Winter in Berkeley

This is a funny title because in Berkeley, the winter isn't really winter. It's blue skies and sunny almost all the time. At this moment, it is raining, but that has only happened like twice this entire fall and winter. Which isn't a good thing. Berkeley and California, as a whole, needs rain. We are year three into a pretty severe drought. But there is this selfish part of me that is singing praises to the blue sky and smiling at my freckled face. Then the environmentally conscious part of me shames the selfish part of me, and I go back to praying for rain.

Family picture taken by friend, Roxanne Gray

photo courtesy of  R. Gray

kids painting outside in January

At this moment, all three of my children are napping. This is a very strange thing. This whole, all three kids napping thing has only happened maybe one other time since Sage was born. There must be some cosmic planetary alignment, unbeknownst to me, in order for this to occur. It is eerily quiet and still and peaceful and wonderful all at the same time. Rob is at work, I'm having a quiet Sunday moment in my living room, all by myself. No one is asking me to pour them a glass of milk, or wipe their behind, or read to them a book. It's fantastic. That being said, I really, truly love me children and spending time with them. When they are away, I miss them terribly. I enjoy them as human beings. They are funny and witty and silly. But it sure is nice to be able to sit down and focus on something other than them for a moment in time.

Things are well at this time in life. I'm happy, the kids are happy, I believe Rob is happy too. He's working very hard and on little sleep lately, so I do worry about him. Rob has applied a bunch of positions all over the country this fall and winter. Some of the universities have multiple openings right now, so Rob applied to more than one position at the university. It's been a big endeavor for him, pushing through all those applications and weeding through the hundreds of job openings across the country to pinpoint the best fitting options. Now we wait. We haven't heard anything yet, and I believe the waiting will continue for another few weeks. I feel okay about the waiting. Maybe it's easier than a rejection from a school in a city that I'd like to live in... Maybe it's easier because it all worked out last time with post doc applications. I've been praying often that I will feel peace and security in the unknown and it seems to be working :)

In an effort to re-find myself, one of my new year's goals is to run in at least one race this year. I've been making my way to the gym pretty much every day to work out, run, lift weights, get in shape. It feels good and is a huge source of stress relief. It also helps me feel happy and not depressed. I was just facebook chatting with one of my dearest Seattle friends about having three kids. I was remembering back to when Sage was newborn and how utterly overwhelmed I felt. My life felt so chaotic and it was so hard to get a handle on the chaos. Maybe I just became accustomed to the new level of chaos or maybe it actually got less chaotic, but it doesn't feel the same now as it did then... And even though I have this huge uncertainty looming over me, I feel more at peace and less overwhelmed. We have been reading the scriptures each day as a family, which brings a beautiful love and spirit into our home.

Another thing I've been doing to re-find myself is playing the guitar every day. It feels so good. I pulled out all my sketch books from college, where I would jot down lyrics and chords to songs in my head and I've been bringing them back to life. I've even written a few new songs and birds and the sky and the green eyes of my children. It feels good to be creative :)

My kids are growing up so fast. Jasper is fast approaching the age of 8. He's so excited for his baptism, which we've decided to travel to Utah to do, so his cousins and grandparents can all be there.  He's got such an inquisitive, thoughtful mind. He's a good hearted kid, too. There is this boy in his class who I get the feeling might not be the best influence on him. I asked him if he thought the boy was helping him be a good student and stay focused and be kind to others, and Jasper said, "not really, but I think I'm being a good influence on him, mom! He needs good friends!" Good grief, he's a smart and kind kid! He's been coming home with new swear words or foul language every week. Last week it was bitch. The week before it was dick. The weeks before that it was about four different ways to say the f word. It's pretty interesting to navigate the topic of language and why people express themselves with different types of words. We've been trying to teach him that we believe that language is powerful and beautiful, and we should learn how to express ourselves eloquently and intelligently.

