Holy crackfics, Batman!

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

The Batfamily MasterList

I’m starting this as a place where anyone can add a blog that you like, that has ORIGINAL stuff related to the Batfamily - ART/FICS/ETC. (No large-age-gap stuff/NSFW art)

This actually started as my personal list, but anyone can add. I really want to get to ALL the wonderful original Batfamily blogs out there. PLEASE COMMENT your suggestions, and I will add them to the list. Feel free to reblog, but if you do you’ll miss out on any updates since reblogged posts don’t get updated.

THE LIST (alphabetized)

arkangelo-7

batbabydamian

batfam-stuff-posts-0

batfamhastwitter

cdelphiki

frownyalfred

goaheadandgetinthebog

gothamite-rambler

idksomethinggay

incorrectbatfam

notrobinsomethingworse

nyukaart

psychemochanight

punprincess321

robinhqs

spicy-apple-pie

thesulkycroissant

timdrakeismypatronus

ultimate-marysue

Please comment if you know a blog you don’t see!

Pinned Post batman bruce wayne dc comics batfamily batsiblings batkids batclan batboys batbros batgirls dick grayson jason todd tim drake cassandra cain damian wayne stephanie brown orphan spoiler batgirl robin nightwing red hood red robin incorrect batfamily quotes batfamily masterlist
unpretty
mckinlily

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

ave-aria

TV Show Host: Welcome back to MoneyTalk, I'm here with Bruce Wayne, Owner of Wayne Enterprises and, as many of you know, the richest businessman on Earth. So, Bruce, tell us - what's your secret?

Bruce: I don't know.

TV Show Host: Oh don't be coy--

Bruce: No, I seriously don't know. I GENUINELY don't. I was actually hoping for some advice? I can't seem to get rid of my money.

TV Show Host: '...Get rid of'?

Bruce: I've tried raising salaries, investing in infrastructure, forcing green initiatives, donating to charities, paying extra taxes--

TV Show Host: "........Extra" taxes??

Bruce: --doing giveaways, setting up trust funds, naming multiple inheritors--

TV Show Host: I'm sorry, can we back up a bit? I think I've lost the thread of this conversation...

Bruce: Listen, I made a bet with a reporter from the Daily Planet ten years ago that I could legally get my net worth down under one billion,

TV Show Host: That's... a very cute joke, Mr Wayne, I,

Bruce: --and the deadline is COMING UP in a few MONTHS,

TV Show Host: what

Bruce: --And not only am I not even CLOSE, I'm still in the GODDAMN TRILLION Range--

TV Show Host: oh dear god he's not joking.

Bruce: I keep shoveling money out the door and it keeps showing back up inside!

Bruce: I've updated EVERY public building in Gotham but THAT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE A DENT in my SALARY--

Bruce: I dumped money into R&D but my company ACCIDENTALLY INVENTED TECH THAT'S NOW TURNING A PROFIT--

Bruce, grabbing the mic: I WANTED TO BUY THE JUSTICE LEAGUE AN INTERSTELLAR BASE ON MARS BUT THEY WOULDN'T LET ME

[The tv crawl at the bottom of the screen reads: Wayne Enterprises stock rises 13%]

Bruce: WHAT'S A GUY GOTTA DO TO LOSE MONEY AROUND HERE

TV Show Host: Perhaps we could sit down,

Bruce: I'D SAY SOMEONE SHOULD TRY TO ROB MY ACCOUNT BUT I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT MY INSURANCE WOULD PROBABLY COVER IT BECAUSE LAST YEAR I TRIED TO PAY OFF THE JOKER TO TAKE A VACATION, AND THE NEXT TIME HE GOT ARRESTED, ARKHAM REFUNDED THE MONEY,

TV Show Host: Sir, please,

Bruce: --ACTUALLY, LET'S TRY IT! WHAT'VE I GOT TO LOSE, A COUPLE TRILLION?

Bruce: ALRIGHT GUYS LISTEN UP, MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IS 555-

[Screen goes blue]

["Apologies, we are experiencing technical difficulties; MoneyTalk will be back on air shortly"]

Lois, sitting at home watching the TV: ...So.

Lois: A bet with Bruce Wayne, huh?

