating and exercise habits. They're hanging in there with only a few wobbles, I'm happy to say, but not as consistently as I would ideally like.
*sad face*
Then it occurred to me that THIS IS HOW IT WILL ALWAYS BE. LIFE HAS DRAMAS. Exercise and good eating can't only happen when things are going well!!!!  Just writing that makes me want to smack myself upside of the head. How freakin' obvious. LBTEPA you are an idiot.
Oh well.
I think I have to do with a bit less sleep. I'm tending to wake very early in a bit of a worrywash, then doze and tell myself I'll get up when J gets up at 6, whereupon I fall so deeply asleep that I don't hear him go and don't wake until it's time to get into the business of the day. I think I'm going to have to get up at 6 no matter what. The thing that is working is the meal planning - I write a list of what we're going to eat, and then a shopping list, so when I get home the Spousal Unit has been able to make an approximation of what I'd like, rather than his default fried-with-cheese. Oh the conflicts this weekend half-hour has prevented! Project '4 alcohol-free-days or pay up' is also working well. So that's actually some quite some big changes I'm maintaining. Go me. But it is the LBTEPA way to Aim High, so there will be no resting on these minor laurels.
What are your 'get it done' practices? What works for you so exercise and self-care is embedded in your life?

Happy

Today was d-day as to whether my feet are recovered enough to deal with the extra distance training for the Melbourne half-marathon in October. I walked 10km at 'not comfortable' pace along the river, and it went very well. Very very well! No plantar fascia pain, no achilles niggles, nothing! I am so happy I cannot describe it to you.

I have a great life, and I try to be a cheerful person as a rule - stop laughing! - but this is one of the happiest days I've had this whole year.
More anon, jig-dancers!

A brilliant idea

Hi All! Are you loving the Olympics? Here at Chateau LBTEPA it's All Sport, All The Time right now, and as one having the odd bout of insomnia lately, it's even better as I can watch the 'unexciting' morning events, like the rowing heats, that don't make the highlights packages!
But I digress. I had a brilliant idea last week! I've shared it with the fam and the cheer squad, who have approved of it heartily. As you know, your heroine is (ahem) a little bit prone to excessive permission language when it comes to wine. In short, too many excuses too often. So I have stated publicly that if I have fewer than 3 alcohol-free days each week for the next month, I will donate $150 to either M1chelle Br1dges aka fat-shaming, evidence-free, B1ggest Loser 'coach', or the Minister for Immigration, who, if there is any justice whatsoever in the universe, will rot in hell for his vicious crimes against refugees seeking safety in our country. A bit of an incentive, what? I can see myself building on it as weeks go by....if I don't get up early or skip too many workouts, I have to cough up....but for now I'll stick with loathing as an encouragement to abstinence.
In other news, Noddie taught me an excruciating adductor stretch which appears to have fixed my plantar fascia!!!!! I'm cautiously optimistic, which is much better than forced hopefulness.
I'm also crushing on the rowing machine at the gym. I'm so fickle.

Sorry to be disloyal to the Aussie competitor but I saw this bloke row this morning he is a god.

More anon, salivators cheer squaddies!

this week's motto

Slipping

A week of a lurking cold, far more client hours than normal, low mood, cold weather, niggly foot - this is VERY upsetting and I MUST sort out some strategies for dealing with my emotional responses to it - have produced some Unhelpful Thoughts in the LBTEPA noggin. Along the lines of, I'm tired and gloomy, another day off won't hurt, I slept badly, yes I will have that wine thanks. It's not just me has weeks like this? Well, Captain Picard put it best!

I'll be spinning or walking tonight. Bugger the wind. Everyone goes off track. The trick is noticing, sooner and sooner, and veering back.
More anon, astrolabers!

5, 4, 4, 2,1, 0

5 catch ups with friends
4 walks
4 alcohol-free days

2 bike trainer workouts aka victories of character over sloth

1 not home-cooked dinner
0 swims epic fail must do better
Kms of skirting board painted - 10000 why are there SIX doors leading off the corridor, WHY?
Plantar fascia - niggly and a constant worry but stable and tolerating very slow loading
Mood - good

More anon, sunny-side uppers!

Pressing on

Home again, jiggety jig.
Shaken but not stirred, our heroine is sleeping better and not so jumpy. I need a badge: 'does not cope well with conflict'.
I'm loving just swimming again - the fact that I can now go to the pool without dreading it is hereby noted as the first triumph of the 2016-17 financial year! Mind you, I pick my times very carefully, but that's how things Get Done, no? There's an open water swim in September I have my eye on.
This morning there was quite a funny battle between hurry up get your shoes on you've only just got time for your walk and I'll just do some Important Things so I don't have time then be mad at myself. The washing is still blocking the laundry door; the walk was good :)
I've been reflecting on my Top Secret Big Scary Goals, and reminding myself that playing the odds is the only way - if I keep working, I have a chance at success, however small. If I listen to the BS in my head and keep putting things off, then I have no chance. Things will stay the same. Ewww.

