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In an impressive display of blind confidence, 27-year-old Frank Carlson is currently speaking at length about several subjects he knows absolutely nothing about, and is speaking at such a high volume that people around him are just sort of willing to go along with whatever he’s saying. Upon

Michael Myers: Jason Voorhees: Asa Emory (The Collector): Jesse Cromeans (Chromeskull): Thomas Hewitt: Brahms Heelshire: Vincent Sinclair: Bo Sinclair: Billy Lenz: Billy Loomis & Stu Macher:

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and family would have got me to the top by now, but here I am, still stuck in the same dead-end job as a decade ago,” said Peterson, who explained he just found it odd how someone…

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In a developing story out of San Diego, 28-year-old Cassidy D’Erico appears to be truly reaching to justify continuing to date this particularly shitty dude. “Eli seems to have a good relationship with his mom,” she said, not even really believing that herself. “That has to count for somethi