Other favorites from history:

• Humans are very good at *pretending* to fight each other in hopes that the generals way in the back are buying it so nobody has to get stabbed.
• Most of the dying only happened after a side broke and tried to run, because then the rich assholes on horseback got to start running them down.

• When you do get a bloodthirtsy force, it gets bad real quick (see the battle of Adrianople, 378 CE, and the battle of Cannae, 216 BCE)
• SUPPLY LINES FFS
• Uuuuuuuh wow professionalization matters a lot actually
• There's a lot of dust actually
• Horses Will Not run through opposing infantry, but they will run at other horses
• Elephants are not worth it, tbh
• Shields matter a lot if you want to not die but good luck finding a balance between being too heavy and not protective enough
• Anything is a projectile if you throw it hard enough
• Always have a knife
• Do Not Fall Down - you will be trampled
• The guy with the biggest hat/plume is the leader
• Release The Hounds
• Valleys are BAD NEWS
• Uphill is much nicer than downhill
• A retreat route to boats on the sea is only helpful when you're already ready to sail
• Forests are torches waiting to be lit
• A professional soldier does a surprising amount of sitting around and day labour on massive projects
• The army has always been a good place to become an engineer, it seems
• Ffs, pleasr listen when the sergeant tells you something. He's always right
• If you've got a shit general, make sure you've got a good tactician/strategist
• That rich guy really doesn't know what he's doing, huh
• Drowning is awful and being in the navy is certainly A Choice, but your wife will not be happy with you
• Damn, all this shit is heavy :(((
• Attack the baggage train >:)))
• Uhhhh, sarge? The battle line broke. I'm going home
• Why aren't the enemy running and screaming back at us? They're just ... walking towards us. I will not be sticking around to figure out whatever fuckery they're up to.
• Blood is actually really slippery :(
• I did not clean my blade and now the blood has dried and glued the sword and scabbard together :(((
• Tf you mean we're gonna fight during harvest season. I think tf not.
• I Hate This. All Of This.
• Fuck me, battle is LOUD despite the fact I can't hear shit in this helmet
• You're better to be down an arm than down a leg, tbh
• Desertion rates are not as high as you'd think, but if you let the troops starve and get sick, they will abandon you en masse
• WHAT MADE YOU THINK CROSSING THE MOUNTAINS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!
• The fewer pieces to armour the better is usually is (with the exception of chain and scale)
• Skirts and loose-ish clothes actually help conceal the lines of your body in combat
• Don't wear too much armour in a hot place because you will be sweating until you pass out and die
• CHARIOTS ARE SO COOL
• Falling off a chariot is Less Cool
• You're less likely to get stabbed than you are crushed or run over
• Leather resists slashing damage, silk/linen resists piercing damage and wood/ceramic disperses blunt damage
• Ceramic armour is actually so effective at defending its wearer that we still use it in bulletproof vests and tank armour (though once its broken it needs to be replaced)
• A blade lodged in bone can actually be really hard to get back out
• If your belly is cut open, you're already dead to an infection
• Unless they hit a major artery, bleeding out takes a long time

(a) Supply lines. Supply lines. LOGISTICS. Never take your eye off the logistics.

(b) The best battle is the one that doesn't happen. The night before, meet up with the other side's quartermasters and buy up their mercenaries' contracts. (And don't try to get cheap about it. Odds are the other guys know within 10-20% how much cash you're carrying. Get pissy about the terms of the buy-out, and they may decide it makes more sense just to go ahead with the battle and take it all off you for disrespecting them.)

(c) Don't be tempted onto bad terrain. (And [c1]: All terrain is bad in at least one way. Maybe more.)

(d) Maslow is a better guide to the responsible management of armed forces than Kubler-Ross.

(e) LOGISTICS.

and why would it be their business anyway

Supposedly because I am a public figure, and therefore must do exactly what everyone tells me to, even the contradictory or overlapping orders. It's just what kings do, after all. Exactly what the nobles want.

all this time and there's still someone who thinks they can be this insufferable?