More anon, glorious leaders!

and a partridge in a pear tree...

On the sixth day of the 'holidays'*, Bendigo gave to me
two eisteddfodau
four brisk walks
one swim workout
dai-ly stretching
no stress eating!!
(sadly, angry drinking)
six days of wrangling dancers
fifteen solos
three duo performances
(while the other mum sat watching)
one day of being attacked by the other mum for upsetting her kid by 'being too controlling' (you have to sing this one pretty fast)
one massive row
one dummy spit
(see 'angry drinking') 
one abrupt departure
one kid to manage!
so much lovely dancing
...and lots and LO-OTS of bling

I am so happy for Noddie. A huge amount of hard work went into these :)
More anon, (ahem) 'holidaymakers'*

*This post's other name is 'what I did on my (ahem) 'week off'.

Friends

I realised the other day that I was seeing missed workouts as failures rather than completed workouts as successes. No wonder it's been hard!
But I've solved the problem! I've found myself a peer group! A mutual cheer squad! A struggling, knocked-around-by-life,  cheerful, indomitable little band with Big Dreams and hope in our hearts!
D is an old school friend I've kept very loosely in touch with. While his wife was dying of brain cancer he coped with food and beer and tv. Now he's picking himself up and starting The Man Challenge! Go Dazza go! The other person is my dear friend the Might Emma. She has so often picked me up and given me a shove in the right direction; I would absolutely not have finished my last half marathon without her by my side. Now it's my turn! Go Emma go! I'm so excited!

 

More anon, strivers!

Of course!

Rescue Remedy! Coming soon to a swimming bag near you - or to be precise, near me!
I don't know what's in these little gems, unicorn sweat probably, or rare endangered herbs gathered at midnight on the solstice by unwashed wearers of dreadlock-and tie-dye. Ewww. But they got me through three eisteddfodau in a week last year; Noddie, although she may not realise it, is still alive to tell the tale becuase of them and their little yellow friend the spray. Surely they will help with pool-related freak-outs.
Off to the chemist now, to stock up then splash down!

 More anon, aquamen!

The next big thing

A very strange and unhelpful thing has been happening lately. When I get to the pool, and almost every lane is occupied by some 'person' (extended defamatory description deleted) who is swimming or walking up and down the centre or one side of the lane, I start to feel extraordinarily upset. I become extremely angry, helplessly overwhelmed, and even teary. I've spoken very rudely to someone, snarled at a poolie and then cried on the car. What on earth can be going on? Is it symbolic of my perception of this long and stony path back to fitness as overwhelming? FFS. I dunno. I don't really care. Whatever it is, I'm giving it too much energy. I need to shift my focus.
So: this next few weeks' challenge.
Go to the pool three times a week.
Feel the feelings. Let them be there.
Swim.

I love swimming!

Do I need to enter a race? I think I do.
More anon, cogitators!

cautiously optimistic

+

 

+ 

+

 

 =

(I hope....)

More anon, bouncers!

PS NOT my actual bike

well butter me on both sides

First up, MASSIVE congrats to the mighty Tea for a monster PB at her half ironman yesterday!! She is an example of excellence and grit to which we can all aspire.
Secondly, I gave up listening to the advice I'd been given about my sad sore foot - after three months,  I'm persistent, no? - and had a chat with Dr G00gle. Now after 2 days of following that advice, I'm better! There is very little soreness in the morning, and no pain after walking. I'm still swinging between cursing myself for not being more proactive - for buying the you're too fat' story, in essence, and wasting weeks on end - and somewhat hesitant joy. Who'd have thought a superball could change everything?
 Anyway we have to make a mad dash to the Big Smoke today for a medical appointment and I'm also feeling quite sombre after the dreadful events in Orlando so I'll leave it there. I'm going for a walk.

Reframing

Since I have decided to think of the stupid rude entitled PITAs who appear unable to comprehend the 'keep to the left' signs (with handy arrows for the literacy-challenged) at the pool, and who think that staying on one side (as opposed to swimming up and down the middle of the lane) is 'sharing',  as escapees from a sheltered workshop who sadly lack funding for permanent carers, I feel a lot better about going to the pool. I try to go at times when there is at least one lane which either has a normal cooperative thoughtful polite person in it or is empty. These times are sadly few but I am dauntless.

More anon, splashers!

This week in song!

