Starting To Feel A Little Bit Mortal

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Whumptober Masterlist 2024

Masterlist of fic

(Warnings at the start of every chapter, please be kind to yourself. Pictures/Gifs not mine; I do not possess that kind of power. This will be updated with links as we go)

ignite your bones

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After the fall of General Dreykov, and the remnants of the Red Room still at large, Natasha first year at SHIELD is anything but healing. Labeled a traitor and a turncoat, Natasha tries to find her footing in a strange new world.

  1. Panic Attack
  2. Trust Issues
  3. I warned you
  4. Hallucination
  5. Healing Salve
  6. Unhealthy coping mechanisms
  7. Unconventional weapon
  8. Sleep Deprivation
  9. Bruises
  10. I can’t think straight
  11. Loneliness
  12. Just a little more
  13. Team as family
  14. Left for dead
  15. Childhood trauma
  16. ‘No, I can’t feel anything’
  17. Nowhere to go
  18. Revenge
  19. Abandoned Cabin
  20. It’s not your fault
  21. Alt Prompt - Survivors Guilt
  22. Bleeding through the bandages
  23. Forced choice
  24. I never knew daylight could be so violent
  25. Being monitored
  26. Nightmares
  27. Voiceless
  28. Exposure
  29. Fatigue
  30. Holding back tears
  31. Making amends

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bell hooks mentioned going through a time in her life where she was severely depressed and suicidal and how the only way she got through it was through changing her environment: She surrounded her home with buddhas of all colors, Audre Lorde’s A Litany for Survival facing her as she wakes up, and filling the space she saw everyday with reinforcing objects and meaningful books. She asks herself each day, “What are you going to do today to resist domination?” I also really liked it when she said that in order to move from pain to power, it is crucial to engage in “an active rewriting of our lives.”

ritavonbees

I have come to think of the suicidal impulse as the brain waving a flag to say three things:

  • something needs to change here
  • this is urgent
  • I don’t know how to do it

death is the ultimate metaphor for drastic change. it’s a general specific. whatever your problems are, it is very likely that dead people don’t have to deal with them. a real solution to your problems may demand a very narrow range of action that’s likely to be out of reach at this moment, but death is sold on every street corner, so it feels like a more realistic fantasy than happiness.

you don’t really want to die per se but it’s also not completely random chemicals swamping your brain for no reason. you want the pain to stop, you want to be somewhere else, you want to be someone else. it’s urgent. you don’t know how to do it. the end is not the end but a means that feels within your reach right now.

this is the wisdom of bell hooks: daily rituals of meaning and resistance and solidarity are part of slowly building a future where you can make the change you really need. and only alive people can do that. every step you take towards change and power is another step away from death.

suicide mention things to remember