Chapter Text
Regulus
“Oh, that doesn’t look very healthy…” giggled a high-pitched voice from above. “Should I be expecting a new ghostly companion?”
Regulus ignored her. Kicking his feet in the water. Not caring about his soaked pants. Just glaring through teary eyes, as blood dripped out his wrist and stained the bathwater red. Myrtle hadn’t been here when he started, and he was really hoping she’d leave soon. Her comments were becoming a little too tempting.
He didn’t want to die. He was too much of a coward for that. But he was also too much of a coward to leave the prefect bathroom and face the rest of the school right now. So, he was walking a fine line.
“Poor little Regulus Black…” Myrtle sang. Regulus was inclined to agree.
Poor little Regulus Black… who was crying and cutting himself like a crazy person. Poor little Regulus Black… who was already as good as dead. Poor little Regulus Black… who was as unstable as an Azkaban prisoner. Poor little Regulus Black… who was going to spend the rest of his life under the imperious curse.
Or I could just slit my wrists and bleed out in the bath…
Regulus pictured the scene. How he’d slash his arms and float in the water. Slowly blacking out until he went under and drowned. No one would be able to stop him…
Except for the fact that I’m too weak for even the weak way out…
Regulus bit hips lip, sucking down sharp, shallow breaths as a lifted his scalpel and made another cut. Taking his time as the blade broke the skin. Slowly tearing it through his wrist, making sure to feel every thread of flesh snap, as he ripped himself apart.
Drip, drip, drip
Blood drops make pretty patterns in water…
Drip, drip, drip
Beautiful, swirling red rings…
Drip, drip, drip
More would be prettier…
It’s not fair…
Regulus let out a choked sob, shaking as he watched himself bleed.
“I-It’s not f-fair…” Regulus cried out, as he held his bloody wrist to his chest and shivered. Taking full advantage of the silencing charms in this room.
Why did he have to live this way? Why did he have to be miserable? Sirius got to be a Gryffindor, with friends and a new family. He got to be happy, with a boyfriend and no pressure to do anything he didn’t want to do. Regulus had to be a Slytherin, with no friends and the same old shitty family. He had to be sad, with no one for comfort and every pressure on his shoulders imaginable.
And now… Sirius had ruined the last thing he had. His last way to cope. The last thing tethering him to life.
Regulus had no doubt that James probed Sirius for more information. And he had even less doubts that Sirius had given James a detailed description of what was on his arms. His five-year-old brother might not have put the pieces together, but sixteen-year-old James would manage just fine.
I’m so fucked…
The image made him sick to his stomach. James realising what Sirius was describing. Him starting to laugh and telling little Sirius about how stupid and crazy his brother is. Telling Remus, and Peter. The four of them cackling with amusement together, until they decided to make his secret the freshest school rumour.
Mum and dad are going to be so mad…
Not because they loved him. Merlin. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a hug from his mother. No, they’d be furious he was daring to spill his precious pure blood. They’d be angry that Regulus had let his nasty secret becoming public knowledge.
“You have disgraced our noble house!”
“You’re more of an embarrassment than your brother!”
He could hear them screaming already. His mothers screeching shrieks and his father’s booming shouts. They’d been taunting him ever since Sirius caught him, but up until now he’d tuned them out. He wished he could still tune them out…
“Nothing but an attention seeking brat!”
“I hope you enjoy the cruciatus just as much…”
Regulus buried his face in his hands and continued to cry loudly. Tasting the salty tears and feeling them roll down his cheeks.
“Oh, you’re such a miserable little thing…” Myrtle cooed, and Regulus cracked a bitter smile.
Being called miserable by the moaning myrtle had to be some kind of accomplishment, right?
She had a point though… non-miserable people didn’t stab knives through their wrists.
It’s a shame I’m not miserable enough to go the full way…
He wished he was.
Regulus placed his blade down on the floor beside him, then began clawing at his wounds. Digging his nails into the flesh and ripping it out from under the skin. It hurt. So, he did it again. And again. And again. And again. Like he was digging out the rotten parts of himself, in a last-ditch attempt to make himself clean.
But all of him was rotten… how was he supposed to fix that? He was a horrible brother that never bothered to return the protection Sirius gave him as a child. He was a horrible son that couldn’t live up to what his parents needed. Regulus Black was a broken, sorry excuse for life that would get pulled out of school and imperioed into nothing more than a breeding mutt any day now.
He would never graduate. He would never make friends. He would never fall in love. He would never get to live.
