New Contest, Old Contest and a Decent Argument Why You Should Put Something in Your Butt

Actual O-Face From "O-Face"

Even though I've been barely attentive to most of y'all (sorry!), I've been having some completely fascinating email correspondence with some among you. I'll be sharing some of it...whenever, I guess...I'm not a particularly dependable chick. But keep a look out.*

For now, here's the first one:

A Decent Argument Why You Should Put Something Up Your Butt, according to reader M from Alaska

I've been corresponding with previously mentioned M from Alaska (see also:  "OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD! Ummm…WOW!"), a recipient of a prostate vibrator under my non-Government funded Sex Toy Fairy Godmother program.

I have taken a probably unseemly interest in the vagaries of M's orgasms with the toy because I don't possess a prostate (though I do have all the symptoms of prostate cancer. #hypochondriac), plus he's super articulate about his experiences and also possibly/mainly because I'm sort of into the fact that I semi-helped some random dude have unprecedented orgasms.

Here, you can eavesdrop:

M:  It’s been awhile but just wanted to let you know that I use that toy easily 3-5 times a week. Multiple Os, better each time I use it.

For the record, when I’m using this toy my dick never gets hard nor do I ejaculate, unless of course I’m stimulating that as well.

Truly life-changing and has enriched my sex life even further.

Me, pervishly:  I am so fascinated by this. Like how did men have this capability this whole time but most of us didn’t seem to realize it?  Do the orgasms feel different than ye olde cock-based ones?

M:  Right?! I think I because of the stigma of ass play being “dirty” and “taboo,” combined w/the notion that if a man sticks something up his ass and likes it, he’s obviously gay;)

All I can say is after witnessing my wife’s reactions (shaking, tensing up, primal sounds, etc.)  to her Magic Wand and other favorite sex toys, and watching her experience orgasm after orgasm…it’s the same thing. No lie, I inserted that toy, sat down in my work chair, and rattled off at least 5 in a row as I cycled through the settings. The euphoria that lingers afterwards is absolutely incredible!

The O’s feel different but more intense (not in a bad way) w/each climax. I have on a couple occasions stroked my cock while using the toy and that orgasm is insane and does cause me to ejaculate; although the size of the load doesn’t seem any different than the traditional method(s).  If I employ that technique (stroke and vibe) I’m done after 1. 

So yeah. I really do find it absolutely fascinating that men (not all men, blah blah blah) can do this completely new thing with their bodies and most straight dudes had no idea for centuries and centuries. It's like when no one could break the 4 minute mile, then once people realized it could be done, like 1,400 have done it since. But with butts.

Anyway if you want to become thus buttally experienced as well, see also: 

New Contest!  

Prostate Tickler

In highly related news, our new advertiser Ella Paradis has offered to send one of y'all a vibrating Prostate Silicone Perineum Tickler and a bottle of Wicked Aqua Sensual Care lube because as I've typed approximately 8 billion times for Cosmopolitan, the bum is not naturally lubricating.  (And if it is--you've got a whole different thing going on.)

To win, tell me the worst thing someone said to you during sex. You can comment below or email me secretly, then I'll tell everyone like I did to poor M of Alaska. (Actually, he did consent. I'm not that much of a jerk. At least in this arena.)  I'll pick a winner by magic incantation. Deadline to enter is September 12, 2019.  

And if you wish for nothing in your butt, but want to tell me the worst thing anyone said to you during sex, I am so here for that too because I am endlessly curious/nosy.

Happy Rabbit G-Spot Vibrator

Old Contest!  

Meanwhile, the winner of the highly fuckable looking Happy Rabbit G-Spot Vibrator courtesy of dear Andy at Good Vibrations is... Markus because he entered on behalf of his wife. "Poor soul doesn't have a vibrating toy," he wrote, in the manner of a husband who knows how to please a woman. Markus:  email me your mailing address and have your  wife prepare her vaginal chambers.



Anyway, later.
xo
jill


 *If you have a subscription to the blog through Amazon's Kindle blogging things, you will be waiting forever because Amazon abruptly cancelled the program last week because they are dicks. Guess 70 PERCENT of the take wasn't enough for Jeff Bezos who, even though he looks kind of like a cute, round-headed baby and owns the Washington Post, which ain't nothing, is still pretty fucking evil.

Subtitle My Book (aka What The Hell Is It I Do?)

MOOD

Consulting the Oracle:  Hey, gorgeous. I need your good brain and/or mystical contacts.

Here's why:  I've compiled the best of IBWMW into a book, working title Hysterical.* I sent it to three agents and all said, "Love your voice. (pause) Essays are impossible to sell."

