Chapter Text
Lance perked up when he saw Silver come into the cafe next week. “Silver!” he called from where he was exiting the bathroom. “How you doing, knucklehead?”
“I’m all right,” Silver said with a little laugh at Lance’s enthusiasm. “And you?”
“Can’t complain,” Lance said with a little grin. “Especially now that it’s a party!”
“Oh my Ho-Oh, stop, it’s not that big a deal that I’m here!” Silver said, face flushing.
Lance pulled a key out of his pocket and pressed it into Silver’s palm. Silver stared at it in awe a little. He had known it was coming, but the fact that Lance followed through, and so quickly, made Silver feel a little overwhelmed. “Oh,” he managed to squeak out.
Lance gave him a little nervous smile, hoping that Silver wasn’t going to implode but not being entirely certain that would be the case. “Yeah,” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “I wanted to get you that quick as I could, it’s important to me, so it stands to reason it’s important for you too.”
It meant so much more to both of them than either could ever comprehend. Silver, the ability to escape should things be overwhelming, and Lance, the security to know Silver could get away from his father’s clutches should he be in danger. And Silver saw the relief and sincerity in Lance’s gaze, and he followed the most mortifying and yet natural course of actions for this development.
He cried.
Lance fretted over him a moment, and it felt nice, Silver decided, albeit a little unnecessary. “I’m fine, it’s happy tears, I’m fine,” Silver said with a weak laugh. “Thank you for caring, it’s happy tears, I’m fine.”
And when Lance stepped back and gave Silver the space to breathe, he was smiling again. “Anything I can do for you, kid? Or are you okay just getting your usual and hanging out for a spell?”
“Just the usual right now,” Silver said. “I went to the Gym earlier and want to record my battles while they’re still fresh.”
Lance felt a little streak of worry despite himself, but he nodded without his smile faltering and he went to get Silver’s Jigglypuff Pink.
Silver, for his part, went to his table and sat down. He felt a rustle on his belt and pulled out each of the Pokeballs he had with him. Today, it was Beedrill, Crobat, Sneasel, Meganium, Magneton, and Gengar. It looked like Megi was fussing over something about him, and he gently rolled the Pokeball around in a circle. “Flowery Menace,” he quietly teased her, “Something you need?”
She scowled at him from inside her Pokeball and rustled it again.
“I’m not just letting you out whenever you want, Megi. I need some time to think.” Silver was also pretty sure she would tattle on him to Lance were he to let her out right now. He had been having a rough go at the Gym today until he used some of his father’s strategy. Meganium hated when he did that, though, and not just because she got worn out, but because everyone got worn out faster, no one more than Silver himself from calculating so many options in his head. He flipped open his new journal and brought out his favorite green pen (the one that reminded him of Megi’s fur whenever he used it), and started recording what went right and what went wrong in the battle.
Lance came over with Silver’s Jigglypuff Pink and passed it to him, sitting across from him at his usual table. “How was the Gym?” he asked.
“It was tough today,” Silver admitted. “A lot of up-and-comers who I didn’t know the strategies of. I still managed to win most of the battles, though.”
“Attaboy,” Lance said with a small grin, and Silver offered a hesitant smile back. Truth be told, he was starting to grow tired of battling most days he went out instead of just being able to spend time with his Pokemon, or make some new friends, but he needed to prove to his father that letting him out and about was wise, and if Silver got too many friends his father might restrict his responsibilities and duties so that Silver couldn’t access the places he could use to find friends, only go to the Gyms to train or, if he really screwed up, only go out within the sight of Rocket Grunts to get jobs done. But he could never, ever tell Lance that. Lance would have a cow.
But Lance sensed that maybe encouraging Silver wasn’t what he needed right now. Meganium fussed again and Lance glanced at her Pokeball. “She seems animated today,” he said to Silver. “The gym must have been really tough. You heal her up already?”
“Yeah, I went to the Pokecenter before I came here,” Silver agreed.
Lance nodded. He didn’t doubt Silver in that regard; he knew Silver would move the earth for his Pokemon most days.
He was still trying to figure out what the bad days that meant he wouldn’t do that were caused by, though. He didn’t want Silver hurting his Pokemon in the heat of the moment, and while Silver was an adult and could do what he wanted, Lance still wanted him to care for his Pokemon at the end of the day, and have his Pokemon care for him. Maybe it was worth a little pushing to find out what had happened at the gym?