Clark: [slowly sips his coffee and says nothing]

chaosandcats

@unpretty

hyperactiveinsomnia
olailamajnoon

The Batmobile is stuck in traffic.

Dick: what the hell. I remember when we used to zoom past these babies. Now we're moving at three miles an hour?!!

Bruce: get used to it.

The Batmobile inches forward amid traffic lights and horns.

Tim: it's due to the population explosion and the abandoned construction projects. I wrote a paper on — AAAEEEE!!

Dick and Bruce immediately turn in alarm to the back seat, where Damian and Jason have pinned Tim between them and are poking him with pencils.

Bruce: Damian! Stop stabbing Tim with a pencil.

Damian: Father, tell Drake to return my sandwiches.

Tim: I can't return them you moron, I ate them and they were great. Just to let you know.

Damian: They were truffle and foie gras sandwiches from my private stash!

Tim: And they were delicious. Every bite. Even the crusts...AAAAEEEE!!

Bruce, turning around: Enough, Damian! Jason, you're not being a good role model for your brother.

Jason: you always tell me to lead by example. *pokes Tim again*

Tim: save me Bruce. *sniffles*

Meanwhile people are taking videos of the Batmobile, leaning out of their car windows and doors, holding up their phones. Stephanie flips them off while Dick waves.

Stephanie: What is it with some people.

Jason: They're peasants. Weak-minded leftovers of evolution, clinging to the illusion of safety in their tin cans on wheels. Prey. Otherwise called "civilians".

They all turn to look at him.

Jason: what? They're flimsy, soft creatures. I am their nightmare.

Dick: You’re stuck in traffic, Jay.

They moved ahead a little bit, then stopped again. A random driver decided he would have some fun.

Hey, Bat-dorks! Use your grappling hooks or something!

Stephanie: That's it. I’m giving him the bird for all of us.

Damian: Father I do not believe the word "dork" is a complimentary term in this context. He deserves to be taught a lesson.

Jason: Let's grapple his bumper.

Bruce: No.


Dick: you know what, I miss the days of the Bat-packs. It's what I call—

Tim, Damian, Stephanie and Jason, chorus: The Bat-jetpack. We know.

Dick: I wonder what happened to them.

Tim: They just disappeared one day, didn't they? From the cave?

Bruce: Things don't just disappear. Alfred happens to them.


Stephanie: *wipes sweat off her forehead* I'd kill Damian for a jetpack right about now.

Damian: I'd kill you for free.

Bruce: No one's killing anyone. I just got these seats re-upholstered.

Tim: *grabs pencil in his hand like a weapon, brandishing it at Damian* I'll pay for my damages.

Bruce: Is this what my kids are like all the time?

Dick: *pats Bruce on the shoulder awkwardly* The traffic has made them feral, Bruce.

numbuh-7-knd

Alright, this is great, very funny. The only thing is that Damian's truffle and foie gras sandwiches are absolutely not something that he would eat. I'm guessing you just picked a fancy sounding food for it, but foie gras is not vegetarian, or even cruelty free. Foie gras is made from the liver of a duck or goose that has been force fed by having a tube put down their throat to over feed them to make their liver fatty. It's being banned in a lot of places because of how cruel it is. Damian, vegetarian and animal activist that he is, would not eat foie gras. And honestly, with how questionable the practice is, I doubt the Wayne's would even purchase it.

Again, your post is great, I was just so thrown off by damian eating a meat product that it completely took me out of the post.

olailamajnoon

@numbuh-7-knd I DO know what foie gras is, and I got the idea for Damian’s COMPLETELY CRUELTY FREE FOIE GRAS SANDWICH from an ad on a vegan website for “lab-grown synthetic meat”. I probably should have added that detail to that story though, lol. Hence the “private stash”.

Also P.S. I’m a vegan, and always on the lookout for alternative cruelty-free synthetic meat products, heh, though it still makes me feel guilty for some reason.

