The End.

My worst memories:

I was in pain. I was in a mess. It was bloody. 

I scream. I shout for help. I yearn and cried.

Though it can't be heard, it was loud and clear. 

Unnoticed, no one can help. 

No one can give mercy. No one can relieve the pain. Upheld it off my shoulders.

No one. Brothers and sisters, families and friends. No one.

Would understood how grave the situation I'm in. 

How difficult to handle it alone, as a seventeen years old.

I was feeling depress, anxious, remorse.

Guilty above all.

To brothers and sisters.

To families and friends.

I blame the universe. I blame the society.

I blame the media. I blame the opportunity.

A mess is sugarcoating the hell I've walked.

A grudge is born. A narcissism is born.

An envy and all seven doors of sin is open.

As I holds a piece of mirror that I smash into pieces,

stopping myself to cut my wrist, I was at my limit.

A seventeen years old limit.

Six months. Families and friends tried so hard,

to tell me it was going to be okay. But I know it isn't.

I can't tell anyone. I can't shared. I must hold.

Therefore I create this blog. Indeed, my first therapy in session.

But the dark side wasn't going to fade away,

tempting again and again to throw me back to whom I was before.

I stop trusting people.

I stop believing in humanity.

I've only trust myself.

Indeed, I was prove right not to trust anyone

again and again and again.

I've been back-stabbed and my little shred of trust has been ripped apart.

Now, five years later. I've got a little issues.

I don't give a goddamn care.

But, I've managed to let go my narcissism bit by bit.

Sometimes I do felt betrayal.

But I do not let my conscious overwhelming myself.

Thus, I trust very little.

Therefore I'm sorry if I'm overly sensitive.

Not recognizing the humanity in anyone else.

Disregard any priorities in others.

Did not care about others feeling.

Give but only a little trust in others.

Disenchanted and keeping distance.

I am not who I was six years ago.

I've gone viral and it can't be control anymore.

Life has a funny way of turning people away from themselves

As life has take away whom I was.

And breathing another life in me.

My view for the world is different.

I am really sorry.

The reason I am telling my worst memories, my worst nightmare, the fragment of my deep dark secret as a token of appreciation to the readers albeit many I did not know, to bears all of this with me up until now. As my life emerge once again, better and stronger (All praise to Allah) I've decided to stop writing. I'm letting go the last tied of my worst memories which ironically is also my first platform to regain stability in my life. Indeed my life now is better. My real life has just began. Thank you.

I am now days away from ending my Degree (Hons) in Islamic Banking before I am embark on practical then starting my life as a Degree graduates In shaa Allah. Therefore, my last word for all of you especially my love ones: families, friends and readers is "Fi Amanillah" which bears the meaning of "May you in Allah's protection."

In memories: 

nerovulpi069.blogspot.com

10 March 2009 - 14 January 2014

"A first platform where I regain stability in life"

Cuti Raya Haji 2013

Hai. Sedar tak sedar dah sebulan berlalu. This is going to be a monthly occasion, is it? Writing in here. Tak sempat bercerita pasal Broga dan Sg. Congkak lagi. It's a good story. A happening time. Still got a loose end here and there but who cares. Treasure the lovely stories, it makes me happy in the future. Hari ini rasa macam nak kesini sebab rasa macam nak rambling and ranting dalam banyak perkara. Not too many I hope, but future me, bear it with me. 

3 Februari tahun depan aku akan praktikal. Aku rasa semakin lama semakin tua. Lihat gaya penulisan pun dah tahu. Dan dua bulan setengah sahaja lagi aku bergelar pelajar universiti. Ah, aku tidak mahu mengiranya. Like all good things, it will end. Sooner or later. I hope for the later, but who am I to stop time. Tiga pilihan pihak universiti bagi, dan aku isi Bank Kerjasama Rakyat, Syarikat Suruhanjaya Malaysia dan Johorland. Sejujurnya aku tidak kisah aku kemana sebab aku tidak mahu meletakkan harapan di mana mana. The more you hope the more you'll get hurt. Tapi memikirkan tanggungjawap yang masih kekal dibahu mengharapkan aku kekal berada di Pontian. Jika tanya famili pun disuruhnya begitu. Tapi jauh disudut hati aku, aku ingin keluar dari Pontian.

Bercerita tentangnya, cuti lepas aku jumpa kawan aku seorang. Dah kerja dah dia jadi manager in some sort of firm. Pilihan pertama latihan industri itu merupakan ideanya juga. Macam biasa, kalau aku dan dia berbicara, pelbagai cerita yang kami ceritakan dan diskusikan. Dia memberi komen tentang keinginan aku ingin keluar Pontian dan membina hidup baru and start from a scratch itu. Dan ia mengingatkan aku juga tentang tanggungjawap yang aku galas. Kali pertama aku terpempan cuti kali itu. Kali kedua adalah ketika aku lepak dengan lagi seorang kawan aku, mengingatkan aku untuk treasuring life as it is as you may be not you if you change something even a little in your past. No matter how bad you looked in your past, it brings you here, right here. Well, itu yang dia kata. Aku dah tahu cuma kadang kadang aku alpa kerana aku juga manusia biasa. Malah antara yang lemah. Like I once said, darkness is very alluring. So maybe, I've grown darker these few months. Just maybe.