A Big Day

As my five faithful readers are aware, LBTEPA has been known to give the Demon Drink a bit of a nudge.
Over the last two or three years, what with the endless ride on the injury roundabout, my poor Spousal Unit's Mum dying of leukaemia, him being bullied out of his job, and then his Dad dying as well, it's been more of a jolly good shove than a nudge. My name is LBTEPA and I am a stress drinker.
People do this stuff. If you don't, good luck to you. I bet you know someone who does. I'm not defending myself, or asking for approval, sympathy or advice either. But....
A month ago I felt strong enough, supported enough, recovered enough to make a Big Change.
Since this time last month I have had 15 alcohol-free days. This is A Really Big Thing for me. I'm REALLY happy and proud of myself.

I have no intention of going back to daily sherbies. It's getting easier and easier. Can I have a WOOT!! please??










More anon, firecrackers!

3am vs 7am

3am this foot injury has broken me. I give up. I have another cold. I can never get a run of consistent exercise going. This is never going to work. I am stuck in this fat broken hell forever.
3.15 No, I'll get up when the Spousal Unit leaves and do a bike session. Yes, that's what I'll do. Zzzzzzz....
6.59am bugger bugger bugger I meant to get up when the Spousal Unit left now I won't have time to do my whole workout and I still feel sick too.
7am No no no no no I have time Noddie can organise herself now and I AM NOT STAYING IN THIS FAT BROKEN HELL FOREVER get on your bike LBTEPA 20 minutes will do you can manage that. Crank up Eddie Izzard on the ewetube!
7.30am (sweating)
thanks Eddie!

More anon, stumblers!

dreaming big

I've been watching Desert Runners while I've been doing my bike workouts. Have you seen it? It's brilliant. These people are so determined. I'm inspired by them. I love a big dream, a big crazy dream, and watching these brave souls push and push and push until they either finish or can go on no longer just does something to my heart.

More anon, soldierers-on!

a run

...not the very best sort, where your feet are strong enough to pound the footpath for happy ages while you work up a righteous sweat...
...but another very good sort

the Spousal Unit is a very Good Sort

... a run of sustained exercise for several weeks, with no disastrous, disorganised or dispirited 're-starts'. Yay! The 'key' (which may only be 'the key' at this moment, who knows?) appears to be making the basic units of working out as accessible and repeatable as possible, eg cardio = bike (set up in study) or rowing machine (5 minutes away at the gym), and weights (ditto). Anything else at the moment is jam.

 

 Mmmm jam...

Starting from where I actually am is evidently quite a good idea. Who knew?

More anon, crumpets!

I forgot

...to cancel my gym membership!
The gym has a) music videos which are not exclusively millenial soft-porn doof doof and

b) several rowing machines! I like rowing machines, as long as you don't tell me I have to go faster every time I use one (hello upsetting failure and subsequent avoidance, my old friends!). More to the point, my stupid plantar fascia might like rowing machines. Cardio that doesn't aggravate my foot that is a) somewhere other than my house b) around other people and c) not my bike on the trainer would add to the quality of my life no end, ahem hashtagfirstworldproblems.
I'll keep you posted!
More anon, homing pigeons!

My goal is to post every week

Not much to say here at Chateau LBTEPA, so it's motivational image time again...I know, I know...I'm bored too...but it's just gone FIVE EFFING YEARS since I broke my ankle (just over four since it was reconstructed) and I can either a) give up and settle meekly into flabby middle age, or b) keep punching on no matter how incomprehensible 'success' might seem. Let me think....

More anon, sweaters!

For your viewing pleasure

I love this.
Not much to report this week. Our heroine continues plugging away at Stuff here at Chateau LBTEPA. Drawers are getting cleaned, exercises are getting done, mindless face-stuffing is getting not-done. Long-held assumptions about how much I need to eat to keep going are being questioned. My foot is on the mend, too!! Yay!
In other news, it's eisteddfod season again, which I wasn't very good at last year. I'm getting through it much better this time. Life's all about learning, isn't it?

I have to say, I am impressed and inspired at how brave these kids are. I think a lot about how to be a better parent, and it is painful to watch them walk out there in front of everyone and muck it up and 'fail', and be disappointed, especially when they work so hard. What I'm learning is to let Noddie walk her own path. When I don't 'protect' her, she works out her own way to manage (hello Captain Obvious!).... She's good at it!  She's not crushed by a non-linear relationship between effort and reward.
I always tell her that winning happens when the competitor takes the first step onto the stage. To me, that's winning. When you do the work, and show up, and have a crack. We might not get the result we want, but every single one of us who does those things is winning. Maybe I mean succeeding. I dunno, it's been a long week, with far too many false eyelashes and sequins involved.
More anon, pothunters!

Hungry?

The magnificent Cilla has asked a very good question - am I hungry? Bless her.

Yes. No. Sometimes. How would I know? Can I ring a friend?
I know why I eat when I'm not hungry (see 'Boring Whiny Shit/Why No One Reads This Blog') and I'm finally starting to set up new behaviours to make it less likely. Operation 'smaller portions/less cheese' is going well!
So is Operation Gumby. Stretching with Noddie the dancer is fun!