Batman damian wayne foie gras vegan crueltyfree incorrect batfamily quotes batfamily batkids robin dc dc comics batman bruce wayne crack fic funny humor dc fanfiction crack post dick grayson nightwing jason todd red hood tim drake red robin cassandra cain black bat orphan stephanie brown spoiler batgirl
violent138
provecfy

I think instead of lame excuses like "Cass is away in Honk Kong" or "[x bat] is doing stuff from his team of heroes" or just ignoring Steph's existance altogether, it would be funny if fanfics took members of the Batfam out of comission by having them have their own fanfic-related cliché adventure

Like, a Jason-centered fic where he asks Alfred where is the replacement and Alfred just goes "oh, Master Timothy has just been possesed by himself from thee-years into the future and is away trying to prevent our horrible deaths" and that's it, Tim is having his own time-travelling fix-it fic in the background which is why he's not mentioned

Babs on a Babs-centric fic where she could really use some advice asking Bruce on comms where her Batgirls are and Bruce non-chalantly answers "Steph has been hit by a love potion and Cass has offered to help her to her apartment", Babs waits a moment and comments "oh... do we get the 'congrats on kissing' banner ready for tomorrow?", "no, I think it's a slow burn, give them a week" and the rest of the fic happens without them

Dick, entering a room and finding Duke "hey, is Damian acting weird this morning or what?" "I think he said something about being stuck on a time-loop until he learns the true meaning of christmas" "aren't we on july?" "Yeah I thought so too but when I asked he mentioned he had already gotten my help on two loops so I just left him be" "well I needed help with a case, you in?" and the rest of the fic is a Dick and Duke team-up

corvidsforhire
olailamajnoon

Dick: So, you know how I’m part of an online circus?

Jason: What the actual hell is an online circus?

Dick, exuberant: It’s like... an on-demand Cirque du Soleil! People book us for events—birthdays, concerts, whatever—and performers log in from all over the world.

Jason: ...so you have clowns.

Dick, visibly sweating: Well, it’s more than clowns! We have aerialists, jugglers, fire-eaters—

Jason, standing up, looming over Dick: But you have clowns.

Dick, desperate backpedal mode: Technically, yes. But they’re like artistic clowns. Highbrow. Minimal honking.

Jason: Minimal honking? You’re telling me there’s still honking?

Dick, defensive: Controlled honking. Tasteful honks only.

Jason, crossing his arms: Joker-level honks?

Dick, horrified: Joker doesn’t even have a clown permit! He’s not qualified.

Jason: He went to clown school.

Dick: No, he shot up a clown school. That’s different.

Jason, sitting back down: You know why this pisses me off.

Dick, quietly: Yeah, I do.

Jason: It’s weird, right?

Dick: Super weird.

Jason: Sometimes I feel like you should be more messed up about clowns. Like, my level of messed up.

Dick: I know, bud.

Jason: It’s just... I feel alone in this whole clown thing.

Dick: You’re not alone. Gotham as a whole has a no-clown policy. Did you know circus clowns refuse to work here?

Jason: Of course. Otherwise, your little e-circus would’ve been torched.

Dick: By Joker?

Jason, thinking about that one time he shot up a department store window for displaying clown shoes: Uh... yeah. Yeah, Joker.

Dick: Well, for what it’s worth, you’d be great in the online circus.

Jason, deadpan: You saying I’m a clown?

Dick, grinning: No, but you are a high-value performer. People would pay top dollar to see Red Hood juggle guns.

Jason, pulling a gun from his holster and spinning it effortlessly: You mean like this?

Dick, mock clapping: Bravo! Now add some honking, and you’re ready for the big leagues.

Jason, standing up, gun still in hand: You have three seconds to run.

Dick, already halfway out the door: for the record, I'm a performer, so this retreat is performative and just to keep you happy-slash-entertained

Jason: get out!

corvidsforhire

Now I'm imagining a timeline where Dick didnt become a cop and when he needed to get an Actual Adult Job just went back to being an acrobat and joined an e-circus.

Except he realised early on cant just go around with his actual face because people will recognise him as the son of a billionaire, and just book his shows to see a celebrity rather than for an acrobat.

He cant really wear a mask either. A full face mask would be impersonal and limit his crowd work. Plus it might scare the kids! And an eye mask might make it too easy to recognise him as Nightwing.

So, naturally, the most logical thing to do would be to use make up.

It's not clown make up! It's not! It's totally different! It just needs fancy and colourful enough designs to obscure his facial features. And of course its a circus-esque design, hes got a theme to stick to here, damn it.

