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Well, it had finally happened.
After years of back and forth peace, overthrows, killings, wars; re-peace, re-overthrows, re-killings, re-wars; rinse and repeat; the impossible had finally occurred in the galaxy.
The Force had gotten mad.
Kylo could personally attest to this . . . As could Rey . . . And pretty much everyone else.
That was why the Supreme Leader and his Jedi enemy, at this very moment, had their tongues down each other’s moaning throat.
When the Jedi tests (and the Sith tests, for that matter) were written, someone clearly forgot to mention what happens when two people knit together in a super-rare Force bond break up.
To put it in plain English: The Force be MAD!
The Force didn’t seem to mind the never-ending cock-measuring contests between the Dark side and the Light side as they took turns whipping the galaxy. But throw a stubborn Dyad into the mix and things got squirrely.
In hindsight, Kylo and Rey probably should have seen the signs. They almost kill each other on Starkiller Base, but the Force just happens to split the ground between them to make them behave. Then they start Force-connecting at conveniently random times for no obvious reason—when Kylo’s hot eight-pack is stark-naked; when Rey is all lonely and needing some good hand-sex; et cetera et cetera.
Then they’re in the Supremacy throne room, victorious and horny after walloping Snoke and his guards; but everything goes south. Kylo gives Rey a proposal that makes total sense and isn’t lame at all, and she goes berserk; then he flies off the handle just a little bit and attacks her friends on Crait, and she switches off their connection.
That should have been the last of their Force-bond story.
Fin!
The end.
Roll credits.
Th-th-th- That’s all, folks!
Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
Just go back to killing each other without that nasty bond getting in the way.
. . . . . . Or not???
A few months later, the very not-dead bond reopens—probably just to annoy them, if they were to take a guess. One minute, Kylo and Rey are yelling and talking smack at each other.
The next, they’re making whoopie and losing their virginities all over the floor.
And it happens again a week later.
And again.
They see each other and turn into horndogs. What in tarnation was the Force doing?
They hoped it was just a bond thing and nobody else would know, but never underestimate the power of the tantrum-throwing Force. One day, the First Order and the Resistance met in some battle on some planet, and both the Supreme Leader and the scavenger were there to squash each other.
Except they dropped their lightsabers and got jiggy with it right on the grass, during the battle, as both sides stared in horrified shock.
It was like Bruh, seriously?!
They legit couldn’t keep their hands to themselves.
Having all of zero idea what to do, Kylo’s side stunned him unconscious as Rey’s side stunned her so they wouldn’t literally bang each other to death. Bizarrely enough, that put a pause on the battle and both sides went home; you don’t just snap to and go back to shooting people after seeing your champion get hanky-panky with the enemy.
Word quickly got out about the inexplicable battle porno, prompting a few A-holes, like Hux, to argue that Kylo was a shoddy Supreme Leader and should be dethroned; but Kylo just Force-choked those chumps and that was the end of that. Similarly, the Resistance kept scratching their heads about Rey, wondering how their main weapon was supposed to do them any good if she couldn’t stop humping the bad guy; but General Organa protected her like a fairy godmother, arguing that her son finally getting laid may literally save the galaxy.
Eventually, it became obvious that pretty much nothing could get done by either side until the narked Force forgave its ornery Dyad and stopped making them so thirsty. But what would make the Force happy? Representatives from both sides finally sat down together for peaceful-ish negotiations, hoping some kind of agreement could be reached.
They thought they’d be smart, keeping only one of the Dyad duo in the meeting room at a time and switching them every hour—one in the meeting room to negotiate, the other watching the proceedings over holo-monitor in another room, then swap.
Things were going as well as could be expected. Until, during one of Kylo’s turns to be present and grumble his demands, the bond opened and Rey appeared before him, at the opposite end of the lengthy table.
