Shit My Players Say
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- “Rogue” is a thief. “Rouge” is makeup.
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Happy submitting!
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Cleric: *coughing* I’m DYING!
Paladin: Okay, well mute yourself so you don’t interrupt the session.
DM: Damn
Cleric: *mutes*
Fighter: “Okay well die quietly then"
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Sticky keys
Context: Party is talking to a ghost in a haunted mansion for a halloween special session. They’re asking about hide n seek. The cleric and the warlock are both nonverbal ooc, so they type. Everyone else talks.
Cleric, done with hide n seek from creepy children: I’m stealing your teeth and your spiders.
Ghost: You’re… stealing our… what? Please, do not-
Warlock: Ignore him.
Cleric: I have a jar of teet
Cleric, ooc: TEETH**** I MEANT TEETH
(entire call starts laughing for like ten seconds)
Cleric, ooc after it all dies down: Cleric titty jar canon??
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“Wait, you guys are also fighting a caravan?”
“Yeah, ours looks like a giant bunch of bananas and has the word "SPOOKEE” written on it"
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DM: is this meant to be intimidation?
Rogue: this is meant to be sexy, DM.
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*raiding a wizard’s house after the party killed him*
Snow-Rabbit (Rogue bard): Hey Pious! Found this for you *holds up an issue of Playgoblin*
Pious Humanman III (Cleric): I seduce a goblin once so you can rob him and now I’m just Goblussy Guy to you people
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Ranger: We should get you drunk more often, if you’re this good while you’re drunk!
Barbarian: This isn’t drunk, this is blood loss!
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Monk: I stab him non-lethally, with fire.
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“She’s having a foot, she’ll get her health back in a minute”
—the gm about a vampire npc
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“[cleric] is drunk on yaoi he’s not prepared for The Horrors” — cleric’s player -
Artificer: tries to blow a whole bunch of people with a Shatter spell
Enemy Wizard: Counterspells it
Artificer: gets really upset
Artificer: COUNTERSPELL THIS, BITCH! shoots her with a crossbow
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(Two NPCs are in an argument and they just pulled out weapons)
Tiefling ranger: Should we…do something?
Gnome rogue: Hold on, I want to see how this ends.
Elven Paladin: That’s what you said about letting us get sacrificed to Demogorgon!