So. I need an alluring through line that makes these impossible essays seem more like a memoir or quest or otherwise must-have book. They would still be the essays, but tarted up and packaged in a more saleable way.

When I get a solid/compelling subtitle like Hysterical: (blah blah blah i am a lady who stares too closely at sex and have learned some shit, this is the point/quest behind the whole book), I'm in. But I've been thinking on it for weeks and I CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. (this, for the record, is my DO SOMETHING! shout into the Void.)

Do you see the highly marketable theme/quest/format that I'm not seeing? (Talking around it/vague ideas also helpful, if pithy titles aren't your thing.)

If you are the one who pulls the subtitle from the ether, not only will I dedicate the whole damn book to you AND offer you the coveted title of IBWMW Minister of Big Ideas, I will send you something from my big box of secret sex toys. Presently residing in there are:

--An iCome throbby rabbit-style vibe from Doc Johnson
--Snug Plug from b-Vibe, a weighted silicone butt plug
--Snug Plug 2 from b-Vibe, same deal, but bigger
--Novice Plug from b-Vibe, small and powerful vibrating butt plug w/ remote control for torturing a loved one
--Le Wand, a big-ass old school rumbly wand vibrator like the original Magic Wand that got our foremothers off. (don't think too long on this.) I'll throw in the Curve, a weighted silicone attachment because I am just that desperate for clarity.

What are you holding? Consult your Muse and let me know. 

We're Number....2...yeah:
Thanks to you, IBWMW was #2 in the Reader's Choice category for this year's Kinkly's Sex Blogging Superhero contest. I am undecided whether to be deliriously happy that the blog beat out over 400 other blogs for the honor or peeved about the one (1) blog who beat us. That it is not obvious to me is something I should probably discuss with a licensed professional.

Okay Then: Now that I've just asked you to solve my life, I feel awkward and exposed, so I will divert your attention with this shot from Salvador Dali's 1973 photo shoot for Playboy Magazine. It might be safe for work or might not--kinda hard to say.

xoxo
jill

*I'm thinking of re-naming the whole blog Hysterical. What say you?

(top image courtesy: governmentname)

What's Your Favorite Post? A New Contest!

What could it be?

Remember this super non-mysteriously packaged big-ass box that made my long-suffering UPS driver run away?

Well, I finally opened it and--holy fuck!--I am rich in vibrators! They're from the lovely Erica Braverman who, as you may have figured out, works at Doc Johnson--home of my favorite factory tour ever (beating out the Winston-Salem cigarette factory and the Stroh's Brewery tours of my childhood--um, it was a different time, I guess...)

My new vibrator army is from Doc's i-Vibe Select line. They're like five vibrator Superfriends, each with its own superpower like getting warm, rolling around enticingly, or doing some sort of magic "come hither' motion inside.

Erica sent me ten of these (literal) fuckers and I will share some of them with you because I am semi-generous.

I gave first dibs to reader "A," who has faithfully given a small donation every month to the blog for years. She opted for the iBend, explaining "I've been wanting something softer. Because nothing says 'do me' like a touch of flaccidity."

I gave second dibs to me and grabbed an iCome, mostly because it was called iCome. I tried it out, for you/journalism and such, and I will say that once you turn it on, there is no "getting in the mood" part, you are immediately just fucking in it, man, and kind of helplessly impaled on it while it wrecks you via deep throbby bass notes. We will so be having a second date.

The Contest Rules: 

1. Tell me what your favorite IBWMW post is. You can tell me via Twitter, a comment below, the Facebook page or, like most of you pussies generally opt for, a discreet email. I'm asking for your favorites because I'm compiling some for a book (whee!) and you are the smartest person I know.

2.  Pick one of the vibrators you'd like to put in/on your wherever. If you aren't picky and don't require a semi-flacid lover like A, you can list a few choices. (If you are a Kindle subscriber, lmk and I'll give you two entries.) 
3.  I'll notify the winners October 11 privately so everyone's not knowing your business.

The Prizes! (I sort of just cut and pasted and vaguely edited the product descriptions so be forewarned):

The Vibrator Superfriends confronting their shadow selves

iCome has a clitoral stimulator w/ a special ‘rolling’ mode that "creates a unique undulating movement on the clitoris for incredible pleasure." It has two ultra-powerful independently controlled motors. [Yes. So much so.]

The iWand offers a gentle warming mode that slowly heats the silicone wand head to a pleasurable, body-safe temperature. It can be used with both the warming and vibrating modes active, or either one.

The iRipple has three separate ultra-powerful motors placed along the shaft to create an endless variety of vibration patterns that can span across all three motors, including a rolling effect up and down the shaft.

The iRock features a curved shaft that not only vibrates, but also flexes back and forth in a ‘come hither’ motion for G-spot pleasure.

