Chapter Text
We still have a long way tomorrow
The grayish sky will fall asleep
I can see your reflection as you take a sigh
The moon shines behind the worn shadow
It seeps into your darkness
I just wanna see you shining
On The Way, NCT Dream
As the oldest member in the entire NCT, Taeil knew he had many shortcomings. He knew he should have taken a more proactive role in taking care of the members, making sure they were okay. But instead, he busied himself trying to prove to the world that he, too, belonged to NCT.
He had spent countless hours, days, and nights honing his skills, perfecting his vocals, and mastering his stage presence, all in an effort to validate his place within the group. However, in doing so, he often overlooked his greatest (and most important) role in the group: being the oldest member. To be honest, Taeyong and even Kun were doing a great job fulfilling the role of the leaders.
As much as possible, Taeyong had been trying to check up on the entire group at least seven times a week. Whether the members were in Beijing, Bangkok, Los Angeles, Chicago, Canada, or even just in their respective provinces in South Korea, Taeyong always wanted to know how they were doing. Were they eating okay? Did their bodies hurt from too much practice? Did they already ice it?
And Taeil had to admit that he couldn’t do that. He just wasn’t the type to go out of his way to make sure everyone was okay. As long as the members still responded in their chat rooms, then that was already the best sign for the main vocalist that they were alive. Funny, yeah?
So, when Donghyuck began distancing himself from the members of 127 and even Dream, Taeil shrugged it off as something similar to puberty. Hey, it was fair! Donghyuck was a growing boy who was more often than not tired to his bones. But that didn’t mean something was wrong with him, right? Wrong. Taeil was wrong from the very beginning.
Seeing the unexpected outburst of 127's youngest member in that hospital room made something click in his brain. How could he have missed the clues? Taeil was usually a keen observer, but he had somehow disregarded all of the clues that their mischievous chocoball was indeed... having a hard time.
Taeil was trying his best to compose a short verse on his phone inside his room when the bedroom door opened. The main vocalist glanced up briefly, acknowledging Donghyuck's presence with a distracted nod before returning his focus to the screen. The melody in his mind was elusive, slipping away with each attempt to capture it in words.
Donghyuck hesitated in the doorway, unsure of whether to interrupt Taeil or not. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, chewing on his bottom lip as he debated whether to voice the thoughts that had been weighing on his mind for days. Eventually, he took a tentative step forward, clearing his throat softly to draw Taeil's attention.
"Taeil hyung, can I talk to you for a moment?" Donghyuck's voice was barely above a whisper, hesitant and uncertain. He shuffled closer, hoping to catch Taeil's eye, but the older member remained engrossed in his task, his brow furrowed in concentration.
Taeil glanced up briefly, offering Donghyuck a fleeting smile before returning his gaze to his phone. "Sure, Donghyuckie. Just give me a moment, yeah? I'm in the middle of something," he replied absentmindedly, his fingers tapping out a rhythm on the screen. He tried to go back to what he was doing when he felt someone sat down beside him.
"Hyung, please listen. It's just... I've been feeling a bit... off lately," Donghyuck began, his usual loud voice faltering slightly. "I don't know if it's just me being paranoid, but it feels like... like maybe I've been too clingy or annoying or something. And I'm sorry if I've been a bother to anyone, especially the hyungs. I just... I just want to make sure everything's okay between us."
Taeil sighed inwardly, his focus still fixed on his phone screen as Donghyuck's words washed over him. He could sense the younger member's apprehension, the uncertainty laced in every syllable, but his mind was preoccupied with the task at hand. With a distracted nod, he offered a half-hearted reassurance, hoping to placate Donghyuck's concerns without fully engaging in the conversation.
"Hey, it's okay, kid. You're not a bother," Taeil replied, his voice tinged with mild impatience as he continued to tap away on his phone. "I can’t say I completely understand you. But trust me, you're an important part of this group, and we value you just as much as anyone else."
Reflecting on that moment now, Taeil couldn't help but feel a wave of regret wash over him. Donghyuck had been right there, vulnerable and reaching out for support, but he had brushed him off without a second thought. It was like he had failed to see the younger member's distress, too caught up in his own world to lend a listening ear.
As he replayed the scene in his mind, Taeil's heart sank with the realization of his own stupidity. The youngest member of 127 had mustered the courage to confide in him, to share his inner turmoil, and Taeil had failed to offer the comfort and reassurance he so desperately needed. Instead, he had dismissed Donghyuck's concerns with a careless nod, too preoccupied with his own tasks to give him the attention he deserved.
The memory of Donghyuck's crestfallen face stayed with Taeil, even days after they left the hospital room. It clouded his thoughts like a dark shadow, and he couldn't rid himself of the guilt and remorse that continuously ate at him. It served as a constant reminder of the pain he had unintentionally caused his younger teammate. The lively, energetic Donghyuck they once knew now seemed like a distant memory, replaced by a mere shell of his former self. It was a stark contrast to the cheerful member they had grown accustomed to.
