my brother's beautiful private wedding in langkawi

this is another long overdue post. i was going to blog about my brother Iz & Ili's wedding but i was too busy being pregnant. so now, i'm coming back with a vengeance. and a lot of delayed back-posting. bear with me because there will be a lot of 'cerita basi'. as basi as Arwen's first day of school. ok, bukan basi lagi dah tu, dah jadi kimchi kot.

anyway, before i start to write the blog about the June wedding and our holiday, i'll give you (whoever yang belum got the link from FB & twitter dulu) .. a taste of the wedding in video, inspirationally done by the cana family, just to sum up on how mind-blowingly beautiful it was. belum tulis apa alih-alih dah summary. heh.

Wedding Movie: Ili and Kude in Malaysia from The Cana Family on Vimeo.

When trying to get baby to sleep...

Inilah perangai budak kecik ni kalau nak tidur sekarang.

For a boy, Ayden kuat melalak. Why? I don't know. namanya pun "little fire" kan? Semua benda nak nangis. Lapar, nangis. Nak kentut, nangis. In the middle of his sleep pun dia boleh nangis tiba-tiba pasal nak lepaskan kentut. dah lepas, dia boleh sambung tido balik like it was just a bad dream. Nak tido pun, kena nangis dulu. Ada one time tu, dia bangun tido, nangis untuk nak tido balik. apa punya perangai ntah.

Sometimes both of us pun tak boleh nak pacify dia so my mom will take him and tidokan dia. 9.5 out of 10 times, she succeeds. sometimes my brother will take him and serenade him to sleep. because Ayden is colicky, he prefers to be bounced / rocked / swayed / lullabied / sometimes all at once to sleep like how it's demonstrated above by my beautiful mother. like a little superman. and it'll work even better when there's music in the background. dia gayat but maybe sedap perut kot bila ada pressure kat perut camtu. sekarang 4.7 kg boleh lah dukung that way. cuba lagi sebulan dua ...

lepas dah jadi little superman, he has to sleep on the chest for a while until at least he's snoring. like a little koala pulak. Arwen was this way too. i kinda love it because i'm not breastfeeding (much) anymore so this is a way to bond with my baby. some people are against me doing this lest the baby gets too attached. isn't that the point? some people really don't think before they speak. they're too engrossed with butting into people's business that they fail to realize they contradict themselves. so they condemn me for not breastfeeding because i'm not doing my best to strengthen my bond with the baby, but when i koala him, they say the baby will get too attached?

some people just need to shut up and go away far far.

baby product review - cleanoz

Ayden has been getting flu on and off since he was 3 weeks old. he caught it first from his Dad, and when he was just about to get better, he caught another round from his sister. and then, just as it's about to dry up, i caught the flu bug as well and he's back at it again.

he does not really have runny nose, but it's more like thick mucus stuffing up his breathing. and what do you expect from a baby? he can't possibly blow his nose yet, not till he's two and a half at least, so can you imagine how uncomfortable it is for him to drink and sleep?

from past experience we know that the normal rubber nose bulb suction thing would not work. Masa dengan Arwen dulu, i had 2 of those and they were practically useless. Sampai tahap geram punya pasal i went all old skool on her mucus and sucked them out with my mouth. i saw my Arwah grandma doing that to my then baby cousin and i was totally grossed out by it but hey, when you're a mom .. you just have to suck it in, no pun intended. Arwen has also pretty strange sinus problems and she catches flu really quickly once the bug is around. so we have been  going to Dr. Christopher Lim at Ampang Puteri to suck her mucus out coz he's got this industrial strength electronic nasal vacuum that could probably suck the blackheads on my nose.

we bought Cleanoz before Ayden's birth because i wasnt going to suck nose gunk with my mouth anymore. and i'm glad we bought it early, at least we had it conveniently ready. although i never thought i'd be using it as early as 3 weeks old. Cleanoz is a battery operated nasal aspirator that uses this balloon suction to expel the nose gunk.

it's really easy to use. bunyi masa dia suck je lah agak intimidating, but it's really easy. only requires you to press and release using two fingers, one to hold the pressure hole and the other for the on/off button. just place the nozzle into the nostrils, tak payah dalam-dalam sangat nanti kembang semangkuk pulak hidung baby tu tak comel dah. and then cover the hole and press the button until the nozzle balloons up. it'd automatically stop sucking when it got something. selagi the balloon tak kembang when you press the on/off button, maknanya still ada hingus lagi lah tu. and then take a kleenex, release the hole and button to dump the secretion. i selalu nak cepat, dump kat pipi baby je sementara. kalau pergi doctor pun dorang buat camtu jugak. after that take a tissue and wipe it all off lah.

it's not painful or invasive to baby - or at least i think it's not. well, at first Ayden did not like it very much but after a while he got the idea that what we were doing was actually helping him feel better so he'll sometimes just lay there quietly and enjoy letting his nose being unstuffed.

it has pretty strong suction power once you change the batteries to better ones. (it comes with batteries but you know lah, the cheap, brand ntah apa-apa ones). it comes with 3 disposable nozzles and you can always get the replacement nozzles at any baby stores carrying the product. we got ours from MotherCare. i think you can also find them online. the nozzles are about RM20 for 10. i think the nasal aspirator was about RM120+. it's a good investment, trust me.

i also use it with Sterimar, introduced to us by Ayden's paed at Naluri. it's basically a saline spray to help moisten and soften the mucus / booger for easier suction. it can also be like a nose douche, cleaning and clearing up the nose.  i don't know if you can find this or other brand of nasal saline spray online or at any pharmacies. we've been getting them from the clinic. bila habis je i'd ask the doctor for a canister. so far dah go through 2 canisters. i'm using the one on the far left, the one with the dolphin.

   

the labour story. part deux.

(looonggggg overdue, i know. i'm sorry. but it has to be done for my keepsake, if it's not for anything else. so here goes)

this pregnancy was kind of unkind to me from the very beginning. from being so sick with nausea which resulted to me being hospitalized twice, to a breeched baby and placenta previa scare, to the possibility for a c-sect, i prayed for a smooth and easy delivery when the time comes. but i've got a baby who's fiery and defies all expectations so, when we decided to give him a name which bears the meaning "little fire" .. i can't really expect for smooth and easy, now can i?

NOOOOOOOOO.

i started to feel braxton hicks contractions from week 20-ish onwards but it was sporadic until i reached 35th week that i started to time it. by 35th week also, i've started to tell people that i WILL, not might, but WILL be giving birth in a couple of week's time, when i thought that i will be giving birth via c-section. then, at the unknowingly last check-up, we found out that the baby's is engaged and the placenta has moved up and i can hope for a vaginal delivery. when asked about the due date, the doctor said it could be on the 1st or 7th of October. but of course, i would not have any of that. i want to get over the pregnancy as quickly as i could. so by week 36th, i started to 'talk' (i even tweeted) to the baby, urging him to come out within the next week, when he's safe to come out. it worked when i was pregnant with Arwen so i was hoping this baby would listen too. even my boss prophesied that i'd deliver by the Malaysia Day week.

FRIDAY, 14th September 2012

i was busy all week prior to the delivery, finishing up on work and getting new assignments that i had to finish urgently coz everyone feared i would go into labour anytime soon. starting from thursday, i've started to feel my braxton hicks contractions at 15-20 mins apart. on friday, i took leave because the contractions were constant and predictable although it was pretty mild. i waited but it didn't progress. i had the sudden urge to undo and redo the baby's wardrobe. the last time that happened, i gave birth to Arwen the very next day.


SATURDAY, 15th September 2012

My braxton hicks were still pretty mild, but it was progressing with 10-minute intervals. i didn't do anything the whole day besides laying in bed and timing the contractions. i didn't really sleep because the contractions and anxiety kept me awake. other than that, the day went by uneventful. the husband had asked me a few times if i wanted to go see the doctor but i told him it's not time yet. i even told him that it's not painful yet.