Gideon is doing fantastically. His teacher has pulled me aside and told me on a few different occasions that she's having to come up with worksheets and activities to challenge him that she's never had to do before in her kindergarten class. He's reading early chapter books, he's doing multiplication, he's writing paragraphs about what he got out of a particular book. Rob told me once that his 1st teacher said something similar to his mom, and Rob had just skipped Kindergarten at that time. Gid must have a brain like his father :) Gideon is also known as the helper in his class, if a kid has a question or needs help, his teacher often asks Gid to help out.  I've had a few different moms of girls come up to me and tell me about some instance when Gideon helped defend or take care of a bullying situation. One time, apparently, another boy in the class was trying to hit one of the girls and Gideon came running up and stood between them and told the boy to stop it. He's got a little sister, so it must come as an instinct.

Gideon and Jasper learned to play dominion recently

And Sage. Sage oh Sage. She's just growing up to fast. It makes me cry. I just want her to stay a baby a little bit longer... She's trying to potty train herself. I finally relented and bought her some underwear which she proudly wears around the house. She loves her friends. Talked about them all the way home from church today. She knows them all by name. She plays amazingly well by herself, lining up her dollies, talking to them, tucking them in, giving them drinks of water, trying to bathe them, nursing them, etc. Sage is saying hundreds of words lately, but her latest are the colors. She knows all of the basic colors- red, yellow, blue, orange, green, purple, pink. She's trying to sing the alphabet but gets kind of stuck in these cycles of 5 letters and sings them over and over and over again. She's so strong. She's in a gymnastics class right now and she's just built so tough and strong.

Well, I hear kids waking up. I need to sign off. Glad I got some of the happenings jotted down!

Fall adventures

It has been such a great fall and there have been so many exciting things going on in our lives.

Jasper and Gideon participated in their school "walk-a-thon". I was so proud of both of them. They walked their little hearts out!

We carved pumpkins! We actually carved them twice because we carved them too early the first time and they were piles of rotten mush two weeks before Halloween. 

We bike to church every Sunday here in Berkeley. It is so fun! The boys are such safe, responsible, street-wise bikers for being only 5 and 7. The round trip is about 6 miles and they are troopers.

Then there was Halloween! Jasper wanted to be a tarantula. Gideon a vampire bat, and Sage was a black cat. Their costumes turned out great. It's been a tricky time of year for Rob with submitting faculty applications, so we kept the festivities pretty low key this year. Jasper and Gideon's school had a parade, Jasper's class had a little party, we made sugar cookies and frosted them. It was a nice Halloween. 

Last weekend we invited this terrific family over for dinner! We love our friends the Blythes! 

This little daughter of mine is just growing up too fast. It kills me. She's talking so much, constantly, all day! She says "sank you mom" for every little thing I do for her. Sage is a sweetheart and I feel so grateful to be her mom. 

Blogging again

I've decided to start blogging again. It's a decision I make with great trepidation. With the decision comes this personal expectation to actually keep the blog up to date, which I'm doubtful about. At the heart of this decision is the realization that I'm not a good journal keeper, and this is a an option that worked well for many years. I need to have some place to record the happenings, milestones, and nuggets of joy going on in our family. I also have this huge sense of guilt weighing me down because I've been so delinquent about recording anything! I'm going to look back on this chapter of life and not remember anything!

The past year and a half (it's really been almost that long since I posted!) has brought our family huge changes. A year ago, we left Seattle and moved to Berkeley. Rob was offered a position at Lawrence Berkeley Lab in conjunction with University of California Berkeley as a post doc. Leaving Seattle was heartbreaking. It was incredibly hard to say goodbye to many dear friends who were practically like family. Even now, a year later, when I think about it I get all chocked up and teary eyed. The network and love and support we felt there, the place where all three of our children were born, where we spent 8 years of our life, was truly "home" to the Egberts.

Berkeley has been such a fun adventure so far. We can bike and walk everywhere. The schools are super great, the community is tight knit. The produce grocery stores are like nothing I've ever seen. It's an incredibly beautiful place to live. The weather is amazing. I feel badly that I'm inside using a computer, rather than frolicking around in the sunshine. Hmmm... maybe that's why I haven't been blogging? I have to admit, my blogging activity is always slimmer in the warmer, sunnier months and that's practically all year round here.