Their grandpa said so, so it must be true. My father did exactly as he was told, don't you know.

I don't know how they think things used to be, but I have impressed upon them very much that their job isn't to be a boss to me or pretty near anyone else, it's to oversee the region they occupy and make sure the people within it are fed, housed, clothed, and safe. And they are VERY replaceable if they misuse the tools given to them to do so.

I have also considered adding physical repercussions for continuing to play stupid games, but I don't want to become known as the king that threw a vase at someone for suggesting we just send a messenger with a piece of parchment to tell the monsters around a town to vacate the premises.

if they're going to bring up your father, which i find disgusting personally, then you should get to bring up the fact that he died failing his kingdom, while you have not only survived but thrived, thus proving that doing what one is told is not good for a king.

i doubt they have any idea how things actually used to be either. I doubt even more that they care.

fair, but i feel like you owe them some prize for their games. notoriety perhaps? the newspaper might run the story thus; The Noble So-and-So approached the King this day and bade him get a haircut rather than anything regarding the rebuilding of their demesne nor the quality of their subject's lives.

Would prefer to not talk about my father with them. In general. And no, they have no clue about what things were like back then. I saw how the nobles then interacted with father and it was significantly different than they seem to imagine. Hundred some odd years of 'good old days' reimagining of things from grandpa with a healthy dose of lies to make himself look better will do that to the younger ones' perception of the way things work.

Oh, that is a good idea. I'm going to start keeping notes and passing them off to my favorite gossip friend for their articles.

i understand, and i would have hoped that nobility would have more taste than to say such things in the first place, but here we are.

i'm glad to hear you agree

Wrangling nobles is more tiring than wrangling toddlers.

they should be ashamed of themselves.

I agree, but I don't think they'll ever manage it. Just don't seem to have the capacity for that amount of critical thought.

If publicly shaming them doesn't do it, I'll just replace them. Have enough going on that I can't keep dicking around like this with people who have no interest in doing the job they were brought on for.

i would bet my scales that Sidon has been wanting to replace them, every time they open their mouths.

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's accurate. Considering I've been threatening it for a while now, I'm sure Sheik and Sidon both have considered just pushing for that.

They can be pretty rude to both of them, which is why I'm proud there haven't been any outright murders here yet.

I don't think Sidon would murder; a corpse is a terrible listener.

Oh no, I didn’t figure he would. More concerned with Sheik getting tired of the disrespect towards the three of us and deciding enough is enough. Only so much that one can take where that’s concerned, after all.

and why would it be their business anyway

Supposedly because I am a public figure, and therefore must do exactly what everyone tells me to, even the contradictory or overlapping orders. It's just what kings do, after all. Exactly what the nobles want.

all this time and there's still someone who thinks they can be this insufferable?

Their grandpa said so, so it must be true. My father did exactly as he was told, don't you know.

I don't know how they think things used to be, but I have impressed upon them very much that their job isn't to be a boss to me or pretty near anyone else, it's to oversee the region they occupy and make sure the people within it are fed, housed, clothed, and safe. And they are VERY replaceable if they misuse the tools given to them to do so.

I have also considered adding physical repercussions for continuing to play stupid games, but I don't want to become known as the king that threw a vase at someone for suggesting we just send a messenger with a piece of parchment to tell the monsters around a town to vacate the premises.

if they're going to bring up your father, which i find disgusting personally, then you should get to bring up the fact that he died failing his kingdom, while you have not only survived but thrived, thus proving that doing what one is told is not good for a king.

i doubt they have any idea how things actually used to be either. I doubt even more that they care.

fair, but i feel like you owe them some prize for their games. notoriety perhaps? the newspaper might run the story thus; The Noble So-and-So approached the King this day and bade him get a haircut rather than anything regarding the rebuilding of their demesne nor the quality of their subject's lives.