Pabila menyentuh tentang cuti, ada satu kerja gila aku buat bersama si barua yang gila tu. Asal buat kerja gila je mesti dia ada. Cuti haritu aku pergi menunaikan misi mengejut. Ke daerah Kluang aku pergi. Nasib baik sampai itu belum azan Mahgrib. Sampai rumah semula hampir hampir azan Isya' berkumandang. Kerja gila tapi itu yang mahu aku lakukan. Sejujurnya.

What I do, up until now there is no coercion. I do what I want, I say what I think. No matter how other perceive it. It is a double edge sword. It is my strength and my Achilles' heels.  

Azan subuh sudah pun berkumandang, maka tamatlah rambling and ranting aku pada waktu ini. Jika ada umur yang panjang dan kesempatan yang hadir, InsyaAllah akan ada lagi entri baru. See you when I see you.

Point of Embarkment

Hey. Hey. Hey.

It is the last week of September already. Rasanya baru beberapa hari lepas mereka mereka melaungkan selamat datang September. Aku terlalu sibuk hidup di alam realiti sehingga kadang kala terlupa hendak membuat dan menghidupkan jurnal persendirian ini. Ah, betul lah aku terlalu sibuk.

Namun sekali tidak sekala aku hadir juga memberitahu diri aku sendiri, aku juga masih manusia luar biasa yang sukar untuk berbicara sebenar - benarnya dengan manusia manusia diluar sana lalu membuat luahan jiwa raga ke laman sesawang ini. 

Ah, apa lah sangat yang hendak dikongsi kala jam memaparkan waktu telah pun lebih tiga pagi ini. Tiada apa lah sangat. Hidup aku sebagai seorang siswa Islamic Banking tetap begitu, penuh dengan kerja kerja yang diberi lecturer, kerja kerja sebagai Executive Committee dan ombak ranjau kehidupan. Tidak pula rasa sunyi sebenarnya walau aku tidak mempunyai rakan istimewa konon konon nya sebagaimana digembar gemburkan oleh rakan rakan lama mahupun yang baru, rakan rakan jauh mahupun yang dekat. 

Melihat budak budak rumah, seorang yang sering tidak lekang dengan telefon, seorang lagi asyik keluar dengan rakan rakan perempuannya, seorang lagi dengan drama-kejap-bahagia-kejap-asyik-komplen beliau, dan seorang lagi yang asyik mengeluh tidak kira cuaca tidak pula membuatkan aku terasa macam aku tiada siapa siapa. Seeloknya aku senang begini, senang pergi kemana mana, senang tidur dibila bila masa tidak dikekang oleh sesiapa. Mungkin aku sudah tidak tahu apa erti dalam percintaan sebagaimana yang dikatakan rakan ku suatu ketika itu. Mungkin benar, mungkin ianya hanya tipu helah manusia yang sering datang dan pergi.

Ehem. *tukar bahasa* 

I do have a long listed plan or responsibilities before I embark on that other side. True, a friend told me once that I still can realizing the plan with or without someone and it might work as motivational tools. I can't argue with that point, but coming out from a person who is in fact in love, seems biased. 

Now that I mention responsibilities, heed my word that my responsibilities in my little family just keep heavier and heavier. I do sometimes want to let it all go and run. Just me and the world fighting, surviving. But I do remember how lucky I am to still have a family to look after no matter how hard it seems. No matter how troubling it is. Sometimes I think, that now it is up to me to uphold the legacy. Or maybe I was wrong. Just maybe.

So the gist of this entry is this. I am happy albeit without any close friend with a different gender. Figuratively speaking. And the more I stay as I am now, the longer it takes for me to start again. I still can't think whether that is a good thing or the other way around.

Dan untuk menjawap segala pertanyaan mereka mereka yang sibuk nak kenen kenen kan gua konon konon macam gua ni tak pandai nak tackle sendiri. Termasuk family gua sekali. Dan untuk mereka mereka yang konon konon tak percaya aku masih lagi tidak dipunyai dan dipenjara oleh mana mana pihak, walhal sebenarnya sendiri memang nak tahu aku masih keseorang atau tidak untuk masuk line ataupun masukkan line untuk member. Hahahaha. Boasting much.

Essence of Remorse

Hello again. Hello September. Hello reader. [using singular, not plural]

Actually, aku tidak berniat untuk berkata apa apa disini. Ok, itu tipu sebab aku cuba buat entri untuk meng-summarize-kan semester empat aku sebagai Islamic Banker berbelas belas kali namun akhirnya aku give up juga berbelas belas kali.