SUNDAY, 16th September 2012

woke up in the morning, still getting mild contractions at 10 minutes apart. and i was hungry. so i told my husband i wanted nasi lemak and thought about Oldtown Kopitiam at Permata and figured we can drop by the baby store on the top floor above the restaurant for some baby shopping. but once we got into the car, we made a detour to go to Pappa Rich at Taman Melati instead. We reached there, ordered a hearty breakfast like as if it's gonna be my last breakfast ever, and even ordered something to take away for lunch at home.

by the time i had my 'dessert' of roti canai with banana and ice cream and milo dinosaur, i started to get rather shorter contraction intervals. 5 minutes apart this time. and i finally gave in, told the husband that i think we should go see the doctor now. so we got home, i stayed in the car while the husband dropped off the food we tapau. sempat lagi dia pergi berak dulu. once he's done, he rushed into the car, and i pointed that he forgot to close the door. i was like "i yang nak beranak you yang panic, apahal?". Ada je hal Ayis ni. Time Arwen dulu, kata "i rasa dah time nak beranak" dia dengar I kata "yang, jom masak".

about 5 minutes later, we reached Naluri Medical Centre in Wangsa Maju and went straight up to the delivery wards since the doctor's not in as it was a Sunday and a public holiday. the nurse did a little, by little i mean an invasive finger-rape, i mean probe, into my vagina to see how much i have opened. turns out, i have been in labour all these while and i have opened up to almost 2 cm. they called the doctor and she said i had to be warded. i know it's still mild and it's gonna be a while as they told me it's mild, so i asked if i could go home and go through the early phase in the comfort of my own bedroom. they weren't comfortable with it and told me to wait till the doctor comes in and check me.

around 4pm, the doctor finally came and she probed me once again and i'm already opened to about 3cm. my brother warned me against taking the air selusuh this soon for fear that i might feel the urge to push but not fully dilated. the doctor gave me the green light for a home leave and told me to come back after Isyak, or when the water broke / have a bloody show / any related problems, whichever comes first. she was even confident that i will be having this baby before midnight.

so we went home, ate the lunch we tapau, sat in bed and timed the contractions which were getting closer and much more painful. maybe i was too focussed on the contractions that i had not realize that the baby was not moving. just before Maghrib, we went back to the clinic and told the nurses about my paranoia. they strapped on the CTG belt on me and assured me the baby and my BP were just fine. so we went back up to my room on the 4th floor and waited it out.

a few minutes later, and after a really strong contraction, i felt wet down there. thinking it was my water leaking, i stood up and found some blood stains on the bed. it was not like the black blood stain i had when i was in early labour with Arwen. this was fresh blood. i panicked again. i called the nurses and they kept on telling me it's normal. maybe it's normal for them, they see this every day, but this is my second child and i had a different experience with the first, so to me, this is beyond normal. by the time i finished talking on the phone with the nurses, my husband saw me dripping blood onto the floor and he, who's even more anxious and panicky than me, told me that we should walk down to the wards straight to the nurses and have it checked out. i complied. i was in no position to melawan with anyone right now.

as i walked out of the room, i felt another contraction coming on so i leaned against the wall to brace for it. suddenly i felt something unplugged from somewhere down there and something wet and jello-like slid down my leg and onto the floor. i looked down and saw a piece of what i thought was my internal organ as big as the palm of my hand. it seriously looked like a piece of liver, or lean meat. i saw what mucus plug looked like when i was in labour with Arwen and this was definitely not mucus plug. that was, apparently, blood clot. yes, blood clot, AS BIG AS MY LIVER. i was dripping blood everywhere and when i reached the wards on the 2nd floor, i was checked again and was already dilated to 4cm. i was still leaking blood and had to be put in diapers. having a baby is very beautiful, indeed. ppfbt.

they gave me an enema and i went straight to the toilet. there, i 'gave birth' to yet another huge blood clot along with everything i ate prior to that. i was also starting to leak water together with all that blood. totally different from my experience with Arwen where the doctor had to forcefully puncture my water bag and let the whole delivery room flood with amniotic fluids.

by 9pm, i was in the delivery room already and i braced waves after waves of really intense contractions. ayis was by my side the whole time, reciting the quran. at one time, i caught him practicing the Azan for after the baby is out. i thought it was so funny that i had to laugh at him, in between clenching my teeth and everything else during the contractions.

MONDAY, 17th September 2012

by 11.30, i was opened to about 5cm and we have came to terms that the baby wont be a Malaysia Day baby as i have hoped for afterall. time moves rather weirdly during labour. one minute felt like forever but turns out, it was already past midnight. at this time, i could not take the contractions any more anymore so i decided for an epidural.

i know it's probably gonna burst our budget but i could not handle the contractions. it was too freaking painful. the anesthesiologist came in about an hour later and i remember her telling the nurses that she was sleepy and had to drag her son to drive her to the clinic at this ungodly hour. sleepy doctor who is about to poke my spine with a huge needle is something i rather not know at this moment but i was in too much pain to protest. i would've agreed to morphine or perhaps a bullet to the forehead if someone had offered.

after 3 trials of needle-poking into my spine, the epidural finally kicked in. but i think i had some complications coz my whole right side was in pins and needles. and i felt cold. i don't know if it was because of the aircond, or the midnight chill outside, or the epidural, or the fear i was having but i remember i was shivering. i felt the contractions but i did not have the pain. it was awesome. well, except for chills and the pins and needles lah. at almost 2am, my OBGYN came in and suddenly, i'm already ready to give birth. last time we checked 2 hours ago, i was only opened at 5cm and now i'm ready to push? awesome. let's go!

i had to push a few times more than i did with Arwen coz i could not hold my breath. i was even scolded by the doctor for sucking the baby back in. it's not like i can help it. i could not feel anything down there. finally, after a gruelling and painful labour of more than 8 hours, at 2.22 am, i heard the familiar but unfamiliar cry, and the doctor handed me my baby boy. i choked up a "Hi, sayang. I'm your Mama". Ayis had the honour of cutting the baby's cord this time. he didn't get the chance to with Arwen and when the doctor gave him the surgical scissors, he didn't know what to do with it.

it was beautiful. he is beautiful. the indescribable feeling of insurmountable happiness and inconsolable sadness, fear and hope, excitement and lethargy, torn and whole, love and even more love than i could possibly imagine i could ever feel all rolling into one hot, bloody, bipolar mess that i was on that delivery table - the exact same feeling i had when i had Arwen all came gushing back to me. kind of celestial, really. imagine watching the inception of the universe from the big bang to what it is today in 2 seconds flat.it was beautiful. overwhelming but beautiful.

Ayden was taken to be weighed and washed and I did not see him again until after i had a good rest. Ayden was small at birth, only 2.25 kg and i did not require any stitches down there, lucky me. the doctor even told me that it was just a light graze, like as if it was just a rug burn. just a scrape, can you believe it? but in all honesty, i would not even feel a thing even if she told me it was a huge tear.





i was left alone on the delivery table to rest until about 7 am. the whole time, i was still having pins and needles due to the epidural. then i was wheeled to my room upstairs and rested some more. i don't know what time it was when the nurse brought me my son but after i sent him back to the nursery for a diaper change, the whole family came to see us. the epidural needle on my back was another issue though. it was not pulled out immediately because of the complication, so i had to awkwardly sleep on my sides for the next 2 days until the pins and needles wore off.

now, my family is complete and i could not be more blessed than this. i cannot believe i am capable of giving another person my undivided, unencumbered, undying love after Arwen but now i know it is possible. i have done many things that make my parents un-proud, and i know i am unworthy of this much love and bliss but with every breath i take, i am thankful and grateful for these gifts.