Would prefer to not talk about my father with them. In general. And no, they have no clue about what things were like back then. I saw how the nobles then interacted with father and it was significantly different than they seem to imagine. Hundred some odd years of 'good old days' reimagining of things from grandpa with a healthy dose of lies to make himself look better will do that to the younger ones' perception of the way things work.

Oh, that is a good idea. I'm going to start keeping notes and passing them off to my favorite gossip friend for their articles.

i understand, and i would have hoped that nobility would have more taste than to say such things in the first place, but here we are.

i'm glad to hear you agree

Wrangling nobles is more tiring than wrangling toddlers.

they should be ashamed of themselves.

I agree, but I don't think they'll ever manage it. Just don't seem to have the capacity for that amount of critical thought.

If publicly shaming them doesn't do it, I'll just replace them. Have enough going on that I can't keep dicking around like this with people who have no interest in doing the job they were brought on for.

i would bet my scales that Sidon has been wanting to replace them, every time they open their mouths.

Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s accurate. Considering I’ve been threatening it for a while now, I’m sure Sheik and Sidon both have considered just pushing for that.

They can be pretty rude to both of them, which is why I’m proud there haven’t been any outright murders here yet.

and why would it be their business anyway

Supposedly because I am a public figure, and therefore must do exactly what everyone tells me to, even the contradictory or overlapping orders. It's just what kings do, after all. Exactly what the nobles want.

all this time and there's still someone who thinks they can be this insufferable?

Their grandpa said so, so it must be true. My father did exactly as he was told, don't you know.

I don't know how they think things used to be, but I have impressed upon them very much that their job isn't to be a boss to me or pretty near anyone else, it's to oversee the region they occupy and make sure the people within it are fed, housed, clothed, and safe. And they are VERY replaceable if they misuse the tools given to them to do so.

I have also considered adding physical repercussions for continuing to play stupid games, but I don't want to become known as the king that threw a vase at someone for suggesting we just send a messenger with a piece of parchment to tell the monsters around a town to vacate the premises.

if they're going to bring up your father, which i find disgusting personally, then you should get to bring up the fact that he died failing his kingdom, while you have not only survived but thrived, thus proving that doing what one is told is not good for a king.

i doubt they have any idea how things actually used to be either. I doubt even more that they care.

fair, but i feel like you owe them some prize for their games. notoriety perhaps? the newspaper might run the story thus; The Noble So-and-So approached the King this day and bade him get a haircut rather than anything regarding the rebuilding of their demesne nor the quality of their subject's lives.

Would prefer to not talk about my father with them. In general. And no, they have no clue about what things were like back then. I saw how the nobles then interacted with father and it was significantly different than they seem to imagine. Hundred some odd years of 'good old days' reimagining of things from grandpa with a healthy dose of lies to make himself look better will do that to the younger ones' perception of the way things work.

Oh, that is a good idea. I'm going to start keeping notes and passing them off to my favorite gossip friend for their articles.

i understand, and i would have hoped that nobility would have more taste than to say such things in the first place, but here we are.

i'm glad to hear you agree

Wrangling nobles is more tiring than wrangling toddlers.

they should be ashamed of themselves.

I agree, but I don’t think they’ll ever manage it. Just don’t seem to have the capacity for that amount of critical thought.

If publicly shaming them doesn’t do it, I’ll just replace them. Have enough going on that I can’t keep dicking around like this with people who have no interest in doing the job they were brought on for.

and why would it be their business anyway

Supposedly because I am a public figure, and therefore must do exactly what everyone tells me to, even the contradictory or overlapping orders. It's just what kings do, after all. Exactly what the nobles want.

all this time and there's still someone who thinks they can be this insufferable?

Their grandpa said so, so it must be true. My father did exactly as he was told, don't you know.

I don't know how they think things used to be, but I have impressed upon them very much that their job isn't to be a boss to me or pretty near anyone else, it's to oversee the region they occupy and make sure the people within it are fed, housed, clothed, and safe. And they are VERY replaceable if they misuse the tools given to them to do so.

