Chapter Text
The table was tense at the Hawke household. The youngest was seated awkwardly next to his twin Bethany, wanting to be anywhere but here. The elder set of twins wore matching stony expressions, one sat at the table with her chair leaning back and the other leaned against the wall.
The family looked quite alike, especially the sets of twins. The whole family save for Leandra had dark skin, and the elder twins both had dark brown curly hair. Julian had a short beard, and Carver had tried to grow one but failed. Olivia wore her hair parted down the middle, falling in large ringlets. Julian wore his hair short and the curl was barely noticeable.
Right now Olivia was looking at Leandra with piercing hazel eyes.
Now there was no teasing, just silence as Leandra’s words settled in the air.
“Rumor has it you’ve slept with a whore,” was what she had told her daughter as the family had gathered for a modest dinner.
“You should really not listen to rumors, mother,” Bethany tried to placate. Olivia spoke up anyway.
“I don’t see how it’s any of their business who I sleep with. Not yours either.”
“The neighbors are talking, Olivia,” Leandra sighed. “The whole town will think you’re a-“
“Lesbian?” Olivia finished for her, raising one dark brow. “Let them think that. It’s true after all.”
“Mother, can we discuss anything else?” Carver asked, squirming in his seat.
“This is the only place she won’t run away from the question,” Leandra told him. “Olivia dear, perhaps you just haven’t met the right man. The Smiths’ son is lovely-“
“Not interested,” Olivia cut her off, immediately going back to eating her food.
“I only want you to be able to settle down someday with a family of your own, carry on the Amell and the Hawke line.”
Julian snorted from his place away from the table. “Sorry, mother,” he said. “That’s not going to happen. Better wait for Carv and Bethy.”
The whole family knew the odds of Julian being the barer of the family lineage was slim to none, not with his own homosexuality. Leandra had tried this vary conversation on him too, with just as much success.
“Also,” Olivia added, gesturing with her fork as she spoke, “I didn’t pay for sex, she was just attracted to me. That’s gotta count for something, right? More honor?”
“Oh so now you’re wooing this whore?” Leandra asked with a tinge of exasperation.
“Don’t sound so snide, Peaches is a nice girl. But no, it’s casual.”
“This is great dinner conversation, really,” Carver grumbled.
“Mother brought it up,” was Olivia’s defense, delivered with a shrug.
Julian had not missed these kinds of conversations with his mother. While he loved his family dearly, he hadn’t missed his mother’s controlling personality. He and Carver had just returned from Ostagar following the disastrous battle with the darkspawn.
Leandra had been supportive of both he and Carver joining the army, and Olivia would have joined too if not for Leandra’s begging. But no, Julian left for the army and Olivia stayed behind to endure Leandra’s matchmaking attempts. Julian did almost feel bad for her, knowing how important family was to her. She had put a lot of hope into the twins, thinking them the ones to continue the family line. However, sometimes life gives you two children who prefer the company of the same gender and you have to deal with it and adjust.
Leandra was still working on the adjusting part.
Perhaps Leandra had thought life would be different after her two eldest left their life of crime and became a soldier or stayed at home. Julian was pretty sure Leandra knew that the only reason he and Olivia weren’t still running with their own gang was because it got busted. After all, the two were practically raised criminals. There wasn’t much legitimate work for an apostate, so Malcom did what he had to do. Once he died when the twins were only 14, the gang soon realized that he had a mage daughter who could replace him. Leandra wasn’t happy that her teenager joined a gang, but the family had been starving. So, Olivia left them to become the breadwinner and Julian followed soon after once he reached adulthood. At least, for Leandra’s sake, the younger twins had never gotten mixed up in that life.
The family had grown up fractured, but now they were all together around one table again. Julian couldn’t allow himself to relax, however, because now they were all unemployed. The gangs around Lothering had been pretty much wiped out, especially after those Gray Wardens came through.
