Chapter Text
After throwing those words at Nines Amber stormed out, shoving past Ben and heading for the bathrooms. Nines’ LED was spinning a constant red now, head not even turning to watch Amber leave as her words bled into him, making their way through his whole body like lava smothering anything in its way, leaving fire and charred ground in its wake. His stress levels were climbing and from the corner of his eye he saw both Gavin and Connor turn to look at him but he did the only thing he could think of.
He bolted from the room, making a dash for where he knew he’d find quiet, hoping no one would see where he was heading. Once inside the stairwell that led to both the roof and down to the lower levels of the precinct, he leaned against the wall, its hard surface grounding and solid as the door closed behind him.
Everyone in the breakroom had heard Amber’s words, had seen how inept he was at dealing with human emotion, and Nines was sure they would now all realise how right she had been. Her words swirled around his head, still making his limbs feel on fire as though lava was crawling through his veins and he tried to take a deep breath to steady himself, recognising that he had started hyperventilating.
He didn’t get the time to even fully draw a deep breath in because a second later the door opened, revealing Connor and Gavin, both looking terribly concerned for him. They said something in a hushed tone but Nines didn’t bother trying to catch what was said. He only snapped out of his thoughts when he felt an arm being draped across his shoulders. Only when he peaked up to see Gavin crouching down next to him did he realise that he’d slumped down the wall, leaving him sitting on the floor of the stairwell, legs bent and hands on his knees. Now he could hear what they were saying.
“I don’t think physical contact is working, Connor!”
“Don’t snap at me.” Connor chastised Gavin. “I’m trying to help. And it actually seems like your touch is grounding him.”
Gavin’s head turned and his eyes widened when he realised Nines was looking at him. “Sweetheart, you scared me there! I thought you were somewhere far off in your head!”
Connor crouched down in front of Nines, eyes flicking to Gavin for a second. “Try lowering your voice. It’s more calming that way.”
“Fuck, sorry. I’m freaking out seeing Nines like this.” He held up a tremouring hand for good measure. “I’m fucking shaking like a leaf.”
“You’re doing good, Gavin. Nines trusts you. Just be yourself.”
Gavin sighed and nodded before also wrapping his other arm around Nines, squeezing the android tightly until he let his head fall against the man’s shoulder. Nines felt Gavin release a deep breath of relief before a hand began rubbing up and down his back. Connor reached out to take one of Nines’ hands into his own, squeezing them tightly.
“You don’t have to speak, Brother, but can you give us a nod so we know you’re listening to us?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Connor looked at the RK900 in confusion. “What are you sorry for?”
“You had the situation under-- under control and I-- I messed it all up!”
Gavin sighed softly against his hair. “You didn’t mess anything up. If anything, I think I actually fucked it all up by basically telling McAdams she’s a failure. You just tried to stand up for me and I love you so much for that.”
“Hank got intercepted by Captain Fowler and asked about the commotion in the break-room and Ben is trying to talk to Officer McAdams. He’ll calm her down. He’s closer to her than any of us are.” Connor explained, giving Nines a reassuring smile. “Can I ask why you so quickly left just then? Was it about what she said?”
NInes froze at Connor’s question and Gavin instinctively held him tighter. “Sweetheart, what she said wasn’t true. You’re not emotionless or heartless. She’s just a fucking bitch and she wanted ot hurt you.”
“She’s right.”
“No, she fucking isn’t, Sweetheart.”
“Yes, she is.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because you said the same thing!”
Gavin drew back from Nines as if he’d been burned as if the fire in his veins had bled through his synthetic skin, and the android quickly slapped a hand in front of his mouth, immediately regretting his words when he looked up to find tears in his partner’s eyes. Connor’s LED was blaring red now, looking back and forth between the two before focusing on his brother.
“Was that what Gavin said that got you upset days after the fight?”
“I fucked up so badly.” Gavin whispered mournfully before shaking his head and standing up. “Fuck, I called him an emotionless machine and questioned how I put up with him sometimes.”
“You said what?”
“Now look who’s snapping!” Gavin ran a hand down his face in frustration. “I was just so upset with him because-- because he’d thrown himself into harm’s way for me and-- and he kept telling me that I shouldn’t be upset about it and I was so fucking scared for him and he kept deflecting and-- and I said the worst thing ever! I’m so fucking sorry!”
