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1/20/2025: Hi!!! This is coolsoup107, here. x-)
Rant:
To justify my absence a little, the first hiatus I had, was when my grandfather died. A little after that, I had fallen into depression during my first semester in college, where I experienced a long brain fog......
I've always heard of them, but I never expected them to be so harsh! I sincerely hope that anyone experiencing a brain fog now, will strongly endure, and go outside frequently.
Going on personal walks, beyond my job and study, made me realize that... I want to look pretty. And that helped me motivate myself to groom myself and buy more accessories I actually use, because I want
to be a pretty person.
It sounds selfish, and self-absorbed, right? But it helped me so much! So don't undermine little things, please.
In the beginning of my static and depressing mind fog, It was hard to look at my body. I believed it wouldn't become a big deal. Yet, within weeks, I felt like it was more comfortable to look away and hide under layers of clothes.
I adored my body, but at the same time, I felt unworthy to clean myself. It sounds odd.... I hope it makes sense to someone. :,-)
To prevent major issues, I spent a few months only wiping myself down with a damp towel and water bucket > my own hands, and after that I found myself continue to be lacking over and over.
My father experienced an intense depression and had discussed with me that he wished to die, with all his children being failures. His life goal was to produce a star, whereas, none of my siblings nor
myself have the spark he desired strongly. He still feels this way, but less strongly.
I have two younger sisters. My old parents cannot care for them, so I have cared for them when I could, but I can't compare at all to parents' nurturing love. I didn't notice before, but that's actually
a stressful situation! I was like a hiker, but with invisible luggage I didn't even know I HAD.
After that, I silently questioned myself for a long time. What did I do? I don't think many parents jump quickly to tell their daughter, "Every day makes me want to off myself.". I wondered, what was accumulating to make him
feel this way? What did I do? How can I stop this? But then I couldn't do it anymore, because I kept remembering those eyes he had, when he saw just what kind of child I am. A lame daughter that wants to live simply.
So I just stopped thinking.
In no way am I a stable person. Before, that made me ashamed. From the start, I've just been seeking ways to feel calm, but the recoil is... Usually less than pleasant. It's like if you tape a shattered vase together,
and it just keeps breaking, over and over. It just kept getting worse.
My dad is a weird person, I never know what he wants. He wanted a 'manly' daughter. He idealized a daughter who is strong, and can be independent, righteous. A daughter who will care for her parents and play along,
but also, be her own self and gain the respect of peers. But then, he suddenly wants a sly daughter, that does whatever she can to eventually achieve the desired results.
This itself was a dangerous oversimplification, but it kept getting more confusing. He wants me to only befriend kids 4 years older, no boys, no games, no horseplay. And then, he just kept berating me for not knowing
how to get along with others.
Basically, I was very overwhelmed.
Mid last year, I got a pet bunny. Within a week, it had died because it was only four weeks old: Because my older sister(19yr) had dropped it on the wood floors while me and the rest of my family was out to the park.
At first, I was furious. However....
It doesn't make sense to blame anyone at this point. I've let my feelings bubble, now, I'll wait for my feelings to settle.
I didn't expect to become so distraught. I cried apologies every night over a bunny I had for only a week, I still do. It is really lame for something like this, but failing a living being is a heavy feeling
I didn't expect to hurt so badly from. My father tried to sympathize, but it felt backhanded, since he never failed to mention I was at fault. He never elaborates, but he hits me if I ask.
In many ways, I really was not enough. That's what he both wanted and didn't want for me to think.
Really confusing, right?
All together, I feel lame that I haven't gained any positive outputs during my hiatus. It's really disappointing, when I left with high hopes.
But as of now, I am determined not to fail any longer.
Conclusion:
Catslucy no longer co-authors with me, as they have likely switched accounts, or left ao3. Like before, I will be continuing this ff on my own, I hope my writing alone can be satisfactory for my old and new readers!
I apologize for the long rant. Thank you for your continued patience, and I will be returning to this fic very shortly. I apologize for my unannounced hiatus, and I sincerely hope to gain your forgiveness.
As of now; Many chapters may be edited frequently, but not drastically!!! Mostly to smoothen out the rough patches I failed to correct before. So, if you're reluctant to re-read, please don't feel obligated. The content will
majorly remain the same. :-)
Whenever I receive comments, I feel warm seeing all the familiar usernames, that have continuously commented. Even when my writing was sloppier, or better than usual.
I know it must've felt like a chore, reading subpar literature, maybe just out of sentiment and good-heartedness. No matter what, I'm very, very thankful.
Thank you all for giving my work a chance.
It's nice to know there's people that still drop in to read.
It might not be what a writer's heart should be, but I feel more encouraged to post this cute fanfiction I made a long time ago when I see users who want to see more.
Even if the ending may not be up to standard, or up to expectations, I plan to push and finish this fanfiction once and for all; With an ending I can sleep comfortably with.
Thank you so much for all the motivation, and you can expect a new chapter on Monday. :-)