Myrtle had it wrong. He wasn’t about to become a ghost; he already was one.
Regulus had run here straight after the library incident. He was skipping class, he didn’t care. No one seemed to care he was gone anyway, no one had bothered looking for him. He supposed people could have tried opening the bathroom entrance, but its not like they’d know he was in here, just that it was occupied.
Probably a blessing…
He didn’t want to be found. Especially not now that everyone probably knew what was under his sleeves. He would have preferred his hidden room without Myrtle, but his brother’s friends knew where that was. And he really wasn’t in the mood to be made fun of by them. Especially them…
Was it pathetic that he’d sort of started enjoying their company in the last few days?
Sirius and his gang of friends had never been cruel to Regulus. He’d been caught up in their pranks several times, but nothing harmful. They mostly just ignored him. Which to be fair, he did in return. Sirius became a Gryffindor who loudly rebelled against their family, encouraged and protected by his friends. Regulus became a Slytherin that fell into line to avoid all the punishments he had no one to save him from.
He’d always been annoyed at Sirius, perhaps a little jealous he got out. But after spending the last few days with child Sirius? He just felt sad…
It was no wonder Sirius latched onto James the way he did. It was no wonder he leaped at the first chance of escape.
It’s no wonder he thinks I’m just like our family given how I behave…
Sirius had spent his entire life fighting, and all he’d seen Regulus do was surrender.
It makes sense why he hates me so much…
Technically, Regulus didn’t know for sure if Sirius hated him. But he was convinced it was true… which meant by extension their whole group hated him. The last few days had just been a novelty. A reluctant curtesy given because little Sirius wanted him around.
That was all it was, and that was all it would ever be. He was delusional for ever hoping otherwise.
Regulus sighed and dropped his hands into his lap.
“Does that mean the shows over?” Myrtle moaned.
Regulus ignored her and flopped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, tracing the patterns with teary eyes. The colours and cracks. The lines and shapes. Letting blood stain his shirt without any regard for how this would look for The Most Ancient and Noble House of Black.
What sort of girl will agree to marry me now…
Someone would. Everyone knew their family was crazy. Regulus was just another chip off the old block. He had no doubt his parents would find at least one girl from the sacred twenty-eight willing to help carry on the Black line.
She won’t be James…
Regulus groaned.
“I do not like Potter,” he muttered as heat rushed into his cheeks. He couldn’t like him.
James was Sirius’ best friend and was probably up in his dorm laughing about how hilariously insane Regulus was. Sirius was likely back to normal by now too, laughing with him. Slughorn was just putting the final touches on the antidote when he finished class.
The thought made his throat squeeze painfully.
He’d enjoyed having Sirius love him again… he already missed him…
Regulus snapped his eyes shut before any tears could escape.
Don’t get him wrong, Regulus was very happy to be off the babysitting hook. Playing older brother had been a strange and stressful experience, but even as a child, Sirius made him feel safe. He really wished his big brother could keep being his big brother…
“It’s okay, Reggie,” Sirius whispered as Regulus climbed onto the bed. Still trembling after the beating he’d gotten after lessons. He was having a really hard time with his spelling and Walburga Black was not known for her patience.
“It hurts,” Regulus cried quietly, curling up to his big brother. Sirius leaned into the hug, holding him firmly and rubbing his back.
“I know,” Sirius said. “It’ll be alright once you sleep.”
Regulus shuddered at the thought of sleep. His nightmares were getting worse, and he knew tonight would be bad. It always was in the aftermath of punishments. He inhaled shakily, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his back. The shooting pains running up and down his spine.
“I’m so stupid…” he whimpered as new tears rolled down his face. “I can’t learn like you can…”
“You aren’t stupid, Reg,” Sirius hushed him. “When I was six, I could barely read a few sentences. Let alone write ones the way you do.”
“But mum said that you-”
“Mum is a liar,” Sirius snapped over him. “You’re a genius, Reggie. My little genius.”
“I’m not little,” Regulus mumbled, causing Sirius to chuckle and ruffle his hair.
“You’re always going to be little to me, I’m your big brother. Its my job to protect you.”
Regulus curled further into Sirius, hugging him back more tightly as his throat squeezed and eyes stung. He was still in so much pain. His mum had caused him so much pain… he was trying so hard to impress her but nothing he did made her happy. She just got angrier and angrier no matter what he did.
He didn’t understand what he was doing wrong.