"Taeil hyung, you’ve been staring at that cup for a while now,” Yuta remarked, his voice pulling Taeil out of his reverie. Startled, he blinked, realizing that he had been lost in thought for longer than he realized. He offered the Japanese member a weak smile, attempting to mask the turmoil churning within him.
“Sorry. I guess I got lost in my own thoughts,” he replied, setting the cup down on the table with a sigh. He could feel Yuta's concerned gaze on him, and he couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for burdening his friend with his troubles.
Yuta leaned in closer, his expression filled with genuine concern. “Is everything okay, hyung? You seem... distracted,” he asked. Taeil hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to articulate the jumble of emotions swirling within him.
“It’s just...” Taeil began, his voice trailing off as he struggled to find the right words. He glanced down at his hands, unsure of how to express the turmoil he was feeling. Finally, he looked up, meeting Yuta's concerned gaze with a heavy heart.
“I can’t stop thinking about Donghyuckie,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “I keep replaying that hospital visit in my mind, and I can’t shake the feeling that I let him down when he needed me most.”
“Oh, hyung, you don’t have to hide it,” Yuta said. “We all do. Everything’s just not the same after that, isn’t it? We’re planning to visit him later after Taeyong and Johnny arrive from practice. You want to come with us? You don’t have to, but I feel like that’s the only way you can feel better…”
Taeil took a deep breath. “I want to. I really do. I just... I feel like I let him down. Donghyuck was right there, trying to reach out, and I was too busy to notice. What if he doesn't want to see me?”
Despite failing to see the big picture of what was happening, Taeil finally realized that he had actually noticed the small details. He just didn’t say anything in fear of ruining the balance. He was always there after all. He noticed when Donghyuck first avoided hanging out with the 127 members. He was there when Donghyuck began declining eating out with the Dreamies. And he just watched when Donghyuck first introduced himself as the newest WayV member on TV.
Taeil remembered those moments vividly. He saw Donghyuck pulling away, bit by bit. He saw him skip meals and turn down invitations. He saw the way their maknae forced a smile when he was on screen with WayV, pretending everything was fine. But Taeil just stood there and watched because he was not as brave as Taeyong. He was not as smart as Doyoung. He was not as level-headed as Johnny. He was not as fast-thinking as Yuta. He was not as fearless as Jaehyun. He was not as sympathetic as Jungwoo. And of course, he was not as courageous as Mark.
“Who will be there again? Is Mark coming?” Taeil asked, sipping the last drop of black coffee in his mug.
"No. Mark's been... distant lately. After his solo visit to Donghyuck, he's been out of it. Taeyong told him to take a few days off," Yuta replied, his voice soft with concern. “I’m pretty sure they fought or that their talk didn’t end well. He’s been taking it really hard.”
Donghyuck lay in his hospital bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, the soft hum of medical equipment his only companion. He sighed, lost in thought, when the door creaked open. He turned his head to see Yangyang, his usual playful demeanor replaced by a worried frown.
“Yangyang Liu! You came,” he said, a faint smile tugging at his lips. “Finally!”
“Yeah, of course, I did,” his best friend replied, pulling up a chair beside Donghyuck’s bed. He hesitated for a moment before asking, “Did something happen between you and Mark hyung?”
“Is that really the first question you will ask me?” he responded, a hint of playfulness in his voice. He tried to mask his emotions with a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Where’s your ‘I miss you, Donghyuckie?’”
Yangyang chuckled mischievously, “Of course I miss you, Donghyuckie. We all do. But you know me — I like to get straight to the point, especially when it comes to my bestie.”
He sighed, the playful façade slipping. “Yeah, I know. I just… I don’t know, Yang. Mark hyung and I had a really intense conversation last time he was here. I guess it stirred up a lot of emotions for both of us.”
“What did you guys talk about? He's been behaving super off lately, and even Taeyong hyung pointed it out,” Yangyang explained, leaning forward. “And he started acting like that after he visited you alone.”
“What do you mean by behaving super off?”
“Like a kicked puppy with bipolar and anger management issues. He’s been confusing the members, and the Dreamies don’t know what to do anymore.”
Donghyuck’s heart sank. He hadn’t realized the impact his struggles were having on Mark. “I didn’t mean to... I didn’t know he was taking it that hard,” he said quietly, guilt seeping into his voice. “We talked about everything — my struggles, his worries, the group… I blamed myself for a lot of things. And Mark… he was just so overwhelmed, and I kinda lashed out on him. This is all my fault.”
His mind was a jumble of chaotic thoughts. He recalled the worried expression on Mark's face and how Mark tried to remain strong for him, despite his own concerns. Mark had consistently been there, a stable presence amidst the chaos of their busy lives. However, Donghyuck had pushed him away, burdening him with his own insecurities and fears. The weight of this realization bore down on him, making it difficult to catch his breath.
Why did I have to lash out at him? Why couldn’t I just keep it together? He berated himself silently. He felt like he had failed as a friend, as a teammate. Mark had always been so understanding, so supportive, and he had repaid that kindness with anger and frustration. The image of his hyung’s pained expression haunted him, a constant reminder of his own shortcomings.