“Anything stand out to you today to figure out why she’s fussing?”
Silver turned a light crimson and his eyes darted away. “One or two things, maybe,” he said, and Lance saw through the lie of possibilities but decided Silver would tell him if it was too egregious, and elected to back off.
“She cares for you a great deal,” Lance said, placing a light finger on her Pokeball and spinning it lazily.
“Yeah, she does,” Silver said softly. He felt guilt threatening to creep out and over his cool facade. He was still in battle-mode, slightly, knowing that he was trying to be more hands-off than emotionally attached. When he got attached in battle mode, he made mistakes, got scratched or buffeted or scraped or thrown around a bit. He knew Lance could do any number of those things and more. Would he, though? his mind questioned. Would he risk that friendship with you?
Silver didn’t think so; but he also thought that their battle that last time would be okay, and he wound up crying and they had to go out for ice cream after to keep him from having a full-blown panic attack.
Lance observed Silver carefully, seeing the emotions warring on his face. “I don’t want to pry,” Lance said. “But it looks like you’ve got something on your mind.”
Silver grimaced, adjusted in his seat, tugging on the hem of his shirt to make sure his binder was in place. “I just—“ Silver stopped. “I don’t—“ another false start. “Oh my Ho-Oh, this is impossible,” he said, lowering his face into his free hand before running it through his hair. “I need to write down what happened in the battles to process it first, and then once I’ve looked at it objectively, I can talk with you. Deal?”
“Yeah, more than reasonable,” Lance said with a nod. “I’ll head up to the counter and you can work, and wave me down when you’re ready, cool?”
“Sounds perfect,” Silver said.
Lance left him to write down his thoughts and he recorded every last one of the battles, even the ones he lost. The Gym leader was tough today, and Silver went up against a considerable number of opponents as the Leader tried to find a match for him. It had been…almost scary. Reminded him of his father in all the wrong ways. He took a breath, held it, let it go. Looked at Meganium still scowling at him on the table. He finished up his relevant thoughts on the matter of the battles, and then took a look at the overall outcome of them. Wins, losses, and how satisfied he was at the end. The first half dozen or so, he was satisfied with, even with the losses, because they were not optimal, but they did teach him things or were fair fights. The last three or four, though…he had slipped into his father’s fighting style in a panic. And thinking about the battles with the Executives, his battle with Lance…the way Meganium shrunk away from him…he was unsatisfied with them, despite winning every last one of them.
Lance alerted as Silver waved, and he finished cleaning the counter, working his way through the hustle and bustle of the midday buzz to chat with Silver. “What’s up?” he asked.
“I wanted to show you how I examine my battles a little closer,” Silver said. He pointed at some graphics and Lance was impressed at how well thought out and in-depth Silver’s process was. “So these are the stats, the experiences, the levels of everyone, both myself and my opponent’s Pokemon,” he explained. “I go into the moves I noticed the most, what I leaned towards in speed versus strength versus defense and so on, and then I rate whether I won or lost, and how satisfied I was with the battle.”
Lance nodded, looking everything over on the pages Silver was showing him. He noticed the red Xs on the “Satisfied?” row of the last four. “Why did you not like these battles when you won? Were they too easy? Too tough?”
“They were hard, but it wasn’t based on how hard the battle was. At least, not mostly. It was—“ Silver cut himself off again, suddenly feeling very, very nervous, and very, very shy.
Lance tilted his head to the side imploringly.
“It was the way I handled the battles, and how I used different strategies at my disposal,” Silver confessed. “I fought the way my dad would in these Pokemon battles. And…and I didn’t like it.”
Lance considered this information a moment. Clearly, Silver thought this was some grievous error. And while Lance wouldn’t personally use the same techniques a mob boss would use with his Pokemon, he knew that Giovanni had once been a gym leader. Surely, he had gotten that far somehow, and following in his father’s battle strategy would work well for Silver’s overall style, provided he found something he liked in it. But if Silver didn’t like what he saw, well, Lance could do damage control with the best of them. “Okay,” he said. Silver looked at him blankly, and Lance shrugged. “Really. It’s okay. You used a strategy you thought you would be comfortable with, and you won the battles but you didn’t like the style. That’s fine. You are more than free to think that, and you are more than free to not adopt those strategies into your battle style. Were they rough on your Pokemon?”