The iBend is a powerful, seven-function massager you can bend however you damn well please for  both internal and external stimulation.

*****

In other superheroic news: Do you mind heading over and voting for IBWMW in Kinkly's Sex Blogging Superheroes Contest?  Just go to this link and press "click here to vote!" I need at least five votes by October 9 to even be considered. (Last year IBWMW was 8th out of 100 despite not even telling you about it. Thanks mystery voters!)  It literally takes less than 15 seconds and will be the second best thing in my day, the first being, of course, my earlier rendezvous with the swag.

 xoxo
 jill

Contest results, black pasties and whatnot

Not that kind of pasty, though they would offer more coverage

The Pick Your Prize winners have been notified and if you didn't win, fear not, I have a TON of really really good stuff coming from Aneros and Doc Johnson that may soon be throbbing away up your wherever.

In the meantime, the following readers are gonna be "in a meeting" for a bit.

Reader J, winner of the much coveted Ohmibod Mini (98% of you wanted that, as well you should), responded "Thanks for the dog toy."  J was cruelly referring to my misadventures with my previous Mini as well as a Dog Toy or Sex Toy quiz which, given my my shockingly bad score, I will be re-taking this summer in Remedial Dog Toy or Sex Toy Recognition.

Another J, a dude who lives Canada, decided he didn't actually want his winning anal beads after researching "sketchy, unsafe-for-your-body jelly anal beads" thus saving me from having to declare "sketchy...anal beads" when the postal worker asks what I'm shipping internationally. For his research and good-heartedness, as well as a bit of flattery (that would be: "You have such a wonderfully refreshing, funny and frank voice." #PraiseWhore), J will get his pick of the next litter, if a group of sex toys is called a litter.

A, an assistant principal in an undisclosed location, won the Fin finger vibrator and it's not because she wrote "Thank you for being wonderfully funky, intelligent, quirky, sexy you!"--that was after. A, if you must know, also reports that she attended a BDSM class over the weekend and learned that there is a proper way to spank. In the old days, assistant principals already knew that, but there you go.

C won the Talk to Me conversation cards and it was uneventful.

And finally, not one of you pussies even entered to get the black nipple pasties with fake piercings. ("Casual for the day, sporty for the beach!") And... I was at a loss. I hate hate hate wasting things and I couldn't just throw them away unused so, as any one of you would do, I put the damn things on while I was home alone, as my 400 cats looked on with disapproval. The pasties stick right to your nipples and if you move them up a bit, you can give yourself an inexpensive pretend boob lift. However, the sticky is not that sticky and I would think twice for before heading out to Trader Joe's in them. 

I then decided I should take pictures of myself all pastied up for you because there may be something wrong in my brain hole. I was even gonna post one here, but it suddenly felt a little porny, like I was sexting you. Perhaps getting a surprise be-pastied boob shot is like getting an unwanted dick pic, that is, no bueno. I should probably have a talk with HR about it.

xoxo
jill

ps As I was finishing this, my UPS man delivered a truly huge box from Doc Johnson. I know it was my usual man because, uncharacteristically, he just screeched "UPS!" before dropping 14 pounds of excessively non-discreetly packaged sex toys and fleeing for safety. 

Hmm, wonder what this could be?

Pick Your Prize--New Contest!

I was dog sitting at a friend's house recently and--to make a short story shorter--I found their dog chewing up my favorite vibrator.

Don't worry. The dog is fine, the arousing effects apparently greatly lessened when you eat the vibrator instead of using as directed. And all is well with the owners too, mostly because I didn't actually tell them what had gone down on my watch. I figured my post about a dog performing surprise fellatio on my big ol' fake dick had served as a blanket warning to anyone who might desire my dog sitting services.

So all that's good. I mean, as these things go.

But the vibrator--my very very favorite, the Ohmibod Cuddle Minij--was done. A mangled reminder of its former sexy self, like Mickey Rourke, but smaller and more vibrator-shaped.

Suki, who works at Ohmibod, kindly sent me a new Mini, along with a lovely handwritten note that said,  "Keep this one away from the dog." Which is good advice for anyone. And guess what? I GOT ONE FOR YOU TOO! One of you, at least.

And...as long as I'm giving that away, I'm throwing in a few more prizes because I'm a socialist. Some of 'em are good, some kinda meh. All are unused--only the very finest for you, gentle reader!

So--ta-da!--here are the prizes, one of which may or may not be coming your way. (And yes, some are more like "prizes," but piss off, they're free.)

Yum

1. The Ohmibod Cuddle Mini, a strong-ass G-spot vibe with deep, throbby vibrations. Completely delicious--in the sexual sense, but also quite literally delicious to certain pervy dogs who could have had a perfectly normal non-G-spot-flavored dog treat had they just waited a minute.

