Work Text:
“Jayje?” Emily knocked gently on the bathroom door and called her wife’s name softly. There was no answer.
“Jen,” she tried again, firmer this time. “Jen, hon, just let me know you’re okay.”
Still nothing.
“JJ, I’m coming in”.
Slowly Emily creaked the door open, revealing JJ sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning against the bathtub. Her arms rested on her bent knees and her phone hung limply from her right hand.
Emily knelt down and gently rested a hand on her wife’s arm. JJ was staring unblinking at the phone in her hand, but her eyes were unfocused, their normal bright blue more a stormy gray.
“JJ,” Emily whispered, “love, what happened?”
JJ took a shaky inhale and raised her eyes to meet Emily’s. The look on her wife’s face was so concerned and so full of love that it pushed JJ over the edge, and she began to cry. Emily immediately gathered the blonde in her arms and pressed a kiss to her hair. JJ’s body shook with sobs while Emily held her.
“It’s okay,” Emily whispered into JJ’s hair. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it”.
While JJ cried, Emly’s mind raced. She had no idea what had brought this on; she had just been thinking the other day about how solid she felt, how even after everything they had been through together, her and JJ had never been better.
Sniffling, JJ pulled away from Emily slightly, disrupting her thoughts.
“There she is,” Emily cooed as she used her thumb to wipe JJ’s tears.
“Sorry,” the blonde mumbled.
“Jennifer Jareau, don’t you dare apologize,” Emily said, keeping her voice light so JJ would know she wasn’t being too serious.
JJ didn’t answer, and leaned her bodyweight back against the tub. Emily sat next to her, mirroring her position. As badly as she wanted to ask JJ what was wrong, Emily knew that her wife would tell her in her own time, and that pushing her would only make the situation worse for both of them.
After a few minutes of silence, JJ croaked, “My mom called.”
Emily hummed in acknowledgement and waited for JJ to continue.
“They’re… they’re selling the house.”
Emily raised her eyebrows and turned her body to face JJ.
“Really?”
JJ nodded and kept her eyes closed as she continued. “She wants me to go up and go through my room. And go through Roz’s room”. With that, JJ clamped a hand over her mouth, and Emily wasn’t sure if she was about to start crying again or if she was going to throw up. Luckily, JJ was just trying to muffle her sobs, but Emily gently reached up and pried JJ’s hand down, holding it in her own.
“Oh, Jen.” She couldn’t think of what else to say. There was so much to unpack. JJ had always said her parents would never move–they loved the house and how it had room for all their extended family for holidays and reunions. Emily and JJ had stayed there for many a Thanksgiving, and Emily was always struck by how warm it was, despite the tragedy that had occurred there years earlier.
JJ had also always thought that her parents would never be able to leave the place where her sister had died. Her room was still exactly as she had left it. JJ had only ventured in there a handful of times, but she knew her mom still went to sit in there sometimes when her grief overwhelmed her.
Emily didn't know what to do. Even after so many years together, this was the one thing that JJ struggled to talk to her about.
“Are you… do you… want to go?” she tried.
Immediately, she knew this was the wrong thing to say. JJ was clearly overwhelmed thinking about what to do.
“I don’t know, I don’t know what to do and I–”
“Jen,” Emily interrupted her ramble. “Take a breath. You don’t need to decide right now, okay? And whatever you decide, I’m here.”
JJ took a deep breath. “Okay, you’re right. You’re right.” She leaned sideways against Emily.
In the end, JJ decided to go, knowing that the guilt of not going would eat at her.
That’s how she ended up in the passenger seat as Emily drove north to Pennsylvania. They rode in comfortable silence with the radio on softly in the background, but as they exited the highway and got closer to JJ’s hometown, Emily could sense the blonde getting more anxious. Keeping one hand on the wheel, she rested her other on her wife’s knee and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“You okay?”
JJ exhaled heavily.
“We can still turn around,” Emily offered. “There’s no–”
“No, I’m okay,” JJ cut her off.
When they pulled up to the house an hour later, the driveway was empty; JJ’s mom had said they might be running errands when the women arrived. JJ let them in the front door with her key and whistled under her breath as she took in the boxes stacked in the living room.
“They really made quick work of that, huh?” she said softly.
Emily trailed behind her wife and anxiously played with her wedding band. She had moved so many times in her life that none of them had felt like a big deal, but she knew JJ must be feeling overwhelmed about being in this space for the last time.
“I think I’m just going to rip the bandaid off and do it,” JJ announced as she looked up the stairs.
“Okay,” Emily said. “Do you want me to help? Or do you want to do it yourself?”
“I can do it,” JJ replied.
“Okay,” Emily said again, more tentatively this time. “I’ll wait down here, but just holler if you need me, okay?”
JJ nodded and headed slowly up the stairs. Emily wandered through the kitchen and living room, trailing her hand over all the boxes and stacks of newspaper-wrapped dishes. Most everything was packed, but there were hints of her wife’s old life peeking out: framed photos waiting to be boxed up, the napkins Emily recognized from Thanksgiving dinners, the rocking chair in the corner.
Emily was about to open a photo album when she realized how quiet it was upstairs; there was no shuffling of boxes or any sign of movement from JJ.
When she reached the top of the stairs, Emily saw the door to Roslyn’s room ajar, and she slowly pushed it open further to find JJ standing stock-still, staring at the ceiling.
“Jen?” she probed quietly.
JJ looked over at Emily and Emily rushed forward to catch her wife as her knees gave out. She lowered them to the ground slowly, JJ clinging to her arms. The blonde heaved with sobs and Emily felt tears prickle in her own eyes.
They sat there long enough that Emily lost track of time, and the feeling in her legs. Eventually, JJ wiped her nose on her sleeve and croaked out an apology.
“JJ, sweetheart, don’t apologize. I can’t even imagine what this must be like for you,” Emily replied gently.
“I grabbed the things I want to hold on to,” JJ said. “Some books and a few of her things. I just… this really feels like I’m leaving her.”
Emily reached up and tapped the necklace that JJ always wore. “You’ve always got her, and she always has you, too, JJ. I really… I really believe that. You know I don’t really buy into a lot of that shit, but… I know she’s looking out for you.”
JJ’s eyes welled with tears again.
“Em,” she said softly.
“Mmmm?”
“Thank you, for that.”
Emily nuzzled JJ’s head with her own. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”
“I know.”
They sat there for a long time– JJ taking in her last glances of the room before it was gone forever, Emily holding her tight.
“I’m ready,” JJ said with finality.
“Are you sure? You don’t–”
“I’m sure,” JJ interrupted Emily’s rushed reply. Slowly, Emily stood and helped pull JJ up off the floor.
“Bye, Roz,” JJ whispered. She turned and left purposefully, leaving Emily in the room by herself.
“Bye, Roslyn,” Emily echoed. “I wish I got to meet you. Thanks for looking after our girl.”
Slowly, she left and softly shut the door behind her. But even as the door closed, she felt as if another was opening for her and her wife– a chance for them to connect more deeply, talk about things they had never talked about. It felt like, even though it hurt now, the pain wouldn’t be forever, and that her and JJ would stand tall again.