i never get on here anymore but i just need to rant :/

i finally cut off my hair (one of my biggest insecurities) and my stylist (who literally never does what i ask for) gave me a fucking BOB

it sounds so insignificant but that haircut is connected to so much trauma for me

when i was really young my hair was cut into a bob bc my mom wanted us to have matching haircuts, and she’s always tried to keep that up

she’s so jealous of my hair, she dyes it to look like mine, and now my stylist has cut it to look just like hers

i’m so so so sick of being told i look like her, it causes me so much dysphoria, especially since she comments on my appearance and body so much

i actually can’t look at myself in the mirror, i hate it so much

i asked for a really pretty alt/grunge haircut, only to be given a stupid bob, and that’s bringing me so much dysphoria, and i can’t stand it

i look so feminine and i hate it, i don’t even feel like myself, i feel even more disgusted by my appearance than i did when my hair way really long and feminine. i feel like a middle aged woman that’s trying to be hip with the kids, but i just wanted a haircut that actually feels like me

i can’t cut it myself, because my mother loves it and she’s already guilt tripping me bc i don’t like it, but i actually can’t even look at myself bc so many bad thoughts flash through my mind every time i do

i wanted to look just a bit more androgynous, or even slightly masculine, but now i’m being plagued with more gender dysphoria than i’ve felt in ages, and i can’t handle it

it’s a stinging reminder of how feminine i am, and how much ppl say i look like my mom. im sick of being compared to her, she’s given me so many problems with my face, my body, and even my personality, and im sick of being compared to that

i’m just stuck with this stupid fuck ass haircut that makes me hate myself and my appearance even more than i did (and i really didn’t think that to be possible)

i can’t handle this. i’m so burnt out and i can’t even take joy in the old things i enjoyed, all bc i tried to get a haircut that felt like me, and im so so so sick of it

it seems so inconsequential, but i have so little freedom or ways to express myself, and, now, one of the few ways i could express myself is gone because nobody would listen to me or what i want. i feel so stuck, and i wanted this to at least make me feel a little better, but now i can’t stand it

just looking at myself brings me to tears and i hate everything about this haircut, and i feel like ive lost so much of my freedom and personality bc im stuck with this stupid bob, and i feel so so disgusting

i hate myself right now, one of my only sources of even a little bit of joy (it may have induced dysphoria, but i still liked it sometimes, if that makes sense) has been ripped from me by a stylist that has never once listen to me, but i have to go to her so my mom and i can match! (/sarcasm) and im so so so sick of being stuck with my mother, she just makes me hate myself more and im stuck of hearing her compare herself to me and then complain about her body to me, and then start commenting on mine

i’m so so so sick of this, i hate myself, and i can’t fucking do anything about it

(if you made it this far, i appreciate you so much, so please have a nice day, and thank you)