Alhamdulillah.

my daily routine with the new baby, or at least until a couple of weeks more till i start work

i know, i know. i'm done with my 44-day confinement and my maternity leave is almost ending (sob sob) and it's a little too late to be talking about my new daily routine now that the baby's here since it's gonna change again in a few days time. i'll be starting back work on the 19th so i'm just gonna take this time to enjoy being with my kids all the time for the rest of my leave because i don't have anymore leave days left and will be working till my birthday.

i have been meaning to write about the delivery, which is already halfway done and saved as draft for more than a month now. fact is, it's not that i don't have the time to update but the net has been wonky for the past few weeks and now that Fadz has rectify it, i'm busy downloading tv series and when Ayden's asleep, i rather be watching them or catch up on my sleep. face it, sleep and tv is more important and i can blog in the office when i'm not busy so i may look like i am actually doing something. perks of being a writer at work. people don't question when you're busy typing and looking dead focused.

anyway, before my routine changes, i decided to diary it up. honestly, i can't remember what my early days with Arwen was like so it helps to have this documented for i might use it against the kids when they grow up.

wait, i don't even know where to start. i mean at what time does my day actually start? after a long sleep? because i no longer have long sleeps. the most sleep i have so far is 3 hours and they're not easy to come by. Ayden's on a growth spurt right now and he's cluster feeding. it could be every 2-3 hours, sometimes it's every hour or so. sometimes, an hour of much needed sleep feels like i've slept for 7 hours.

6.00 AM

Arwen will be up. because her Oma is up for Subuh prayers and since she now sleeps with her Oma, she's aware that she's alone and that bothers her so she will wake up and come into our room for her milk and some cartoon network. sometimes, she'll wake up as early as 5.30 am. yup, she's much like her dad, an early riser. even during weekends and public holidays when they are supposed to be an OH GOD PLEASE LET ME SLEEP IN days. usually, on weekdays, Ayis will be up too, getting ready for work. and usually, he'll make Arwen her milk and wash and sterilize the bottles used the hours before. ayden, on the other hand, may or may not still be sleeping around this time, and that goes the same, in my case.

7.30 AM
my mom will get Arwen ready for school. if i'm still sleeping, her noise and ruckus will stir my sleep but i will not wake up until ayden's awake. if ayden's awake, i'd either be feeding him, or changing him, or cuddling him to sleep.

8.30 AM

My mom will send Arwen to school via the school bus. i know, school's almost ending and Arwen still wants my mom to follow her on the school bus. after that, my mom will walk back home. on her way back, she'll stop by the sidewalk gerai-gerai to get us breakfast, and maybe lunch. if not, she'll come home to make and bring me some toasts, hot chocolate, yogurt and fruits. sebab masa pantang kan, tak boleh main turun naik tangga so my mom will bring me the food into my room. bangun-bangun je ada food on the table. manja gila, ek? dah habis pantang baru I turun bawah and make myself some coffee or cereal. tapi kadang, my mom will still bring up breakfast for me. dah tua-tua ni kena dimanjakan mak best kan? thank you for taking care of me, mama.



9.00-11.00 AM

Ayden will be awake and i'll get up to feed or change him. sometimes i have to fully change him into another set of clothes coz he'll leak. and when i change him, it means that the socks will have to match whatever onesie he's wearing, even if we only staying at home and nobody cares. 'change' would entitle the whole attire from top to toe. i'm OCD that way. but Ayden hates to be changed and he'll make it known. LOUDLY. it doesn't even matter if it's at 3 AM or 3 PM. he'll scream. i don't blame the little guy, really. we gave him a name that means "little fire" and that's exactly what we got. i'll be fully awake around this time. like, actually up and about. like brushing my teeth and washing my face and making the bed and cleaning the room and washing bottles and such. if Ayden's up, my mom will bathe him and while she feeds him, i'll take my shower. if my mom's busy, i'll take him out of the room and bring him downstairs for some change of scenery. if not, i'll watch some TV while i wait for him to wake up.

ayden bathes only once a day. for some reasons, my mom says that boys can't be sejuk-sejuk too much so once a day is enough. if he's not fully awake, like more than half an hour, he'll bathe in the morning. if not it'll be in the evening. he hates to be naked anyway, so it works.


12.30-2.00 PM

Arwen arrives home from school and after a quick shower, we'll have lunch. and then she'll watch more cartoon network while i or mom attend to Ayden's fussy needs. he wants to stay up but he doesnt know what else to do so he'll cry and we'll feed him and he'll cry some more and we'll burp him and he'll puke and that's how the story goes. he doesn't really have a set routine so we have to play it by ear (or smell). if he sleeps, we do our own thing. sometimes i'll take this time to pay a little bit more to my now attention-deprived daughter and draw or write or spell or do maths or read with her. if not, she'll watch some TV, play with my phone or iPad, draw and colour stuff or get her toys and play by herself.

2.00-6.00 PM

i have no idea what goes on around this time. once every two days i'll do a bit of Ayden's laundry. yeah, he's small but he goes through a lot more towels and onesies than his sis. i do Arwen's laundry every 2 weeks because she has a lot of clothes. if i do it once a week, i'll have no place in her cupboards to put her clothes away. so my logic is, half in the cupboards, half in the laundry basket, at all times. well, except for her school uniforms that i hand wash every weekend. other than laundry, i'll either attempt to entertain the baby, who now prefers to stay up for 2-3 hours. he'll 'watch' some cartoons with his sister, or watch me watch him, or he'll cry inconsolably until he's too tired to go on and get some sleep. i sometimes, if i'm too tired, will sleep with him. ever since i've been at home, Arwen no longer takes her afternoon nap so we'll watch some cartoons together.

6.00 PM-9.00 PM

the husband gets home from work, bringing home some dinner for the family. Ayden's usually sleeping around this time so i'll either be doing some cleaning up like washing more bottles or eat dinner while the baby's still asleep. or i'll watch some TV. i mean after half day of cartoons, i need to watch some actual TV. if there's nothing to watch on Astro, i'll catch up on the stuff i've downloaded. Ayis would rather watch his fishes so for now, he's not really bothered with the TV unless Chelsea has a game on. oh yeah, Ayis has a new hobby now, salt water aquarium. it's annoying when he pays more attention to the tank than to his one crying and the other whining kid but i honestly, i rather have him do this than his previous past time when we just had Arwen dulu. it's like he takes up a new thing every time i give birth. during Arwen's time, he was into paintball which is more annoying than anything else he's taken up since i've known him. i dont really mind the hot toys collection which are now collecting dusts. those are all ok compared to paintball which had him away for an entire day and when he came back, he'll be too tired to help me out with the baby. that phase, almost made me meroyan. sometimes, after dinner, i'll watch my TV series, take a short nap to anticipate his scheduled 11PM fuss.

Arwen will already be sleeping around 8 PM and she'll stay asleep until 6 AM so i get a little relieve from one noise and just attend to the baby. all is good.


10.00 PM - 1.30 AM

for someone who doesnt follow a routine, Ayden gets up within this time to fuss and fume and fret like nobody's business. every single night, like clockwork. he'll feed and leak and cry and i'll pass him around between mom and me. ayis will already pass out by 9-ish and he doesnt get up even with the incessant wailing. but if i'm at the brink of temporary insanity, i'll wake him up to help put Ayden to sleep. usually he'll rock him to sleep better than the exhausted mom and grandma. in the mean time, i'll prepare his stuff such as diapers, change of clothes, towels, diaper cream and minyak yuyi, wet tissue and water with cotton balls next to the bed so i don't have to get out of bed and get those stuff. i'd also prepare his bottles with water and replace each one into to bottle warmer after each feeding and fill his milk dispenser to minimize and strategize my time to avoid unnecessary wailing.