I have also considered adding physical repercussions for continuing to play stupid games, but I don't want to become known as the king that threw a vase at someone for suggesting we just send a messenger with a piece of parchment to tell the monsters around a town to vacate the premises.

if they're going to bring up your father, which i find disgusting personally, then you should get to bring up the fact that he died failing his kingdom, while you have not only survived but thrived, thus proving that doing what one is told is not good for a king.

i doubt they have any idea how things actually used to be either. I doubt even more that they care.

fair, but i feel like you owe them some prize for their games. notoriety perhaps? the newspaper might run the story thus; The Noble So-and-So approached the King this day and bade him get a haircut rather than anything regarding the rebuilding of their demesne nor the quality of their subject's lives.

Would prefer to not talk about my father with them. In general. And no, they have no clue about what things were like back then. I saw how the nobles then interacted with father and it was significantly different than they seem to imagine. Hundred some odd years of 'good old days' reimagining of things from grandpa with a healthy dose of lies to make himself look better will do that to the younger ones' perception of the way things work.

Oh, that is a good idea. I'm going to start keeping notes and passing them off to my favorite gossip friend for their articles.

i understand, and i would have hoped that nobility would have more taste than to say such things in the first place, but here we are.

i'm glad to hear you agree

Wrangling nobles is more tiring than wrangling toddlers.

and why would it be their business anyway

Supposedly because I am a public figure, and therefore must do exactly what everyone tells me to, even the contradictory or overlapping orders. It's just what kings do, after all. Exactly what the nobles want.

all this time and there's still someone who thinks they can be this insufferable?

Their grandpa said so, so it must be true. My father did exactly as he was told, don't you know.

I don't know how they think things used to be, but I have impressed upon them very much that their job isn't to be a boss to me or pretty near anyone else, it's to oversee the region they occupy and make sure the people within it are fed, housed, clothed, and safe. And they are VERY replaceable if they misuse the tools given to them to do so.

I have also considered adding physical repercussions for continuing to play stupid games, but I don't want to become known as the king that threw a vase at someone for suggesting we just send a messenger with a piece of parchment to tell the monsters around a town to vacate the premises.

if they're going to bring up your father, which i find disgusting personally, then you should get to bring up the fact that he died failing his kingdom, while you have not only survived but thrived, thus proving that doing what one is told is not good for a king.

i doubt they have any idea how things actually used to be either. I doubt even more that they care.

fair, but i feel like you owe them some prize for their games. notoriety perhaps? the newspaper might run the story thus; The Noble So-and-So approached the King this day and bade him get a haircut rather than anything regarding the rebuilding of their demesne nor the quality of their subject's lives.

Would prefer to not talk about my father with them. In general. And no, they have no clue about what things were like back then. I saw how the nobles then interacted with father and it was significantly different than they seem to imagine. Hundred some odd years of ‘good old days’ reimagining of things from grandpa with a healthy dose of lies to make himself look better will do that to the younger ones’ perception of the way things work.

Oh, that is a good idea. I’m going to start keeping notes and passing them off to my favorite gossip friend for their articles.

and why would it be their business anyway

Supposedly because I am a public figure, and therefore must do exactly what everyone tells me to, even the contradictory or overlapping orders. It's just what kings do, after all. Exactly what the nobles want.

all this time and there's still someone who thinks they can be this insufferable?

Their grandpa said so, so it must be true. My father did exactly as he was told, don’t you know.

I don’t know how they think things used to be, but I have impressed upon them very much that their job isn’t to be a boss to me or pretty near anyone else, it’s to oversee the region they occupy and make sure the people within it are fed, housed, clothed, and safe. And they are VERY replaceable if they misuse the tools given to them to do so.

I have also considered adding physical repercussions for continuing to play stupid games, but I don’t want to become known as the king that threw a vase at someone for suggesting we just send a messenger with a piece of parchment to tell the monsters around a town to vacate the premises.

and why would it be their business anyway

Supposedly because I am a public figure, and therefore must do exactly what everyone tells me to, even the contradictory or overlapping orders. It’s just what kings do, after all. Exactly what the nobles want.