“I don’t think mum loves me,” Regulus sniffled, and immediately Sirius tightened his embrace.
“Mum is a bully,” Sirius murmured. “Who cares what she thinks, I love you and I always will, no matter what.”
“Pinky promise?”
“I pinky promise.”
Regulus yawned as he scratched his arm against his chest. The shirts fabric digging at his cuts as it was coloured red.
“You broke your promise…” he muttered under his breath, tired from all his panic. Perhaps he should just fall asleep? It’s not like he was in any danger, he hadn’t made that many cuts. He didn’t have to guts to.
A nap can’t hurt…
Regulus was sick of being awake.
Myrtle made no further snarky comments as Regulus relaxed his muscles. Letting his arms and legs go limp and willing his mind to drift away. His head spiralling into a dizzy slumber as consciousness ran out of reach. The throb in his arm throbbing into nothing. The lead weight on his chest turning to feathers.
He was going… going… gone…
---
Sirius
Sirius had no idea what was happening, but it was starting to scare him.
He was clinging to James’ back, arms tightly around his neck as they raced through the castle halls. Dodging teachers and weaving through students, heading toward the Gryffindor tower.
James was freaking out. Happy, smiley James that always seemed positive, was freaking out. Part of Sirius was worried it was his fault, after all, he had told James about the mean boy. But that couldn’t be it… right? James was a brave Gryffindor. Why would he get upset about a silly bully?
“Almost there,” James huffed as he finished climbing a staircase. Sprinting so fast Sirius felt like they were flying.
“Oooh Mister Potter and little Mister Bla-”
“Ringtail Possum!” James interrupted before The Fat Lady could finish her greeting. She huffed and grumbled but swung open the entrance and James ran inside.
Sirius heard a few people greet them, but to his surprise (and concern) James completely ignored them. Wordlessly dashing through the common room and upstairs to the dorm.
“Jump off Padfo- Sirius,” James muttered the moment the door was banged shut and Sirius quickly let go, sliding down to the floor to his own two feet. He was barely there a second before James was off again, tearing through every bit of clutter in sight. Clothes, books, parchment, blankets. All of it violently tossed over his shoulder.
Wide eyed and shaking slightly, Sirius kept his distance. Anxiously scratching his arm as James seemed to get more and more frustrated. Grunting and cursing as he couldn’t find whatever it was he was looking for.
“Merlin, why the fuck did we make it accio resistant!” James shouted as he slammed some drawers shut. The whole chest quaking as the loud BANG echoed through the room.
Sirius took a nervous step backwards, pressing his back against the wall. His little heart racing, thumping almost painfully in his chest. He’d never seen James angry before… He didn’t like it.
Is it my fault? Did I do this?
Sirius blinked back the sting in his eyes as watched. Part of Sirius wanted to run out the door and go look for his brother, make sure Reggie was alright. But he was too afraid to move right now. What if James turned his anger on him? What if James cursed him? Or hit him?
“Where the fuck is it!?” James growled and Sirius’ knees grew weak. He closed his eyes. Waiting for it. James had been kind, but angry adults were never safe. It was only a matter of time before he took it out on Sirius. He braced himself. Holding his breath. Preparing for-
“James!”
There was a loud bang as the dorm door opened, and Sirius snapped open his eyes. Relief flooded through him. He recognised the two figures crowding the doorway. Remus holding a glass bottle and Peter holding a map. He was safe…
“What are you doing up here?”
“Why is Regulus in the prefect’s bathroom?”
Sirius ignored their voices, and he bolted toward Remus, running into his legs and pressing his face into his robes. Hugging him as tears began streaming down his face.
“R-Rem-mus,” he wailed as the taller boy immediately crouched over him, wrapping him up in a hug.
“So you have the map- wait fuck did you say the prefects bathroom?”
The adults started talking louder and faster as Sirius held onto Remus. Shivering as he felt the tension in the room growing. Remus didn’t let go though, hugging him tighter and tighter even when people started shouting.
I’m okay, he told himself. Remus has me. Remus will save me.
“Do it here, I’m going to find him!”
There was another loud BANG as the dorm door was thrown open and slammed shut. Sirius jumped at the sound but relaxed when he realised Remus was talking. Saying nice words and lifting him up into the air.
“I promise its safe,” he said calmly as Sirius buried his face in his neck, gently rubbing his back and scratching his head. “You’re not in any danger. I’ve got you.”