If life had taught Julian anything, it was that survival was what mattered. Not ideals, not good deeds. Good deeds didn’t keep you fed or keep you alive. His survival, his family’s survival, that’s all that mattered.
There was a commotion outside of the house, banging on the door. Olivia and Julian both jumped to their feet and made for the door. Julian reached it first, but Olivia stayed close by him with her shoulders squared defensively.
Julian opened the door to the face of a city guardsman.
“Ser, you and your family must leave! The darkspawn are coming! Evacuate while you can!”
Julian didn’t even reply to him, just ran to grab his sword and his daggers.
Olivia went for the closet, grabbing her and Bethany’s staves. They couldn’t use them normally for obvious reasons, but Malcom had insisted they have that option. Olivia, however, had not used her original staff in years, preferring her father’s.
It was a mad scramble out of the house, and the streets weren’t any better. People were running, and in the distance an army could be seen.
The Hawkes flee with the crowd, seeing a ball of flame soar over their heads. The crowd screamed. This was worse than Julian could have imagined. This was like Ostagar, why was this happening to Lothering?
More running, more screaming, and the family was outside of the city. Outside, but not safe. The darkspawn were in the surrounding area. Julian had fought darkspawn only once before, but he knew to stay away from their blood. He worried for Carver, swinging his sword about with bravado. Olivia and Bethany would be safe with the range of their spells.
By now the family was relatively far from the other fleeing citizenry, but not the darkspawn.
The family was passing through a large formation of rocks, using them as cover. A few darkspawn rushed at them directly, and then more did. Julian sliced at the ones that weren’t taken down by Olivia’s fire. Bethany was doing her best with magic, but she wasn’t very suited to combat.
Julian and Olivia ushered the group to higher ground, and the darkspawn followed. In the distance Julian saw two other figures in the distance, also fighting for their lives. As the battles raged on they got closer, until both sets of strangers were fighting as a group.
Finally the last darkspawn fell, and Julian was breathing a sigh of relief when the only thing as bad as darkspawn happened.
“Apostates!” The armored man accused, pointing at Julian’s sisters. Olivia moved in front of Bethany quickly, almost growling.
The man, Julian noticed too late, was a Templar.
“You won’t touch her!” Olivia told the man fiercely.
“Wes,” the woman next to him said. “Is this really the time?”
“I agree,” Julian added as he stepped into the conversation. Julian was an imposing man and he used that to his full advantage. He needed to defuse the situation before Olivia pounced like a tiger. “It’s us against the darkspawn, let’s not do the work for them.”
The man stepped forward, and Julian wasn’t quick enough to stop Olivia from striding directly into the Templar’s space. She may be noticeably shorter, but she held her head high like he couldn’t strike her down. Julian loved Olivia dearly, but this was a bad move.
“Not one more step!” Olivia almost yelled.
“Do not provoke me, apostate,” sneered the man.
“I don’t need magic to end you,” growled Olivia, her hand going to the sword she wore along with her staff.
“Wesley, stand down!” The red headed woman pleaded. “This isn’t worth it! Now is not the time to think of the Order.”
“You’re also outnumbered,” Julian pointed out.
“You try and hurt my sisters, see what happens!” Carver piped up.
Olivia and Wesley glared at each other for a moment later, then both took a step back while still eyeing each other suspiciously.
“We’re all against the darkspawn,” the redhead reminded the group. “My name is Aveline, this is my husband Wesley.”
“I’m Bethany,” Bethany offered up like she hadn’t just been threatened. Julian and Olivia both shot her a disapproving look. She rolled her eyes. “This is Olivia,” Bethany continued, “and Julian. Over there is Carver, and that’s Leandra.”
“Fighting together would benefit us all,” Aveline said. “More darkspawn are no doubt on their way, we need to flee to the coast. We’ll likely need to leave Ferelden...” she sounded sad, but resolute. “Teryn Loghain is not doing anything to stop the Blight.”
