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all the birthdays wishes I’m getting by 12:37am ❤️ (+ four on discord)

okay so that person who I was jealous off on that forum?? there’s a high possibility that this is just conceit and/or paranoia, but I’m starting to wonder if he’s copying Me????

because I made a post in one thread about My favorite character (WHO IS NOT A COMMON FAVORITE CHARACTER; he and I are the only active users with him as our favorite) and how I got invested in him just under three years ago and watched youtube videos about him before I actually watched the show he’s from. unusual way of getting into a thing, right?

so why did he post a status update a few minutes later that said (paraphrasing) “now that i think about it, i actually started liking him over three years ago! i watched videos of him but never the actual show until recently haha” 🤨

that’s so fucking similar. same niche character, same strange backstory, and just slightly longer ago than I mentioned?? this can’t just be Me.

AND THEN last night, I posted a vent on the site’s mental health thread about how I’ve been so suicidal and the things that used to matter to Me don’t matter anymore and I’m not even sure if I wanted to live to My birthday on monday. etc. etc. I’m having a collapse okay.

but then!! a short amount of time later, he replies talking about how suicidal HE is, and how his parents starve him and how he gets attacked by his classmates at school etc. etc.

now I’m not necessarily doubting that he’s suicidal or being abused. he’s mentioned the former before and the latter is a pretty common cause of that.

but right after I posted My vent? when he’s barely ever interacted with the vent thread before? while expressing none of the pity for Me that’s standard etiquette on that thread? combined with the fact that he mysteriously has a near-identical backstory for how he started watching the show to Me?

I wonder so much if I’m just being paranoid but it’s so strange. are you trying to imitate Me?? I get that’s the sincerest form of flattery or whatever the fuck, but when I’m talking about how actively suicidal I am???? oh My god at least leave a sad react like everyone else did.

I usually love being on people’s mind, even when it’s just because they feel envious or otherwise negative about Me, but it pisses Me off to have competition of any kind, especially one that doesn’t act like he wants Me to have the status and popularity that I’ve already spent the past year building on there.

being an “is often envious of others” narcissist instead of a “believes that others are envious of them” narc SUCKS. WDYM seeing other people do something even slightly better or faster than I do makes Me feel physically ill?? this shit is so embarrassing.

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“you don’t need to dress up for the dentist” ❌ WRONG ❌ color-coordinated fit in the kids play area

the narcissistic confusion that comes from experiencing an issue that makes you rage and blame others and an issue that makes you collapse and blame yourself back to back…

like, how dare you overshadow Me? how dare you act like you appreciate My special interest more than Me? I love that shit more than anything, more than you are even capable of loving at all. you aren’t even good enough to mutter its name, so sit down and STFU.

oh? but I’ve been getting such sporadic sleep lately that I took a three-hour nap before bed, without having dinner first? so that means I’ve fucked up My whole schedule. all My minimal progress is gone. I’m a failure, good at nothing and undeserving of well-being.

but maybe if you didn’t piss Me off so much, I would’ve been able to eat dinner and just go to sleep for real. but maybe I’m so broken that this is what I deserve. BUT maybe you’re just making Me suffer and this is all your fault. BUT MAYBE THIS IS MY FAULT BECAUSE…..

I’ve been watching special books by special kids’ videos as of late and MOST of them have been fine but I just finished his autistic sociopath video and he asked the woman he was interviewing “what advice do you have for people who are in a toxic relationship with a person with ASPD?” 🤨 I haven’t seen him ask anyone else this, INCLUDING other mad people. #nooticing…

for day 2 of autism month

I have medium support needs. this means different things for different people, but for Me it means that I can do a lot of things independently, but still need help with managing vital needs such as diet, hygiene, and sleep, among others.

I’m on the lower end of medium–since I’m capable of doing most things on My own–but My autistic inertia, task-switching difficulties, maladaptive rituals, and co-occurring schizophrenia all make functioning too difficult for Me to truly be low-support.

for one example, let’s talk about My hygiene. when left to My own devices, I don’t engage in bathing, dental care, or haircare often at all. in a matter of fact, because I currently live in a neglectful household, I only brush a few times a year.

it’s not that I don’t understand its importance (although some autistics actually don’t), but that it’s too cognitively demanding for Me. it’d take several paragraphs to explain why in detail, so to put it in bulletpoints…

• it requires that I stop what I’m already doing, which I often lack the psychomotor ability to do because of inertia.
• sudden task-switching can trigger anxiety attacks, so I can’t “just do it” like other people do.
• I try to form routines surrounding hygiene, but they’re almost always ineffective due to My executive dysfunction, specifically because…
• I often forget rituals that I’ve come up with too recently,
• I have trouble prioritizing responsibility over fun,
• it’s difficult for Me to take My other deficits into account when trying to develop new routines,
• and it’s similarly difficult to bring Myself to change My rituals after I already develop them.

as you can see, it’s not very easy for Me. all of these same issues also mean that I have trouble tending to other hygiene tasks, eating multiple times a day, medicating My chronic illnesses, and looking for work (note: I’ve never had a job, so I’m not sure how this would affect actual employment).

since I don’t have the support I need, I currently have seven cavities (five developed since the onset of My schizophrenia at 11), gingivitis, dry scalp, and dermatitis neglecta (visible dirt buildup on My skin). before I started wearing twists, My hair was so unkempt and tangled that passing strangers would comment on it in public.