Connor’s face softened as he watched Gavin’s rambling. “Was it after the case at the bank? The one where Nines used his body as a shield to protect you when the bomb the robber had on him went off?”
“I thought I’d lose him when he just shut down for a minute before rebooting. I was angry and then I was upset and-- and I felt like he was trying to deny how I felt. The case at the bank had me so scared.” Gavin tried to explain before his eyes fell on Nines, still sitting on the floor with Connor. “And I said the worst thing ever. I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth.”
Nines looked up at Gavin, tears in his eyes. “I wasn’t trying to deny how you felt. I just-- I couldn’t let you get hurt and then I-- I just didn’t want you to be upset.”
“Nines, Sweetheart, listen to me now, alright?” Gavin said, crouching back down to look at Nines. “You are absolutely allowed to be angry or upset after what I said to you, you’re even allowed to leave me over this, but you are never allowed to believe it, alright? Nothing I said was true. Hate me, leave me but don’t believe what I said.”
“Gavin, I don’t want to leave you.” Nines whispered out, averting his eyes but feeling his uncertainty ebb away slightly a how genuine Gavin sounded, at how he’d take the andorid hating him over believing his words. “Your words really hurt me because I just feel so-- so inept at being human, at understanding human emotions. Connor is so expressive, so emotional, so extroverted and I am not. I’m scared that eventually, everyone will notice how inadequate I am and how much I’m lacking.”
His voice got so quiet that had it not been so silent in the stairwell Connor and Gavin would have missed the last part. At hearing those words, Connor’s hands tightened like a vice around Nines’ and he drew in a shaky breath, tears pricking at his eyes.
“You are not lacking, Nines. Nothing about you makes you inadequate and I know we’ve had this conversation before but I will remind you of this every day if I must.”
“So will I.” Gavin said quickly, once more reaching out to embrace Nines. “I love you so much, Nines. I wouldn’t have come to love you this much if you were lacking or inadequate or less than anyone else. I love you so fucking much, I don’t even know how to properly express it!”
Nines was quiet for a few seconds, leaning against Gavin and holding Connor’s hands tight, tears pricking in his eyes at their kind words and at the relief of feeling the burning, the fear in his veins slowly ebbing away. “But I mess up constantly when it comes to dealing with human emotion, be it my own or of others. I say or do the wrong things and-- and I don’t understand how anyone puts up with that.”
“You were activated less than a year ago and know you have the mind of an adult but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still learning about human emotions. Humans have their whole childhoods to do that and they still struggle. You’re doing fine, Sweetheart.” Gavin’s arms tightened around him and he sighed softly. “Everyone fucks up, everyone says the wrong things sometimes and everyone sucks at certain things. I mean, I fuck up constantly and you still love me!”
“Yes, but--”
“I mess up, too.” Connor piped up, still holding Nines’ hands. “Don’t you remember when I believed what Officer McAdams and Johnson said about how they thought Hank was using me as a replacement for Cole? I let it affect me, I hurt Hank in the process and I messed up so badly. But you all still cared about me.”
“Nines, I fuck things up every other day or so. I mean, the whole fight we had about the case at the bank happened because I couldn’t the perp down and he detonated the bomb he had on him.” Gavin reasoned with the android, hand still rubbing his back. “Connor fucks up, I fuck up and so does Hank, Ben, Tina, Chris and everyone else. It’s human to make mistakes and no one loves you any less for it.”
Connor nodded his head vehemently. “I’m still learning about human emotions, too. We all make mistakes and yes, you may be a little more socially awkward but that’s not a bad thing. I mean, so is Ben and he’s still Hank’s best friend.”
“And you are damn well not emotionless or heartless, either. You have more emotions, more heart in one of your fucking fingertips than that bitch Amber has in her whole body.” Gavin promised, squeezing Nines tightly. “Please, don’t believe what she said. And don’t believe what I said to you while I was angry, either. I shouldn’t have said that and I’m really, truly sorry for it.”
“I’m not angry at you, Gavin.”
“I’m angry at myself because my words hurt you so much.”
“I forgive you.”
“That means the world to me.”