2. Thai Jelly Anal Beads. Kinda sketchy, probably not remotely Thai, but "Jumbo!"

3.  A pair of Lolos pasties from Germany. Black with a pierced nipple area that you're supposed to wear in place of a proper shirt. Box suggests "casual for the day, sporty for the beach..." but I'm a hard no on both scenarios.

4. Fin (vibrator for fingers). A high-end vibe that makes your fingers magical on yourself or others.

Fin again

5. A deck of Talk to Me cards, "52 intimate questions to spark your relationship" which, near as I can tell, are ideal for alerting your significant other that they need to break up with you at once.

The Rules
--Tell me which prize (or "prize") you want in a comment below, on the IBWMW Facebook page, or on my Twitter if you can wade through the months of tweets where I'm freaking the fuck out about politics. (If you don't want anyone to know that you've even entered such a filthy filthy contest, send your entry from your undisclosed location to jillhamilton001@gmail.com.)
--Tell me what your favorite sex toy ever is/was. This is unrelated to the contest--I'm just super nosy.
--Results Wednesday, September 6. (Fear not, I won't reveal your name.)
--I'll pay to mail it to you, but if you live in another country or are just an appreciative reader who is rich and foolish with your money, feel free to make a donation via that big DONATE button in the right margin.

Yours,
jill

PS Thanks for all the delightful mail you've been sending! I will tend to you. Please take a number and sit down.

(If you order something through one of the links, the blog gets a kickback, but no one's paying me to show their stuff, particularly not the jumbo anal bead factory because they would so not be getting their money's worth)

The Best Sex Ever Contest!

This, alas, is not the prize.

I've been thinking on what amazing sex really is.  For me, it's not about positions (shh!) or anything like that, but elements both subtle and sublime. It's seeing or feeling raw desire and being willing to follow that whether it takes you. It's fleetings moment of incredibly deep connection, like when you look in someone's eyes as they slide inside you and you think you see the universe there. (More likely just dilated pupils due to arousal, but still. Allow me my poetry.)

For me, the best sex is also about filling up the hole inside. Not the obvious one, though that goes a long way toward doing the trick, but more the metaphorical hole. The one where you don't feel quite whole or at peace. Some people fill it with God, but my brain didn't come equipped with those religious receptors, so my God hole is more like a sex hole. Which sounds plenty dirty, not to mention probably highly blasphemous.

In discussing the "problems" of sex in How to Think More About Sex, School of Life co-founder/semi-depressive Brit Alain de Botton writes, "Great sex, like happiness more generally, may be the precious and sublime exception. During our most fortunate encounters, it is rare for us to appreciate how privileged we are. It is only as we get older, and look back repeatedly and nostalgically to a few erotic episodes, that we start to realize with what stinginess nature extends her gifts to us--and therefore what an extraordinary and rare achievement of biology, psychology and timing satisfying sex really is."

Most sex, then, is just about filling your regular old biological holes. And as it happens, I have something for you today that does just that. That is:

The Best Sex Ever Contest
Your task: Tell me what your best sex ever was and why. You can write a big ol porny essay that may or may not gross me out or just a sentence like "the look on his face the first time I put my mouth on him" or whatever. Winning entries won't be chosen on "quality" (we're all different), but just chosen by a random drawing.

Your (Possible) Prize
Two choices!
--A Helix Syn, a hands-free prostate/male G-spot massager, courtesy of Aneros, who kindly sent me two of them. It's a training tool to encourage super deep prostate orgasms. It's like an $80 value and looks like this:

Hello, Sailor

--An Aneros Evi, the female counterpart that is a hands-free g-spot/clitoral stimulator. Again, battery free and you squeeze around it--kind of an exercise, kind of a way to get off. The idea is strengthening your responsiveness rather that just blasting your nether regions with vibrations. It's about $55 and looks like this:

Put me in your God hole

How to Enter
Send me your best sex ever and tell me which prize you're gunning for via comment below or super secret email to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. If you do send me something via email that's good and doesn't skeeve me out, I may post it, but I will give you a pseudonym so no one knows you really really liked it that one time someone put a wee bonnet on you and called you a filthy little whore. Get your entries in by April 12, 2017.

Bonus
You'll get an extra entry for sharing this contest on social media or just telling someone via old school conversation. Just let me know, and I'll put you in extra.

So get thinking about your best sex ever, as though you weren't already doing that, and enter and share.

Love you. Not in a creepy way.*

xoxox
jill

*possibly in a creepy way


(photo:  the dreamy Pinterest of Wendy Rose Watson)

What Was Your Formative Smut?