1.30 AM - 6.00 AM

even if he finally sleeps, i can't because i have to let him sleep on me for at least an hour before i put him on his mat, turn him over on his tummy. he sleeps next to me in bed for the time being because he'll be awake every 2-3 hours. well, now it's 3-4 hours. so it's easier for us to be in bed together so i don't really have to get up and get stuff to change him in case he's wet or dirty. the husband sacrifices his back to sleep on the floor for the time being until Ayden sleeps the entire night. he'll usually wake up at least once within this time for a feed. and he'll go back to sleep right after or mid-feed. since i'm already doing formula feeding with him, it only takes half and hour or so. when i was breastfeeding,  i'll burp him and put him back on his tummy. initially i had to wake up every hour coz he was leaking and soaked his clothes right down to his sleeping mat. but i learnt to 'park' his thingy downwards and hence, less leaks and less time and stress of changing him.



so there. that's my routine like for the past 50 days. it's been quite manageable with Ayden, maybe because i already know what to expect and i know how to handle a new baby (sorta) now. maybe i have much more help with my mom, ayis and my brother and even Arwen has shown how helpful and dependable she can be in helping around with the baby. i mean, if Ayden's need changing, she'll ask if he's pooped or peed and she'll help take whatever's needed to change her baby brother, without being asked to. she'll even help wipe Ayden's puke or drool and watch adik if i need to go to the toilet or get a drink or something.

i'll update on Ayden's delivery story once i get back to work. maybe i'll throw in a new newsletter while i'm at it. who knows. till then ...


 

hello world!

Hello world. Meet Ayden Haris Johanabas bin Azrin Haris, whose name means the Protector of Light. ok, fine, technically Ayden means "little fire or fiery" and haris means "the guardian". so i made it a little bit more poetic than just "the fiery guardian" which totally means differently than "protector of light". i could say it means "keeper of the flame" but that's a bit cliche coz i was at the Keepers of the Flame leadership programme in Gopeng when i first sortta had an inkling of suspicion that i was pregnant. and besides, "keepers of the flame" is already trademarked. heh. i think.

Ayden was born at 37 weeks on the dot, on Monday, 17th September 2012 at 2.22 am. Expecting for him to be born on the 16th since it is Malaysia Day and his sister was born on Merdeka Day. Hoping we'd get patriotic babies, even if their mom is the least patriotic person on the entire planet. ok fine, i wanted my babies to be born on public holidays so there's no need for us to take leave to celebrate their birth. besides, free fireworks? hello?

He's a little fire alright, living up to his name. little, being just 2.25 kg at birth, and only 45cm long. but he cried bloddy murder right after birth. a firecracker, indeed.

i will update on the labour story soon(ish) when i find the time to. insyallah.

updates

i'm coming into my 36th week, which means that i'm on labour watch starting now. rasa macam nak cepatkan lagi. tak larat already. tak larat nak bangun at 6 everyday pergi kerja, tak larat nak keluar rumah by 6.30 and sampai office before 7am. melangok je sorang-sorang. central aircond pun tak bukak lagi. check on FB and twitter, bumpwatch celebrities on the net and feel inadequate and lament on the fact that my pregnancy seems longer then theirs. (seriously, kejap je their bump besar and then beranak). sometimes, i siap boleh tido lagi sejam until work starts at 8.30.

some days, when i'm really tired and immovable, i'll doze off on my table around 11-ish, or 3-ish. kalau boss ada i tak tido lah, kurang ajar namanya tu. serious penat and sleepy. can't sleep well anymore now that the tummy is almost visible from space. one night last week, i woke up around 2.30 ish to pee and poop and i could not go back to sleep. i was having rather frequent Braxton Hicks, and it's everytime i coughed. and with the Braxton Hicks, i was having tummy cramps that made me purge. i didn't sleep until 7 something. had to ponteng work to sleep.

tossing and turning in bed is like a chore. i have to physically hold my tummy and carry it to one side first before i can move my entire body. my back from the shoulder down is killing me. to make it worse, the baby wont let me sleep on my sides. it's much more comfortable for both of us when i sleep on my back, but now that he's 2.5kg, that position is rather ridiculous for my spine. but despite that, people have pointed out that my tummy is not as big as when i was carrying Arwen around this time. i couldnt agree more. i rasa, with Arwen i had a lot of water retention. so much so that my feet grew 1 size bigger, they were so swollen i cannot even make a step without crying. i can't even wear my wedding ring. this time around, it's not as bad. i can still wear the ring. but i'm in fitflops most of the time so i'm not sure if my feet grew more.

oh! good news from the last checkup. the baby is engaged! he's turned around and is already in position for labour. and my (or is it the baby's) placenta has moved up a bit. turns out it was just type 1 - low-lying placenta preavia. it was probably the baby's breached position with his leg stomping on it like he's making placenta wine that made it penyek and seemingly ke bawah. now that he's turned around and left the placenta alone, it's ok. let's just hope he stays this way until delivery. a delivery we can now hope for a normal one instead of a c-sect. which means that i'll just have to leave it up to the baby when he's ready to come out. but i'm kinda coaxing him to not wait around for too long. with Arwen dulu pun, by the time we reached 37 weeks i was already telling her that it's ok if she wants to come early and guess what? she listened! that was just one of the times she listens to her mom lah. dah besar ni memang takde lah, kan?

i stll have not gotten around to write about Arwen's birthday celebration. malas betul nak ambik and edit the pics from my brother's camera. memang dah takde kudrat nak buat anything more than just lying in bed watching TV. Nasib baik now Arwen's big enough to go pee and wash herself after. Berak je I bangun to cuci her. kalau tak, penat you kejap kejap nak bangun! dahlah dia banyak kencing. bukan bapak dia tak tolong, but bila bapak dia tido, takkan nak kejut takat nak cebok anak. tappiiiiiii... dah ada new baby nanti memang i tak pedulik. dia kena bangun jugak! take turns to change and feed baby. but if the boobs work then feeding is all on me lah, kan? takleh macam dulu, i rasa cam taknak kejut pasal ye lah, kita cuti dia kerja so nak kena bangun awal kan? tapi sebab dah nyaris meroyan dulu, dia kena faham yang cuti bersalin tu bukan cuti namanya. serious lagi penat dari kerja. dengan tak tido, dengan sakit, dengan tak bestnya berpantang, dengan baby meragam tak tau apa dia nak.

but lucky, my mom will be around during the day this pantang. dulu i was mostly alone, my dad je yang tolong prepare breakfast. lunch pun kadang, roti je coz it was puasa time so memang susah lah nak cari makan. most time, my dad will be out leaving me alone with the baby. arwen was oklah, senang nak jaga. letak je atas badan, dia diam, tido. call lah mcdonalds ke apa yang senang. pantang tak serupa pantang. pasal tu boleh mengelat bukak fridge or minum air sejuk sukati je. lepas tu bila sakit sengal satu badan, menyesal tak sudah. now, my mom dah full-time pencen, tolong jaga Arwen. at least she's around the whole day to help me pantang for real this time.

she's not that strict lah when it comes to pantang. just as long as i drink what i'm supposed to be drinking to get better, she's ok with that. pakai shorts, tido dalam aircond pun ok je. takdelah sampai kena 24 jam kena pilis, bengkung, ikat rambut ketat-ketat cam nek kebayan, pakai kain batik dengan socks, jalan terkemut-kemut macam kabuki girls. my mom is moderately modern when it comes to confinement. not that i'm excited about being in confinement or anything, but i know it's not gonna be as bad.

baby stuff is almost done preparing. just a few more items like changing mat (coz i dont know where i kept the one i had with Arwen), formula milk on standby, diapers and wipes. my hospital bag is not prepared yet, though. maybe because i still have to wear some of the stuff that i'm planning to pack. but i will have to get around to do it soon, now that i'm on labour watch. i dont know when i'll be in labour, it could be anytime from now so i best get everything prepared.

