burn my genitals
sew my mouth
give me something to dream about

fuck me until i cry
god wont let me die

who was he when he died
the same i anticipate
flesh and blood and bones and bile
i cant imagine much change since when we touched last
but it was too much change
unfathomable change.
you are now in the next world, and there is no more room for me
i am simply laying with the corpses in my bed and in my chest

theres no way he can hate me, right? what will he say when he sees me, my valuelessness,
my self pity, and my self obsession

i deserve a gold fucking metal for being alive
and a piece of trash hung over my neck for taking advantage of it, for complaining about this
royal flush given to be by god

i am alien here, i lack the delusions that once brought me life and touch and purpose
does my soul know bodily disfiguration, inconvenience? does it care?

the uselessness of suffering

in itself, weariness has something sickening about it

WHO ARE YOU TO SAY IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS
WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE MY CHARACTER, MY VOLATILITY
I HAVE LITTLE HOPE THAT THIS WILL GET BETTER
I HAVE LITTLE HOPE THAT MY JOY CAN TURN GENUINE
I HAVE LITTLE HOPE THAT I CAN SEE BEYOND THE GRIEF ADDING STONES TO MY THROAT AND TAKING YEARS OFF MY LIFE
WHO ARE YOU TO KNOW HOW THIS ENDS
I HAVE SEEN HOW MY FUTURE ENDS

my self pity would repulse you!!

my desires would disgust you!!

and who are you to tell me otherwise?!?!

your joy is ignorant!!!!

where is your grief????

i am not of the fugitive roses that eternally sees day until death!!

no!! give none of me! do not stain my hands

(and all those around me) with my misfortune my misery and my unwillingness to see beyond my own repulsive self pity !!