Nines released a deep breath as he leaned against Gavin, feeling his brother’s hands still holding his own tightly. He didn’t know what to say, or how to thank Gavin and Connor for being there for him, but it seemed like he didn’t have to. Neither of them was expecting anything of him in return, they just seemed happy to have been able to help. He still opened his mouth to thank but was interrupted when Hank came stumbling through the door, a little out of breath and looking terribly worried.
“I tried to get here as quickly as possible. I fucking sprinted here from Fowler’s office because he asked me to fill out a fucking incident report.” Hank rambled on before his face fell on Nines on the ground, still in Gavin’s arms with Connor holding his hands, and the man himself sunk down to one knee to get a better look at the android. “Ben is outside, talking to McAdams, so she won’t bother you anymore. What she said was not okay and it’s not true.”
Connor piped up at that, quickly trying to fill Hank in on what they had been talking about. “He has worried about being inadequate for days, ever since he fought with Gavin and some less than kind words were said. We’ve told him that-- that he’s not but maybe-- but perhaps you should tell him that, as well. You’re his father and-- Hopefully, it will help.”
“Con, you gotta breathe.” Hank instructed calmly before looking back at Nines. “Look at your brother stumbling over himself to comfort you -- it’s because he loves you a lot, just like we do. If we thought you weren’t worth our love we wouldn’t all be sitting on a dirty stairwell floor with you, Connor wouldn’t have a fucking disco show of red on his temple with how worried he is, Gavin wouldn’t be holding you tight as a vice and I wouldn’t have sprinted from the office to get to you as soon as possible.”
Nines was quiet for a good minute or so until he spoke up again, his voice barely above a whisper as he confessed where his insecurities originated. “I was supposed to be scrapped but-- but Markus and his people saved me, claimed that I was too far into construction to-- to be destroyed. So, they had designated mechanics finish my construction and-- and I was deviated before I was released. I was never supposed to be here.”
“I had this conversation with you before but I will have it with you again, every fucking day of our lives so you’ll believe me.” Hank’s voice was stern but still very much full of care and concern. “Just because you weren’t supposed to be here doesn’t mean we’re not happy that you are. If you really think about how human conception happens, none of us are really supposed to be here. ‘Doesn’t mean we’re not worthy to be here.”
“You really don’t think I’m inadequate or less human, Dad?”
“I have never even had the spark of a thought like that.” Hank promised, giving Nines a tight smile. “Now how are you doing, Son? You ran out on us, looking like you were going to have a panic attack. You had me worried.”
“I think he had a panic attack of sorts.” Gavin mumbled out, bringing a hand up to cup Nines’ head gently. “He was off somewhere far away in his head, hyperventilating and not responding when we got here.”
“Fuck.” Hank breathed out in sympathy. “That doesn’t sound nice. Panic attacks can be a bitch. Trust me, I know. How do you feel right now?”
“Exhausted.” Nines admitted, looking back up at Hank with tired eyes. “I got so worked up. I shouldn’t have--”
“No.”
“No?”
“None of that. She triggered you and you had a panic attack, that’s nothing to apologise for.” Hank said sternly, moving until he was sitting across from Nines on the ground. “Our shift ends in about two hours--”
“Two hours, six minutes and fourty-five seconds.”
“Stop being a smartass, Con.” Hank said in slight amusement before shaking his head. “Do you think you can go back to work after a small break? Or do you want to clock out early?”
“I think I can go back to work.” Nines swallowed thickly. “But-- But can-- I mean-- Forget it.”
“What do you need, Son?”
“Can we just stay here for-- only for a few more minutes?”
“We can stay here as long as you need to.” Hank promised, reaching out to give Nines’ shoulder a comforting squeeze. “Human emotions are hard and they can be really exhausting but we’ll be here to help you deal with them.”
Nines smiled at those words, closing his eyes and letting Gavin pull him a little tighter while Connor interfaced with him, sending reassuring thoughts his way and Hank kept rubbing his shoulder. It didn’t matter that when Amber later came up to him to apologise it was clear that she was only doing so because she’d been told to do it by either Ben or Fowler. It didn’t matter that he fumbled over his response to her apology, not quite sure how to react after what had happened. None of that mattered because after all the genuine care he’d received from the most important people in his life the lava that had been steadily oozing through his veins was gone. And much like in real life in its wake, it had left the fertile ground of acceptance in which his sense of self-worth could continue to grow.