“Where will we go?” Asked Carver.
“Kirkwall,” Leandra spoke.
“What? Where your family’s from?” Carver asked.
“Where our family is from. The Amells are your family too.”
“Not any family of mine,” Olivia said with no apology. “Nor Bethany. If they didn’t accept dad, they won’t accept us.”
“My brother will help, I’m sure of it,” said Leandra.
“If we can make it to the coast, I would also travel to Kirkwall,” said Aveline. “We ought to stick together. I know ships go that way frequently. Wesley, you could join the Order there.”
“All the more reason not to go,” Olivia grumbled. “The Templars.”
“It’s our only choice,” said Julian. “We have family there, there’s no Blight. Settling down elsewhere in Ferelden will just end like this.”
“Who died and put you in charge?” Olivia told him.
“Dad,” Julian answered.
Olivia let out a dark laugh. “No, he left that to me. Just because mom wants you in charge doesn’t mean you are.”
“I think we should go to Kirkwall,” Bethany cut in.
“I as well,” Carver said reluctantly. “I don’t want to stay in Ferelden. And if these people,” he gestured to Aveline and Wesley, “know a way to Kirkwall, we should travel with them.”
For once, people listened to Carver and that was the end of the conversation. Aveline led the group away, through the woods and along a disused trail.
Night fell eventually, and the group had to rest. The next day, they found a caravan headed to the docks who were sympathetic enough to take them along.
Julian was walking near the back with Wesley, a position that was quite purposeful.
“Ser Wesley,” Julian broke the silence.
“Yes?”
“If you turn on us in Kirkwall, turn my sisters in to the Templars, I’ll kill you.”
Wesley almost stopped in his tracks, but kept walking.
Julian continued casually. “I don’t care if the Order protects you, one day you’ll be alone on a patrol and something unfortunate will happen. I’ll make it happen, and be happy about it. It won’t bring my sisters back to me, but it will make me feel better.”
“You... you would kill me for...fun?” Wesley spluttered. “You would gain nothing!”
“Justice done is reward enough.”
“What is just in vengeance?”
“Is there a difference?” Julian said with a wry smile, which was rare for him. Being a bastard brought out some kind of sick joy in him. Power, in a world where he was so often powerless.
“My revenge will be my justice, so pray you never earn it.”
Julian didn’t give Wesley a chance to reply, just walked on ahead. Hopefully he got his message across.
__________
Wesley died two days later, and Julian had nothing to do with it. The Blight took him, and Aveline ended his life before he could rot away. All Julian could feel was relief. He couldn’t read Olivia’s expression, but wondered if she felt the same. The twins were eerily similar sometimes, which is why they butted heads so often. Olivia probably felt guilty for being relieved, though. Julian didn’t, Wesley dead meant one less Templar to threaten his family.
He still eyed Aveline with suspicion on the last days of walking, the party leaving the caravan behind to make their way to the docks. Aveline looked like a corpse walking, her gaze fixed on some point in front of her, possibly the void itself. Maybe Aveline would turn them in once they got to Kirkwall, but now that must be the furthest thing from her mind.
————-
It was one day later, when everything fell apart. Julian barely remembered any of it through the rage of battle and the blood rushing through his ears. All he can really remember is the moment Bethany turned on that ogre, and the sound of her body hitting the ground. He didn’t even remember killing the beast, only it being dead at its feet and Bethany being dead on the ground.
Leandra was sobbing over her body, and soon turned her sorrow to rage and turned on Olivia. Olivia had been fighting a hurlock and was one second too late to stop Bethany from attacking the ogre. If their positions had been reversed, if Olivia had been just a little faster killing the hurlock, it might have been different.
He didn’t remember what Leandra screamed in her grief, but he did remember Olivia’s accepting silence. For once, Olivia was not fighting her mother.