my brother's KL reception is on the 22nd and Arwen's got her first school concert show on the 30th where she's the leader and she has to introduce her class' number. i hope i won't be in labour on these dates. if in between takpe, just not during the events coz that would be very dramatic and the last thing i want is to steal anyone's thunder by screaming "oh my god, my water broke!"  

nama baby pun dah sort of finalized. biarpun my brothers tak berapa nak berkenan dengan the name but ultimately, siapa lagi important? THE MOM WHO CARRIED HIM FOR ALMOST 40 WEEKS AND PUSHED HIM OUT THROUGH HER VAGINA (hopefully), kan? but yeah, we're gonna have to wait and look at the baby's face for the first time nanti baru boleh know which name suits him more. kinda like i did with Arwen. we had a few first names on standby but once i saw her face, i could tell she's kind of an Aryanna. 'Arwen' was already predetermined from the moment we knew she's a girl. With this one, the second name is already a given as my husband, whose name is Azrin Haris, wants 'Haris' for his son. we had discussed about this on our first pregnancy lagi. now that we know it's a boy. 99% sure as we saw the pointy bit of his thing proudly displayed where my husband said "macam tu laaa anak Deidi!". so we only had to think of the first name. At first we kinda wanted Hayden Haris. but Hayden doesnt carry any significant meaning, so i was inclined towards Ayden, which means 'little fire/fiery" and it's a name, although different spelling variations, means the same in Greek, Gaelic, even Arabic. i realize it's a pretty common name in these 2 years but i love how it rolls on the tongue - Ayden Haris. and it kinda rings well when paired with his sister's name - Arwen & Ayden. nak marah dua-dua pun sedap gak nak jerit.

but my brother is kinda adamant, if not really pushy, about naming his nephew Avenger Haris. but he'll settle for Aven Haris. at first i was kinda "hmmm... that's a nice name" until a few days later, practising with the name, it started sounding like Avent. yup, the baby bottle brand. so, yeah, i scrapped it off. although now, Arwen's been telling people that her brother's name is Aven.

i think that's all the update i have for now. i'm just leaving it up to baby and Allah and praying for an early-but-not-too-early and smooth delivery.

finally nesting

so yeah, we finally got around to nesting, right after raya, as promised (sortta made a promise on twitter that i would). went to ikea after raya to get a new cot and mattress and new beddings, for the baby's bed and ours. we also got some boxes to put on our already available shelves to store the baby's clothes. until the husband realize that it's so kesian for our baby boy to have his clothes and things in boxes rather than actual drawers like his sister have. so he went to ikea again to get a new drawer for the baby, along with some compartments to organize all the small stuff (pictured above) in like socks & booties (which we almost never use. i prefer actual socks), mittens (pakai sebulan je normally, until i've summoned enough courage to trim the baby nails), bibs, napkins for drool, beanies (tak pakai pun tapi it came with the onesies set so letak je lah), burp cloth, bengkung, a bankie with teether that Arwen never used, some swaddle wraps, etc.

the middle drawer is where i store all the clothes. i thought Arwen had mostly pink / girly onesies but it turns out that she also had a lot of items that her brother can wear again. Alhamdulillah. no wonder i was having a hard time explaining to people that Arwen's a girl when she was an infant. it was because she was wearing a lot of gender-neutral clothes. i was prepared to go get some new clothes for baby boy but i think it's sufficient until he reaches 4 months old. then we have to get some new clothes because then Arwen has started to wear a lot of pinks and girly stuff. but i did already get new somethings for the baby like his bring-home clothes after the delivery, and a few cute blue onesies and socks. it's just fair, right?

and my brother just got us a new stroller. Arwen's old pink SCR1 is pink, and wobbly and we know we needed a new one for the baby. Ayis was looking at a complete travel set, one that has the bucket seat which we can makeshift into a car seat for the time being. Arwen was never put in a car seat when she was an infant so by the time she was able to seat on the maxi-cozi toddler seat Ayis' cousin lent us, she didn't want to coz she rather sit on my lap. and i hated her fussing about in that car seat and it made me nauseous so i gave in and just put her on my lap. and then we got unexpected news that we might have to go for a c-sect and that basically burst his budget for the stroller. we put that in the back-burner and just thought that we'd just use the baby bjorn that my brother got for us to babywear Arwen.

with Arwen, the baby bjorn only lasted about till she's only just 6 months because she was already too heavy for us to wear. and by the time we put her in a stroller, she was fussing about uncomfortably. which is why we wanted to just put the baby in the stroller from the get-go so that he'll be used sitting in there and be pushed around. and i wanted something that can be rearward facing coz it's much more convenient to watch the baby that way.

anyway, with the news, and budget burst, we have to rethink about the stroller. until my very generous brother whose satisfaction in life is to spoil the shit out of his niece(s) and nephew(s) *should he has more in the future, not from us, NOOOOOOOOO. but from my newly wed brother. speaking of whom, i need to write about the wedding in langkawi but i digress. i always digress* said that he'd gift to us the stroller. so one day, on Arwen's birthday (which i also need to blog about, eventually), he brought home a Quinny Buzz with the maxi-cosi bucket seat. one of my dream stroller. Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Falie. but considering that this will probably be our last baby (if i can help it), it seems a little excessive thing to have, right? which means that we're gonna have to be careful with it so we can hand-down to our niece/nephew, InsyaAllah. now i cannot wait to deliver and get over with with my  confinement so we can take the baby out shopping in the dream stroller. first place i wanna go to, H&M. have you checked out the kids & baby clothes on the website yet? omg. oh, i'd probably not take the Buzz to KLCC coz that will suck.

again, i digress.

there are still some baby & mom essentials that we need to get. i know i've made a list but now i dont know where i've placed it. hmmm. i know i need to get a set of new toiletries, new bottles and warmer - probably a new sterilizer in case the new bottles don't fit into Arwen's existing one as we plan to get Tommee Tippee bottles now whereas Arwen's using Avent. yup, she still not weaned off her bottles and i'm fighting a losing battle because i'm a wuss. we might also need to invest in a good breast pump and other breastfeeding essentials. we need to see if the boobs work first as the last time, they were HUGE disappointments, so we'll see how it goes.  

i'll make a new complete checklist that will probably be not really THAT complete and share it so other new mums can use it in the future, yeah?

sickos .. they're everywhere

Just read about another alleged paedophile the insensitive Malaysian judiciary system let go because of  reasons i cannot fathom at all. first it was because the pedo has a promising future in sports (dafuq?), and then the bum who's young and also has a promising future doing god knows what (dafuq?), and today, a 50yo kindy owner who allegedly raped a 4 year old girl was let go because the judge believes that the kid's testimony is unreliable as it was just a little girls fantasy? (multiple dafuqs).

you know who makes me sicker than these perverts? the judges.

perverts and sexual predators are everywhere. but i would like to rest easy knowing that if these perverts are ever caught, the law would bring them to justice. now i don't know. having a daughter now makes me really worried that i would just like for her to stay home and be home-schooled until she finishes her second PHD, and will only be ok to date when she's 30. or i arrange for her marriage when she reaches 30. it's a scary world out there with the technology and social media and now rendered unable to trust the 'law' we have here? i'm glad for my friends who have boys because they need not worry about these things.

reading about these sick stories make me realize that maybe i should tell mine. a story i never really told anyone. only a handful of people know about this - my mom, my aunt, and my husband. no, it's not that i was raped, but it was traumatic enough that it has scarred me until today. and no, contrary to the what that judge from the recent case believe, it's not a fantasy, or an exaggeration either. i think it's about time i should open up about this and maybe help open up other people's eyes that you can't really trust anyone, not even someone you call family.

i've had my share of sexual assaults when i was in school. i was flashed once, near school when i was in primary - the first time i ever saw a penis (ok fine, the first penis i saw was my brother's when he was a baby). i was lucky i was with some friends and we just laughed at that man and ran away. i guess that was not what he expected to happen, girls laughing at his penis, so he just walked away.