Last fall, Gideon started preschool at Albany Preschool. He had such a fantastic year. He made some great friends (Rudy, Drake, Adrian, and Roan to name a few). The school has a great team of teachers- Teacher Susy, Polly, and Neghat. Gideon just makes me so happy. He wrote me many little love notes this past summer, with "I love you mom" or "you are the best mom in the world". He's come such a long way this past year. Yesterday, he started Kindergarten at Ocean View with Ms. Hannah Miller. He was seriously over the moon with excitement about the first day of school. When I picked him up he told me it was the best day of his life. When I asked him what his favorite part was he said "free choice because I got to play Legos with my new friend Devon". He has this air of confidence about him. He walked into the room, shook his teacher's hand, looked her in the eye and said "good morning Ms. Hannah. My name is Gideon". This summer was such a good, growing time for him. Physically, we went on lots of hikes and played outside almost every minute of every day. Mentally, his reading went from one liners to early chapter books. I'm just super proud of him.

Last fall, Jasper started out in 1st grade at Ocean View Elementary with Ms. Cindy. Jasper made huge strides during 1st grade with reading, writing, and math. He had a little posse of friends in his class, too (Gaby, Ayush, and Saahir). Yesterday, Jasper started 2nd grade with Ms. Allie Graf. She is young, pretty and very friendly. Jasper is really excited about second grade and the the big things that lie ahead for him- turning eight, getting baptized, loosing more teeth, hopefully going to legoland for the first time. I'm really proud of  how hard Jasper is trying to help out at home with chores, taking care of Sage, helping with meals, and self directed responsibility. He's growing up to be such a nice kid, too. He really tries his best to look out for kids who are sad or need help. He lost his two front teeth this summer and his smile is just so infectious now! Everytime he cracks a grin, my heart melts.

Sage, oh Sage. When I last blogged, she wasn't even crawling. Well, she learned to crawl, walk, run, jump, spin around, dance, peek a boo, chase, swing, sing, and now she's starting to talk. At 20 months, here's a list of her current words- mom, dad, bwabwa (brother), tutu, baby, wawa, nurse, please, more, berry, spice, papa (popcorn), no, peepee, poopoo, potty, play, dog, moo, meow... There are more but I can't think of them right now. She really is "talking" a ton. Most of it is gibberish but I'm getting pretty good at deciphering what she is trying to communicate. Like today, she said a bunch of words in a string, and I was able to pick out "go outside and eat popcorn".

Rob is working so hard. He is at the lab from 9 am till 6 or 7 pm, then he goes back from 8 pm till usually 2 am (sometimes it's 4 or 5, though). He has been living off of 4 hours of sleep a night for about 6 years. He is gearing up to apply for faculty positions for next fall. The openings are starting to pop up now. Most application are due between September and January. He'll hopefully get some interviews this winter, and we will know in the spring where we are moving to. It's an exciting year for our family. He's got a couple of papers to publish before he leaves Berkeley, which means the next couple months are going to be really stressful for our family. I'm not going to sugarcoat things- I'm exhausted from my husband's 9 years of PhD and postdoc work. I feel like Rob is much more serious and stressed out these past few years than ever before. I yearn for the early years of our courtship and marriage when we were fancy free and had time to enjoy being with one another. Our time together is usually spent wrestling three little children into bed. I know in my heart that there will come a time when I will look back and realize that the sacrifice and hard work now was really worth it.

