Niko - 25+ - Leo - non-binary, they/them - on that ace spec - my brain developed fully* and yes I Did get a new mental illness from it thanks for asking
so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck.
i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i’m assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would’ve used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.
big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.
anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.
im pregnant, said my mouth.
great job, mouth, said my brain.
mmmmm onion, said my mouth.
better you than me, said my wife.
then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.
(but that might just be the onion.)
Okay but now I have to know
What was the truth??
Because it simply cannot be as obvious as “what, I like onions”
It can’t
Because that would not need a lie
I know people who eat onions like apples simply for pleasure
I don’t understand them, but they say “what, I like onions”, and we both shrug, and they carry on
Also. Was. Was the plan to eat the whole thing? Just no more half red onion? Because the alternative form of “getting away with it” was you were planning to put it back with a bite taken out of it before she came in and that is if anything more unhinged
okay so i do this thing that i call tummy tacos where i put all the ingredients to a taco in front of me, but like, separate. and then i take big bites of all of them. but just one at a time. like one big mouthful of taco chicken and then swallow and then a separate big mouthful of chopped cabbage and then swallow and then a corn tortilla and you get the idea.
(my wife considers it Barbaric. she does not approve of tummy tacos.)
but yesterday i had this idea for stomach pico de gallo there i was gonna eat an onion and then a tomato and then a jalapeno and then some cilantro. thud achieving salsa internally. but i underestimated the call of the onion. i really could give a damn about everything else after the onion. i felt the love of jesus in that onion.
ink: custom blend, liquitex pyrole and diamine oxblood
i don’t like the descriptor of “casually insane” because it implies that i’m just some kind of dabbling hobbyist and not a lifelong student of a craft. i am a third generation autist. maybe more. this is my work and my glory. respect it.
okay so i was at this place called “The Fancy Induced Burger” and it’s one of those smash burger places where they got options to like, inject more cheese into the center of your burger, right? I got a mushroom and avocado monstrosity. don’t get me wrong, it was tasty, but the absolute duffle of napkins they gave me with my food made. sense
no not ABOUT me. TO me. share with me a nice little fact or story! something longlost and tenderhearted. a little slice of schadenfreude. a truth about the world that will send me into a psychological nosedive or whatnot. im not picky!!
hero/villain showdown but one of them has a spontaneous medical emergency and the battle gets put on hold while their archnemesis drives them to Urgent Care
If i dont [experience pathologically concerning sex act] within the next [arbitrary time period] im going to [federal agency watchphrase]
if I dont get pinned down and fucked like a dog within the next four minutes im going to skin every single government official alive on national television
thinking about how my old university’s automatic email generation gave my friend Andy Ryan the email address ARYAN88
Way, way back in the day, because I am ancient, our university assigned us email addresses you couldn’t have changed, which included your first initial, middle initial, part of your surname, and the last five digits of your social security number. They stopped doing that after people kicked up a huge fucking fuss, but…
… I think I’d still rather have that one than your friend’s. Damn.
My old job assigned me “cajones” and I had to very, very gently tell them that I could not and would not send professional emails with it because my email would be balls@company.com
I just cackled so loud it scared the dogs.
My mom had a colleague whose name was something like Sara Tan and was given “satan@job.com”
When I was in college, Windows used to leave the username of the last user who logged in in the login form, and a bunch of my friends became obsessed with he username (not the person, just the username) of some poor young woman named (I believe) Sarah M Boomgartner.
The username was “BOOMGASM”
I knew a person called Polly Oppenheimer, and so “poop@uni.com” haunted her till she finished her PhD.
Someone in upper management of a company I used to work for was Sally Odom
Or, according to her signature, sodom.
back in high school I had a teacher named Jim Christie. emailing him at J.Christ@schoolboard.org was always fun
I once had to register for an event by emailing an administrative assistant whose surname was Litburn. Her first name started with a C. You can imagine what the email was…
Random headcanon: the reason that Peach and Bowser don’t seem to get a lot of respect in some Super Mario games is because the Mushroom Kingdom is kind of a rural backwater and isn’t terribly important or influential politically, so people tend to regard Bowser as a C-list villain for being so hung up on such an insignificant conquest. Nobody really expects Bowser to be a serious threat – that would be like expecting a guy whose main claim to fame is repeatedly failing to conquer Wyoming to be a serious threat – so they get taken by surprise every single time.
So what you’re saying is that Bowser is more or less on the same level of villainy as Dr. Doofenshmirtz?
Oh, quite the opposite – point him at any target that isn’t the Mushroom Kindgom and he’s this massive outside context problem that rolls over entire armies and cracks planets in half. It’s just the Mushroom Kingdom in particular he can’t seem to figure out, and that bothers him terribly.
The obvious implication is that, like, Mario is an A-tier hero who happens to live in a C-tier nation.
Like, if Clark Kent hadn’t moved to the big city for a reporting job, he’d still be Superman. And there’s be some villain who tried to knock over a bank in Bumfuck Kansas and wound up having a very bad day.
(And eventually we have Lex Luthor spending a huge amount of time trying and failing to run some penny-ante scheme in rural Kansas and failing, and no one can take him seriously despite the fact that he’s just as competent as he would be in canon.)
In Oregon there lives a species of snake capable of surviving tetrodotoxin doses strong enough to kill animals thousands of times their size. This is because they evolved alongside a species of poisonous newt which they consume regularly, which produces ludicrous amounts of a poison thousands of times stronger than cyanide. They got to this point by fighting each other in the same bumfuck nowhere habitat for millions of years. The newts got more toxic to fight the snakes. The snakes got better immunity to keep eating newts. Now we’re left with snakes capable of eating some of the most poisonous creatures alive, and newts so deadly that they are inedible to anything other than these snakes.
What I’m trying to say is that Mario and Bowser are the result of two evenly-matched overpowered idiots fighting the same battle for decades. The consequences only become clear when you square them up to literally anything else.
These are the outlandish and logical takes I want on my dash
oh. Oh, no. That’s meant to be a line to show where the tail begins. Oh no, now I look like some weird prude.
Yeah, that’s meant to help people grasp the anatomy and visualize how small the tail is in relation to the torso. Not meant to be some kind of weird snake privacy screen
We CANNOT have snudity (snake nudity) on this webbed site