“J-Ja-ames w-was m-mad…” Sirius whimpered, sucking down a painful, burning breath. He was so confused. And afraid. And he wanted his brother and he wanted to sleep and… and… and… “I-I’m s-scar-ed…”
He never said words like that aloud. It was not right for a boy his age to get scared, let alone tell people that. But he was. He was so scared. Regulus was away, probably getting hurt by the mean boy. James was angry. He nearly got hit. He was tired. It was too much, and he needed it all to stop.
“Oh… Sirius…” Remus sighed, his voice croaky and sad. “I’m never gonna let anything bad happen to you again.”
Sirius sobbed in response. His throat sore like it was lacero cursed. But he believed Remus. He believed that Remus would protect him and keep him safe from all the angry people in the world. That he would hug him and hold him until it was all better.
Then Remus said the best news he’d heard all day.
“Peter and I have the potion,” he breathed nervously. “If you’re ready to be normal again.”
Sirius nodded. He nodded as fast as he could. He wanted it. He wanted anything that could make all this awful pain go away. He didn’t want to feel this way. He wanted to be grown up and happy.
“Y-Ye-es…” he stammered between cries. “I-I wa-ant to be b-big.”
“Alright then,” Remus replied, sitting Sirius down on the bed. Sirius clung onto him. He didn’t want to let go. Why couldn’t Remus just sit with him? “You’ve gotta to lie down Sirius, we have got to fix your clothes.”
Sirius reluctantly released Remus, flopping down to the bed as his vision became practically white with tears. He curled up in a ball, wrapping his arms around himself as Remus said what must have been an incantation. He felt his clothes get really big and loose, before someone was holding the edge of a bottle to his lips.
“It’ll be all over soon,” Remus whispered, and Sirius swallowed. It tasted like grass, but he drank it anyway. Swallowing as much as he could before he couldn’t move, and his brain stopped. His world crashing to a black end…
---
The first thing Sirius noticed, was the horrible aching pains in every bone in his body. Like he’d drank a gallon of skelegrow before bed. The second thing Sirius noticed; was the fact he wasn’t alone in his bed. A warm lanky figure cuddled up beside him. Not unusual, Moony often slept with him.
But when memories started piercing through Sirius’ sleepy haze, he shot upright so fast his head spun.
“Shit, Sirius! Slow down! You need to take it easy-”
“No,” he spat, swinging his legs over the edge of his bed even while his vision was nothing but stars. “I have to find Regulus he… he…”
He’s a danger to himself…
The image of those cuts was seared into his mind like a branding burned directly onto his brain. The memories felt confusing, like they happened both yesterday and years ago, but that didn’t matter right now. He could deal with all that later. He needed to find his little brother and make sure he was okay…
Fuck… my little brother is…
“Sirius?! Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
Sirius shook his head. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t even say the words in his head. All he could see was red lines up his brother’s wrist. Blood seeping out of the wounds he’d clearly created himself. There was no mean boy. He was the mean boy being mean to himself.
“I need to… Reggie… where’s Reggie?”
His vision was starting to clear up, and he could see Remus in front of him. Feel his hands on waist, helping him balance.
“James went after him. Said he was upset. Why? What’s going on?”
Sirius relaxed, just enough to take a breath. He trusted James, but that wasn’t enough to calm him down.
“Reggie needs help,” he said breathlessly, trying to step toward the door. But Remus held him firmly, a good thing too, his knees buckled, and Remus had to keep him up.
“Sirius, you need to sit down. Your body isn’t done healing yet. Tell me what’s wrong and I can try help you.”
Sirius bit his lip as Remus pulled him back down to the bed, sitting down beside him and hugging him. It was so nice. Too nice. It felt like it had been years since he’d seen Remus. But in the same breath, it felt like it had been years since he saw his brother. His struggling brother that needed him…
“Regulus is…” he tried, his voicy patchy and weak. “He’s not… he…” Sirius shook his head and leaned into Remus. Breathing in the familiar scent of his old worn-out jumper. The scent of old books that always followed him around.
“Take it slow. It’s alright.”
Sirius shook his head. It wasn’t alright. Nothing about this was alright.
“Regulus… he isn’t happy… he…” Fuck… Sirius sucked down another tortured breath, trying to collect himself before he spoke. “He’s really, really sad Moony…”
His voice broke.
---
Regulus
Regulus had prepared himself to get woken up. Perhaps a teacher would hear the rumours and figure they should send a search party for a potentially dead body.