Daunting, but fun.
More anon, claymations!

Danger zone

Hi Blog
I'm thinking, thinking, always thinking...

and the 'danger zone' is after work, before tea. 'Cause I'll eat my tea anyway. That is another whole box of stuff to work on. Later.
Plans for this: ????listen to a meditation before I leave work. Objection - noooo not another 10 minutes when I could be at home! Counter-argument: let's give it a try and see what happens!
Absolute veto on eating between work and home. It's only a few minutes. Can do.
Talk to the Spousal Unit about a) less cheese and b) smaller portions. These have in the past been foreign and distasteful notions to him but he is noticeably trying to be more supportive lately so I shall stiffen the sinews and discuss it.
While I'm brainstorming, I will get some rescue remedy - that stuff is the bee's roller skates. I'll need it for next week's eisteddfod aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh........... and I reckon it might be good to use it more at/after work.
This is so effing boring that I want to bang my head against the wall.  But then so is being too heavy for my feet. Buy shares in strapping tape, people! Time to, as I have mentioned, harden up and do this.
More anon, contemplators!

Sleep, baby, sleep

HI Blog!
Conclusions/thoughts of the week:
I've been sleeping badly (reasons, reasons) and choosing to sacrifice exercise for sleep, as I 'have to be ok for work'. I might re-think this. I do need sleep but not exercising makes me sad. I'm sure there's an answer.
This weekend I was zen as billy-oh, 'detaching from a single preferred outcome' - such as actually 'getting time' on a weekend to do something I want, like paint the skirting boards or, oh, maybe go for a swim - like an absolute champ. This meant I was less angry, which might in future lead to more energy to problem solve about how I can reorganise things to prioritise my needs. One can only hope.
On that note, I am disproportionately proud to announce that THE STUDY IS CLEAN! It was chockers with  my late father-in-law's paperwork all in messy piles, and had to be properly looked at and sorted not set fire to as was my frequent wish. Now it's done! So I can set up my road bike on the trainer, and my Kona re-runs, and sweat happily away again. I ran into my physio at the pub, as you do, and she hath decreed that the plantar fascia shall not be subjected to walking, nor cycling unless in a rigid shoe. I'll buy some, becuase I like riding outside on the hybrid. It just then occurred to me to ask myself, why don't I want to ride the road bike outside in the dark mornings? It has lights.... hmmm. It's probably adjacent to 'why don't I want to go to the pool?' Answer = REQUIRES ORGANISATION which needs energy that I don't believe I have! But I do! This can be done, I just have to do it. Also see 'detaching from desired outcomes'.
People have accused me of over thinking things..............................
It's a worry how distant the 'I exercise becuase it's who I am' mindset has become. Maybe I should make myself a chart? That always used to work.

More anon, star-stickers!

Forget about the mountain

I've been watching the 2015 NBC Kona Ironman world championships in little chunks, as breaks form attempting to render our study habitable. Do not get me started OMFG what a saga. But I digress. Kona 2015 has provided my motto for the current somewhat trying circumstances. A bloke who did the race with a donor heart uttered the following wise words 
FORGET ABOUT THE MOUNTAIN YOU HAVE TO CLIMB. 

FOCUS ON THE NEXT STEP YOU HAVE TO TAKE

Thanks, Kona bloke! You've shown me what to do!

More anon, tiptoers!

*edit* AND THEN this article ablout how 'the obstacle is the way'

POPPED UP IN MY FEED! Spooky......

pf

Hi Blog!
Just when w thought it was all going splendidly, life lobs us a reality check. I love working up a glow on the trail, but at present it doesn't love me. Both heels are complaining bitterly. This feels like the beginnings of plantar fasciitis, with which, as you may recall, I have had dealings before. Messing abut with this bodes only ill. Hence I have withdrawn from Run Melbourne.
This is so ****ing boringly repetitive I want to bang my head on the wall.
It looks as though I am going to have to really focus on losing weight, in order to get as fit again as I want to. No sneaking around it. Bleah.

More anon, nibblers!

Lightbulb

What was I THINKING? I LOVE this!

More anon, trailblazers!

sooky la la free zone

why didn't I want to do the run melbourne half in July? Because I'm tired. Because I've been under a lot of pressure. I don't feel like it. Whinge whinge whinge.
Hello? This is the Harden Up Fairy, calling bullshit. I'm 49, not 79! I went to Paris to have a rest, and have been banging on ever since about how I'm all recharged this year! Life is about pushing yourself, being your best, and making the world a better place! Not sure how my shifting gears into JFDI mode will help with the latter, but whatever. I Am In.

More anon, staggerers!