Well, what is going on with me. When we left Seattle, I left behind the nature preschool I started there. I miss it. I miss my dear friends and the kiddos. I miss the dense, old growth forests we would explore, the arboretum, the wetlands. I haven't started anything like that up here, yet. I've thought about it. I actually wrote a letter to Ocean View's principal with a proposal to start up an after school nature club, but haven't heard anything. I also wrote a letter to the University Village Park and Rec, here in Berkeley with a similar proposal but never heard anything back either. I'm planning on getting some friends together with 1 to 2 year olds and going on little toddler sized outdoor adventures sometime in the next month. My dearest Berkeley friend, Rebecca Blythe, just started a fabulous job at The Berkeley School this fall. Don't get me wrong, I am super excited for her, but selfishly I'm going to miss hanging out and chatting with her before and after school. She and I found each other last fall, both of us recently moved to Berkeley, and we just clicked. Our kids are close in age and we love many of the same things- education kids, being outside, eating good food, trying to be positive mothers, exercise. She's a good, positive person to be around which I just love to soak up. I just got released from my calling in the church with the Young Women and got called into the Relief Society, the women's organization. I'm excited about the new calling, but I'm really going to miss the fabulous teenagers. The Relief Society will be a fun challenge for me, though. There is need for unity among the women of the LDS church right now. There are many issues that women are dealing with whether it be gender equality, ordination of women, LGBT issues and equality, motherhood or lack thereof, divorce, health, and/or depression to name a few. There is so much need for love, support, helpful teaching, spiritual healing, and friendship. I struggle with many of the issues so hopefully I can be a listening ear and a source of comfort to a sister who might need me.

Well, that's it for my first installation back into the blogging world!

My testimony

I've been wanting to write a post on my beliefs for a long time. I've had some very neat experiences lately that have given me a chance to deeply reflect inwardly on who I am and what I belief. 

About seven months ago, I was asked to share my conversion story in relief society (which is one of my church meetings where all the women get together and learn from one another). I really enjoyed taking some time to think about when and how I was converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Here is what I shared with the women of my congregation:

Personal Conversion StoryWritten November 2012
I was born and raised in the church to a convert mother and a life-long member father. I was number five of seven children. My parents were very active and we went to church every week. My parents incorporated gospel principles into everyday life. My home was full of laughter and love. As a child, I developed a deep respect for the gospel. I have memories as a child, around the time of my baptism, yearning to have my OWN testimony, wanting to know for myself that the gospel was true. Step by small step, the spirit manifested to me that specific gospel principles were true and right. But it wasn’t until early teenage years that I felt I was truly converted. Growing up in Oregon, I was surrounded by non-lds friends, who were good, smart, wonderful influences in my life and I still hold very dear to my heart. My mother felt it would be good for me to go to EFY(a mormon teen "camp") in the summer to give me the opportunity to connect with lds teens. So I went to EFY four times and loved it! It was at EFY that my testimony really blossomed. I had experiences where the spirit touched me so strongly and deeply that there was no doubt that a specific gospel principle was true.
It was my later teenage years and college years that brought many questions and some confusion about where I, personally, could fit in with the culture of the church. Questions about women’s roles in the church, men’s roles in the church, women’s history in the church, african americans and the church and priesthood, the role of the priesthood, polygamy, political views vs. the culture of the church and where I stood, to name a few. I never left the church or became inactive, but I had real questions that tested my testimony. It wasn’t easy to work through these issues and at times I felt angry and confused. I have a blessed mother who shared with me articles, books, and publications that helped me get to the root of some of these issues, and also helped me see that I wasn’t alone. I also have an incredible father who always set an unparalleled example of a worthy, righteous priesthood holder. It was through personal prayer, personal reflection, pondering, and reading the scriptures and other wonderful books that helped me ultimately navigate through my questions. It took ALOT of work on my part, though. At times I thought about giving up. I believe that desire to find answers was due to my earlier years, when I had felt my testimony blossom and grow. I realized that to be true to myself, I couldn’t give up in my search for understanding. It took much dedication, but I found a place where I felt peace and joy about the gospel. I now have the tools I need to help me navigate the questions that pop up along the way. So my conversion story is always changing and growing. I imagine it will be this way for the rest of my life, but as I search and learn, my testimony continues to deepen.
I love the gospel. I know it’s true. I know the Book of Mormon is true, i know Joseph Smith restored the church, I know that Jesus Christ came to earth and submitted to his father’s will and is our intercession, our Savior, our one true hope for returning to live with our Father in Heaven, I know the temple is our father’s earthly vessel where we make covenants and promises, where we can be sealed to our families. I know we have a living prophet to guide us and lead us, and I know that I, along with each and every child of god, in entitled to personal revelation and direction through the Holy Ghost one of the most precious gifts we are given.