He’d gotten himself ready to hear the grumbled and whining about what an idiot he was. About how selfish he was acting. All the horrible names he deserved to get called as they shipped him off to the hospital wing and drugged him up.
He had not expected shouts of concern and screaming.
“Regulus!? REG!?”
Regulus groaned, rolling over and sitting up. Wincing as his arm scraped over his shirt and his clotted wounds were ripped open again.
“Oh merlin… Thank merlin… Reg… Shit…”
Using his uninjured arm to rub his eyes, Regulus flicked up his eyelids to find the blurry image of a boy running toward him. He blinked a few times, sleep still in complete control of his body, to find the boy was James.
Regulus’ stomach warmly buzzed at the sight. For about two seconds before consciousness caught up with him and he realised exactly what James was seeing.
Oh merlin… oh no…
James could see him. All of him. His puffy cheeks and red eyes. His bloody shirt and cut up wrist. If James had had any doubts before… he knew for certain now… Regulus closed his eyes and tucked his knees into his chest. Waiting for the insults. Waiting for the torment and laughter. Regulus didn’t want to hear that from James. He wasn’t ready for such a kind boy to be cruel.
“Regulus, what happened?” James’ voice was strained, his normally confident tone completely replaced by an anxious drawl.
Regulus listened to his footsteps stop right beside him. Then listened as James crouched down and pocketed Regulus’ scalpel. His cheeks were going red, maybe more red than his clothes.
“Please, just go,” Regulus muttered, barely audible. “I don’t want-”
“No,” James interrupted. “I’m not going anywhere. I…”
Regulus was suddenly warm. His shoulders specifically. And his back and his…
James is… hugging me?
There was no getting around it. James had his arms around Regulus and was squeezing the life out of him.
“Fuck, Regulus… I thought… I really thought that you’d…”
James wrapped him up even tighter. Which made Regulus’ head spin, because what the fuck? Why wasn’t James yelling at him? Why was he being so… so nice? James and Sirius were supposed to be laughing at him right now. They were meant to be enjoying how much of a screw up the perfect son really was.
Not being nice. Not hugging him. Not acting all sorry and afraid.
“What are you doing…?” Regulus spat out, frozen in James’ embrace.
“I’m hugging you,” James replied, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I saw you lying there, with all the blood and I just thought…”
He choked on the end of his sentence and Regulus remained still and stunned. Struggling to process what was happening because… James was… he was… he sounded so sincere and…
No. This is a prank. He’s playing a trick and they’re all gonna walk in laughing the moment you accept help.
Regulus hated how much he wished James was being real. How much he wished this hug was coming from a place of love and not entertainment. But he wouldn’t be weak. He’d already let James see him have one breakdown. He would keep the last of his dignity, even if it was just strands.
Reluctantly, Regulus shoved James off him.
“Reg, what are-”
“Shut. Up.” Regulus hissed, gearing up every ounce of venom he had left in his body. He crawled backwards and climbed to his feet. Glaring down at James. Sliced up arm on full display. “Leave me, the fuck alone!”
He stepped backwards, away from the pool edge balling his hands into fists. He felt his blood rush out of the wounds as he tensed. He didn’t care.
“Get out!” he shouted, as James stared at him with wide eyes. “Get out and go back to laughing with your asshole friends without me!”
“Laughing!? Reg, we aren’t-”
“Shut! Up!” Regulus screamed before James could finish, putting more distance between them, but James followed him. He jumped to his feet and chased after him. Fake worry all over his face.
“Regulus-”
“Stop! Just go! Leave me alone! I want to be alone!”
His voice cracked on the last sentence, and he was vaguely aware that he’d started crying again. That was the least of his worries. James was here. The boy he… that he… James was here, and he’d seen everything, and now he was taunting him.
“I’m fucked and I’m crazy and I’m stupid and weird. I know that. You don’t have to remind me!”
“Regulus…” James murmured; his face all covered with pretend sadness. All part of the prank no doubt, no matter how real it looked. Merlin. Regulus wished it was real. That James actually gave a shit. Was that what the universe wanted to hear? That he was a pathetic little faggot with a crush on his brothers best friend? A brother that hated his guts and was probably enjoying the fact Regulus had turned out to be such a disappointment?
Regulus blinked painfully, swallowing back the lump in his throat as James got closer. His legs wobbling and body just about convulsing.
“Regulus, none of that is true. I don’t believe any of that. I’m not-”
Regulus shook his head. James was just trying to manipulate him. He was trying to trick him.
