ramadan 1446

And here comes ramadan, 

While i like any other beings, hoping for a usual, peaceful one, can’t help to have thousands of thoughts running through my mind

One of the closest family members were not in the great health 

While trying to figure some plans out and ensure planning it ahead of time, 

I can’t help to acknowledge that sometimes, working in immense pressure, let me strive best

My brains will work faster, my energy will somehow arises from God knows where and the outcome are sometimes even much better compared to 

All kind of efforts puts ahead

BUT in a lot of time, it drains me to the max.

It bites where it hurts most. Lost my energy, lost my patience and lots of time even to the extend of me losing my passion too. 

At times, i hated my current state of life

Feeling i am losing the best of me. Or at least i think the best version of me in between

Entering the soon-to-be-one-year period in new place, i find that i keep on losing tracks and interest. 

I still deliver, i still try to give my best. But i could tell that 70% of time, I was dragging myself towards waking up in the morning to just go with the flow. 

The burden of adulthood (even without a child) is catching up on me. 

At times, I wanted to just admit defeat and regret some decisions i allow to be made for me but, 

It’s simply hard when you don’t individually decide on your own

This Ramadan, I wish to enter with better spirit, I want to believe that God has bring me to a better place compared to where I was or simply believe in this process that something better is waiting at the end. 

I’m always scared of laying down my plans open because of the chances of me getting it done per plans, are too lower on its percentage, let me try and lay it down here

This Ramadan, i would like to perform tarawih in jamaah

I would like to read more pages of quran and

Be a little bit diligent in prepping some food on the table

and suddenly time flies,

i wonder if time passed will able be worthily spent 
or if i have actually allowing the time flies without fulfilling it

at times i feel like i was racing against time trying to complete as much as possible

it has reached five months since my career migration

yeap, , finally after so much contemplating, overcoming certain fears

i took a leap and change the direction in total

now, while i enjoyed most of the time in new place, 

i sometimes feel that i am lost in my journey. Most of the time, i am almost not sure about the path i undertake

then, it also cause me sometime to wanting to go back to the old place

have you ever feel that way after taking any leap in life?

and so, let’s move on to another year and while it is no longer relevant to write here, i will still come back and put down small notes here. 

i shall always remember this as a safe space for me to pour down my thoughts and worries. 

from 2007.

2023

Time flies, as usual. 

Turned 34 this year and have lost most of the expectation of celebration in life

I wanted to really just pause sometimes to enjoy bit and parse of the moment left

As we mover forward with our age, we’re closer to death

And so even close to losing our elders

But it also means growing older as an adult 

Bringing more responsibilities and commitment asked of

We lost count of frustration moments and at times we just simply keep going on

And i think that is an option rather that giving up

So what say you?

November, again

I am not always positive.

Like a normal human being, i have my ups and downs.

Perhaps some of you who knew me would usually see my bright side and may or may never seen the opposite of it. 

But in the recent months, knowing that there’s so many changes going on in life, i need to make a firm decision on how i manages my days

I must be in control so that i could function on a day to day basis, especially at work

2022 has not been an easy year

Not because we’ve reached that 2020 (cause you see, pandemic hits us globally that year onwards and despite whatever the government decided, we still live with risk of getting infected with covid if not any other usually influenza/disease)

Well, 2022 has been a challenging year to me both physically and emotionally

I had to undergo my very first hospitalisation experience to remove not one but two ovarian cysts. And for that, i had to go through my very first PCR test. 

I was admitted for good three nights, and then discharged for home recovery for an additional of 6 weeks!

All went well, i must say. And of course, it was not something that i go through alone

Not long after I came back, here’s another news

Quite shocking, but expected. And now as i am typing this, it’s surely a gift and a blessings.

Me and my youngest sister received our calling for hajj. And i have to be away from work and life here for another good 8 weeks, given or take.

3 months after returned, i got pregnant! Found out about it and get to share it with my husband and close family and had a miscarriage at 6 weeks of pregnancy. 

Am I sad? It’s hard to tell. I would say, I am grateful. We’re entering our 9th year and we’re awarded with a chance. It was short, but it was meaningful for me.

And again, i am away from office duty.

As i return back to work, hey it’s November! 

Look at how fast time flies.

I could hardly track it this year. 

But i am grateful for the experience. 

Now, through these few main events that happened in my life, i know if i choose to dwell in negativity. I would drown. 

But life goes on. And i still wakes up for another day. 

So here i am typing this entry. 

And here i am also trying to remember this advises i kept giving to my circles

“For things you have control over in life, take charge and act on it based on the needs. But for things you don’t have any controls on, leave it to move on. Don’t pursue things you have no control over to just find yourself hurt”

Healing the heart, is not an easy journey. Staying positive at all time, is impossible, but doable. 

In the end of the day, Idrin. How far are you from Him?

Just a do’a away. Just a solat away. Just a simple “Allahu Akbar” away. 

Ramadan, 2022

And so here we are again meeting in Ramadan. 

It has only been the second day, I am still at home, enjoying the last couple of days of my off time from work. 

Trying at best not to think so much about work but can’t really rely on me, I do check on work email from time to time. 

Not much has changed since January. Predominantly because I was home mostly. I went through a surgery to remove the cysts in my inner lining of ovary and hence that explains to the long staying at home.

Do I pretty much get disconnected from the outside world apart from whatever I tried to keep up with.

I started reading again. Normal books. It has been a while probably months since the last time I read. But somehow being away from reading just increase up my interest to do so. 

I am currently reading three different genre of book, simultaneously. 

I hope I would be able to finish them and enjoy them too. Not just for the sake of accomplishing something yet again. 

Ramadan is here but I have yet to be able to start fasting. That season of the month. Kind felt weird too, cause the past three months have defies the true meaning of normal cycle to me. But when reflection comes, I’m sure that I am going through the experience for the better me. 

Gonna stop here for a now. Have some reading to catch on. 

I wish you who still reads this space would have a bliss Ramadan where ever you are.