They licked their lips and ogled each other . . . then frantically scrambled onto the table and met in the middle, making out like sex-starved loth-wolves as squeaks of alarm came from their hectic audience. Kylo could only imagine how kriffing stupid he must look from their prospective, grabbing and kissing absolutely nothing on the table.
”That does it!” Allegiant General Pride shouted, standing in fury. “General Organa, if you’ll come with me, we’ll continue this elsewhere. I give up on these two!”
”Right behind you,” said Leia as she and everybody else made a speedy break for it.
Which brings us back to the fact that the Supreme Leader and his Jedi enemy, at this very moment, had their tongues down each other’s moaning throat.
”I think everybody left,” Rey sighed against Kylo’s lips.
”Mmm, their loss,” he cooed, grabbing her legs to wrap them around his waist.
She hummed in agreement and captured his tongue between her pink lips, pulling on it as he purred needily. He rewarded her by greedily humping his clothed fish stick against her grotto.
Throwing her weight, she rolled them sharply so she was on top. Thank kriff the table was so big, or that could have been a really stupid move. He sat up so she could whip off his cape and shirt. And when she licked his rocky nipples, he threw his head back and moaned.
“Ugh, that feels nice, sweetheart,” he praised.
With a quick bite on his skin, she tossed off her shirt as he glared at her, irked. Seriously? If he’d told her once, he’d told her a thousand times: Stop. Wearing. Breast. Bands!!
”That’s it!” he shouted, grabbing the band and yanking hard, ripping it in twain. “I’m so done with this thing.”
She laughed as he spun on top of her and sat on her stomach, making a ball out of her breast band and launching it at the wall. “Is the Supreme Leader a mad boi?” she taunted.
Staring at her nude chest, he grabbed a handful of squeezy knocker and gave it a firm honk. “You’re a bad, bad Jedi.”
Leaning down to slobber and kiss all over her tanned marshmallows, he worked his way down her body and yanked off her pants to expose the rest of her. Her lady cotton candy was sweet and waiting for a taste, and he was feeling munchy.
With a growl, he buried his face in her furry groundhog, digging his tongue into her burrow and rolling it all over. She moaned and shimmied against him, begging for more as he spat and suckled on her butter bean.
For extra sexy effect, he stuck a finger inside her and wiggled it like a brain worm, proud of himself when he finally found her inner bullseye. She rode his hand and mouth enthusiastically, making lots of racy noises as his cocksure ego preened in satisfaction.
He’d make her fly through the air like a severed Skywalker hand!
With a shout and a gush, she finally spritzed all over his lips as he swallowed as much of her frothy root beer as he could. “Ohhh, oh, Ben,” she sighed.
With the grace of a rancor in a china shop, he speedily kicked off his pants and underwear, then squatted over Rey’s face, his butternut squash pointing right at her mouth. “Reyyy, suck it, please,” he pleaded.
With a grin, she grabbed his waist with both hands and licked just the tip, making him wheeze. “Like that?” she asked sassily.
He huffed. “Nooo, take it in your mouth for me. Make my achy, breaky pee-pee feel all better.”
She pulled on his hips and opened her mouth wide to swallow his granddaddy long-leg deep. He panted a curse and worked his pelvis up and down, slamming down her throat over and over as she used a hand to cup his hard-boiled eggs.
”Yeah, swallow it good,” he said. “Feels goooood.”
Knowing he wouldn’t last long, he quickly pulled out and brushed his pet rocks against her lips, wanting her to show them some wet love, too. She kissed one of them, then suckled it as she massaged the other with her fingers. His mouth opened in an O as his throat made some sort of animal-ish growling noise.
To be extra naughty, she hummed, making his skin so tingly and vibratey he finally lost it. Grunting, he let loose as his overly happy waterspout squirted all over her breasts and stomach. “Yeah, yeah!” he gasped, yanking on himself and painting her with his peanut oil.
