Eliza

You know what has struck me so hard lately?  Eliza, from the play Hamilton.  

I want to say I have no idea why, or even better to romanticize it to be something that its not.  Unfortunately, I can't do that.  For one thing, I know exactly why it bothers me, and the other is there is no romanticizing it.  

Let's start by saying Hamilton is revolutionary.  There are specific instances in life where you can pinpoint exactly what changed the "game".  The internet, cell phones, Harry Potter, Casino Royale, Inception, cushy flip flops, leggings are all very few instances of life changing moments in history because of the change it brought about.  (I mean can you even remember a time where you buttoned pants?  Who has the time or tummy for that?!)  Hamilton happens to be that turn in the game.  It is bringing kids to love the arts again, it is such a dynamic change between what was and what is now that going backwards seems....archaic. 

Let's start with the root of why Eliza has been haunting my every thought, every action, every spare moment of my life.  She wasn't even the center of her own story telling.  Let me elaborate.

When you first see Hamilton (If you havent....are you alive with ears to hear?  I mean what is the hold up?) you think oh, its Hamilton's story.  Then you keep watching and think, its Burr's story.  Then kidding, Washington's story, jokes on you again it IS Hamilton's story.  Then, when the end is nigh, and you can see the people that operate the metaphorical curtains start to grab the rope, you realize oh shit, this is Eliza's story. 

Imagine that.  An entire play, and you only find out at the VERY end that this is Eliza's telling of Hamilton, and the people surrounding him(s), story.  

you can't feel it, but I literally gave a moment of silence writing this for her. For me.  For you.  For all of us.  

The second reason why it burdons me, is that the 'invisible mother' happens to us all.  No, not a scary story.  The feeling of not being the center, or even main supporting character of your life.  Imagine it.  Can you?  You know you can.  Right now you're reading this, feeling guilty about the laundry sitting in the dryer, the dishes that need to be loaded or unloaded, or a child just cried and you stopped your entire life to help it.

And yet....no one is thanking you, praising you, writing things about you.  You have to do that on your own.  And no, this is not something that I have thought of just for this session of what's on my mind, you could find it here and here (sorry....those are just blue words.....lighten the mood a bit on here).  

Even though those are just blue words, you know what I'm talking about.  You've read it, researched it, wondered why you feel invisible even though a body is in the chair you are sitting in now.  I want to say it gets better, but the truth is....I don't know that it does.  

Before I get any hate over men being invisible too, I'm not saying anything about it being gender specific.  But the role of the person who is at home, vs the person who is at a full time job getting praise for their great meeting, or interviews, or lunches with other people asking their opinions(I don't live in a dream world.  I understand that most times it's doing reviews, worrying about your job, and having the stress of the finances on your shoulders.  It's not all praise and lunches)....it's different.

Yes.  It is.

I can't imagine me going to a full time job where all they give REAL TIME feedback on EXACTLY all your faults.  

Motherhood is my destiny.  It is my dream job.  It is my reason for living, and the reason I will be in an early grave.  It is the reason I laugh and the the reason I cry.  

But it isn't for me.  It is for them.  I'm not climbing ladders to success, I'm not getting awards and accolation and pats on the back.  I am getting grey hair and less worried about going outside without a bra on.  It's not less, but it is.  

What can we do about it though?  More than that, how can we change it?  I get that we live lives where people want to be around us and tell our story to their kids.  But will they?  Or will you still not be the center of those stories.  

The last thing that has stayed with me so long was...why was Eliza the very last last last thing on his mind?  death is for the living.  Why wouldn't you think of her first?  Is that what I will always be?  The last on every list?  The last for every thought, even my own?  

To all the Eliza's out there, tell your own story.  Don't think of yourself last.  If you can't be first(which I get...I'm never first on my own mind either) at least don't put yourself last.

friends

Who has friends anymore?  Is that still a thing that people do in this life?

I grew up with 6 brothers and sisters, and 8 step siblings.  I had so many friends, so many opportunities in life to hang out with people and enjoy the company of others.

Then, I graduated high school.  Lost half my friends.  Moved.  Lost half my friends.  Got married.  Lost all but one friend.  Met wives, gained a few friends.  Moved.  Lost all but one friend again.

Through it all, I got closer and closer to family members replacing one friend with one family member each time.

 

I had enough family to do that, but those people out there who have friends after 21.

What's the trick?  Where are you meeting these people at?  Is there a place for exhausted mothers who get together looking like crap with garbage flying out of their minivans when they open the door?  A place for parents who are chill, but also don't let their child eat gum from the underside of the play equipment? 

What's the secret?  If you have it, leave it below I'm dying to know!! 

married vacations

Every year myself, my sisters, and one parent(since they are divorced) go on a vacation together.  We text each other through the year planning it out, making sure that we get the best deal possible and getting as many of us on the same flight as possible.  It isn't a simple task that many people would consider undertaking and in fact, our brothers haven't gotten together for something as simple as dinner....well...ever. 

At first they were just fun weekend getaway trips but they evolved into, sometimes, rather fabulous once in a lifetime trips.  Its fun, relaxing, and most importantly, it brings us back together as sisters.

Over the years we have gotten married, divorced, widowed, had kids, more kids, and gained step kids.  So as you can imagine getting all of us together can sometimes be a little tricky.  Who watches the kids, can I get that much time off, I need to do it during this time when I dont have some or any of my kids.  Then the much trickier part of handling the spouses.  Will they be offended?  Will they say yes?  Are they ok with such vacations while they stay home working?  So far we have always had extraordinary luck. 

