thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it’s a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I’m working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it’s okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I’m failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I’m doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it’s such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.
sorry to put your tags on blast on this insane breach containment post I have since muted, but you’re right and you should say it.
it has been years and this still remains the most meaningful advice i have ever read. every time i’m editing my own writing and getting really fed up with it, i stop bashing my face in and just think about this. “You hate the most valuable thing about your art.” my writing is supposed to read like i wrote it! because i did! i should be happy to have my own voice and style! ugh thank you forever to this tweet fr