I can’t say for sure what supports I need, but from the transient periods in which I did receive more assistance, I believe that I’d benefit most from help with task-switching: someone to tell Me when it’s time to do something and emotionally guide Me through the change.

I want to live alone and have faith in My ability to do it to some degree, but I also believe that I’d still need a heavily involved loved one or (financial worst-case scenario) a paid part-time caregiver to keep Myself healthy in the process.

really really really really fucked up that you’re not allowed to tell your parents to shut the fuck up, no matter how obnoxious they’re being or how much what they’re saying genuinely sucks.

My mom woke Me up talking over and over and over with multiple people across multiple different phone calls about this disabled woman she hit (and contemplated shooting?) for trying to steal her phone, and now she’s talking about it AGAIN in the next room.

no, I doubt she thought you were “one of them” (disability is a personal difference, not an organization FFS), I don’t care that her eyes were weird, I don’t care that she didn’t speak coherently.

worst part is that this is just a thing she does sometimes: have a bad encounter with a disabled and/or homeless person, that she always gets out of unscathed, just for her to go on endlessly about how unpleasant it was, how repulsive “those” types of people are, sometimes even how badly she wants to hurt them, all in the indignant or bemused tone.

IDC that you gave birth to Me I cannot wait for you to be out of My life. I’ve gotta reverse-disown her genuinely no good comes out of being around her.

I’ve increasingly found that one of the hardest things about being narcissistic and potentially(!) antisocial is balancing morality with My more harmful urges and pleasures.

morally speaking, I’m very pro-kindness and against mistreating others, but emotionally, I have such a sadistic streak that it’s sometimes like My greatest moods come from human suffering.

like, I eavesdropped on overheard My mom arguing with her husband on the phone last night. it was such an intense argument, one of those crying, yelling, “fuck you, this relationship isn’t worth it (but somehow the conversation doesn’t end in a breakup)” arguments.

I know this is going to sound so heartless–and it honestly is–but it just gave Me such a thrill. even though I hate being in emotionally intense situations Myself, I love being a witness to them.

I love the severity, I love the will-they-won’t-they. the way that they can say everything under the sun that’d lead to a breakup in most people, but be so mutually uncertain that I can’t actually tell where things are gonna go.

I was honestly a bit surprised by how sadistic I really am; I was literally trembling with excitement. I looked in the mirror (which was directly in front of where I was listening from) and saw My eyes bright and wide.

but the longer I listened, the later into the night it got, the more My perceptual distortions kicked in and I saw Myself take on an almost emaciated visage, pronounced bones and sunken cheeks.

like a demon simply inhabiting a human form, falling apart and decaying the longer she gave into her satanic temptations. and yet, I felt no real guilt.

every once in a while, I unlock new highs and new lows. but the further I climb, the more I achieve types of bliss that I can’t ever seek out Myself.

I love hearing people break down and doubt their loves, but there’s no ethical way to make that happen Myself. I love sending hate anons, but there are so few people who I can logically say deserve it that I’ve only ever done it once (to a fanboy for a child predator, so that was 100% justified IDC).

the euphorias that I can achieve ethically are so difficult. I love being praised, but I have to wait for others to feel Me deserving of it. even once this does happen, if it comes from the wrong person, I can be brought down just as easily by experiencing how toxic or unreliable they really are.

My special interests bring Me consistent joy, but it’s rarely ever on the nirvanic level that I’m looking for. only truly unexpected, great discoveries put Me in that state, which is difficult for something I expose Myself to so very often.

sometimes I hate being sober. I think back and remember when I was younger and tried to find some drug users on hinge as to find safe supply, because I’m mindful enough not to trust just any random drug dealer I find on the street.

I didn’t want a relationship, so I planned on going out a couple of times, asking whoever for their plug, and then dumping them before anything got too physical.

this never went anywhere, which was almost definitely for the best, but I still contemplate how many substances there are that would bring Me this same thrill so easily. no effort, no moral violations, no dependence on others, no waning novelty.

but once again, it’s for the best that I’m sober. as much as I want to say that I’d just rationalize and space out My usage, what would really be stopping Me from cracking and deciding that I needed a boost more and more often, much like what happens to many drug addicts? it’s so easy to say that you’re too mindful for addiction, but that’s never really true, especially for someone as erratic and discontented as I am.

so I’m left without options: all I can do is try to fill the void with stories about unpredictable characters and wait until My next god-given opportunity to feast.