“Yeah…” Silver admitted softly. “It was rough on them…and me too, a little.”
“They’ll forgive you, I’m sure of it,” Lance said. “Especially if you make it clear you care for them afterwards. Are you willing to forgive yourself?”
Silver paused with his drink halfway to his lips. He considered the question carefully. “You know…” he said, decidedly uncertain, “I had never considered that before.”
“Forgiving yourself, you mean?” At Silver’s nod, Lance continued, “Yeah, kid. You don’t always know how anything is gonna shake out. You have to allow yourself some grace, and some room to make mistakes. And rather than beating yourself up about it, you should be able to forgive yourself for not seeing whatever misfortune might have happened ahead of time.”
Silver finished taking a sip of his drink, considering this information. “I…don’t always like going to the Gym,” he admitted softly. “It’s draining, but I have to if I want the excuse to leave the house. My dad will call the local Gyms sometimes to see if I was there. He’s a bit…too controlling for my tastes when he’s worried like that. Don’t tell him I said that.”
“I’d never dream of it,” Lance assured him. Truth be told, he wouldn’t want to talk to Giovanni at all, let alone about how Silver viewed him. “Do you fight like you did when we were battling?”
Silver pulled a face. “Not quite,” he allowed. “But it’s still similar.”
“I understand how it would be draining, then,” Lance said.
Silver sucked in a soft breath. “Yeah,” he said. There was a thick pause. Then, “Look, when we battled, you know I wasn’t at my best right?”
“Oh, believe me, I know—“
“—I mean, I had been sleeping badly, which messed with my temper, and my judgement more than a little bit—“
“—Silver—“
“—And I just want you to know that I never, ever, ever want to hit my Pokemon. Not like that. Not when I’m in my right mind,” Silver finished in a rush. He had shrunk in on himself and his entire body language was screaming nervousness and please don’t hate me. “I don’t want them hurt, ever. Not from my opponents, and not from me. Yeah, battling is okay, because they agree to it and they like the exercise and whatnot, but…whenever they faint I feel a lot of guilt, if I push them too hard I can…cry…sometimes. And if I battle after I take my T shot I’m so impossibly anxious about what might happen to them. I care about my Pokemon, Lance. I don’t want you to think I don’t.”
“Silver, I know. And I never thought that,” Lance assured him. He placed his hand on Silver’s shoulder. “I promise you I didn’t. And I’ll tell you what’s more, the fact that you were so distraught when Meganium shrunk away from you proves to me that you treat them right. They know you, and they forgive you when you mess up. What I worry about is if you forgive yourself when they get hurt.” He paused a moment, considering Silver’s words. “It sounds like you don’t, to be honest. But I’m not you, I can’t make that call.”
“It’s…hard,” Silver allowed. “It’s hard to forgive myself because they trust me so much, and I tell them they can do more, they can do better, and they push themselves so hard for my sake. It hurts when I hurt them on accident.”
“But if it’s an accident, then you need to give yourself that grace,” Lance insisted softly. “It’s important that you know that, Silver. Much as we might like to, we can’t predict the future.”
“I know,” Silver sighed. “I really wish we could, that would make things easier.”
“Don’t I know it!” Lance laughed. “But we’re not Celebi.”
Silver nodded, looking down and away.
Lance tutted. “I think you’ve had a rough go today. Now that you’ve written everything down, do you think you want to do anything else?” At the rustle on the table, Lance laughed. “Are you going to hug Meganium, at least?”
Silver looked at the Pokeball warily. “She might be mad at me,” Silver said.
And Lance had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Silver wouldn’t appreciate it, and Lance knew it wasn’t helpful, besides. “She could be,” he allowed, “But based on her nature I think she’s more worried about you than you are about her. She wants to make sure you take care of yourself.”
“Yeah…” Silver mumbled. “You know, sometimes I wish someone else could do the caring for me. Someone else could remember to eat and drink water and do all the things I have to do by myself. Like, yeah, being an adult is great until you have to do everything on your own, pay for food with your own money, find your purpose without others telling you what your purpose should be.”
“Your dad never offered you the opportunity to discover your calling? He never encouraged you to look for things you enjoy?”