and there were a couple of times that i was assaulted when i was in secondary. once, my boob was grabbed hard by a boy on a bicycle when he passed by me as i was walking home alone from tuition. and then it was in the bas mini No 20 on my way back home. i was sitting at the very back of the bus, on the long seat with my youngest brother sitting / sleeping next to me by the window. the bus was relatively empty because both of us had something at our schools that day so my brother and i went home early. so this guy who was sitting at the other end of the long seat, slid sideways towards me at every turn the bus made. and you know how sharp the turns a mini bus used to make those days, right? so by the 3rd corner, the guy was already sandwiching me between my sleeping brother and himself, pinning me. then he just slouched down, folded his arms and he was trying to worm one of his hands towards my crotch under the school bag i put on my lap. look, i was not asking for it, ok? i was wearing baju kurung, i had on geeky glasses, i am totally not the candidate of anybody's fantasy, ok? but of course, to a pervert and a pedo, that didn't matter. all they want is an opportunity and a cheap thrill. so i screamed at him and hit his hand hard in my defence. panicked, he pressed the bell and got off the bus. i managed to flip a finger at him. he just smiled, sortta satisfied. assdick.

and then there was this time in a really LRT before i was married. i managed to secure a spot, holding the pole in the middle of the coach. that's a prime spot for those who has to stand. of course i was oblivious to the people around me, minding my own business, listening to music on my iPod when i felt this body pinning me against the pole, both his arms kinda holding the pole with me in the middle. technically, he was hugging me. i couldnt turn around because it was packed. then i felt something poking my butt, i managed to glance my back and saw this fat guy, slightly shorter than me and i threw him an annoyed glance and a bitchface. he inched away. then he pinned me again and i felt his dick rubbing against my buttcrack. man, was i fucking pissed. since i could not move, i just simply stepped his toes / shoes with my heels and just put my weight down towards that heel. he yelped a bit and moved away and that's when i turned around and shouted at him to stay the fuck away from me. the other passengers around me was puzzled so i told them, rather loudly, that the guy was trying to rub his small dick on my butt. embarrassed, the pervert got off (no pun intended) at the very next stop, which was probably not his intended stop but who cares.

but those stories are basically nothing like what i'm about to write. those stories, i tell people over and over again. this story is something very personal that i'm not even sure i should open up about, but since i'm not gonna reveal who made me so traumatized, other that the fact that he's family, and to think it might open up unsuspecting eyes, maybe i should, considering the level of perversions happening around us these days.

this happened when i was in secondary. and it went on for about 3-4 years. one of my parent's cousins from JB was enrolled into a university in KL so he hung around the house regularly during the weekend. it was innocent at first, nothing happened. he was an uncle so i had respected him like an uncle. salam, cium tangan and all that. then he started to make advances towards me behind my parents. like if i salam him when nobody else was around, he'd extend his hands and grope one of my boobs. it just happened so fast that i could not defend myself. it happened a few more times until i got so scared that i just told him i had wuduq so i can't salam him.or when we pass by each other at the staircase, he'd reach over to touch my butt or  crotch or boobs. and then one day, he just grabbed my arms, and pin me against the wall and groped me all over. he even went into my room, raided my underwear drawer without me knowing and told me he knows my bra size and which brand of pad i'm using. and he'd ask me how i felt being touched like that. sicko. after the pinning me against the wall incident which scared the shit out of me, i just avoided him altogether. until this day. even if he's already married with 4 kids and i already have my own kid(s). i never expected this to happen with family. i thought you could always trust family. and knowing who kind, sweet and loving his parents are, i never expected him to do this kind of things. it sickens me till this day.

i never told this to my mom, until i realized that i have a cousin who was coming of age and lives in jb where he lives and will probably meet often. i was not sure if he was into those things anymore now that he's married with kids but i'll never know. so i opened up to my mom and told her everything and the reason why i'm telling it to her now. i was hoping we could do something to protect my other girl cousins. and then i told my aunt. both of them was of course shocked with the revelation, never expected their own cousin to do these kinds of things but i just told them to just keep an eye on this cousin in case history repeats itself again. you can never cure perversion. you can never really trust anyone, not even family.

so parents, especially of girls, please be ever watchful. predators are everywhere. if your kid tells you something, or are acting weird because they don't know how to tell you, listen. and take action.  

about placenta preavia

whenever i tell my condition/complication to someone, i.e breeched baby and placenta preavia, most of them will tell me to find a makcik to urut and make everything normal. obviously not many are educated about placenta preavia.

here, let me school you.

i sortta knew generally what the condition is before it happened to me. i know that it means that the placenta is not where it's supposed to be, which is on the top part of the womb. but in some cases, the placenta will grow at the lower part of the womb during early gestation or it would wait until the 2nd or 3rd trimester to drop. there are some women who are at risk of having placenta preavia like those who've had c-sect before, or those who's had placenta preavia in previous pregnancy, i even read somewhere that those who carry boys are more likely to get placenta preavia than those carrying girls. i don't know how true that fact is but it is interesting.

there are different types of placenta preavia. low-lying, means it's dangerously low but does not obstruct the cervix, normal birth is possible. then there's marginal - means it's low-lying but does not obstruct the birth canal; partial - a part of the placenta is covering the cervix; and total - meaning the whole placenta is covering the entire cervix. either way, c-sect is the safest way to go in these conditions. honestly, i have no idea which type is mine because my doctor only told me that my placenta has descended.

i don't know how it got descended because the week before Raya, when i found out the baby is breeched, i immediately asked the doctor if the placenta is still on top and she assured me that it is. then two weeks later, she told me somehow my placenta has moved downwards. i was speechless so i didn't ask further. i didn't know what to ask because i didn't know much about it. i will have another checkup in a week's time and i will ask the doctor more on this and hopefully get a long MC so i can bedrest myself at home until delivery.

but the doctor did warn me not to urut to try to correct the baby and placenta because it may rupture and lead to more complications like unstoppable bleeding and potentially kill me and/or the baby. or 'tumpah darah' in Malay. so now, i just have to be extra careful and not to be too active and move around so much. even bumpers and potholes are dangerous for me. it's better for me not to walk too much or stand or sit for too long too. also, if you're ok with having sex during pregnancy, you cannot do it if you have placenta preavia. i'm safe in that department (although not so much for my husband) because with both my pregnancies, i lost that loving feeling. *break into the song ala goose & maverick*

physically, i just feel a lot of weird in my crotch. every time the baby moves, i tend to hold my crotch coz it's too 'ngilu'. and this baby moves a lot. probably too much that he got himself breeched. every time i cough or sneeze, i hold myself down there coz i fear i might sneeze it out. lately, i've been peeing and pooping a lot - which is not helping with my anxiety. every time i go to the toilet i'll check for bleeding. it's just anxiety and paranoia, really. the final month of pregnancy is the most panic-inducing month of all, let alone having complications to stress more about. i know i should not stress on with this (unless required to) and just relish on the fact that i can be more mengada then ever by asking (i mean bossing) people around to help me do things. heh.

i am glad though, that the husband is also taking efforts to learn and understand about this. he's been googling, and asking his Aunt, who's a maternity nurse, about placenta preavia. and he's also asked around about what to expect for a c-sect. i'm glad. at first, probably coz he can't quite grasp what's going on, or just overwhelmed about the fact that we now have to source for more money than expected for the delivery now that it's clear that we're gonna have to go for a c-sect. he was so agitated that he went snappy and everything and poor Arwen. i had to remind him that it's not Arwen's fault, neither it is mine nor the baby's that i have placenta preavia. it's just something that just happened.  i think he's coming to terms with the whole situation and i am thankful that he's being so supportive and helpful. so helpful that he's now sending and fetching me to and from work, yup with all the traffic jam and all. thank you, sayang.

if you need to know more about placenta preavia, just google it lah.

pic source

if you look closely, you'll see the baby move

if i have one last message to say before delivery, this would be it.

