glossary link
Link to FAQ tag for more more common questions

Ask rules

• put trigger warnings at the beginning of your ask if applicable
• put public asks that you want answered privately in parentheses, or tell us you want it to be private
• please be mindful that you are not being transphobic, ableist, or racist in your asks. Those will likely be deleted.
• do not send us discourse
• at least look at what questions are answered here before you send an ask

Can I follow if I’m not butch but I’m a lesbian, a wlw, nblw, and/or a sapphic?

Yeap! You don’t have to be butch or GNC to follow us! 

-Mod T

Can I follow if I’m questioning (gender or sexuality)?

Absolutely! I would like this blog to be a resource for questioning people and hope to help with what can be a painful and scary process.

-Mod Q

Do you do promos?

I can try. Just send me the url of the blog you want promoted. It would be nice if you could submit or tag me in a premade promo, though.

-Mod Q

What is compulsory heterosexuality?

Compulsory heterosexuality, often called comp het, is a misogynist structure that affects all women, even heterosexual women. It, as @gothhabiba says, “works to privilege heterosexuality” and rewards women’s relationships with and dependence on men. Women are punished for not being attracted to men or for decentering men from their lives by the wage gap and other social and economic methods. It is important to remember that this is not something that women “have”, it is something that we face, regardless of sexuality.

Because of this, lesbians often experience a fake attraction to men which makes it hard for us to figure what our sexuality is. This fake attraction often looks like only being attracted to fictional or otherwise unattainable men (married men, celebrity men, gay men, etc.) and feeling fear at the thought of a man reciprocating one’s “attraction”. We are shown how we will be punished for not liking men and convince ourselves that we do like men.

It is important to acknowledge that non-lesbian wlw sometimes have some of the same feelings. Even straight women can experience the desperation for men’s approval and attention. It is a misogynist structure. It affects all women. It just affects lesbians in unique ways.

Here’s a link to our comp het tag: x.

Note: this term is credited to Adrienne Rich and her essay “Compulsory Heterosexuality and the Lesbian Existence”. It is my understanding that she was a TERF. There have been some efforts to rename the idea, and some people reject it entirely, but this term has evolved from Rich’s essay. I want to draw attention to the origin because comp het is still a very useful term, but we have to be mindful of how transmisogyny has influenced feminist theory and make a conscious effort to uplift trans women and broader intersectionality in feminist thought.

I think it is best if we try to preserve the history of important terms, even and perhaps especially if the people who coined them are bad. We don’t just want to sweep it all away and pretend like transmisogyny hasn’t been a huge problem in feminism for a very long time. I don’t know that there really is one answer to this issue of what to name this structure, so I am just laying out all the information I have.

Here is a link to the paper if you want to understand more of the context around this term: x. Trigger warning for bioessentialism.

-Mod Q

Can I look (blank) way and still be butch?

Butch is not just a presentation or aesthetic. A part of it is, but many butches are not safe to present how they want. And finding the confidence to present the way you want is often a long process. Whether or not you are butch depends more on how much you identify with this experience. For me, letting go of traditional femininity has been hard, but I knew it was right for me. Just because you have long hair or sometimes wear makeup does not mean you cannot be butch, even if it’s voluntary. Also check out my fashion & presentation page if you are looking for fashion or presentation advice.

-Mod Q

Can I be futch?

The futch scale does not technically exist. Butch and femme are two distinct identities that developed as a framework. Here’s a post explaining this. However, I know some honestly identify with this term and I respect that.

-Mod Q

Can I be nonbinary and butch?

Yes! Nonbinary butches are nothing new or unusual. This identity makes perfect sense in the context of lesbian history. Here are some good posts on the subject: x x.

-Mod Q

How can a lesbian use he/him pronouns?

First of all, pronouns do not equal gender. Second of all, lesbians often have an extremely complex relationship to gender, due to lesbophobia. Lesbians of color have an even more complex relationship to gender than white lesbians because of the intersection of lesbophobia and racism. For these reasons, lesbians use non-she/her pronouns.

Straight womanhood is the only representation lesbians ever see and they are often told that attraction to men is a required for one to be a woman. This makes womanhood painful and/or too unrelatable for lesbians to use she/her pronouns because of how they are attached to femininity. Also some lesbians use he/him because they are often misgendered as such and it is too dangerous and/or exhausting to explain. Some do it because they feel it represents their gender non-conformity. Some trans lesbians do this for the reasons listed above, or because they are not out.

Lesbians have a complex relationship to gender that many people do not understand, but it deserves respect. [Also, I am writing about this from a lesbian perspective but any non-lesbian women/woman-aligned people who use he/him should be respected, as there are other reasons women/woman-aligned people can have complicated relationships to gender.]

This answer also applies to literally any woman, regardless of sexuality, with some details changed of course. Bisexual women in particular also have a complicated relationship to gender.

This also applies to all people ever. You can do whatever you want for whatever reason you want as long as you aren’t hurting others. Be free.

-Mod Q

Some other posts on the subject: x, x, x.

I’m genderfluid, bigender, trigender, etc. and I identify as a wlw and a mlm, can I follow? 

Yes. I know this is a topic that people have a lot of opinions about, but I’m really just generally fine with people who engage with this blog in good faith. I haven’t always felt that way, and I’ve definitely behaved poorly towards people for that before. I’m sorry for that.

-Mod Q

Can I be a lesbian if I am attracted to unaligned nonbinary people?

This is a complex question. Part of me wants to say that it is odd to say as a blanket statement that you are attracted to nonbinary people. Nonbinary is an umbrella term that describes many genders which cannot be signaled or performed in the same way as man and woman (because of transphobia).

As a lesbian who is unaligned (aside from connection with womanhood through lesbianism) I think you can be a lesbian if you are attracted to unaligned nonbinary people. However, not every nonbinary person will be comfortable with you using this label to encompass your attraction or relationship to them. That is something you should discuss with any nonbinary partners you may have.

-Mod Q

Can I be a lesbian/woman if I do X to my body?

I don’t know that I’m all that comfortable telling people whether they can or can’t get surgery, go on hrt, etc. That’s a very personal choice that I shouldn’t really have a say in.

But I would like to say that I don’t really think that there’s anything you can do to your body that can stop you from being a woman, a lesbian, or anything else really. At no point are you required to be anything that you are not, regardless of your hormone levels, your anatomy, or any procedures that you’ve had or want to have.

I do think sometimes the reasons people want certain things can be confusing or hard to discover, and they may misunderstand their motivations at first. But if you’re sure you want something, and it’s safe & you understand the risks, I can only tell you to go ahead. It’s really ultimately your choice if you want to change your body in certain ways, and most likely your reasons are valid, even if some people may disagree.

If you don’t identify as a man, nothing can make you into a man. If you do identify as a man, then you’re a man. That’s really all there is to gender identity, imo. The same goes for women and nonbinary people. It really only doesn’t apply to culture-specific genders that you have no claim to.

-Mod Q