The Bachelor recap: An age-old debate

What in the world is going on, rose lovers? We’re only on week two of The Bachelor, and we’ve already witnessed a self-elimination and a mind-numbingly stupid argument before the rose ceremony. And now for the really crazy news: The surprise musical guest was actually someone we’ve all heard of (to say the least).

Let’s recap!

The episode begins with another ominous cold open, dropping us smack dab in the middle of some tense conflict. A woman’s voice snaps, “It’s coming from a place deep inside of me that’s pissed off!”

The camera reveals one of the sisters (Lauren, I think?) sitting with Joey outside the mansion. It’s nighttime, presumably pre-rose ceremony. “I don’t even want to talk to you now because now I’m just in a bad mood to do it, because everybody and their mother already went,” she huffs. Joey, taken aback (and slightly annoyed), begins apologizing that she’s having a “tough time,” but he’s interrupted by a production staffer delivering a cake. “There’s my cake,” groans Lauren, irritated by the delay. “F--- it,” she says, as Joey wishes her a good night and walks back into the mansion. Lauren deals with her anger the best way she knows how:  

Unfortunately, the dessert is not to her liking, and she hurls it to the ground. “It’s not red velvet,” she mutters.

And now, suddenly, it’s morning. (I gather we’ll learn what Lauren’s hissy fit was about later in the episode.) On this sunny morning, Joey is giving a tennis lesson to a very special student.

“If you navigate this [journey] as well as you teach tennis, you’re going to find your person,” the host promises. Palmer then changes out of his tennis whites and heads to the mansion to give the rundown for the week to Joey’s 22 potential wives. After teasing Allison and Lauren a little bit about their sister act (“Sharing is caring,” he quips), Palmer drops off the first date card of the season. It’s a wedding-themed group date, and Rachel, Taylor, Kelsey T., Lexi, Evalin, Erika, Maria, Lauren, and Jess are instructed to head to “the other room” to pick their gown. Cue the stampede!

She’s okay, everybody. She’s okay. Once the women are dolled up in their gowns, they pile into two festively decorated limos.

Do people still tie tin cans to the back of the married couple’s car? Either way, it’s cute. On the way to the venue, the women talk to the “bridecam” (a phone on a stick) about their idea of a perfect wedding. Maria is chatting away happily, saying how excited she’ll be to have her family at her wedding and how much she loves and misses her dad. “Tell me about it,” murmurs Lauren sadly. Unfortunately, her dad died recently, and going to this pretend wedding is a harsh reminder that she won’t have her father to walk her down the aisle when she ties the knot for real. “I’m going to try my best,” she says. “I just need to deal with my feelings before I dump this s--- on [Joey].”

Speaking of the Bachelor, how freaking cute does he look in a tux?

“I never thought I’d have nine brides before,” he says with a chuckle. “It’ll be fun to try to picture if I can see myself walking down the aisle with them.” Joey informs the women that today’s date activity will be play-acting at polygamy! “We’re actually going to imagine that we all just got married,” he says. “And we are about to have our own wedding reception.”

Palmer (Joey’s “Best Man”) introduces the Bachelor and his harem at this “reception,” which is populated by some very enthusiastic Bachelor fans. Unfortunately, only one of the “brides” will get to share a first dance with Joey — and of course, all the women are going to have to compete for that honor. First up: Bridal musical chairs! Everyone is gunning for the seat next to Joey at the bridal table, but Evalin just wants it more.

Impressive vertical, ma’am! Alas, Lauren got there before you. But at least Joey is impressed. “I could talk about Evalin’s athletic ability all day,” he marvels. “Evalin, A+ for effort.”

From there, the Bachelor takes turns working the room with his various brides, posing for selfies, sampling the food, cutting the cake, and so on. Everyone’s having a great time, except for Lauren, who’s really hurting over the loss of her dad. She’s nervous about talking to Joey because she feels like her “vibe is off,” but Maria assures her that she has every right to feel so emotional.

We interrupt this recap to bring you a “The Devil Works Hard, but Bachelor Producers Work Harder” update. Remember how Jess irked everyone last week by bragging about her kiss with Joey? Well, while she’s tasting cupcakes with Joey, producers instruct the reception guests to clink their glasses and shout, “Kiss! Kiss!”

“Sweetest kiss ever!” Jess drawls. Over at the bridal table, Taylor is pouting so hard she might pull a muscle.