ok fine, what i am about to say is not as dramatic as if i'm explaining my last will and testament of who's gonna be taking care of my babies and who's gonna handle my debts. on second thought, maybe i should write a will before i schedule a delivery date, right? ok, will get to that soon. ish.

this is actually more of a warning. a warning i'd appreciate greatly if people heed. if they don't, they probably have never known about this blog but i will still hold it against them. this is for friends and family (direct and distant) and yes, even neighbours and mom's friends (probably).

my wish for this delivery is to not have visitors (except for my immediate family) at the clinic post-delivery. if we're scheduled for c-sect then i might have to stay for a couple of days and even then, i do not want any visitors, other than my immediate family members (i.e husband, arwen, mom & brothers). it's because i'll probably be at my worst and most uncomfortable to entertain any guests with all the questions. it was really awkward for me when i just had Arwen and my uncle was there when i was about to try to breastfeed. i mean I was already really uncomfortable and in a lot of pain and bleeding and very tired to begin with, i was in a diaper for god's sake. and had to manouver into weird positions to try to breastfeed without exposing my knick-knacks to the world. it's because i've gone through that and know what it feels like that I never visit any of my friends who've just given birth. i have visited a few when i was single but that's because i don't know any better. and i am truly sorry for that.

also, i will forbid (if i can help it) for anyone to come and visit me at home at night during the early weeks post-partum. i have gone through it with Arwen and almost had a meroyan breakdown because she was colic and cranky. i've had friends who came to visit after work which in agency slang, after 9pm, and they hung around until it was really late. Arwen decided not to sleep at all but cry the whole night after their visit and i was just this close to throwing her out the window of a moving car if i was in a moving car, which i was not, thank god.

and then, after sending my brother out to warn some neighbouring kids to stop playing with their fire crackers  so close to my window (because it was during Ramadhan that i was pantang with Arwen), an Aunt decided to come visit at 11PM and stuck around chit-chatting with my parents and waited until 1:00 FUCKING AM to come upstairs into my room while the baby was finally asleep to poke her and lift her and tried to wake her up because she's an evil witch and hearing a newborn cry will somehow magically make her thin and beautiful. some people just wanna watch your world burn.

so yeah, seriously, i will try to do things differently this time around. it's at least one thing that i will have some semblance of control over. i will lock the door to my room if i know that Aunt is around at godforsaken hours again, and tell my mom not to send anyone upstairs past maghrib.

i'm not being a snob, i'm just preserving my sanity. thankyouverymuch.      

yet another scare

we went for our checkup last friday, now that it's every fortnightly, and found out that baby is still in a breeched position, which is not good considering that i am already at my 34th week of pregnancy. to make it even more alarming, the doctor found out that the placenta is now worryingly low-lying. she didn't exactly say it was placenta preavia but i know what 'uri turun' means. she didn't really say what type of placenta preavia i'm having, whether it's partial or total, but she did tell me that there's a slim chance for the baby to turn around and big possibility for us to have to go for a caesarian section - my biggest fear. hearing that has made me lose sleep over the past few days. not that i was sleeping that well anyway.

it's not that i'm worried about a c-sect because i know there's probably a plus side to an operation such as totally not having to go through the hours of labour. but it's more disappointment than anything really. yeah, it's because i have gone through a normal birth with Arwen, without epidural and i felt EVERYTHING. i was, i mean am, proud of that. it's one of my hugest achievements in life. so for me, having to go for a c-sect is like a step back. kinda makes me feel like a wuss. (no offence, people who went for c-sect. i know some of you might not have a choice but i know some women who choose to have a c-sect because they do not want to go through labour pains and stretch their vagina). i know it's not like i have that much of a choice, considering my circumstances. even if the baby miraculously turn around and engage normally just in time for delivery, if the placenta is obstructing his birth canal, i still have to have an operation.

i'm also rather disappointed because now we have to fork out more money for the delivery than expected. i was kinda hanging on to a normal childbirth because it's much more economical. with Arwen, we only paid RM1500 for the delivery, including a single room, believe it or not. now, it's triple that amount if there's no other surprises arise within now and the impending delivery.

i'm also feeling rather helpless because there's nothing much i can do to change or control the situation other than praying and hoping for the best. but yeah, i'm slowly coming to terms with the decision i have no choice over. if a c-sect is needed, then c-sect we will have. as long as the baby comes out safe and sound, Insya'Allah. we'll have another appointment on the 7th. if there's still no changes, we'll schedule a date for the delivery, maybe sometime end of September after i've reached the safe point of 37 weeks.

in the mean time, i just have to remind myself (and other people around me) to take it easy and have plenty of rest and not to strain myself in any way for fear i'd bleed and have to be on bedrest for the rest of the month. i know it's not the end of the world, and other moms have gone through worse than me .. but pray with me, okay?  

quite a scare

we went for our scheduled checkup last saturday, unassuming and thinking everything is ok. checked my urine, seems ok, checked my weight, tak naik satu kilo pun from 3 weeks ago. puasa, maybe. padahal selalu na ponteng puasa. then during the ultrasound, doctor found out the baby's breeched. his head is just under my right ribcage and legs have been doing the jig on my bladder and his arms have been suckerpunching my left side. his weight has gone up to 2.1kg (estimate) and his according to calculation, he's 32 weeks. which is a week ahead so i'm still anticipating the delivery will be around end of September, or very early october.

i asked the doctor if there's any way to help the baby turn back into his expected position but the doctor assured me to just wait and let him turn himself back around. there's still plenty of space and time for him to turn. i never had this scare with Arwen before so it obviously sent me into a panic. i do not want a ceasarean so i'm praying hard the baby will turn in time. we have another checkup after raya so we'll see what happens then.

then yesterday, i was lying down after folding 4 loads of laundry to ease my backpain and arwen was playing around me and doing what she does, which is definitely NOT SITTING QUIETLY PLAYING WITH TOYS OR WATCHING CARTOONS. instead of walking around me, she decided to just walk over my tummy to cross. for some reason, she suddenly stopped and accidently sat on my tummy. it was probably just an accident, and that she didn't mean to, that she was bracing herself for a fall and just so happen my tummy is there to cushion her butt. but yeah, she sat hard on her baby brother. of course, i had another bout of panic because HELLO? a 17kg person suddenly just plonking her butt on a 30+ week pregnant tummy? of course it's painful and scary.

so i was fuming with rage, winching in pain and crying of fear and i just left her dad to deal with her. because if it's left to me, she won't be taking to me for days. so i rubbed my belly, talked to the baby and asked him to move just to know that he's ok in there. he moved, a lot, thank god. but not entirely satisfied, i put on the doppler to check and listen to his heartbeat. it took a while to find it which further fed my panic but i finally found it and it sounded strong and looks good. so yeah, we're ok. not even a sore.

Arwen of course, after the storm of rage subsided and she had her nap, felt the ultimate guilt. too much guilt for an almost 4 year old to contain, i think. without even being asked to, she rubbed my tummy, told me she's sorry and told her unborn baby brother how sorry she is for sitting on him and that she didn't mean to and she will never ever do it again. then she kissed it.

i mean, people, i cried. of course i cried. what she did then was so humbling and heart-warming. i mean, she hasn't really fully grasp that what i have in my tummy, something she cannot see or comprehend how it got there, is another person. yet she's already treating him like another human being, like family, like a brother. i cannot wait to deliver this baby so i can see how big-sisterly Arwen will be.