"Is it okay if the girls watch 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt'"? my friend texted pre-kid sleepover.

Considering my 13 year old had just seen the majority of the Louie episode where Louis CK ends up in a sex toy store, yeah, Kimmy was fine. (In my defense, I kept thinking the Louie ep was somehow gonna become more appropriate, like, any second. This, despite the fact that the characters were talking about vibrators and it was Louis CK, for fuck's sake. #MagicalThinking)

"I was reading Harold Robbins, Jackie Collins and Xaviera Hollander at their age," noted my friend. "The basement bookshelf was where my mom kept all the smutty books. The Story of O. Lady Chatterley's Lover. Portnoy's Complaint. I spent entire summers down there. She. Had. No. Idea."

You see, my pretties, back before the Internet, when you wanted sexual information, you had to cobble together what you could. It involved a combination of covert reading sessions in back aisles of book stores, excavations under the beds of pervy neighborhood dads (that is, all dads) and checking out the bookshelves of your parents' more free-thinking friends. My own sex ed was an unwieldy mash-up of:

--Sidney Sheldon novels
--Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex: But Were Afraid to Ask
--Where Did I Come From? in which 1977-era cartoon grown ups offer mildly helpful/icky information such as "The man pushes his penis up and down in the woman's vagina, so that both the tickly parts are being rubbed against each other. It's like scratching an itch but a lot nicer."
 --Fear of Flying
--Playboy, Penthouse and the rare Hustler
--The Sensuous Woman by "J"  (at the time her advice on giving proper head and the like was apparently so scandalous she couldn't even use her whole name.)
 --National Geographics (there is no such thing as a single issue of National Geographic--they travel only in packs) for boobic studies.

And yes, Xaviera Hollander, aka The Happy Hooker How strange to realize I'd gotten a ton of my sexual information from a hooker. A happy one, but still.

I studied these books like the Quran, looking for clues on how to behave once naked with another--and to figure out what the hell words like "necking" and "petting" meant. (Actually that's probably not what people are studying the Quran for.) My furtive peeks at these books, for better or worse, shaped my sexual worldview and informs my life even today. (Thank you, "J," you little hussy, for the "silken swirl.")

So yeah, was it the same for you? What was your formative smut? Where'd you find it? What did you learn?  Did any salient passages stick with you to guide your later sexual self? 

Here's the contest part: 

To enter, tell me what your formative smut was. That's it! From among your answers, I'll pick a winner, semi-randomly, depending on the vagaries of my mood. Deadline is Wednesday, May 27. [edit:  contest has ended. To see winner, click here.] You can comment below, use the comment form at right, or email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com.

The winner gets a choice of:

-- a $50 gift certificates to Good Vibrations, fine purveyors of sex toys.

OR

--a Pearly Waterproof Rechargeable Silicone Vibrator ($100 value) also donated by Good Vibrations.

"So....wanna fuck?"

Sex Museums!
My story "9 Amazing Sex Museums That'll Blow Your Mind" is running on AlterNet, featuring the highly important information that at NYC's Museum of Sex, there's an G-spot exhibit that's a Hall of Mirrors Maze. If you find your way to the spot, you can move your hands around to play the theremin. Which is genius.

Donations!

"I had to donate! Otherwise I was just exploiting your blog for sex," Phebie wrote, sending money I plan to blow on household electricity. Thank you, Phebie!

"It's about time I paid a subscription fee for the wonderfulness that is you delivered straight to my inbox!" wrote Ada, who signed up via PayPal to make automatic monthly donations, thus forcing me to change the honorary title for Robert, formerly IBWMW Minister of Being the Blog's Only Patron.

To Phebie, Ada, Robert, all those who've donated before, plus anyone who shares posts (like Juanita, who bravely shares practically every post, even the ones with unseemly words like "VAGINA" in the title) and the tons of people who provide smart/funny/deep comments, you keep me out of the Pit of Despair and more like Pit of Despair Adjacent, which is a much nicer area.

Now go think of your formative smut and write me back.

xoxo
jill

(Photo source)

The Unsexy Sexting/Sexy Talk Contest and Other Poorly Worded Things

The other day I was in the dressing room at Kohl's when I heard a odd shuffling from the next room.

It was a guy and a girl fucking--right there in the lingerie department dressing room.

"Oh God, I am going crazy," the guy whispered with a feral desperate lust, to the sound of bodies and clothes being undone/pushed up/pulled down to get better access to each other. Hot.

"Fuck yeah," said the chick in a tinny voice. "Fuck yeah."

"Fuck yeah"?  Ugh. So...trite and porny.

That she said "Fuck yeah" totally ruined it for me, which is lame and judgey but there you go.  Maybe it's because I'm a writer or maybe because I'm female*, but to me, the things that are said during sex are hugely important.

