Chapter Text
“So, how are you”
It was odd. Surreal, really. Sitting at that dinner with Nick in front of her. It felt like a dream, a dreadful one, scary and confusing. One where all the faces were messed up, where the place was the right one but it looked off, completely different but with the same feeling. She could tell a few things had changed, beside her and Nick. The glasses were different too, they were a sort of oval shape, thinner. She felt it was a stupid thing to notice, but she did anyway, the moment she took it to get a sip of water, it didn't fit right on her hand somehow, she got used to it after a bit. The tables were new, and the booths and chairs had a different tapestry. They were brownish red, instead of that old, worn down dirty yellow. The floor was now a sleek hardwood, or at last a tile made to look hardwood.
The place seemed more refined, more mature, just like Nick and her in a way. No longer those moody teenagers, carelessly wasting hours in the afternoon, complaining about something or talking about nothing, filling up on sugary drinks or sharing a meal. No longer three stupid teens, now only two complicated adults. She had been nostalgic about those times ever since they slipped out of her grasp all those years ago. And even if she didn't think about it as much as before, there was always a part of her that longed for what was lost. Always present, like never ending embers of a fire long gone, no longer keeping her warm, just a reminder of what once was.
“Fine. I guess”, she could barely look at Nick. There was something about him that brought her pain. Maybe it was his face, so similar to his sister's, even if aged. Maybe that was part of it too. In her memories Nick was always that young bright guy with wide eyed stare behind those thick black frames and wild hair, the kind that was cracking jokes left and right, always thinking of something clever to say, always trying to make everyone around him laugh, in most of her memories at least. To see him now, grown, a serious man with a calmer stare behind slimmer metal frames, curly hair softly falling slightly on the side of his face . It struck her. “You?”
“Fine” he looked at the table and made a face “It’s weird being here”
“Yeah, the whole place is changed. It doesn’t feel right”
He looked up “Yeah, that too. But I meant here in town” she looked at him, seing a hint of his sadness show through that calm face he seemed to wear now. “It’s the first time I’m back”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’ve been busy” he paused, lips turning downwards for a moment. “And I really couldn't bear it before” his hands started playing with the menu in front of him. “I’m not sure I can stomach it now either but-” he sighted. They sat silent for a moment, he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his hands, fidgeting with them ever so slightly, fingertips on the edge of the plastic menu.
“Hi” A short, bright eyed girl walked up to the side of their booth, it was the same one that had left their menus in front of them just a few minutes before “Are you guys ready to order?”
“Yeah” said Nick “I'll have a latte and a donut”
“Chocolate, strawberry or vanilla glaze”
“Strawberry”
The girl nodded as she wrote it down “What about you?” she asked as she looked at Alex.
“A tea” the girl wrote it down “and a cookie. Chocolate chip”
“It'll be right up” the girl took their menus and turned back to where she came from.
The silence that had occupied the moment they sat down and had lingered for a moment came back. She wasn’t sure what t d with herself. Nick took a small breath, “So you're in AA?” he said, glossing over what he was talking about before. Alex nodded, letting the previous topic go.
“Yeah” She nodded, unable to figure out what to say next.
“Dad said you started drinking back when they sold the house”
Alex pressed her lips “Yeah- I never did apologize to him about that”
“It’s fine. I’m sure it helped him in a way.” he shrugged, “Having to take care of you, I mean” Nick looked down, the menu now gone, just staring at the table or at his hands, she wasn’t quite sure “He was all allone out here and-” he shook his head ever so slightly “I never apologized about my stuff either.” he looked up back at her “No one did. I guess, we all just- did what we could. Right?”
“Right?” Alex nodded “I probably should, though. It’s part of the whole make amends thing”
“Right”
They couldn’t quite look at eachother in the eye anymore. There was something off about it. She kept looking around his face, not quite at him, and so did him. It was odd, he sounded different but it was his voice, he looked different but it was still him, he’d just grown. She had, too. She wasn’t sure how they could fit anymore, she wasn’t sure if they should even try.
Alex held her hands together above the table and looked at them as she played with her fingers. She still had no idea why he had dragged them to meet there, of all places. She had no idea why he had come back, this year of all years, or what his life was like now, she had no idea of anything whatsoever. She felt so put out f it, it all felt too real, real enough to make it seem fake, like it was all a twisted memory of a realistic dream. She wished the dinner still allowed to smoke indoors, she wasn’t sure what to do with her hands, with her mouth, with herself. It all felt so incredibly weird. It was Nick in front of her, in the same place they used to hang out all those years ago, but it wasn’t really Nick and it wasn’t really her either, it barely even felt like the same place. As stagnant as she felt, as childish and immature, she had changed. And so had Nick. It wasn’t as it was in so many ways, because they weren’t who they were back then.
“Nick, I-” she looked up to face him, he did the same. For a moment it felt real “I really don’t wanna sound like a bitch but, why did you call me?”
“Yeah-” he straightened up as he breathed in “I just needed to know how you were doing” he let out in one breath, shaking his head and shrugging ever so slightly “I just left. I never reached out-”
“It’s not on you- I could’ve-”
“Yeah. But I could’ve, too.” he cut her off “I should have” he added “I left” Alex bit her lip, looking away for a moment, staring out to the dinner, seeing the waitress walk to the kitchen “You were alone. Here” she looked back at him, he looked so remorseful, so guilty “But- It’s-” he shook his head, eyes lost in the nothingness beside her “It was all just too much. I didn’t want to think about it”
“Neither did I” she sincerely said “We just did what we could”
“Yeah” he swallowed “I guess I just wanted to check in. Make sure you don’t hate me”
Alex froze.