____________
The boat was crowded to the brim with refugees, all charged whatever they could pay for a way out. Bloody extortionists.
Julian sat in the packed lower deck, leaning against the wall. He could still hear the sound of Bethany hitting the ground. Olivia still hadn’t cried, and Julian wondered if his own silent tears made him weaker than her. Olivia had taken one of Bethany’s rings, she turned it around on her finger as she stared into space.
The ride took weeks, and it was on week two that Olivia finally cried. She was curled up in the corner of the packed room, resting her head on Aveline’s shoulder. Aveline had not left them since they boarded the boat, which Julian found strange. Were he in her place, they wouldn’t have been any different than the other refugees. Maybe it was because they had both lost someone. Whatever the reason, he didn’t like that Aveline was sticking around so close to Olivia. Aveline was the widow of a Templar, and Olivia an apostate. There could never be friendship there, even born in the depths of despair.
At the end of the final week, Leandra’s grief found a new target.
“You should have been watching them, Julian!” She had cried. Everyone in the room could hear her even over the light chatter, but no one cared.
“How can you lead this family when you let this happen!”
“I know, mother,” was Julian’s reply. He didn’t really believe it. There was no point in thinking about what might have been, because what happened happened. The world was a cruel place, and he should have known his family would not come out unscathed. He could handle Leandra, she just needed someone to be mad at. Julian wasn’t mad, he was distraught. But he couldn’t show that, he had to keep a stoic face. Leandra had been right that he needed to lead the family, and he couldn’t do that if he gave in to emotion.
There was no one to blame, only the world itself. The world was cruel, and it had taken Bethany. Julian caught himself wishing it were him, and then had to chastise himself for breaking his own rule. What happened happened. It was over. There was no fixing it, not amount of thinking of what could or should have been. Knowing this didn’t make it hurt any less.
Once they were in Kirkwall, Julian made a promise to himself. He would protect his family, or he would die trying.
———————-
The docks of Kirkwall are packed with refugees, and none of them are being let into the city.
“I tell you, I have family in Kirkwall!” Leandra had pleaded with an impassive guard. My brother is Gamlen Amell, please tell him I’m here and he will come.”
The guard begrudgingly agreed, but said it might not help. Julian did see some people getting in, and money changed hands. Maybe there was hope in Gamlen, since he was an Amell.
It was one more day before Julian heard someone yell Leandra’s name through the crowd. The family were among the other small encampments of the homeless refugees, all congregated around a filthy stone wall.
“Gamlen!” Leandra exclaimed, leaping to her feet and finding the man. She brought him back, and Julian’s heart sank. Just looking at him, Julian knew something was wrong. He looked awful, his hair was greasy, his clothes were filthy. This was not a noble.
“For fucks sake,” Olivia muttered, likely feeling the same.
“Gamlen, you need to buy us passage into the city,” Leandra said with hopeful eyes.
“Uh,” Gamlen stuttered. And then it got worse. The longer he explained, the more Julian wanted to strangle his newfound uncle. He literally gambled the house away. He was dirt poor, he couldn’t help them.
Leandra was harshly berating Gamlen for ruining the family name, which caused him to bring out jabs of his own.
“No! I won’t be blamed for the downfall of the family, not when you ran away with that-“ he looked around, finding the place too crowded, “that...man. You threw away the Amell name, don’t act so sad about it now.”
Leandra had no reply, but huffed anyway. “That’s no way to talk about your brother in law.”
Gamlen laughed. “That man will never be family to me.”
“What about his children, my children?” Leandra pleaded. “Will you be so quick to cast them aside? These are your nieces and nephews!”
“What about them, are they also...” he didn’t say it, but gave Leandra a meaningful look. She stuttered for a moment, looking flustered.
“Yes, I am,” Olivia told Gamlin with a look that could kill. “Does that make a difference?”
Gamlen took an instinctual step back. “No, no,” he muttered to himself. Then to Leandra. “I’m not bringing the Templars down on my head. You’re all on your own, I’m sorry...”