Words are even more important during sexting 'cause it's all words. Wrong stuff just sits there being wrong. And autocorrect just fucks with things even more. Autocorrect can turn a sexting-appropriate response of "Oh God, mmm...." into an upsetting-to-all "Oh God, mom..." 

Several weeks back, I asked the 1,164 good citizens of the IBWMW Facebook page for some examples of bad sexting, as well as bad sex talk in general, and got stories of "precum" becoming "precinct" (usage: "I want to lick your precinct") "ass" becoming "assistant" (i.e. "I am grabbing your sweet assistant, hard") and the like.

Of course, some of it's just personal preference--one person's hot talk is another person's passion destroyer. Once in high school, a guy was trying to get me to take off my shirt and instead of just saying that--hell, it might have worked--he asked me if I wanted to try something called--puke!--"smurfing," which near as I could gather, had nothing to do with Smurfs (thankfully)** and everything to do with me taking off my shirt.

Here are some more:

Quentin:  I wanted to say, "I would love to see you when I am in town."  Instead it came over, "I would love to fuck you while I am in town." Needless to say, that coming from this gay man, to an older straight friend was quite shocking!!

Mark: "I'm pregnant, you're the father, and I'm gonna kill all three of us!" ....She was quite a lady...

Claudette: I was about to give him a blowjob and he said, "Suck it like it's the last cock on Earth."

Jane:  I once typed a very graphic and rather perverted text to my (then) boyfriend Neil and promptly sent it to a work colleague called Neina....Actually that would be a better answer if the question was "Have you ever sent a text and then shouted NOOOOOOOO at your phone?"

Hey, get to the contest part, lady.

Okay fine, send in your worst sex talk and sexting fails and you will be entered to win this fine
Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations.  Winner will be determined by the vagaries of my whims. Deadline is, let's say, Friday, November 8. Enter via comment below, the IBWMW Facebook page, comment form at right or email.

xoxox
jill

*There is some evidence that it could be a chick thing. Females are more subject to distraction during sex. According to Kinsey:

Cheese crumbs spread in front of a pair of copulating rats may distract the female, but not the male.  A mouse running in front of a pair of copulating cats may distract the female and not the male. When cattle are interrupted during coitus, it is the cow that is more likely to be disturbed while the bull may try to continue with coitus. (Note: The word "coitus," btw, should never be used during coitus. Or maybe ever.)

** The separation of Smurfs and sex is a personal decision for me, and not one shared by everyone--as evidenced by this fan fiction "Smurfette's Springtime Encounter" which contains the following verbatim passage:

Tenderly, Rina reached up parting Smurfette’s hairy vagina lips. She could see a little pink bump at the top as Gargamel said. This caused the bound blonde Smurf to protest more, and try to wiggle her hips in hope to shake off Rina’s hand. Rina leaned forward with her tongue out placing it on the moist pink nub. There was a salty tang that wasn’t bad. She proceeded to move her tongue tip lightly over Smurfette’s clitoris. Smurfette’s pubic hair was course on her tongue.

(Photo via Passionate Sexual Healing)

And so we say good-bye, for now, to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina inspired Indolent to create...this.

The winner of the "Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass? Or a vagina?" Contest is...Indolent.

Indolent wins because he or she tried so darn hard. Not only did they provide this excellent answer--

"But why must it choose one? You're trying to force an identity on it not of its own desire. Doing that, you're liable to give it self-esteem issues, and maybe even some sort of disorder! (I would say an eating disorder, but a mouth seems to be the one orifice it's not trying to be.) You should praise it for its unique sensibilities, its individual contributions to the world, rather than trying to make it conform to a preconceived notion of normal. You should let it know that, no matter what else, it is a Beauty. Ass, vagina, egg, all are irrelevant. The important thing is to accept it for itself, to allow it to forge its own destiny, to reach the heights of splendor by its own path. (Perhaps not unmolested, but at least unhindered.) It is Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating, and it is Beauty."

--which could have won just for the mention of the often-overlooked Beauty that is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina, as well as the sentence "Perhaps not unmolested, but at least unhindered."

But THEN, Indolent came back a few days later, with another comment, plus a link to the artistic work shown above left.

"In an attempt to answer this question for myself, I have drawn a picture. It would appear that it is, in fact, possible for this to resemble a vulva. However, the unfortunate possessor of said vulva managed to get half of herself hit by a shrink ray, causing everything to become grotesquely out of proportion."

The best part is that the png file is called "I will never admit I drew this."

Well Indolent, if you want your prize, the possibly fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from Good Vibrations, you're gonna have to admit it, at least to me. Drop me an email with your mailing address and soon you'll be opening a benign-looking package with a nice twisty vibrator inside.

