your honor, i maintain that the prosecution’s video is being played in reverse. in actuality i came upon a village that was already on fire and sucked up all the flames into my special magic wand. i then moonwalked in the wrong direction for some reason

I give obviously, blatantly preferential treatment to gay customers at my job. is that dark woke

*LOUD THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE*

"it's all in your head" correct! unfortunately I am also in there

a big lesson for me was learning that most things are not as fragile as I’d believed. missing a class, or turning in a bad assignment, won’t instantly destroy your professor’s opinion of you. accidentally saying something harsh won’t make your friend want to end the friendship. it takes work to repair these things - it takes effort and research and sometimes a sincere apology - but you can do that because they’re not irreparably broken. what you’ve worked to build, in academia and in relationships and in life, is stronger and more enduring that your mind may teach you to believe. don’t let imagined fragility lead you to giving up

when i die ill go to heaven and the real gun emoji will be there waiting for me