He made to leave but Leandra grabbed his sleeve. “You owe us!” She hissed. “You destroyed the Amell name, you destroyed our home, you will do this one thing and help us!”
“You chose this when you ran away with that man,” was Gamlen’s reply. He yanked his arm free of Leandra and left in a huff.
“We don’t need his help,” said Olivia. Julian was inclined to agree.
And so the family waited like all the other helpless refugees. They waited, at least until Julian spotted a suspicious character prowling the area. He talked to different people, but never for long. Julian had some idea of who this man might be.
Julian walked over to the man and clapped a hand on his shoulder. The man jumped but quickly shook him off.
“And what do you want, doglord?”
“I’m going to ignore that last part. You’re recruiting for someone. Who?”
The man glanced down at Julian’s daggers he kept at his belt and then at the sword on his back.
“The Red Iron. We’re mercenaries. You interested?”
“Can you get me and my family into the city?”
“If you prove you’re as tough as you look. Meet me tonight by the docks, down over there.” The man pointed. “But be warned, there’s others who want in just as much as you. You’re nothing special.”
“Never dreamed of it,” Julian replied dryly as the man walked away.
Good, he had a lead. A gang could get them inside the city. He decided not to tell his mother where he was going that night.
——————-
This part of the docks smelled even more like fish than the rest, somehow.
Julian confidently made his way over to a group of people concealed in the shadow of a run down shack.
“Red Iron?” Julian asked the group.
One of them nodded. “You’re here to join then.”
“You had said something about proving myself.”
“Gotta beat out the others who want your spot, literally.”
Now that Julian was closer, he could hear sounds of fighting behind the shack. Then someone hit the ground hard and cried out.
“Looks like the lass is done with him, then,” laughed one of the Red Irons. He then handed over some coin to another. “I’ll admit, you’re stronger than you look.”
Out of the shadows stepped Olivia. Oh, Maker.
“What are you doing here?” Julian asked, already knowing the answer.
“Joining the Red Iron. Someone has to get us into the city. Looks like you had the same idea.”
“Mother wouldn’t want you to do this.”
“Sod what mother wants,” replied Olivia. “You’d best get on to your own audition, if you can make it that is.”
Julian confidently waited for his fight, and then confidently won. Just as planned, except for the part with Olivia which was not in his plan.
“It does make sense to have us both join, I suppose,” Julian pondered as the twins walked back to their family to deliver the news. “We do have two people we need to get into the city after all. Maybe they would have only let me take one.”
“You always do that,” Olivia observed.
“Do what?” Julian raised an eyebrow.
“Pretend like things go your way when they don’t. You don’t want me in the Red Iron.”
“We don’t always get what we want. But you know we didn’t both have to join. One of us was probably enough to get Carver and mother in.”
“But not Aveline,” said Olivia.
“Maker’s breath!” Julian groaned. “What is with you and that woman? She’s the widow of a Templar, she still carries his bloody shield! You’re not safe around her.”
“I think I’ll decide what’s safe for me, thanks,” Olivia replied coldly. “You don’t need to protect me. I’ve been protecting myself since I was 14.”
“You never should have had to.”
“But you should now? I don’t care that you’re a man and I’m a woman, I won’t be your charge to look after.”
“It’s not about me being a man!” Said Julian, gesturing as he spoke.
“Are you sure? Not mother’s words getting into your head? You don’t want to be the big strong head of the household just like mom wanted?”
Julian didn’t reply, because she was right. It had stung for many years when Olivia left them and provided for them. He had felt useless. His mother had always told him “look after your sisters.” For years his sister had effectively looked after him, and wasn’t that a bit of a kick to his masculinity?
Underneath his gruff exterior, he did want to live up to his mother’s expectations. Warrior. Protector.
Leandra’s words rang in his ears along with Bethany hitting the ground.