“I’m sorry you have to go through that…” In the library.
“I’m trying to see if you’re alright!” In the dorm.
“Are you alright?” In the passageway.
Regulus shook those memories out of his head. They weren’t real. He was making them up, or exaggerating them at least. James didn’t care. He was-
“Regulus, please sit down. Its alright. I’m just here to help.”
“No, you’re not,” Regulus spat. “You and Sirius are loving the entertainment of me being this screwed up!”
There we go. He’ll admit it now. He’s been caught in the lie.
But James didn’t admit anything. His face just got sadder, more broken as his jaw dropped and bottom lip quivered.
“I… we… that is not true…”
Regulus snorted because bullshit. That was complete and utter shit.
“I don’t wanna hear it… just piss off so I can enjoy the time I have left before it gets back to my parents…”
“Your parents!? Regulus what the fuck are you talking about?”
Regulus groaned. Why was James being so difficult? Why was he trying so hard to make the charade work? He’d been caught. Regulus could see through it. He wasn’t fooling him. So, why was he pushing?
“I’m sorry you have to go through that…” In the library.
“I’m trying to see if you’re alright!” In the dorm.
“Are you alright?” In the passageway.
Regulus shook his head. That wasn’t real. None of that meant anything. That was fake.
James stepped forward. His face uncertain and stance clearly uncomfortable. But he reached out, nonetheless.
“I don’t think your stupid and neither does Sirius…” James whispered, almost within touching distance now. “This doesn’t change how we see you-”
“Of course not. You already hate me. Its not possible to hate me anymore than-”
“No,” James shook his head, cutting Regulus off so firmly that Regulus froze. “I don’t hate you. Sirius doesn’t hate you. I can see that you’re really upset, just please let me-”
“I don’t have to let you do anything…” Regulus spat, well, tried to spit. It didn’t come out right. Far weaker and more subdued than he’d intended. He swallowed to try again. “I’m not upset…”
He failed again. His voice even softer.
James reached for his hand and Regulus flinched away from it.
“It’s alright,” James whispered, like he was talking to a skittish cat. He reached forward again, a little more slowly but just as firmly. “I promise it’s alright…”
“Pinky promise?”
“I pinky promise.”
Regulus faulted, his shaky legs collapsing as James took his hand. He didn’t hit the floor though. James caught him. Wrapping an arm around his waist and supporting him up. Carefully holding his bleeding arm, away from their bodies and out of harm’s way.
Regulus felt humiliated. His whole body screamed at him to run. To get away and hide so James couldn’t use this against him. His stomach churned and his cheeks burned. But Regulus couldn’t move. He couldn’t do anything as James gently guided them both to the floor. Sitting Regulus in his lap and holding him…
“What are you doing…” Regulus choked, wishing this was real. That James was hugging him because he loved him, and not because of a prank. It was pathetic, but he just didn’t have enough energy to hate anymore…
He waited for James to say something nasty. To start laughing and call him an idiot for giving up. But James did nothing of the sort.
“I was actually hoping to have a little bath before the evening rush started,” he said lightly. Voice strained but not unkind. “Water still warm?”
“James…” Regulus sighed. “Don’t do this… please…”
“I’m not doing anything, Reg. Also, once Sirius has the potion cure, I was thinking we should all go to Hogsmeade. Make a proper day out of it. How does that sound?”
Regulus shook his head, eyes stinging. This was meaner than insults…
“Stop…” he whispered. “Please stop…”
“Also, if you ever want to come over and stay at mine in the holidays. Our door is always open. We have a spare room you can claim as yours if you want to.”
No… stop… James please…
Regulus shook his head again.
“Stop pitying me, James…” he muttered weakly. “I can’t handle fake hope…”
“I’m not pitying you,” James insisted, holding Regulus a little tighter. “I’m just making some suggestions. I know you usually stay at the castle over Christmas, so you’re welcome to come then.”
“I’m sorry you have to go through that…” In the library.
“I’m trying to see if you’re alright!” In the dorm.
“Are you alright?” In the passageway.
Regulus couldn’t fight anymore…
He relaxed into James, prank be damned, selfishly taking what he wanted for once. This would be the first and last time. He was going to humour him. Pretend it was real until James pulled it out from under him. He deserved that much… right?
“What do you…” he croaked. Hopelessly trying to blink back the new tears already falling. “What’s a Potter Christmas like?”
He could practically feel James' fake smile. He hated how much he liked it.