But when I tell other people, the number one question  get is, 'and your spouse is ok with that?'

I always say yes without elaboration, but let me be clear here.  I am Katie.  A person.  A human being who is able to travel, without spouse, kids, or attachments of any kind.  

I LOVE to spend time with my little family.  I LOVE to go camping with them, play games with them, bathe them, go on dates with them, and everything else that comes with being a mother, wife, and housekeeper.  

But I still need to feel like an individual.  Like Katie.  Just Katie.  And so does my spouse.  I would never stop him from taking a vacation with friends, or alone, or doing something that he felt he needed to do.  So why would he stop me?

Oh my gosh what does he do with the kids?

He's their dad.  He watches them.  

He doesn't babysit them, or take care of them until I get back and deal with it.  He watches his children so that their mother takes some well deserved time off so that she doesn't burn the house down one day on purpose or accident.  

Mothers take on so much.  A fact that he always is reminded of(not that he needs reminding thank god) when I leave for a week and come back. 

Does he hate you when you come back?  Ug, I bet the house is a mess.

If we sat down, talked about, and agreed upon a time for me to be gone, why would he hate me?  Why on Gods green Earth would he ruin something that I had been looking forward to for so long, only to make me feel like shit when I got back?  And why would I allow him to do that to me?  No of course he doesnt hate me.  

In my opinion, if the house is standing and the kids are alive in ANY safe state, I will take it, and I will be grateful.  AND EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE OFTEN.  I will work my mommy magic and make it all better within the day.  Personally, I come home to a house that is still orderly and kids taken care of.  But if I came home to a mess, why would I punish him for that?  Why on earth would I sour his time alone with the kids, making memories, or surviving hour to hour, by complaining?  

Who out there takes vacations?  Who does it alone?  Together?  What are your thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

single married parent

Are you married with kids?  No, not a sitcom, but an actual family of three or more?  We are, and more than I like, most days I feel like a single married parent.  Tagg has a job in education which we choose not because of the money, but because of the benefits.  It has so many perks, but none of them are during his busy seasons.

These last two weeks has been me getting kids ready, off to school, work, pick kids up do the house-work get kids fed and put to bed alone.  Can I do it?  For sure.  Is it difficult?  For me, no.  Do I like it?  No.

Are you a single married parent?  What is the most difficult for you?

Been a Year

  It's been a year hasn't it.  Isn't that the way it is?  One day your healthy, the next your not.  One day you have a dog, one day you don't.  One day your married, one day your not.  It happens so quick, so quick in fact that it can give you whiplash.  

  

  What just happened?  How did we get here? 

  

  It isn't one day you are good, and the next your not.  It's little things that build and feast on each other until one day, it all culminates in a life altering moment that you should've seen coming, but somehow convinced yourself that it could never, would never happen.   

  Is it bad to blind yourself to the possibility?  Bad to live in a state of bliss that you don't want to end?  

  Or is it better to live in reality that sickness comes and goes, life ends, or that love truly is conditional?  

 

  Or is it simply best to be in the moment.  Feel the joy as it comes, and the pain as it comes as well? Truth is, everyone is different.  So different that what works for one, might only work for that one!  Annoyingly, there isn't a simple answer. 

  So to those in the thick of it, my empathy.  For those of you with it ahead of you, prepare yourself however you can.  And for the rest, may your bliss be prolonged and ethereal.   

  

Destiny

I don't know why, but I have been thinking a lot about destiny lately.  I have always believed that Tagg and I were destined to meet, and that I was always destined to be Atticus and Jeans mom, but lately I am feeling there is more.  A loose string is floating out there, trying to connect me to where I need to be, but I can't figure out where it is leading me. 

How do you follow destiny, just live and hope that one day you trip on the string that connects you to that certain place where you are meant to be? 

Is that how I ended up with Tagg, and the two best children in the multiverse?

My only hope is if I do trip, I don't end up flat on my face.

As I was thinking about what I could say about what has happened over the last almost ten years since we have written, I tried thinking about what we have done.  Moved, moved, I quit my job to help my father in his end stages of cancer, had a baby, moved, moved, moved, quit to help my step father in his end stages of cancer, and moved.  *yes those are all actual moves, I didn't just put move on there to show passing of time.

But what is that?  That sums up our life in theory, we now live in Washington, we now have a new routine, but what about the divorce scares?  The ER visits, the self loathing, the times when we have had pennies to our name, and the times we have had excess.  What about not going on dates, or taking an adult cruise, or spending time in Disneyland or national parks, volunteering or being someones emergency first call?  Is my life so easily summed up to moving and parents dying? 

Atticus and Jean have been best friends lately, and at night they hold hands as they go to sleep. 

But even that has more of a story.  Atticus has been having horrible anxiety lately, so when he feels like he is going to cry, he reaches out and holds her hand.  When he does, she holds his hand, sometimes she sings 'baby mine' from Dumbo, sometimes she doesn't. 

Why didn't that make it in my 'what has happened recap'?  The moves were important, they moved our story along.  But I want to remember to my bones the other things too.  What stories have you forgotten?  What is it that you are not writing in your 'moving' bustle?  Write it down here, or at home, or in your phone.  Make sure you have it, keep it safe, because it is precious.