And, if you didn't read the other answers people submitted, go back and have a look. Everyone (almost) is so fucking smart and funny and possibly over-educated/underemployed, it makes me beam with pride. Go on, look--what other place offers you fellow readers that are equally comfortable using the terms "cloaca" and "assgina"?

I will leave you today with this perhaps divinely-inspired meditation on Beauty Hole Ass Vagina from reader EB.

While this is a highly complicated question, I find it be philosophically interesting in the same way that cloudwatching is philosophically interesting: to each person, the result may be different but at the same time, if you have truly connected to the person viewing beside you, you may see the same bunny-shaped cloud. Therefore, the question is not "is it an ass or a vagina" but rather, is it an ass or a vagina to both you and the person you are viewing it with? If it is the same, the benefits of this are clear--but if it is different, this is an opportunity for growth for both of you as you explore the whys and wherefores of the difference. Therefore, this question could be the very basis for the deep and lasting development of a special relationship, making the question itself not nearly as relevant to the journey to its answer. 

xoxoxo
jill

(art by Indolent)

Contest! Win a velvety twirly vibrator! Just answer an unanswerable question!

Your challenge:

Is Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating an ass....or a vagina? Explain. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to Beauty Hole Ass Vagina with Egg Vibrating.

As you may recall, we know that its package contains "1x big ass" so that might provide a clue. On the other hand, we also learned that it boasts "the feeline of mridens's skin" which tells us...um, well, that's for you to decide.

Winner, as chosen by the vagaries of my ever-changing whims, will be announced Tuesday, May 28, 2013.

The prize:

Formal portrait of purple Pirouette with blue friend

This fabulous Pirouette Waterproof Vibrator from the sexually empowered folk at Good Vibrations, who maybe will continue to give us free stuff if some of y'all get your butts and other toy-needing orifices over there and buy something.

Here's Pirouette's blurb:
Offering a new twist on vibration stimulation, this waterproof vibe features a spiraling shaft, creating a contoured surface to add a textural element to penetration play. The super-smooth velvety exterior feels sensationally soft against the skin while the simple dial control lets you adjust the intensity to suit your sensual needs.

Sounds good, yes?

So get your brain on this:  Ass? Or vagina? Ass? Or vagina?

xoxo
jill

P.S. In Bed With Married Women is now the top rated humor blog for Amazon Kindle--thanks to YOU! Which translates not to highest sales. That would go to a blog called "Joke of the Day," perhaps because it's incredibly hard to unsubscribe from. Here's a review of Joke of the Day:

"it was terrible and it comes up EVERYDAY on your homescreen. i suggest NOT to buy this blog. for one reason it is a waist of money on this silly blog and my other reason is because, the jokes are inappropriate and have NO funny part of them.

Exactly! Don't waist your money on silly things with no funny part of them, switch to IBWMW today.


(photo)

Six-Word Sexual Memoir Contest Winner

Six: A little review might be in order

The Six-Word Sexual Memoir Contest spawned over 50 entries and the unsettling knowledge that some among us are not the brightest of pennies. Said duller pennies include the more than one person who submitted a Six-Word story that was more like six-ish words, and me for not only not catching the 5 and 7 word entries, but sending them out into the world via Twitter and Facebook. (I mentally put the person who sent in a 4 word story into an even lower category because, dude, that's not even close.) Thank you to the sharp-eyed Stacey and Andy, now respectively the new IBWMW Minister and Deputy Minister of Word Countery.

The winner of the purportedly very charming Butterfly Bliss vibrator (courtesy of Good Vibrations) is:  Samantha.

The Butterfly Bliss and friend

Yes, I know I said I'd choose randomly because I'm not gonna judge art, blah blah blah, but here's Samantha's entry:

He is broken; I am frustrated.

So yes, obviously Samantha must win. But there were a ton (equivalent to 47 pounds, metrically) of great entries. Here are some of my favorites, but do go back and check out the original post if you want to see them all. 

Ophelia said...
Silent success, as dorm mate snored

Sandra Davies said...
Ignorance, insufficient imagination: inescapable, lifelong tedium.

Lizzies Valentine said...
precocious preteen found jewish erotica: eureka!

not exactly "Saint" Michael said...
Lonely, awkward. Learned women, happy now.

Anonymous said...
More often than not: my hand.

Yinna said...
After 30 seconds: "OH!...shit. Sorry"

Anonymous said...
involuntary virgin until marriage, always horny.

MySS said...
Good loving gone bad, New lover

Christina said...
Twenties, eh. Thirties, oh! Forties, YEA!