The competition ends with Rachel giving a toast. She praises her groom’s “kind heart,” and jokes about Joey bringing all his exes to their wedding: “Cheers to the past, and here’s to the future!” The Bachelor LOVES it. Cut to:

Rachel gets the first dance! Not only that, she and Joey are serenaded by none other than adult contemporary icon Michael Freaking Bolton! (Obviously, this was filmed before Bolton was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Get well soon, legend!)

The first cocktail party of the season gets off to an interesting start. Maria, who’s wearing a white minidress with a corset bodice, sits with Joey first — and she interrupts her own chat to do a costume change. “I can’t breathe in this dress,” she explains. After a brief absence, she comes back wearing… a bra?

Um, okay. “I swear I’m not trying to seduce you,” she says coyly. Joey had been hoping to get to know Maria more during their chat, but now he can’t even string three words together, so they just start making out.

When Maria returns to the holding pen, the other women are less than thrilled about her sexy quick-change. (Also, since when do these women get to bring multiple outfits to a date?) “Maria’s doing things that I personally wouldn’t do,” says Rachel. “But we’re all different, and that was her choice, so…” Yeah, the less said the better, I think.

While Joey and Kelsey T. are off somewhere smooching, Jess vents in her passive-aggressive way about how “people” were talking smack about her during the reception. Taylor knows this is aimed at her, and she fully owns up to giving the kiss a thumbs-down. “I’m just being honest,” she says.

Jess is still feeling some type of way — translation: annoyed by the existence of the other women — when it’s her turn to sit with Joey. She starts getting emotional telling him all about her “past relationships” and how she’s “been through a lot.” When she tells Joey that there was a lot of infidelity in her last relationship, the Bachelor, bless his heart, asks, “On his side?” Of course, it was on his side, you beautiful fool! Did you really think she’s making some tearful confession about being a serial cheater?

Anyhow, Jess is upset because she’s finally built her confidence back up after being cheated on, and now “people” are telling her to “chill” about her connection with Joey. The Bachelor says he understands and urges her to be herself throughout this “journey.” Their conversation ends with a hug and a smooch.

Hey look! The Accent Table of Doom is here!

Welcome back, little buddy! And the first one-on-one date of the season goes to… Daisy! Naturally, she’s thrilled — and she uses this time to inform the women about her hearing loss and cochlear implant. “I’ve never had this conversation” with a date, she explains.

Back at the after party, Lauren breaks down as she tells Joey about losing her dad and how the wedding date really hit her “like a ton of bricks.” The Bachelor comforts her and thanks her for Opening Up™ about her grief, and Lauren says that even though she had a really hard day, she’s going to stick around because she wants to get to know him.  

There sure are a lot of candidates for the date rose tonight. And the “winner” is…

Ugh, okay. Whatever. On to Daisy’s date!

Yep, part one of the date begins on a whirlybird, which stresses Daisy out because she’s not sure if she’ll be able to hear Joey in such a loud environment. But the headset proves to be very effective, and they have a very romantic ride to… The Beach Life Festival! Yep, a music festival… for the woman with a cochlear implant. First the helicopter, and now this. Producers are really going above and beyond with the evil for this date.

Though the crowd noise and music pose a challenge for Daisy, she’s having a great time and thankful that Joey has “really good eye contact” when he talks. And Joey seems super smitten. “I’m just really excited around Daisy right now,” he says. “I just want to know more about who Daisy is.”

Sorry, sir, but you know producers are going to make Daisy wait until dinner to Open Up™ about her hearing. For now, you’ll have to settle for her vague description of her non-profit: “It helps kids see, like, that what makes them different can be, like, empowering.” As she explains in her confessional, Daisy doesn’t want to tell Joey her story right now “because it’s not the right moment, but the right moment will come.” Yep, at dinner!

For now, it’s time to dance on stage while an artist named Bahamas serenades them.

They smooch, and the audience cheers. Hooray for random strangers making out!

That night at dinner, Joey asks Daisy more about her non-profit, which of course is the opening she needs to tell him about her health history. “When I was 11, I started having these stroke-like seizures,” she explains. “And then, when I was 17, I woke up to my dad waking me up, and I realized I couldn’t really hear that well.” As her hearing got worse, says Daisy, her health declined, and eventually she couldn’t even “walk a block.” When she had given up hope on getting better, she was diagnosed with Lyme Disease — this girl has really been through it! Daisy flew to Germany for a difficult treatment (she lost her hair and dropped almost 15 pounds), but now she’s “super healthy.” That said, she continues, “my hearing kept getting worse,” hence the cochlear implant.