Turning to face her, he cupped her cheeks and mobbed her mouth with his waggy tongue. She dug her fingers in his hair and lifted her hips to brush her bat cave against his dripping stalactite, which was already re-hardening. Thanks to the awesome power in the Force’s tantrums, Kylo’s body could recharge lickety-split!
Rey rotated so she was back on top. “Now that you’ve had your fun, I’m in charge,” she said with a wink.
He chuckled and reflipped over her. “It sure looked like you had fun, too, when I ate you out a few minutes ago, you greedy scavenger.”
She whirled them again and pinned him down. “You just want everything your way, Dark boi.”
He broke from her grip and spun them yet again with a “Nice try, sweetHEAAAHHH!!”
They landed with a loud, hard thunk!, both groaning and grabbing their aching heads.
Oh . . . right. They’d been on a table, hadn’t they?
Probably should have paid a teeny bit more attention.
”Ow!” Rey spat irritably. “Kriff, that smarts, and I’m not even here in person.”
”Yeah, tell me about it,” Kylo grumbled as he wobbled to his feet. “Next time, no spinaroos.”
Rey agreed with an “Uh-huh” as Kylo helped her up. Licking his lips, he pulled her chest against his, loving the press of her hot-air balloons against his skin as his body re-aroused.
The fall had been a brief party-pooper, but the Force was right there to rev them back up again!
Which was why Rey pushed him away so his butt plopped on the table. He met her mouth happily when she attacked his lips with hers, licking as deep down her throat as he could until she broke away and hopped onto a chair.
”Put your feet right here,” she said, slapping the seat. “I wanna try something I saw in a holo-porno once.”
Whoa, awesome! Kylo was all for trying new positions.
Dropping his feet between Rey's feet on the seat, he planted his hands behind him on the table to support himself as she turned away from him. Grabbing the back of the chair, she squatted over his pogo stick, getting ready to bounce on it.
He groaned and lifted his hips as she lined herself up and carefully sank down, wrapping his pig in her blanket.
”Force, that’s a good Jedi,” he said, letting her adjust as she hit rock bottom. “I like the way you think, sweetheart.”
Throwing him a wink over her shoulder, she bounced and bounced, holding onto the chair’s back for leverage. Kylo thrust up vigorously, meeting her happy hops as his monty python plowed her holy grail.
”Ngh, Ben, you’re so deep like this,” Rey panted.
”You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” he said with a grin, supporting his weight with one hand as he used the other to grab her waist and pull her even harder down.
They both screamed as he hit an extra-swaggy place deep, deep inside her. Stone soup was simmering in his rocks, getting ready to boil all over her kitchen. Murmuring his name like a prayer, she slammed onto him with building energy, hitting that special spot repeatedly and milking his wound-up body until she soared and crashed, taking him with her as his walt jizney splashed her magic kingdom.
Heaving deep breaths as his body twitched and finally relaxed, he wrapped his arms around her and dropped onto his back, holding her as she rested on his chest. They were hushed for a moment, enjoying their post-boinking glow, when Rey suddenly froze.
”Ben?” she whispered. “Do you feel that?”
”Hmm?” He felt totally epic, but she sounded like she was talking about something else. “Feel what?”
”The Force,” she said, turning to face him. “Does it feel . . . different to you?”
He pursed his lips and gave the Force a poke. Uhhh, now that she mentioned it—
”Actually, yeah,” he said, stumped. “It feels—I don’t know—relieved, or something?”
”Right,” she agreed with a bemused nod. “What do you think it’s up to?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s—Wait!”
He closed his eyes and reached out, feeling something bizarre going on inside Rey. Focusing, he watched a cute little purple light pop up, separate from Rey’s blue Force Signature. Then another one poked its head out; then—
He gasped as a smile spread across his face. “R-Rey,” he whispered. “Can’t you feel them?”
Rey blinked, lost. But when it hit her, she squealed and shot to her feet, checking out her stomach. “Holy kriff,” she exclaimed. “Ben, we’re . . .”