“Hey! It’s not your fault, Hyuck,” Yangyang said gently. “Mark hyung’s always been sensitive when it comes to you. He cares a lot. But it’s been tough for everyone, seeing you both like this.”
“You don’t understand, Yang… Mark hyung… it’s just different…” he trailed off, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Why is it different when it comes to him, Hyuckie?” Yangyang pressed gently, his eyes searching Donghyuck's face for answers.
Donghyuck’s heart raced, and he felt that familiar flare of panic in his chest. He tried to steady his breathing, but the words he wanted to say seemed stuck in his throat. How could he explain the confusion and intensity of his feelings for Mark? How could he admit something he barely understood himself?
It was stupid… he thought, his mind reeling. How could he have let things get this far without confronting his own emotions? He had always prided himself on being the cheerful, easygoing member, but underneath that facade, there was a storm of feelings he hadn’t been brave enough to face. Loving Mark wasn’t just scary; it was paralyzing. The fear of rejection, of losing the friendship they had, was almost too much to bear.
“It’s just… complicated, I guess,” he finally said, his voice trembling. “Mark hyung has always been there for me, you know? Even with all the shitty things that had happened. He’s like my rock. But I know from the very start that it’s been more than that. Every time I see him, it’s like… I don’t know, like my heart can’t decide if it wants to burst with happiness or break from the weight of everything I feel.”
His best friend listened intently, his expression softening with understanding. “Hyuckie, it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to be confused. But you don’t have to go through it alone. You can talk to me.”
He shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes. “I can’t, Yang. If I say it out loud, it becomes real. And if it’s real, then… then I have to deal with it. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I’m ready to face what it means.”
Yangyang reached out, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to face it all at once, you stupid thing. Just take it one step at a time. But bottling it up inside isn’t going to make it go away. It’s only going to make it harder for you.”
“I just… I want to keep it in my head, where it’s safe. Where it can’t hurt me or anyone else. What if Mark hyung doesn’t feel the same way? What if I ruin everything between us?” Donghyuck bit his lip, trying to hold back the sobs threatening to escape.
It’s already ruined, Lee Donghyuck. You ruined it when you left South Korea to go to Beijing.
“You won’t ruin anything, Hyuck. Mark hyung cares about you deeply. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together. But you owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings, even if it’s just with me for now.”
Donghyuck took a shaky breath, his defenses slowly crumbling. “I’ve never felt this way before, Yang. It’s scary. It’s like my entire world is wrapped up in him and these thoughts in my head, and I don’t know how to separate myself from that. What if it’s just me being clingy and needy again?”
“It’s not about being clingy or needy. It’s about your heart telling you something important. Ignoring it won’t make it any less real. And you deserve to feel love and be loved in return. If it will make you feel better. Shout it out to the world.”
His breath hitched as the weight of his emotions pressed down on him. Shout it out to the world? “Fine. I love Mark Hyung! I love him so much that it hurts me just thinking about it." He said in a much louder voice, the confession tearing through him like a storm.
Suddenly, the door creaked open, revealing… drum roll please … Mark! Of course it had to be Mark standing there with wide eyes. “Wait! You love me? What?” he asked, his voice tinged with surprise and something else Donghyuck couldn’t quite place. Behind him, Doyoung, Yuta, Taeil, Johnny, and Taeyong stood awkwardly, clearly having overheard the entire exchange.
“Hey, guys! Taeyong hyung, Doyoung hyung, Yuta hyung, Taeil hyung, Johnny hyung, and… Mark hyung,” Yangyang sheepishly greeted the newcomers. If the situation was different, Donghyuck would have already hit his best friend in the head.
Suddenly, Mark cleared his throat before walking away from the door. Not once did his eyes meet Donghyuck’s. His heart dropped as he couldn’t help but look at where the other was standing a few seconds ago.
Doyoung cleared his throat, looking between Donghyuck and Yangyang. “Uhh… yeah. we’ll follow Mark for now. We can visit some other time,” he said, motioning for the others to follow. “Yangyang, you got him?”
Yangyang nodded, giving the older members a reassuring look. “Yeah, I got him. Thanks for coming.” As they left, he turned back to Donghyuck. “Just face it, Hyuckie. You can’t run away from your feelings forever. Tell him.”
“I messed up. Fuck! I really messed up.” Donghyuck’s eyes darted around the room, panic setting in. “What now? He doesn’t even feel the same way. What should I do? I would get hurt and…”
“Who cares, Hyuck? You are already hurt. And I’m sure Mark feels the same way. You shouldn’t trust the eyes that are too blinded by pain, you know?” Yangyang’s gaze was firm but kind. “Instead, trust mine. I see things that you don’t. I noticed things when you couldn’t. Just try, Hyuck. And if in the end, it doesn’t work then at least you know that you had given yourself and him a chance.”
Donghyuck’s hands trembled as he tried to steady his breathing. “I’m scared, Yang…”
“We all are.” Yangyang’s grip on his shoulder tightened once again. “I am scared for you and your health, and the others are scared for several reasons too. Do it scared. And if things really don’t work out, I am still here, you know? WayV is here for you. I wouldn’t leave my best friend hurt and struggling. Over my dead body.”