in other moments I feel more joy and connection than ever. I went to a tdov concert this last weekend and cried during one performance. I haven’t cried at a concert in a while. I thought that was a good sign. I’ve been seeing more friends and meeting new people. things seem good in general. moving in a good direction. longtime followers know I used to depressionpost a lot but haven’t been lately. I think I am doing good. I am looking forward to summer.

feeling deranged and unstable lately. not in a concerning way just in a “I don’t really feel depressed but I’m vaping more weed than usual and crying in public” kind of way. therapist has been trying to help me feel ok asserting myself, taking space, letting other people feel uncomfortable sometimes. yet I don’t like myself very much. I don’t think I deserve these things. oh—also, I’ve been very much struggling lately with seeing other people be successful. I feel very narcissistic—I read a great poem and think “oh I should have written this. I should be published here. But this is better than what I write so now everything is hopeless because I can never surpass it!” it is weird. I have cultivated the ability to descend to the “I within the I” and recognize these moments of irrational hysteria. even while I have them. yet I still have them. I see in them the fingerprints of my entire life—especially all the parts I try to forget. what a life!

“gentle reader” “fair reader” No. my reader is aggressive and deranged

grading student essays by reading one page at a time then taking a 15 minute social media break for sanity

every time I stay at a friends house I wonder how they fall asleep with no dimmable lights, air filter, weighted blanket, or stuffed animals