Joey reacts like the sweet angel baby that he is. The Bachelor says he couldn’t tell she had issues with her hearing, and he’s just happy to know that she’s back in good health. “It takes a special type of person to be able to go through all these challenges in life and turn them into a positive,” he says. “And she has done that in full force. I’m blown away, honestly.” Daisy goes on to show Joey her implant and explain a bit about how it works — and that when she first started wearing it, “everyone sounded like a chipmunk.”

Not me over here getting emotional about this lovely young woman sharing her story in hopes that others will feel less alone. Give her the dang date rose, Joey! (He does.)

A new day dawns, and Joey is prepping for the second group date of the week.

That’s right, ladies! It’s time for Bachelor Boot Camp, hosted by Demi Burnett (The Bachelor season 23; BiP season 6 & 7) and Jubilee Sharpe (The Bachelor season 20; BiP season 3 & 5), for some reason. On today’s date: Kelsey A., Chrissa, Autumn, Jenn, Madina, Allison, Edwina, Katelyn, Marlena, and Starr will be put through their paces, forced to do push-ups and burpees in the dirt, flip heavy tires, and that kind of thing. Then it’s time for the “paint battle royale” — and the winner gets extra time with Joey, of course.

Okay, so this “paint battle” isn’t paintball — it’s basically Capture the Flag with paint-filled balloons and fuzzy heart plushies. The pink team has to grab the blue heart, and the blue team has to grab the pink heart. Got it? Honestly, I think producers put this whole thing together as an inside-joke callback to Kasey’s “guard and protect your heart” tattoo from Ali’s season of The Bachelorette. Why else would they include this?

Edwina is the first to grab a heart, and she scores a point for the blue team. Indeed, she plays hard the entire game, even face-planting in the dirt a few times in an attempt to stop the pink team. “Joey, I’m falling for you!” she jokes. The Bachelor is very impressed at how she’s “laying everything out on the field, doing anything possible to show how much she is wanting to get that extra time with me.” And it works. The Blue Team wins the gaudy trophy — but just as Madina, Starr, Edwina, Kelsey A., and Jenn are celebrating, Jubilee announces that only one of them will get the coveted extra time with Joey. The Blue Team does NOT love it. 

LOL, Joey looks so serene.

That night, once everyone is back at the mansion and cleaned up, there’s a knock at the door. Another visit from the Accent Table of Doom. And the mini-one-on-one date goes to… Edwina! Sorry Madina, Starr, Kelsey A., and Jenn — looks like producers told you to get all dressed up knowing you’d have nowhere to go. 10/10, no notes, you evil geniuses.

“Well, I’m happy,” says Edwina. “I don’t think I should feel sad for going on a date with Joey.” The rest of the blue team is a little salty, but everyone tries (mostly fails) to pretend they’re happy for her. The date takes place at Joey’s suite, over wine and a sad little charcuterie tray.

Edwina knows what’s expected of her. “I’m going to try to be vulnerable tonight,” she says. “Which is so hard for me.” Joey asks her to share what makes it hard for her to Open Up™, and she attributes it to her upbringing. (Per her bio, she was born in Liberia and moved to the States when she was 11.) Edwina explains that for her, growing up in an African household meant taking care of the younger kids and kind of “being the mother of the house at a young age.” Given how much her parents sacrificed for their children, Edwina feels immense pressure to be successful and make them proud. Awww, look at Joey wiping away her tears!

Back at the mansion, the other women are sitting around talking about how much it sucks to be there instead of with Joey. Madina, who is 31, admits that being the oldest one in the house is stressing her out. “I feel like my time is limited,” she says. “I really don’t have the time to waste.” Instantly, though, she regrets speaking up.

It’s okay, girl! Society teaches women that their value decreases as their age increases, and as we learned from The Golden Bachelor, that sure as f--- isn’t true. Of course, the biological clock is real, but the most important thing to remember is that there are lots of ways to build a family. (Plenty of younger women have fertility issues, too, btw.)

Maria, for some reason, takes umbrage at Madina’s feelings on her age. She’s 29, one year older than Joey, and SHE doesn’t feel insecure — so what’s Madina’s problem? Later, Sydney hears Maria grousing about Madina, and she is NOT okay with it: “I’m gonna say something!”

