The bot wrote another Xmas movie!
I Forced A Bot to Write This Book!
I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of a lot of stuff and then asked it write a whole freaking book and it did. With scripts (old & NEW) + all new formats (Shakespeare, poetry, horoscopes, and more)!
Out on Nov. 17th (just in time for Thanksgiving)!
Follow this link to check it out!
CantinaScript.pdf
I’ve always thought a comedy series based in the Star Wars universe would be fun.
To test that theory, I wrote a Cheers episode set in the Mos Eisley cantina.
Check it out if you like Cheers or Star Wars or comedy or scripts or just clicking links!
Commercial-Casting Breakdowns
Pork Dude: Seeking forty- to fifty-year-old man for pork ad. Kevin James-type. Great actor, with memorable facial expressions reminiscent of Kevin James, commanding voice, and the ability to eat pork products the way Kevin James would (video attached). Must be a local tri-state hire and also must be Kevin James.
Finally, a Subscription Service for Liars
I wrote this sketch for Comedy Central about a subscription service that gives people what they actually want: bullshit they can brag about!
As Mayor, I’m Saving This City By Getting a CSI Set Here
I hate to get political, but I had to in order to write this piece.
THIS COMIC IS VILE!!! THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL PLACE!!! WE NEED TO ALL LOVE EACH OTHER!!! LOVE NOT HATE!!!
An Introduction to The Pick-Up Artist’s Way
“Before introducing the methodology of my pick-up artist system, I
want to give you a symbolic mental image.
Picture a gardener and a tree. Now realize that gardener didn’t make that tree. No, he planted a seed and nurtured it with care and water over many years until it became that tree. Can you picture that?
Great. Now picture yourself after my teachings, a strong alpha male,
charging up to that beta gardener, pushing him over, and then seducing
that beautiful tree.
With this book you will be able to do that. You will be able to fuck trees and anything else you want.”
Taxes
One year I didn’t pay my taxes, just to see what would happen.
The day after Tax Day, the IRS drove a tank through my front door.
“Hey now! What gives?” I asked.
Out of the tank poured IRS people, all saying “Gimme gimme gimme!”
I had to keep putting loose change into their outreached hands until they quieted down.
The tallest one said, “Don’t let it happen again!” and drove the tank through my back door.
I think I paid about $1.37 in taxes that year and my house was half demolished.
But I did learn the IRS has a tank.
I consider that a win.
Subway Pizza
I stopped into a Subway.
“Hey, your sign out front says you make pizzas,” I said.
“Yeah, we make pizzas,” said the employee.
“Are they good?” I asked.
“We make pizzas.”
“Yeah, but are they good?”
“We make them.”
“If I ate one, would I be happy?”
“We make pizzas.”
“Hmmm…I’ll have one pizza.”
The employee motioned me to come in close. She then whispered, “I wouldn’t if I were you.”
“One pepperoni pizza.”
“Don’t.”
“With extra crust.”
“Stop.”
“Boiled, please.”
“No.”
“Some of that mustard too, for dipping.”
The employee’s head exploded, just like a pizza left out in the sun.
I got a $10 gift card for my trauma and spent it on the cookies.