Dan sejujurnya, aku tidak berniat langsung untuk membuat entri sekalipun pada pagi yang sedap kalau tidur memandangkan hujan turun dengan renyai renyai sejak aku balik dari lepak tadi. Almaklumlah, aku cuba untuk tidur awal disebabkan kelas aku akan bermula pada Isnin ini. And yes, aku akan menjadi pelajar semester lima.

Oh, tertanya tanya juga mengenai keputusan aku kan? Alhamdulillah, atas kurniaan Illahi, aku berjaya mendapat dekan buat kali keduanya sebagai Islamic Banking student. Barely. Walaupun aku tahu usaha aku tidaklah sehebat mana, tidaklah serajin mana, dan ianya adalah setimpal dengan usahaku. Okay, I know I can be better tapi rezeki terletak pada Yang Maha Pemberi kan.

Kembali kepada tujuan sebenar. Aku dah baring dah actually, selepas dengar Surah Al-Waqiah dekat lappy dah habis dan dah tutup, siap tepuk tepuk bantal lagi kasi lebih empuk. Namun, aku masih tak dapat melelapkan mata. Kerana aku memikirkan sesuatu. Apa yang aku fikirkan ye? Aku fikirkan kesalahan yang aku buat hampir 3 tahun lepas. Tiga tahun berlalu, aku tiba tiba rasa remorse yang melampau malam ini. Penyesalan keatas perbuatan aku itu membuatkan aku rasa ingin sekali memohon maaf kepada empunya badan, kepada ibu bapa empunya badan. Ini bukan remorse-I-want-to-get-back-together, no. Tapi  ini remorse-what-if-I-die-tomorrow?

So, what if I really die tomorrow?

I am not ready. Really.

Oh and by the way, aku terserempak dengan ibu bapa ex aku yang kedua. If you in my shoes, what would you do? 

And what did I do? Aku ternampak kelibat mereka, aku terpempan dan terkedu for about 0.7 seconds dan berlangkah pergi meninggalkan premis Red Modani ketika membeli kasut. Ya, aku ada kasut baru. Tak perlu bagitau tentang itu pun sebenarnya. 

That five years ago still there is no closure and never will be. I'll be carrying that for lifetime. And in the next. Aku masih ingat pabila aku berbicara tentang ini dengan sahabat karibku yang sekarang dah habis belajar dah pun dan dah nak fikir tentang kerja sekarang. Dia lah sahabat zaman jahil dahulu, zaman gelap dahulu, zaman taiko dahulu, hinggalah ke zaman akhir remaja, zaman kembali ke sinar, zaman awal dewasa dan kini zaman kerjaya. How soothing his words are. Katanya, yang dah lepas jangan dibuka lagi cerita, apa kesannya, apa natijahnya, apa selepasnya jangan difikirkan dahulu. Kerana kita tidak mampu untuk mengubah apa apa yang telah berlaku, zaman gelap kau dah pun tinggalkan. Jadikan ia pengajaran dan teruskan perjalanan. Not exactly his words but that the gist of it. Kami, aku dan dia masih lagi bertarung berterusan melawan segala cabaran demi mengukuhkan "tapak" dalam berpijak di dunia sementara ini. Aku harap dia akan dimurahkan rezeki dan diberkati sepanjang hayatnya.

Huh, dah lama tidak meluahkan disini tiba tiba terasa lega pula. And I found out that I do not trust many people with all my secrets and past. And many who does, turns against me. Not turning against, macam kasar sangat bunyinya, more like growing apart. 

p.s:

I've change a lot, so do not treat me, looked at me, and stuck with a view of who I was.

Dreadful Fateful Day.

4th Day of Syawal.

Will be a fateful day.

And will be

a bit of dreadful to me.

I've a plan.

A solid plan.

Up until my friend

tampered with it.

So I have no choice

but to confess.

The cat is already out.

Might as well tell the truth.

She takes it well.

Only assuming.

I'll face it well too

apart from others.

Decided to continue

my solid plan.

My last gesture,

my last gift.

Got my answer,

got my decision.

How childish of her.

To think that I

put the words

in her mouth.

But that's another thing

that I did not want to touch

or even graze.

Already a lost cause.

So I pack my back.

All of it.

Not a thing left behind.

Walk away.

Setting up ground rules.

Things will change.

Note for her too.

And she takes it well.

I never stop praying.

I never stop wanting

for the best.

But the best for you.

Ain't me.

Epilogue:

I take a quit for a week.

From life itself.

That's abnormal.

Usually longer for others.

That week I pull up my strength

And now I walk again.

Funny thing, 

those who knows this story

can't really understand

how I can cope.

The dreadful news

I received for too long now.

Nearly two month

before a lot others.

Imagine living in my shoes.

But,

I am a realist.

Thus,

it's a new day.