“Why would I hate you, Nick?”
“I don’t know.” there was a beat of silence that she didn’t know how to cut, but
he kept goin “We were supposed to go through it together but I left. And grieve does- things to people” there was a strange candor in his voice “You blame whatever you have near you. Get angry” she nodded, hearing what was being said between the lines.
“You hated me back then”
Nick pressed his lips together, not looking at her. he breathed out, touching his nose with exasperation.
“Yeah” he looked up at her “I know it wasn’t your fault”
“Don’t”
“Alex. It really wasn’t”
“Please. Don’t.” she stopped him, a harsh monotone element to her voice that almost covered up the trembling in it “I know. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t make it happen. I wasn’t the one that-” she stoped, the trembling taking over for a moment, she composed herself so quickly it almost scared her “But I didn’t prevent it either, I could’ve-” she assured “If I’d known.” tears stinged in her ayes but she tried to ignore it “If I hadn’t been so childish. I-” Nick almost reached out for her hand, but he stopped just after the first reflex, contained himself, unsure why.
“You were a kid. We all were” he assured, but she didn’t take confort in it so he said “And I could play that game too.” Alex looked up to him, concerned “I mean, if I hadn’t left-”
“Nick, you told me to look after her and I didn’t” tears were well formed in her eye.
“Stop it”
“Nick, I-”
“Are we really gonna play a game of chicken about who killed my sister?”
An unexpected laugh escaped Alex, and Nick snickered too. They smiled at eachoter, with a bitter bite to it and tears on Alex’s eyes. Their smiles turned sour almost instantly, but there was no bitterness between them.
They let a beat of silence take them, as if they needed to stop and recompose, let the moment pass for a minute. When that moment went by, Alex’s face turned sadder, she cracked her head and spoke, voice cracked with her drowned cry, “Nick”
“I’m sorry”
“I-” she stoped, tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t weeping, her tears falled quietly down her cheeks, not a sound scaping her mouth, her eyes lost as she faced away from him.
“Alex, look at me” she did, wiping her tears with the back of her hand “It wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t mine” he swallowed, looking at her anguish filled face “It’s just a fucked up thing that happened. Okay?” he breathed out “We can’t control everything”
Alex nods, staying quiet for a moment before saying “I’m sorry. For whatever it’s worth”
“You don’t have to be. But thank you” he sighted “I’m sorry, too. For whatever it’s worth”
Alex gave him a tight lip smile. Neither off them spoke for a moment, not until the waitress brought their order. “So, really, how you’ve been? What you’ve been up to?” He said, grabbing his mug, taking a sip after speaking.
“Not a lot really. I’ve been going to community colleague for a few years now. I have a few friends there.” she nodded “And I’ve been seing someone, as you know”
“How’s that going?”
Alex grabbed her drink and nodded “Pretty well, He’s- nice”
“Just nice?” he coimplained in a jokely manner “C’mon, give me something more”
“I don’t know.” she hesitated “He’s funny. Attentive. He’s- he makes me feel better, makes everyday better.” she said, loosing up a little bit, remembering it wass Nick she was talking to “When I don’t see him for a whole day it just- It feels empty, like it wasn’t really a day.” Alex almost blushed at her words “That sounds stupid but-”
“No, I get it”
“Yeah?”
“It’s the way I used to feel about you”
Alex froze for a moment “Oh”
“Sorry. I didn’t meant to-”
“No it’s okay” she stopped him, nodding at him with understanding
Nick chuckled a bit “What I meant to say was that you were that kind of person to me. You know?” Alex nodded, a shared understanding in their gaze “I just felt alive when I was with you. When we were kids”
“I felt it too, a bit.” she smiled at him “With you and Sarah” Alex sighted “With her mostly” Nick nodded before taking a longer drink of his coffee. Alex shifted in her seat “What about now? Do you have someone like that in your life?”
“Not really” Nick said, leaving his mug no the table “I mean. I have friends, good friends. And it’s good. My life, I mean.” he assured, Alex didn’t doubt his words, there was no reason to “I have a job, a house, a dog. I just don’t have that” Nick looked away for a moment, mug shifting between his fingers, his donut left untouched “I don’t think I need it, either” he declared, almost as if that tought occurred to him in the moment. Alex doubted that, but she wasn’t going to debate him on it.
“That’s good, being able to live just by, living”
There was a silence, Nick was thinking.
“I miss it thought” he finally said “The connection, the importance” there was a melancholy to his voice “I’ve been kind of disconnected” he sincerely said, looking at Alex with a honest stare ”From everything I mean. I’m just there” he shrugged “And it’s fine. I- It’s good. I’m good but-” his voice wondered to silence, he breathed out a tiresome sight “I don’t think I’ve let myself connect”
Alex looked at him, the newfound sadness in his eyes, his defeated posture, recognizing the tired tone in his voice.
“I hadn’t either. Not before Ian, I mean” she said, trying to show him some empathy some sense of shared sadness. She shrugged, looking at him with sympathy “It’s hard”
Nick nodded “It really is”
She felt terrible. He looked so beaten down in that moment, when he looked so well when they had sat down. She wondered if it was part of the disconnection he had made known, if that look of put-togetherness was just a unconscious facade, a mask that he wasn’t aware he was wearing, and had only come out in her presence. She wanted to make it better somehow.
“We can- connect again” she offered, sincerely “If you want”
Nick looked up at her, a faint smile in his lips.
“I think I’d like that”