Of course none of the bats really notice or care. It's just his day job and while he does occasionally show off videos of him and his fellow performers rehearsals, they don't have any reason to track down the privately booked performances he does. Plus the whole thing started back he was still pissed at Bruce about the Robin thing so it wasnt like he was actually telling anyone details about his new day job, and later it was just a normal part of his life that there wasnt much reason to talk about.

Then Jason came back and clowns are A Thing now.

The bats stumble upon one of Dicks performances in full costume and Jason is absolutely scandalised that his brother is now a clown. After everything that's happened to him. It's the highest betrayal.

Dick, meanwhile, is desperately trying to get across that he is not, in fact, a clown. It's not anything close to clown make up! Wearing make up and being in a circus does not make you a clown! Hes never even been to clown school.

The rest of the bats do not buy Dick's not-a-clown arguement either. Not necessarily because they don't agree, but because they dont really give a shit and this is perfect bullying material.

Stephanie is constantly nailing Dick with new clown insults. Tim is actively provoking both sides of Jason and Dicks new feud with off-handed comments. Cass doesn't say much either way in general, but it makes the simple staring straight into Dick's eyes and calling him a clown out of the blue even more brutal. Duke takes Jason's side with the 'do you even care about my (and the rest of Gotham's) trauma' comments. Barbara actually fully agrees with Dick and has known about this the whole time, but joins in with Jason and Duke on occasion just to mess with Dick. Damian hadn't even known that Dick had an actual job before this and is now indignant that it's a clown of all things.

Bruce would just really like it if they stopped yelling about this over comms. And if Jason stopped blowing up every slightly circus related thing in Gotham and Bludhaven.

olailamajnoon

Wow I really needed this.

dc Batman dick grayson nightwing jason todd's trauma jason todd red hood Reblog clown
bats-and-birds-24
olailamajnoon

Dick, on the phone: *leans away* Clark says hi, guys.

Tim: Hi!

Jason: Hi.

Cassandra: Hi.

Stephanie: Hi.

Duke: Hi!

Damian: Hi.

Dick, on the phone: Clark they all say hi back.

Bruce to himself, so done: Truly a pinnacle of human communication. I say something they ignore me, but it's all 'hi' like synchronized idiots when it comes to Clark.

Clark, faintly audible: Bruce I heard that.

bats-and-birds-24

I like how Dick informs Clark that they all say hi back as if he can't hear them through the phone or with his super hearing.

batman dc comics crack fic dc fanfiction funny Reblog clark kent Superman
fanfic-obsessed
olailamajnoon

Tim: so do you have Tumblr.

Bruce: no.

Tim: get it! Please! It will be so much fun. *sees Bruce looking doubtful* Also a bonding experience 😌

Bruce: uh okay.

Bruce: *buys Tumblr*

The next day:

Bruce: Tim I have Tumblr now

Tim: that's great Bruce! So, what's your username? I can think of a few dumb ways you would try to sound smart.

Bruce:...uh

Tim: it's fine if you don't wanna tell me.

Bruce: you meant

Bruce: you meant an account

Tim:...

Tim:...yes?

Tim: Bruce.

Tim: what did you do.

Bruce: Uh nothing. I—excuse me a moment.

*Goes into next room and phones Lucius*

Bruce: Lucius. I need the purchase to be anonymous. Completely anonymous, not a word of it gets out! Especially to my family.

Lucius: uh huh...sure. Anything I can do to make you look less ridiculous.

Bruce: what are you talking about.

Lucius: never mind. As usual, I know nothing.

*Lucius keeps the phone*

Bruce: *coming out* So. Tim. Where were we.

Tim *looking up from his smartphone with a shit-eating grin on his face*: You're fucking with me. Tumblr? You thought I was telling you to buy—?

Tim starts laughing uncontrollably, literally rolling on the floor.

Tim: Bruce you complete and utter DWEEB 😭

(continues laughing)

Bruce:

Bruce: well I suppose this could be considered bonding.

fanfic-obsessed

Bruce does not announce that he bought Tumblr, in fact he largely leaves it alone.

Strangely the site starts making a profit for the first time...ever. Everyone is confused.

There is at least three attempted Appocalyse that happens as a result.

batman bruce wayne crack fic dc fanfiction dc comics batfamily tim drake red robin Tumblr