My other neat experience was that I was asked to speak a month ago in Sacrament meeting (my church meeting where everyone from the entire congregation meets together and we take the sacrament and also a few people are asked to give a talk). I was asked to speak on what I learned from general conference (the semi-annual tv broadcast from Salt Lake City where our prophet and apostles and other church leaders speak to us). So, this is my talk from that:

Good morning sisters and brothers.

I was asked to speak on my thoughts and feelings about conference and the blessing of having a prophet to guide and direct us today. I love conference. It’s my favorite two weekends of the year, partially for selfish reasons- I love that we get to have church from home and eat cinnamon rolls on Sunday morning, which is my family’s tradition. But even more so, I love listening to the testimonies of our latter-day prophet, apostles and church leaders. I always come away from conference feeling like my spiritual well has been filled. Conference also centers me. Listening to the messages helps bring into focus the things that are most important in my life- that my Heavenly Father loves me, that I have a testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ, and how blessed and grateful I am for my family.

 

I’ve never had the opportunity to speak in sacrament meeting the week following conference. I usually don’t have the personal motivation to re-watch all 4 sessions right as soon as conference is over, but knowing that I was speaking inspired me to do so. I wish I could do this every six months! I had a very enlightened week!
 The resounding theme of conference for me was simple and basic: I am a child of God. I am a daughter of God. My role as a mother and procreator of life is not insignificant. It is not by happen chance that I am here on earth. There is an earthly plan. There is an eternal plan. God knows me and loves me and understands my concerns, questions, struggles and it is through the gospel that I can find peace and gain greater knowledge. 