Silver winced. “He wants me to run the family business when he gets too old to do it anymore. There’s nothing else he wants of me, there’s nothing else he really wanted me to explore in case I decided I didn’t want to take things over.”
Lance sighed. “I wish he would allow you to explore more,” he lamented. “If you were my kid, I’d do everything in my power to let you follow your heart, wherever that might lead you.”
“My heart lever leads me anywhere, that’s sorta the problem,” Silver lightly pointed out.
“You haven’t had the opportunity to really explore and let your heart give you any results,” Lance replied with a shrug. “Maybe one of these days you could head out for a trek beyond the city and see what the woods or the beach or the mountains have to offer. You might get some good out of more exploration beyond just catching Pokemon.”
Silver frowned in thought. “I’ll consider it,” he allowed. “I’ll definitely consider it.”
“Consideration is all I ask, at the end of the day,” Lance said with a kind smile. “Anything around here you want to do? You doubtless have your coloring book, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Silver agreed. “Sometimes I wonder how hard it is to make my own coloring pages, though.”
“Oh, it’s not too terribly hard, but you need a lot of patience if you want a lot of little details,” Lance said. “I’ve doodled coloring pages sometimes in the margins of my University notes. Now, it did help me listen to the lectures somewhat, but I probably should have written down what was being said, too.”
“How do you doodle coloring pages in margins?” Silver asked with a frown.
“I didn’t color them in, but you know all the little lines and circles and mandalas you see in coloring books like yours?” At Silver’s nod, Lance said, “I made those designs,” with an easy shrug.
Silver’s eyes went wide as saucers. Maybe, if he was very lucky and very good, he’d be able to see Lance make a coloring page if he asked nicely. Maybe he’d even get to color one if he was an angel. He doubted he’d be able to be perfect, but if he played his cards exactly right, he might be able to get something…! “I’d love to see that sometime,” Silver said. “Not, like, your notes or whatever. What you draw.”
Lance laughed. “I know what you meant. And what’s more, you’re in incredible luck, because I have a sketchbook in my office you’re welcome to flip through. It’s mostly anatomical studies, but it does have some of those whimsical doodles, too. Want to come see?”
Silver nodded, entranced, and Lance glanced out the window. He didn’t see any Grunts on the street, but people were hurrying by with furtive looks, so it was only a matter of time. “Grab your Pokeballs and stuff, kid, and I’ll show you. I don’t want anyone taking anything of yours. Not that I thought they would, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Silver nodded, grabbed his things, and they went into the back with him still oblivious to Lance’s worry. He was enamored with the plain black sketchbook Lance passed him, and as he opened it up to a random page, he found a sketch of a Dratini freshly hatched out of an egg. “Woah,” he breathed, looking at the drawing and then at Lance. “You drew this?”
“It’s not the best, I know—“
“—It’s so good,” Silver finished, and Lance was a little shocked. It was an old sketch, but Lance supposed Silver wouldn’t be focusing on the flaws, but rather the drawing as a whole, and…Lance supposed it was a fairly cohesive piece. He was somewhat impressed he didn’t cringe at the sight of it, at least.
“Turn the page, I think there’s a doodling one there,” Lance said, pointing.
Silver did so, and his eyes widened. The entire page was filled with little rectangular lines, sometimes making sharp angles, sometimes going vertical and horizontal in a stair-like shape, but never in two ways that were exactly the same, and it was so intricately detailed that Silver was stunned. “You drew this?” Silver asked.
“Probably took anywhere from three to five hours, but yeah,” Lance said. “Whenever I would get a bout of anxiety, I would add little rectangles to what I had started, and I ended up with that.”
Silver was impressed. “That’s amazing,” he breathed. “I want to be able to draw like this.”
“Yeah?” Lance asked. “Art’s a good passion to follow. Sure, there’s a bunch of risk if you make it a career, but your hobbies can be your passions too, not just a job.”
Silver nodded. “I think I want to try doing something like this,” he said.
“Do you have a sketchbook or just an unlined journal lying around?” Lance asked.
“Somewhere in my room, probably, yeah,” Silver agreed. “I’m gonna make the best coloring pages known to man!”
Lance laughed, and Silver beamed as Lance said, “I can’t wait to see them.”