       

29 weeks and the countdown begins...

i actually wanted to blog about my brother's wedding and our holiday in langkawi but macam cerita basi lah pulak. ok, fine, honestly, i'm incredibly malas to write anything right now, hence the serious lack of updates. also, been microblogging having thought diarrhoea in less than 140 characters on twitter so i feel like i've said things out already.



that's baby's face at 24 something weeks.

i'm in my 29th week now, or starting my 30th week. i prefer to jump ahead one week. so yeah, let's make it 30th week. which means that i have about 10 or so weeks left to go. i'm anxiously but rather happily counting down to delivery. i am scared. i mean which pregnant lady isn't, right? but on the other hand, i cannot wait to get this over with.

i know i'm supposed to enjoy this pregnancy as much as i can as it might be my last (as according to MY plan but who knows what the All-Mighty have in store for us in the future) but i will be honest, i hate being pregnant. ada time memang best lah, the magical feeling that only moms are able to experience - you know, the surreal movements, the sharp jab under the ribs, the weird misshapen tummy when the baby shifts its position, the sudden cramps that lets you know he's definitely in there, the ability to wear whatever without having other people puke just by looking at your jiggly tummy fat because it's all huge and tout and cute. that's all magical, yes.

but what i hate about it is the heartburn, the puking, the headaches, the leg cramps, the constipation, the haemorrhoid, the leg cramps, the sleepless nights, the awkward waddle, the heaviness, the bloatedness, the forgetfulness, the draining of energy and brain power, the backaches, the boobaches, the sense of helplessness, the breathlessness, the swollen legs, all the sighing .. if i have gone through at least one pregnancy without all that, i'd be happy to get pregnant again the hour after i've given birth to the last one's placenta.

i'm still bipolar about the delivery as i was with the first pregnancy around this time. one minute i am anxious that my heart palpitates right out of my throat. the other minute i'm nervous because i have not even started nesting for the little boy yet. i mean, if he comes out now, he'll have to wear hand-me-downs including the pink ones we kept of Arwen's, and he'll just have to co-sleep with all the 3 of us on a queen-size bed because we have not bought a cot yet, and we'll just have to learn to feed straight from boob (because the boobs failed to work the first time) coz we have not even bought new bottles yet, and his hand-me-down clothes will just have to come out straight from the hand-me-down bin coz we don't even have a cupboard/drawer for him yet. that's how unprepared we are. maybe it's the second-child syndrome parents get - that we all go gung-ho about the first one because it's Baby Beta and we don't mind much when it comes to the next ones? or perhaps, i'm just too lazy.

while i'm already technically listing down the preparation for the new baby, i might just as well point out here (in case i totally forgot about it later in the midst of scurrying for preparations at the last minute) that we also need to look at buying a new stroller since Arwen's old one was pink and the wheels have gone wobbly. and no baby boy of mine will come within an inch of anything pink, at least not if i can help it. actually we don't need to buy much new stuff with the baby anyway so we'll probably start shopping for baby after Raya.

i hope by then i still have some of my bonus money left.

Arwen, the storyteller

Deidi: Arwen, kalau tak kemas ni later, Deidi cubit Arwen.

Arwen: Kalau Deidi tak tolong Arwen kemas nanti Arwen tak nak kawan Deidi lepas tu Arwen tinggalkan Deidi kat rumah sebab nanti Arwen dah besar, Arwen nak drive car bawak Mamma, dengan Oma, dengan Mo, dengan Baiz, dengan Aunty Ili pergi shopping bank, and then Arwen panggil the Atuk Police kat school Arwen tu tangkap Deidi, pakaikan Deidi gelang yang ada rantai tu (handcuffs, she means) and then masukkan Deidi dekat cage, and then Jombies datang dekat cage Deidi, eat Deidi punya brains and then Vampire also come eat Deidi punya blood, and then alien monster datang ambik Deidi bawak pergi planet dia naik rocket....

... She went on and on and on, mixing up all the movie genres from family drama to action to thriller to sci-fi to Tamil to Hindi all in one breath. I just sat there, looking at my husband looking at me and we went (psychicly as how it goes between husbands and wives)  "where the heck did this kid come from, seriously?"

No, seriously.

DIY microdermabrasion

microdermabrasion. that's a mouthful. but it's technically a simple exfoliation technique used by skin experts using a machine and some crystal something. honestly, i don't know crap. never even tried it out. i did a facial once before my wedding and my face broke out in pimples galore just a week before my wedding day and i swore i will never go do a facial again.

i'm not blessed with the slim gene. unfortunately, i have inherited a lot of my dad's side of plum-prone genes. but i am fortunate to have a fairly clear facial skin from my mom's side of the family that i almost never (don't wanna jinx it) get pimples and very lucky to have whore skin that i try on any beauty products without facing the risk of breakouts and rash. i do however have uneven skin tone, blackheads on my nose and whiteheads/oilseed around the corner of my eyes. and my skin is prone to get dull looking but that's because i do not drink a lot of water and i pick on my vegetables. and i am tired and cranky all the time, so it shows on my face.

but while i was pinning my boredom out on pinterest, i came across a simple microdermabrasion  recipe that only requires 2 ingredients that's always available near my bathroom sink. baking soda and water. that's all that's needed. out of curiosity, i tried it. i just gathered a little baking soda (soda bicarbonate) onto my palms, added a few drops of water, mixed it into a paste and rubbed it in gentle circular motions all over my face, avoiding the eye area. i left it on for a minute or two and rinsed with cold water. then i immediately lather my moisturiser on after my shower.

i have to say, i love the feeling when i touch my face. feels clean and smoother. but since i only tried it once, i can't really see the glow and evenness yet. that's why i'm not posting any before-after pictures for this because it's not something that you can see, it's something that you need to feel for yourself.

but if you have any skin conditions or super sensitive or very dry facial skin, i don't suggest you try it. but if you have normal skin, and a product whore, like mine, i'd recommend you try it at least once. i know i'll do it again every other week.

when i get a little OCD

my brother just got billy bookcases installed in his room downstairs, which used to be a computer room but mom's since put a divan in there while he was recuperating from the accident, so now has permanently become his room. the billy bookcases is for his books.

that's not even half of his books. those are only the ones he brought back from Kelantan. looking at them disorganized made my head explode a bit and brain matter seeped out from my tear ducts. then i got a little OCD and decided to arrange his books by colour.

solved my head case. but he said "thanks a lot Kasha. biarpun takde order, the arrangements, but thanks!"

week 22

i'm already at my 22nd week of pregnancy. photos were taken off of my brother's instagram. it has been awesome for the past few weeks, gaining back my appetite, being able to go to work and actually do work, laugh a bit more, having cravings, and not puking. until this morning. my tummy has grown but somehow my colleagues keep on pointing out that i am barely showing. i don't know if i should take that as a compliment or what. the baby has been busy kicking up a storm in there. sometimes i find myself purposely sit in an uncomfortable position (for him) so that i can feel his kicks.

Arwen has been able to feel the baby move and she's so ecstatic and amazed by it all. she saw the remote control i put on my tummy jerk and immediately thinks that her brother has super powers. she's into that weird phase right now. between believing in princesses and superheroes. and still figuring the boys-girls role while planning for her own wedding in the midst of it all. yup, she's too mature for her age. i promise i wont stereotype gender-specific roles for her, except for times she wants to go to the toilet and also how she should sit properly while wearing a skirt or a dress. but if she wants to be a sword wielding, zombie annihilating, superpower unleashing, magic concocting, rubber horse riding princess in a blue dress with a tiara, fairy wings, silver glittered shoes and pink nailpolish, and calling out "aye, aye, captain!" when i call for her - that's exactly who she'll be. despite all that confusion, she's gonna be a wonderful teacher-rolemodel-leader for her brother, i'm sure.

on a separate note, tomorrow we'll be off to langkawi for my brother's wedding and a babymoon - if i can call it that. bags are packed, executive taxi booked, hotel booked, only the cats are left to be left for boarding. though i wont promise but i will be posting and instagramming photos of the wedding and our vacation.

i'm sorry for being so blah but keeping up with this blog has been boring and i'm just not really in the mood to write or do anything but sleep all day long. i don't even download stuff on the net anymore because it's so life-consuming.