Just a girl said...
Multi-orgasmic. Need I say more?

tineke said...
Nice warm-up, too short, almost came :-(

lgettings said...
Experimentation nearly kills me. Lesson learned!

Stacey Shelton said...
Boys or girls?? I chose both.

Indolent said...
Too shy for reality; reads erotica.

Highly sexual woman said...
I am a slut. Love it!

Dicky Carter said...
No orgasm again, she buys dildo.

Wendy said...
Babies first, then bliss: Second marriages!

L said...
olfactory susceptibility drives brief inadvisable affairs.

fitzlurker said...
One spouse; too many other women.

Anonymous said....
Fake my orgasms, even when alone.

Anonymous said...
Online dating too frustrating. Home masturbating.


xoxox
jill

p.s. If you see one above with a non-six amount of words, please be my guest, and dub yourself an Honorary IBWMW Minister of Word Countery. Any sea captain can help you fill out the proper forms.

Contest: Write a Six-Word Sexual Memoir

6 words: See-though partner kinda freaking me out.

Now that we've mastered the delicate art of bad erotic haiku, we now move onto the Six-Word Memoir. The six-word memoir was popularized by Smith Magazine spurred by a challenge Hemingway was reportedly given to tell a story in six words. He wrote: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." (Although since Hemingway was known to leave his stories at a good stopping point so he'd be inspired the next day, perhaps the first day's draft read: "For sale: baby shoes, never...")  I told my 11-year-old about the six-word stories and she went off to her room, coming back with "Party after war--no one came." 

So yes, you can go all dark like Papa and my dear daughter, or you can take it whatever direction you'd like. My instructions are just this: write your sexual memoir in just six words.

The winner, chosen randomly, because who the fuck am I to judge your Art, man, will be announced Tuesday March 19.

The prize is this Play-Doh-looking Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations. This g-spot intensive, plus outer stimulation set-up, according to my sex toy-selling friend, is good. Damn good. So you might wanna work for this one. Or if you'd rather just buy your way into it, click here.

Leave entries below as a comment or drop me a line at: jillhamilton001@gmail.com.

xoxox
jill

(photo source: Lady Cheeky)

Instant-ish Karma Contest

Early remote control vibes were unweldly

In Bed With Married Women has hit well over half a million page views, which is great--even though maybe 100,000 or so are from people like... the dear Canadian who Googled "Barbie beds in Hamilton" and instead of getting a nice kids' furniture store in Hamilton, Ontario, got my post about some dude sticking a stack of Barbie doll heads up his butt.

And in the past couple of days, some of you lovely souls have bought stuff through Amazon, Good Vibrations or shelled out for a Kindle subscription.  So I'm happy--or at least as happy as I can be on my new, only marginally effective, generic Lexapro.

In this state of sort of/almost happiness, I am moved to do something for you. Something I do best, which is give sex toys to random people online. Which, luckily, is exactly the career choice What Color Is Your Parachute? recommended for me.

Today's offering is the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator from Good Vibrations. Best of all:  Remote. Controlled. Which is completely hot.

Oh, I'll press it again. If you beg.

A $69 value, here's the blurb:

This ingenious and quiet little vibe is perfect for naughty partner play! Hand over the remote (which will work up to 20' away when the batteries are fresh), tuck the velvety soft-finish waterproof bullet somewhere sensitive, and wait for unexpected (or carefully negotiated) fun to begin! The remote's backlit screen shows which of the ten different functions -- from different vibration intensities to oscillation and pulsation settings -- is currently working its magic.

(There was also a bit in there about not sticking it up your butt and "a cord for retrieval when used vaginally," but the whole idea of remote controlled butts and heroic vaginal rescues seemed like it might "ruin the mood.")

Anyway to enter, do something nice for In Bed With Married Women--go to the right margin and donate, buy some Amazon thing or get a big honking vibrator from Good Vibrations (Jesus, look at this one.) If you're cash poor, but rich in friends and $6.99 bottles of generic Lexapro (I hear ya), then you could recommend a post on Facebook or pass a note to a friend in class or something. Whatever you want! I won't even check because that's how much I trust your ass, Dear Internet Stranger.

To let me know you have indeed entered and do--dammit!--want that Wireless Vibe up your wang or the wang of someone you love, leave a comment below. You can tell us what act of IBWMW boosterism you did, or not. I'm not the boss of you. And if you're shy,  send me an email.

xoxox
jill

ps Jennifer M. asked on the IBWMW Facebook page how the Amazon, and Good Vibes ordering works. If you order something using a link on this page, I get a cut. However, I DO NOT see who is ordering what or anything. So, if you want to stock up on all your Santa fetish gear and accompanying erotica, I will be none the wiser. So go to fucking town.

pss Winner announced Monday.