Kylo hopped off the table and threw his arms around Rey, twirling her around in a happy dance. He’d totally never thought he’d have a family, much less with her. Yeah, he’d daydreamed about it about a gazillion times, but it always seemed like a pipe dream after their break up.
Rey laughed and wriggled out of his arms. “Ben, put me down,” she said. “We’ve gotta talk about this.”
Kylo grudgingly obliged, but gave her a quick smooch on her cheek. He could feel the way the Force was loosening up around them and patting itself on the back. “So this is what the Force was after,” he said as his brain connected the dots. “It just wanted us to have kids.”
Rey’s jaw dropped as her eyes bugged. “Wait, if that’s what the Force wanted all this time, that means all of this could’ve been avoided if we’d . . .”
”If we’d had sex in the throne room,” he said, finishing her thought.
Well, crap. Now his rule-the-galaxy-with-me proposal didn’t seem nearly as epic as he remembered. If he’d just kept his big mouth shut and kissed her brains out like he’d wanted, everything would have been totally fine.
Actually, on that note . . .
”Uh, Rey,” he began, scratching his chin, “how come it took us this long to get pregnant? We’ve, erm, done it, like, a lot.”
”Well,” she explained, “I got an implant on Jakku years ago, when I was twelve, just in case any junkers tried to do something stupid. But Leia made me take it out a couple of days ago.’
He raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
She shrugged. “She just said, and I quote, ‘Because I said so, that’s why.’”
Kylo chuckled and rolled his eyes. Yep, that sounded just like his mom all right: Give her a chance to finally get some grandkids and good luck stopping her.
“But we better not tell anybody yet,” Rey cautioned.
“Huh? Not tell anybody about what?” he asked, confused.
“About the babies. The Order and the Resistance are actually talking for once; the galaxy actually has a chance to get peace. But if they know the Force has de-horned us, they’ll go back to fighting.”
His first thought when she said that was Awesome! We can rule the galaxy together, but she took his hand and placed it on her flat stomach, giving him the saddest, cutest puppy-dog eyes ever.
”C’mon, Ben,” she mewled, poking out her bottom lip. “Don’t you think it would be a good idea to raise our kids in a peaceful galaxy, without all the big, bad fighting? Don’t you want our cute little family to be safe, not having to worry about wars and crap? We could settle down, raise our kids together, teach them the Force. What do you say? Pwease? Pwitty pweeaaase?”
He whimpered as she batted her pretty eyelashes at him.
*sigh* Well, when she put it like that . . . .
👶🍼👶🍼👶🍼👶🍼
When the quadruplets were born seven months later, Ben and Rey welcomed them with giddy joy. By then, some sort of treaty had been cooked up and signed, so the galaxy could at least pretend to be at peace for a while.
They ended up choosing the Falcon as their home. It was more than big enough for their family. And even better: it was the fastest ship in the galaxy, which meant they could freakin’ bolt if they ran into trouble.
And since the babies had both Skywalker and Solo DNA, plus whatever the heck came from Rey’s side of the family, that was pretty much guaranteed to happen.
Granny Leia was thrilled to have been totally right about the galactic need for her son to get laid, and she bragged about it to the former Resistance any time she wasn’t busy spoiling her grandbabies to death. And Chewie was right there to help her spoil them, making the biggest, furriest, cuddliest babysitter ever when Ben and Rey needed some alone time.
All in all, things were pretty dang great! Ben was surprised to see just how sweet life could be without the constant headache of trying to take over the galaxy, and Rey finally had a family who didn’t make her feel like nothing. But nobody was happier than the Force, now that its favorite family line—the Skywalker line—would continue, for better or worse, for Lighter or Darker, for smarter or stupider.
And just for good measure, Rey and Ben added their own write-in notes to the Jedi texts so future generations of Dyads would know not to break up and make the Force mad!
The end.