Oh, and in case you didn’t guess, Edwina gets the date rose.

Adorable.

The next day, Taylor informs Maria that Madina was hurt by what she said. Rather than reflect on how she might make things right with Madina, Maria gets angry again and decides to ferret out whoever told Madina what she said. After all, what if Joey hears about this? Maria’s gotta look out for number one! (Obviously, Sydney was the culprit.)

Night falls, and the cocktail party begins. Lauren is anxious to talk to Joey; she just wants a “do-over” after being so sad on the group date. Maria is anxious because she wants to smack her name out of Sydney’s mouth before she says something to Joey. Lexi, however, is looking to show Joey her lighter side. She informs him that she has a master’s degree in fine arts, and that she’s been painting a portrait of him all week. “I do need to make a few finishing touches,” says Lexi, who asks the Bachelor to be “extraordinarily still” while she paints. Lexi says “museums across the country” have displayed her work. And now, it’s time for the big reveal.

Okay, that’s pretty funny. Nice job, Lexi! (Though her rose looks too much like a tulip.) Joey LOVES it, and they smooch. He also smooches Kelsey A., but Katelynn refuses to smooch him after he confuses Star Wars and Star Trek. (Kidding — she probably kissed him anyway.)

Elsewhere in the mansion, Maria is still spiraling about making Madina feel bad. “I’m worried that this is drama that could affect my situation with Joey,” she frets. (Again, maybe worry about offering Madina a sincere apology instead. That’s a foolproof drama diffuser.) Unfortunately, Maria has no clue how to apologize. Instead, she finds Madina and demands that she explain why her feelings were hurt. Girl, what? Madina, who is out in the driveway setting up a little romantic picnic situation for Joey, is understandably irritated. She asks Maria to leave so she can do what she’s been trying to do all week: Talk to Joey.

Miraculously, Maria agrees to leave her alone. But back in the living room, Maria comes in hot, demanding to know who tattled on her. Sydney’s all, I did it! And I’d do it again. She calls Maria’s tone “condescending,” and that Madina’s feelings are valid. Maria insists she would never “age shame” someone else, and that she wishes Madina didn’t feel insecure about her age. “For this to be a conversation is crazy,” she says.

Man, Maria couldn’t find the point if it were poking her in the butt. Ma’am, this is not about how you feel, nor is it about your intentions. Madina’s feelings were hurt, and no one is asking you to agree with the reasons why her feelings were hurt. Just apologize and move on, FFS.

Oh Lord, Evalin just gave Joey a hand-painted jean jacket.

I mean, it’s the thought that counts, but what about this man screams “airbrushed jean jacket” to you? Evalin just wants the Bachelor to know that she’s Here For The Right Reasons™, and she even monogrammed the inside with a rose and “TRR” to prove it. Joey hugs her and thanks her for the “thoughtful” gift, because he’s a sweetheart.

The night wears on, and Lauren — who still hasn’t had time with Joey — is starting to get impatient. “The anticipation of waiting around to [talk to him] gets to you,” she says. As woman after woman walks back into the room, all giddy from her chat with the Bachelor, Lauren gets saltier and saltier. She tracks down her sister and announces, “I think I’m gonna go.” Allison tries to stop her, but Lauren has her mind made up.

Well, rose lovers, this is where we came in at the start of the episode. Lauren snippily informs Joey that she’s going home, and that she’s in such a bad mood she doesn’t even want to explain why. You know what happens next. The Bachelor realizes that Lauren is, in his words, “over it,” and he just tries to be understanding. “I wish you nothing but the best,” he says. “Maybe I’ll see you at hometowns,” she replies. Man, this show is weird.

And so, we head into the second rose ceremony of the season with one less sister. Who will join Edwina, Daisy, and Jess in the Circle of Safety™? Rose ceremony roll call!

Rachel, Lexi, Kelsey A., Kelsey T., Jenn, Evalin, Autumn, Madina, Lea, Katelyn, Chrissa, Maria, Starr, Allison, and Sydney. Which means we must say goodbye to Taylor, Erika, and Marlena. (At least, I think that was Marlena? I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen that woman before in my life.)

Congrats on making it through week two, rose lovers! A few questions before you go: How much do you love Daisy? Why is Maria so clueless? And is it me, or did Joey dodge a major bullet with Lauren? Let me know your thoughts on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin.  

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.

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