I don’t know if it is kosher to say that I had a favorite talk, but I sure loved Elder Holland’s. He seems to speak right to my soul.
 He spoke on believing in the Christ and nurturing our faith. He told us that we need to hold onto the faith and knowledge that we do have, and not get hung up on how or what we are lacking. We must stand strong until additional light and knowledge comes to us.
 I often cast judgment and criticism on myself, thinking about where I am lacking spiritually, what more I could and should be doing to live more righteously.
 I few weeks ago Victoria Brady, from our ward, made a comment in relief society that I just loved. She said that our spiritual journey on earth is kind of like school- we aren’t all in the same grade. We are all in different grade levels. I loved this. Imagine what the world would be like if we were all in spiritual 1^st grade together. We are all at different place in our journey and that is what makes the gospel so special.
 Elder Holland said “I am asking you to be true to the faith that you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! “ So rather than focus on where our faith or testimony is lacking, we must look at what we have and where we are trying to go.
 In Matthew 17:20 the Lord said “verily I say unto you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place, and it shall remove and nothing shall be impossible unto you”.
What a beautiful passage of scripture! To think that it’s not important how much faith we have, what matters is the integrity we demonstrate toward the faith that we do have. That’s all the Lord really wants of us.   I also very much enjoyed Elder Ballard’s talk. He spoke about our roles as man and women in Heavenly Father’s plan. He said “In our Heavenly Father’s great priesthood-endowed plan, men have the unique responsibility to administer the priesthood, but they are not the priesthood. Men and women have different but equally valued roles.” “Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman. In other words, in the eternal perspective, both the procreative power and the priesthood power are shared by husband and wife. And as husband and wife, a man and a woman should strive to follow our Heavenly Father. The Christian virtues of love, humility, and patience should be their focus as they seek the blessings of the priesthood in their lives and for their family.” I believe in this gospel with all my heart. But as a woman, I have for many years questioned my place as a female in the church. I have a tendency to get hung up on these concerns and find myself getting caught up in discussions that surround the issue. Not negative discussions, for the most part wonderful, interesting discussions. But I can get lost in it all and lose sight of what my Heavenly Father sees me as. He sees me as a creator of life, a mother, a daughter who he loves, with a unique a equally important role to him as that of my husband’s. We could not be one with out the other. We are all his children. He loves us all. How could he not love us equally? After becoming a mother, I know and understand this. He loves his daughters as much as he loves his sons.
 I feel very blessed to have married such an incredible, loving, humble man who discusses these concerns with me. We talk openly and frankly about my questions. What a blessing Rob is in my life.  I can’t imagine searching and learning to understand the mysteries of God with a better person.
Elder Holland also spoke about how to go about searching for answers to our questions. He said “when doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help.  The scriptures phrase such earnest desire as being of “real intent,” pursued “with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God.”11  “Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.
 This talk by Elder Holland helped me reflect inwardly about the order of the steps in which we seek for knowledge. Fan the flame of our faith first, then be candid and open about our questions and purse with full purpose of heart. Ask with no deception before God, with pure intent. My heavenly father loves me. My role as a mother is not insignificant or of less value or importance to him than my husband’s role as a father and priesthood holder.
 Elder Ballard told a story about a little girl and her tomato plant. This little girl was so excited to think that from one tiny seed would come tomatoes which would have seeds and those seeds could be planted and grow into more tomato plants which would produce fruit and in a few seasons millions of tomatoes could come from just that one tiny seed.  In the story, the girl put her tomato plant in a dark corner and forgot to water it. She found the plant on its last leg, wilted, and flopped over. She thought she’d killed it! But with a little sunlight and water, the plant perked back up and produced fruit.  We are like that tomato plant. We have divine and infinite potential. Our Heavenly Father is rooting for us. He wants so badly to see us become what he knows we can become. If we are not careful, though, we can drift away from the true doctrine of the gospel and become wilted and undernourished. On the other hand, when we stay close to our Savior and keep working on strengthening our faith, we will eventually grow and develop into what our Heavenly Father knows we can become.
 I’ve had this article of faith stuck in my head all week-
We believe all that God has revealved, all that he does now reveal, and we believe that he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
 Wow! We are so lucky to be a part of this church. A church in which the heavens are open and we have a prophet who speaks to God! What a loving, thoughtful, inspired prophet we have on the earth. Thomas S. Monson  closed the conference by admonishing us to be good citizens and good neighbors in our communities. He asked us to reach out to those of other faiths as well as our own, and to be tolerant, kind, and loving to those who do not share our beliefs and standards.

This is the message the Savior brought to earth- a message of love and goodwill to all men and women.
Our prophet as asked us to be aware of the needs around us. He said “May we ever be ready to extend a helping hand and a loving heart.” We live in a time of confusion and distractions. It’s hard to stay focused on what really matters. I have a testimony that we have a prophet here on earth that speaks to God. I believe that when we listen to his words, we will find peace, joy, and answers to our deepest questions. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

So, there you have it. That is what I believe in a spiritual nutshell. My testimony is always changing and taking on new focuses and dimensions. At this stage of life, these are the things that I am clinging to and working to understand. 

I was listening to "The Fiddler on the Roof" soundtrack the other day. I seriously love this musical. I was listening to the song "Tradition" and it hit me how important tradition is. Sometimes things need to change and in some areas the church needs to grow with the changing times. But on the other hand, there is definitely something to be said for the importance of tradition within a society, religion, and/or culture. Tradition is what ties one generation to the next and to the next and so forth. I think globalization and industrialization exacerbate the loss of tradition. It is tradition that sets one culture apart from the next. Without it we lose the beauty of the diversity of mankind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though the culture of mormonism is peculiar and a bit old fashioned in some respects, it is part of the tradition of my forefathers and foregrandmothers and I'm not ashamed of it. I respect and love and am forever indebted to them for their sacrifices and making it possible for me to be who I am today.